don't want to upset my Mum but...

[angelsw12]

I wondered if anyone else had similar experiences.

I love my Mum, don't get me wrong, but we don't always see eye to eye on everything and I don't feel like we get on as well as she does with my sister.

We lives miles away from each so only really see each other for a couple of days maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

She was so excited when I told her I was pregnant, I think having 2 daughters in her 30's, neither having had any children she has been wondering if it would ever be her turn to be a grandma.

Anyway, she came to visit a few days ago and told me she has taken 2 weeks off around my due date (not until December) so she can come and stay with us and help out. The thing is, I feel like she is assuming things and pushing me to make decisions about things I haven't even thought of yet. And when I do think about it, I am not sure that I will want my Mum here for 2 whole weeks (a long time). Then sometimes I think maybe I mad and I should accept her help because I will need it.

Anyway, I told her I hadn't thought that far ahead yet and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and I could tell I upset her but I didn't mean to. I don't want to upset her and I know she so desperately wants to be included but I just don't know whether it will stress me out more having her around during that time or not.

Anyone have any ideas about what I should do?

I definitely agree with other posters who suggested having mother/MIL over after DH/DP has finished his paternity leave. That's the best time for a granny to come over; you're feeling a bit better, you have bonded with DC (and re-bonded with DH/DP), and the house by now is a mess!

When granny does come, just a warning: don't let her hold the baby all the time, as this creates an expectation that you can't possibly fulfil. After being cuddled for hours on end by different people after he got home, my DS got very upset after all our help left and I had to put him down occasionally!

It's a tough one isn't it but I think you definately need to do what is right for you. I'm really close to my mum too but she lives nearby. She stayed away really for the first two weeks (popping in to drop of meals and take away our washing!) but if I'm honest I needed her more when my husband had gone back to work. By then I had two weeks of very little sleep and absolutely no help with my husband gone in the day so she came and just helped with the cleaning and taking baby out to let me get a few hours nap.

My husbands parents came and stayed in a B&B two days after I'd given birth and stayed for two days. That was more than enough. I know it's different with your own mum but I just wanted time with the three of us.

I'm sure she'll understand if you ask her to save her big block of time off until you really need her.

My mum and I get on great, she lives round the corner from me and I'll be utilising her help to the max. BUT, my mother in law lives in South Africa and has planned a trip to stay with us for THREE MONTHS. Ahhh. Initially she wanted to come right when baby is due (May 17th), but DH managed to convince her to wait till baby is a few months old. But to be honest, as much as a cow I am for saying this, she'll drive me crazy whenever she comes

Hmmm, see your point OP. I love my mum but she can be hard work and she doesn't like babies!

What we've decided is that when I first come home from hospital we'd like time (2 weeks) alone with the baby to bond as a family and let DH become involved. Be nice to figure out the baby for ourselves and trust our instincts in the first fortnight.

Also if mum is there she will be the 'baby expert' and DH will be pushed out into the cooking/cleaning/housekeeping role.

And when DH finishes paternity leave and the novelty is wearing off and I need sleep, then mum will step in but she says she will look after her baby (me), not the newborn!

Jeez, first1, a house guest for 3 months sounds really intense! Cant she stay at a B&B or short term holiday let nearby so she can pop round during the day, but you also have alone time as a new family to bond?

My mum came for a week when DS was about 4 weeks old, which was perfect timing as DH was going back to work (with Xmas he had managed to get 4 weeks off in total). MIL then came for a week after she left. That was about right for us and was a help, but we had already adjusted and got over the worst! Can you suggest she comes a couple of weeks later?

Not sure what we are going to do this time round because of DS. Feel like we need someone here, but also not keen on having MIL here when I go into labour! Nor when I first come home! But I guess I will just have to grin and bear it and be grateful, esp if I have to have another c-section.

But if it is your first then those first weeks are important and you need to do what is best for you.

first1 that is really tough. It is bad enough that my mum always has to come for a week as they live about 4 1/2 hours away, but 3 months!!! I WISH my mum or MIL just lived round the corner so they could babysit on a regular basis or have him a couple times a week in the afternoon!

3 months! I thought one of my colleageus had an awkward situation - his Italian mother in law turned up three weeks before the birth and I think by the time the baby had arrived he was going up the wall.

Mum has offered to come with me when I give birth, but I´m not keen, I thought I would ask her to come over when I get out of hospital whch is when I may need the help. Does anyone take their mother with them to give birth?

