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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

wanting a girl.

29 replies

staryeyed · 17/05/2010 11:49

I know there have been loads of threads on this and people are told they should hope for healthy children etc but I really do want a girl. I have 2 ds and love them they are both amazing in their own unique way. I only ever wanted 2 children but not having a girl has really upset me I really was going to stop at 2. Its not really a gender preference thing because if I had 2 girls I would feel the need for a boy. Its about family balance. Im now pregnant very early days yet but I cant stop imagining a girl. I feel that I may be very disappointed if I dont have a girl because there will be no more children after this one and Ive changed my position on just having 2 so that we might have a girl. I dont know if any of this is making sense but I feel I have to let it out. I know I will love my child girl or boy but I think I may be unable to hide my disappointment (not about having a boy but not having a girl iyswim).

OP posts:

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Original poster

staryeyed · 17/05/2010 18:49

quiet bump

OP posts:

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 17/05/2010 18:52

Are you going to find out at your 20 week scan? It might give you time to come to terms with the fact you are having another boy (if it is a boy!)

LadyintheRadiator · 17/05/2010 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shaz10 · 17/05/2010 18:54

I would like a girl next time, but like Libra said I will find out the gender so I've got time to come to terms with it. I would also be scared about showing my disappointment at the birth!

Shaz10 · 17/05/2010 18:55

Oh god that looks really bad. I mean if I'd worked myself up into 'wanting' a girl then I would be worried about looking disappointed - not that I think I would, but a gender scan would make sure of that.

Wanderingsheep · 17/05/2010 18:57

It's highly likely to be another boy considering the fact that you've already got two boys.

LynetteScavo · 17/05/2010 18:59

I really wanted a 3rd boy, and found out at 20 week scan I was having a girl. I burst into tears. If I hadn't found out, I would have been happy with what ever popped out of me. just wanted to share my experience, to help you decide whether to find out from the scan or not.

Original poster

staryeyed · 17/05/2010 19:00

No I dont want to know (they can make mistakes)

Definitely no fourth. I really stop at 3 that's why I feel I will be disappointed because there will be no more chances.

I dont know how to explain the family balance thing without meaning to sound stereotypical boys do things with their fathers- father son time and I would love to have that with a daughter.

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 17/05/2010 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DomesticG0ddess · 17/05/2010 19:15

That is very stereotypical though - perhaps you could encourage them to do more things that you can do with them too. If you have another boy they might turn out to be a fashion designer, and you might have a girl who is a complete tomboy and prefers to "do things with her father".

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I really think that you should be having another child if you want another child, not because you want a specific gender. But that's just me. I hope you're happy either way!

paulaplumpbottom · 17/05/2010 19:16

You will love your baby no matter what.

Lulumaam · 17/05/2010 19:18

it does not work like you imagine

DD is very much daddy's girl..spends lots more one on one time with dad than me. likes wearing black/grey clothes.. not keen on bobbles in her hair. always messy. very loud.not one for sitting quietly colouring..
family life and balance is so much more than boy or girl

Lulumaam · 17/05/2010 19:19

sorry, it does not always work like you imagine

Greythorne · 17/05/2010 19:22

It's really politically incorrect to admit what you have admitted, we all know we should feel blessed to be pregnant and have our fingers crossed for a healthy child. But it's not quite that simple, is it? I think people fall into three categories:

genuinely don't mind which gender
have a preference but try to keep quiet and go along the "happy and healthy" line
have a preference that they can't suppress even though they know it's slightly bad form

But it's an emotonal thing and all emotions are hard to control.

staryeyed I feel for you. I had a preference and I was very lucky both times....even though I also had two miscarriages, when I was finally pregnant and carrying a healthy baby, I still felt a strong desire for one gender.

All that to say, I think lots of people feel like you, I did for sure.

I just hope you get what you want and if not, you are not too disappointed.

beetee999 · 17/05/2010 19:24

I'm not sure you will get the support you need from this forum. Women quite often post topics like this and the response is often far from supportive and can make people feel worse.

There are lots of women who do have 'gender desire' and there is nothing wrong with it at all. But it remains very taboo.I would like to give you a website but I assume I'm not allowed so I would say google 'gender disappointment' and go to a very popular forum where you will find lots of like-minded people.

What you are feeling is both common and normal. Don't let people make you feel bad.

Good luck X

ReshapeWhileDamp · 17/05/2010 19:31

Yes, I'd agree that this is natural and widespread. It might not be very creditable and I know it's something that you might find awkward talking to friends about. I do think though, that whatever sex you have this time round, you will love that child as a wonderful addition to your family. And not all boys are stereotypical 'boys' anyway! Mine is 2 and certainly doesn't seem to be shaping up as a 'Boy boy' but then he is more Himself than a Boy, anyway. If you see what I mean.

ShowOfHands · 17/05/2010 19:37

It is very normal to feel this way. What is important is how you deal with it. And acknowledging that while you have these feelings, your child will be a unique and much loved and wanted baby regardless of gender.

Gender really doesn't matter as much as I once thought it might. If I described my child to you now in terms of likes and personality and habits, you wouldn't know their gender. That's because she is a unique and wonderful individual. She is so much more than just a gender.

