don't want to upset my Mum but...

[angelsw12]

I wondered if anyone else had similar experiences.

I love my Mum, don't get me wrong, but we don't always see eye to eye on everything and I don't feel like we get on as well as she does with my sister.

We lives miles away from each so only really see each other for a couple of days maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

She was so excited when I told her I was pregnant, I think having 2 daughters in her 30's, neither having had any children she has been wondering if it would ever be her turn to be a grandma.

Anyway, she came to visit a few days ago and told me she has taken 2 weeks off around my due date (not until December) so she can come and stay with us and help out. The thing is, I feel like she is assuming things and pushing me to make decisions about things I haven't even thought of yet. And when I do think about it, I am not sure that I will want my Mum here for 2 whole weeks (a long time). Then sometimes I think maybe I mad and I should accept her help because I will need it.

Anyway, I told her I hadn't thought that far ahead yet and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and I could tell I upset her but I didn't mean to. I don't want to upset her and I know she so desperately wants to be included but I just don't know whether it will stress me out more having her around during that time or not.

Anyone have any ideas about what I should do?

could you tell her that it's great she has the two weeks off because it means that IF you feel like you need her then she will be free to come and visit but that at teh moment you just don't feel like you'll need her to come ad stay for any more than a day or two.

I sympathise. When I was expecting my first my mum did the same. I had to be quite adamant with her that I didn't want her staying for weeks when we were adjusting to being a family, especially as we lived in a tiny one bed flat at the time.

Her response was to ask if she could be there at the delivery

OMG, I definitely don't want her there at the delivery!! In fact it's strange because if I had ever thought about it I probably assumed that both her and my sister would be at the hospital but now I am in the situation I feel like I only want my BF to be there. Then I think I am being horrible to not include them.

Yes, well that was my reaction too, angles not that I think it's wrong for your mother to see you give birth as I'm sure plenty do, but my mum drove me bananas and would likely have got a smack for being annoying when I was so hormonally challenged

You're not being horrible to feel that way! for some people, giving birth is an extended family affair, but for me and many others, it is a private moment for you own little family.

angels, not angles

My mum came to stay for a week before my due date and it was perfect! I was big and heavy and having someone on hand to run around after me chat to was ideal. Could you suggest this to her? I know after my first dc I def didn't want her in the house as we adjusted to being a family.

I can see this from both sides, it's totally understandable that you want it to be just the 3 of you, it's a very special time. HOWEVER I would have loved it if my Mum had offered me just the tinest bit of help after dd was born, I almost had to beg then just felt gutted and so sad she didn't want to be there for me so maybe try and include her a bit?

I assure you you will be glad of the help!

Although I don't get on brilliantly with my mum, when both DS and then DD were newborn she came to stay for about a week both times, after DH had gone back to work and it was great. She looked after the house (and DS, when DD was little) and I looked after the baby. Was surprised at how well it worked but it was great

My mum came to stay for 6 weeks (when she told me she was coming I felt like this , but couldn't stop her as she had already booked and paid for her flight from South Africa!) after DS was born!! Although there is ALOT we don't agree on she ended up being really good at keeping herself busy and was an absolute god-send. Her helping out with house work and being available to hold the baby so that I could have a nap without worry really helped me rest and recover and I'm convinced that that is why we were able to establish bf so quickly and easily.

Could you not sit down and talk openly with her, perhaps explaining that you would prefer to keep arrangements flexible around you due date? You might find that you really need her once your DH has gone back to work.

What you want is most important. It might be worth keeping things open/flexible though - but you need to make sure your mum understands that! I assume your mum realises your baby might be late, or early, so her 2 weeks off may not co-incide with the birth of your baby. There's also the possibility you might be in hospital for a while - hopefully not! - DS & I were in for 8 days as he had jaundice. Depending on what happens you may be glad of having her around. I was certainly glad my Dad & step-Mum were able to visit us every day in hospital and bring magazines, chocolate, edible food etc.

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think the general consensus is that I should try to keep it open/flexible, which is probably the best thing. I just hope I can tell her that without her being upset.
At the moment it feels like added stress but you are right that when it comes to the time I may well be glad of the help.
I am glad to hear I am not the only one who wants it just to be me and BF...I thought perhaps I was being mean or something.

Maybe I could say that we would like a few days on our own after I leave hospital to bond as a family and get familiar with things and then after that maybe she could come stay for a while...

I actually think that having my mum coming after DC were born, rather than for a fixed date was better. And also more useful - when I was very pregnant I was fine just pottering, or being in and out of hospital for a few weeks before DS was born.

Can totally empathise with op. My Dad abroad when DD1 due. ( He too thought would never be grandad). However could only have 2 wk visa as was going back abroad. My DD was 14 days late...thankfully he had decided not to come home, Cos the pressure would just have been too much on top of being OD, etc. Just be honest...and good luck!
x

Could she not book holiday for after your bf returns to work.maybe for when the baby is 2-3 weeks old.
This is what my mum did It was as I felt more up to going out and we did some lovely girly things. She also took the baby first thing in the morning giving me a couple of extra hours sleep etc after the adrenaline was wearing off.
Theres no reason she can't pop down and meet them brand new for a few hours then go home and return later when you'll need the help.
I'm now pregnant with DC3 and my mum has retired now so can't wait to have her for a good few days at least to do the school runs and take the older ones out to the park.
Also she always cleans the bits of the house I never get round to like the washing maching drawer!