I´m not sure when/how to ask my MIL about when she wants to visit. I know that she will want to (DH is the apple of her eye and he´s the only child likely to produce grandchildren), but of course although she´s lovely, she´s not my mother and I find it a bit harder to take advice from her.

CardiCorgi, there is no way I would have my mother with me, we get on, but we don't have loads in common and I just can't imagine it!

With your MIL, I know how you feel, but I will say that I have become closer to her now that I have a child, and I now feel it's important to involve her just as much as my mum, ie. I do it for her relationship with my son as much as anything. So I would try not to leave it too long after your mum that she comes to visit, esp if as you suggest, she doesn't have any daughters of her own. I just got my DH to be really upfront with her about the amount of advice to give (he's quite good like that), and she was actually really good and just helped with dinner, cleaning and things like that rather than trying to take over DS.

Seriously, I'm dreading it. My mum has said she'll put her up for a couple of weeks but I don't want to burden my own parents as they can't deal with her either. God I'm a bitch aren't I!? There's a B&B at the end of our road but I'd feel really bad making her pay for such a long time, so I'll just have to grin and bare her. DH's sister lives in Bristol so I can wave her off there for a little while. But as DH will be working Mon-Friday I'm going to have to babysit her the rest of the time as well as a 4month old!!

DomesticG0ddess no, I can´t imagine it either! I think for the birth it should just be me and dh (and however many doctors, midwives, medical students etc. the hospital deems necessary).
I agree it´s really important to keep MIL involved. She does actually have a daughter too, but my SIL has had health problems all of her life and won´t be able to have children. I think my MIL sometimes misses out on some of the mother-daughter things that she would have liked to do, hence I ended up with both her and my mother with me when I went wedding dress shopping which was interesting. She´s lovely really, it´s just I sometimes still feel that I have to be on best behaviour.

first1 can you send her to the shops for you and on other errands so that you are not in each others way all of the time? That way she would be doing something useful too.

I haven't had that discussion with my Mum yet. I think she and Dad will want to come and visit while we're in hospital, but I certainly don't want them staying with us when we first get home - as PPs have said, I think that time when the three of us will be on our own as a family will be really important. I think I'll suggest my parents come and stay a few weeks after the birth - they've both retired so they can be flexible in terms of what will suit us (and I am pretty sure they'll be amenable to whatever suits us).

My MIL will come over from the UK (we now live in Australia) about two months after the baby is born, and will probably stay for two months - under normal circumstances she'd drive me crazy but for various reasons I will only have three months full time leave, so it will be a Godsend for her to be able to help out until we confirm the type of permanent child care arrangements we'll want.

I think all you can do is tell her you want to keep things fairly flexible, and if she gets upset she gets upset. She probably won't though.

I sympathise. I love my Dad (Mam sadly deceased) and he was the one that came over to look after DS1 when DS2 was born. But, being the wonderful soul he is, he only stayed for a cuppa and a cuddle after we got home from the hospital, saying "I'll give you lot a chance to bond as a family." I'll never forget that, he really wanted to stay, but didn't.

OP, you are definitely doing the right thing by laying down the boundaries now.

Don't worry so much about hurting her feelings - it will actually be a lot better if things are laid out straight now. My DS was completely unplanned, and when I went into labour we still hadn't thought about parents. My mum instantly dropped things and drove up from Cornwall (we're in Kent) and stayed with my Nan for a few days. The thing is, because she 'wasn't going to see him often' she turned up in the delivery suite and was there when DS was born, which spoiled the delivery experience, then clung to DS like a limpet a few days later after I'd been discharged - when my PIL came to see him for the first ime. They barely got a cuddle in at all, and it's caused lasting resentment - on all sides.

This time around, we've sorted things out very early, and while I can't be convinced that my mum isn't a bit miffed, she was the one who suggested that she come a few weeks after the baby's born. Though that was more to do with holiday being scarce at her new job, and money being tight enough that she can't just disappear off again.

You are definitely doing the right thing by sorting this out now. this way, when the baby's actually born, any lingering 'resentment' (it won't be as strong as that hopefully) will dry up because the arrangements are old news, and the baby is brand new.

first1 do you have any friends who need a house sitter for a week or 2 in the months following your birth? That way your MIL doesnt have to pay for accomodation.