And actually, having 2 boys doesn't mean your that much more likely to have another one. The odds remain pretty even bar a few percent here and there.

I do think finding out might be a good idea though. Then you can come to terms with the idea before the delivery.

I guarantee you'll love your baby no matter what though.

DinahRod · 17/05/2010 19:40

Can understand that longing, I have one of each and really did no 3 to be another girl (it's a boy). I didn't even know that I would feel that way before embarking on having no 3, so my feelings took me by surprise. Did find out the gender at the 20 wk scan, unlike with my other two, so I could be prepared, but maybe instead I should have waited until he was born and relied on the rush of mother love? But I would have hated that magical moment tainted with any hint of disappointment and to spend 40 wks hoping for one and getting the other would possibly intensified those feelings, iyswim. And I am excited about his impending arrival. My prime hope is that he is healthy and would be devastated if he is not.

But I know I feel differently about having a boy which is a source of guilt. Have given it much thought and understand the sources of these feelings but am bloody cross with myself nevertheless.

LuluF · 17/05/2010 19:45

I'm with you LynetteScavo. We had 2 girls and I desperately wanted a 3rd. Found out he was a boy at 20 week scan - and I was gutted. It took me a long while to get my head around it. But I'm glad I did, I think it gave me time to bond with him and accept that he was a boy. I do remember just after he was born, just checking his bits myself to make sure, though.

toja555 · 17/05/2010 21:23

I fall into this category:

have a preference but try to keep quiet and go along the "happy and healthy" line

I have one DS and pregnant with DC2 and although I will be happy with any that pops out, I secretly dream of the girl to bring healthy balance into our family. It is so secret, that I declare to everyone that I don't mind any! Whatever pops out, we will be only having 2 DC. My 20 weeks scan is in 5 weeks... grhhh..

Meanbeansmum · 17/05/2010 21:26

Gender disappointment is a very normal emotion, please don't feel bad for it. However in the end no matter what you get your family WILL be blessed and somethings are just meant to be.

I had 2 boys then a girl! I'm now expecting another girl. Don't swollow the you've had 2 boys so it'll be another boy line. Yes it might be a boy but you still have a 50/50 chance. Good luck.xxx

Original poster

staryeyed · 17/05/2010 21:40

Have no doubt that if I have another boy he will be so much loved and wanted its the not having a girl that bothers me. I love my boys and would not have wanted them to be girls because I love them for being boys. Its not just a girl thing and I know that boys can be feminine and girls can be tomboys- I was quite tomboyish as a child. It doesn't stop me longing for a girl.I wasn't disappointed when I had DS1 and if we had of stopped with one I would have been fine I would have been delighted either way.

Im worried about the finding out thing in case they are to make a mistake. In the scenario that they tell me I am having a girl and then a boy is born, Im not sure how I would deal with that because I would be geared up for a girl. Im sure if its a boy I will feel as I did with DS2- happy to have a new child, but just a sense of not being complete despite not wanting any more than 3. Maybe its because I was raised with 2 brothers and a sister and it is what Im used to. Im not sure.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 17/05/2010 23:10

staryeyed, I was the same as you and now have four boys! I didn't find out the gender on any of them but ds4 and I have to say, for me it was the wrong thing to do. I spent my third trimester crying my eyes out. It didn't help that my SIL was expecting and had a girl and called her the name I was going to call my dd ( not SIL's fault, we hadn't actually discussed names and in any case she could call her dd what she liked!)

But when ds4 was born, I did fall in love with him. He was different from the other boys, full head of hair when they had been bald, right handed instead of left handed etc. He is his own little self and is a fantastic little person. When he is naughty he says "Sowwy Mammy!" in the cutest way and he is my little angel.

I am still sad that I don't have a girl but I do think this is easing for me now ( he is two) I think what helps for me is looking at other peoples children and realising that little girls are not always cute little rays of sunshine, sometimes they are untidy, messy naughty little things just as my boys don't necessarily fit the "boy" stereotype.

By the way, it is always 50:50, no matter how many you have of each gender.

The website mentioned above by beeteee is probably in-gender.com and is very helpful. I have found the "Rising above gender disappointment" forum very helpful.

cath476 · 17/05/2010 23:16

staryeyed, I am in almost the exact same position as you. I know EXACTLY how you feel. We took about a year to decide to try to have a third because I wanted to be sure that I wanted a CHILD not a GIRL iyswim. I felt I had come to terms with it and we got pregnant - BANG - all the old feelings are back and I feel anxious at the thought of the 20 week scan (we will find out). I am trying to visualise a baby boy when I think about my baby and trying to get enthusiastic and excited about HIM. I am not sure how I will feel in reality though. And before people start to tell me I should be grateful for a healthy baby etc. etc. I understand all that and OF COURSE I will love my baby no matter what but I cannot help how I feel deep down inside.

chipmonkey · 17/05/2010 23:25

It does help if you pick a boys name that you LOVE and buy a little boys outfit in bright gender-neutral colours. And if you need neither the name, nor the outfit, then that's better again!

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