My Mum came to stay for around a week once DP had finished his paternity leave. This worked perfectly for us. We'd had time to settle down a bit as a family by then, and I was really glad to have someone else around to help whilst DP was out at work all day. To be honest, would have found it quite stressful to have my Mum around for a significant length of time immediately after the birth, as I was a bit of a wreck, and it was good to be able to slum around the house without worrying about guests, however helpful and well-meaning.

My mum and I haven't always had the greatest of relationships. I love her dearly but she is so different to myself.

Anyhow, after dc1 was born she came for a week once dh went back to work and honestly I was so glad of her help and company.

After dc2 she came for a week as well once dh was back at work.

After dc3 she was in my house when I went to hospital as she lived 300 miles away so had to stay with us because she was looking after other two children for us, while I was in hospital (got a section). Her support was great.

Dc4 due in 8 weeks and I am hoping she will come for about two weeks once dh goes back to work again. The summer hols will have kicked in once he is back at work and my mum will take the other kids out to park etc.

She constantly cleans which always made me feel less able than her as I don't. . Anyhow this habit of hers is so handy when you have just had a new baby. Clean windows, clean mirrors, carpets hoovered every few days. Fantastic. She definately earned her keep.

Just wait and see how you feel nearer the time.

After a couple of sleepless nights you may be greatful of having someone who can watch the baby while you nap.

I felt like you before my first child was born, but in fact having children has brought me and my mum closer together. I think I finally started to see things from mum's point of view and started to appreciate how much you love your kids and what you sacrifice for them etc....anyway, I didn't want her there for the first baby, by the time the second one was due I was booking her train ticket myself So I'd keep the option of her coming to stay and help out open if you can, honestly you really can't decide if you will want her or not until the baby comes along as you just have no idea how will be coping once the baby is born (hope that doesn't sound condescending). Good luck!

I'm in a similar position, my mum seems to be assuming I will want her to come and stay for a while when our first baby arrives in July. I really don't think I want her actually staying with us right at the beginning - I'm sure it was different in the days before men got two weeks paternity leave etc. We both live in London (though about an hour apart) so I'm hoping she will come and visit but not necessarily stay. As people have said I'm sure I'll probably need her help more when DH is back at work (though he's out of work at the moment so I don't know what he'll be doing by then) and once the adrenaline of the first few days has worn off.

I think I'm going to have that conversation with my mum. Most new parents I've spoken to have said its great for grandparents to pop round for an hour or 3, but they just wouldn't have wanted anyone else staying at the house. When we told my mum we were expecting she later said to dh 'well that's my summer holiday sorted' (she's a teacher, I maybe should have timed the due date a bit better!). DH apparently said 'Ooh I don't think we are going to have much room, the spare room will now be the nursery', to which she replied 'Yeah but the baby will be in with you for a while'.

We live in a tiny 2 bedroomed house so I know she'd just get in the way (its nothing personal, I'd have to say the same to George Clooney). Plus she doesn't drive and doesn't know the area we live in well. Think I'm just going to tell her we don't want ANYONE staying, but it stresses me out thinking about it! We either get on really well or drive each other mad and I know she'll try and make me feel guilty. Perhaps if I lived in a much bigger house I'd feel differently

My mother was the same before the birth of DS. I knew it would be really hard because my mother is very definite that her way of doing everything is the right way (she knows because she spent a year as a midwife in 1970).

I had to be quite direct with her and say that the time following the birth would be the time that I would need to get used to being a mother myself. On a positive side I told her that I did need her and wanted her support and I really appreciated it.

ATM I hardly see her at all - I probably burnt a bridge with her in relation to lots of babysitting and help but on the other hand I am a far more confident mother than I would have been if I had allowed her to stay for a week.

I feel mean too, although I wouldn't change it. When DD was born we told my MIL that she couldn't come to stay for a couple of months. She's a difficult woman though. My Mum lives nearby and was trying to come round every day. I got really stroppy with her and she backed off but she must have been very upset. She has a tendency to take over and I needed to prove I could do the mothering by myself. Having a child has brought us closer though and she babysits and takes DD out a bit now.

This time I think I'll ask the MIL to come about a month later, if she wants to visit. She has to stay with us and I honestly couldn't cope with it in the first couple of weeks. When DH was on paternity we had a lovely time just the three of us. Very, very special.

Also if she's only got a couple of weeks she'd be better off, for her own sake iyswim, coming later in case you go overdue or need to stay in hospital.

Having a child has definitely made me feel closer to my mum, but I wish she hadn't stayed for the first week after the birth. Like deepblue's mum, she did take over a little (even though she was trying not to, and would be appalled to hear me say this). She was so good with my daughter - such a natural with her, whereas I'd never even held a newborn before. I almost felt she was hers, that she was my younger sister not my baby! I didn't start to bond properly with her until after my mum had left.

This time around (I'm pregnant again) she's talked about coming to stay and I find myself in the same position as you - trying to work out how to say no gently without hurting her feelings.