Fed up with being told pregnancy horror stories (warning contains horror stories)

[moonstorm]

Well not horror as such, but on anouncing my pregnancy, I've been told about how they lost a baby at 26 weeks, about other paople who had late miscarriages/ lost a young baby etc. etc. I am really fed up! I didn't think I would get throught the first trimester (bleeding) and now want to relax. I know nothing is certain until the baby is born, but I wish people would stop with the negative

Sorry! Rant over

I do feel that I have to say something again here.
I can see that there are times and places. However, I am currently 35w pregnant and also have a sad story, there are times when I worry about telling people ( and obviously I am not going to put it on this thread) but what has happened is a HUGE part of me that will never go away. As Woolly says, maybe they just feel that you may have some compassion for what they have been through. Telling stories for gruesome effect is never appropriate, but sharing a tragic story of loss or bereavement is actually them opening up about something which should be handled sensitively.

As sad and scary as it is, these things do happen, and if they do happen to you it is difficult not to feel like a freak of nature. Let alone without some of the opinions voiced here. If someone offered me information about seeing a counsellor if I simply told them my story, I would be mortified. There is a hideous taboo about pregnancy and infant loss which makes it even harder when you have to go through it.

By all means, think positively, but maybe be aware that if someone is telling you a story that makes you a bit worried, the chances are that they have ben to hell and back, and simply do want you to be aware of the risks that pregnancy carries.

I used to wonder why people go on about horrible birth stories, until I had a horrible birth myself.

Then I understood that pretty much no none wants to hear about it or give you any sympathy so I think unfortunately other people's pregnancy's give an opportunity to talk about it.

I agree it's not appropriate, but it doesn't necessarily come from a bad place.

It is so tricky because for these women your pregnancy is a reminder of something that cuts very deep. And having experienced trauma, they need to talk about it. That said, of course you must politely say that you don't want to hear it if it's upsetting to you.

And bear in mind that where labour is concerned, some women are suffering because they were so very, very shocked by the reality of labour. I wish so much that I hadn't been so convinced that birth would go a certain way because the gap between expectation and reality was a hideous hole that I couldn't get out of. Of course no two births are the same and yes you absolutely must be positive and hopeful and enjoy your pregnancy and delivery. While making a small nod to what you'd like to happen if anything unexpected happens. Not a horror story or doom and gloom, but an honest acknowledgment of something I ignored.

You plan for what you want to happen, accept that mostly labour is straightforward for the masses, plan for the unforseen, just in case scenarios and enjoy your pregnancy.

Congratulations to you. It's a lovely time. I had a brilliantly happy pregnancy.

Ooh yes and I can tell you about holding on to my own bowel

But I dont know why people do this to pg women, its mean and unhelpful. Same as when people say 'ooh youre still here then' as you waddle along and you feel like shouting 'no ive had it youre fucking hallucinating'

But one word of warning, worrying about your baby never ends from the minute you get that blue line until you die. But theyre worth it

I deliberately DON'T tell my various pregnancy and labour-related horror stories to pregnant woman, even if they ask. What's the point in frightening people?

nah, i completely disagree with the pp, i think that whinging about being pregnant to someone who has struggled to conceive is rarely going to go down well. if you'd struggled to conceive you are just more bloody grateful for your situation than if you haven't.

I think some stories probably CAN be helpful though.

Until I was pregnant and participating on antenatal boards I had never heard of a missed miscarriage. Yes, it scared me going into my 12 week scan but before that I always thought you would know if you were having a miscarriage - I was more prepared of what the possible outcome of my 12 week scan could be as a result of 'horror stories'.

My friend and colleague lost a baby at 40 weeks. I didn't know this when I got pg. When I went into work and told her I had a bleed she didn't say anything about it. When the miscarriage was all done and dusted and I was talking about it with her, then she told me. I knew she empathised and was grateful for her sharing it. She would never have told me while I was pg, or waiting to find out if I was MCing. That would be completely inappropriate.

Yes Eric, same here. When I lost my baby at 17 weeks, all my friends came out with their stories of miscarriage, some of them so close to term too! This was to make me feel less alone and to share their experience of coping with the trauma. Not one of them told me their horror stories till the mc was complete.

There are some things you don't need to know if things are going well for you.

"congratulations on your pregnancy but jesus, show some compassion, woman."

Aitch - was this directed at me?

Of course I showed compassion, and feel so awful for everyone who has been through serious (or any) complications in pregnancy - but compassion works both ways. This particular conversation went (paraphrasing slightly - I can't remember exactly):

Me: Have you heard, I'm pregnant?
Her: Congratlations! Did you know I lost a baby at 26 weeks, though?
(It happened over 6 years ago, and obviously still haunts her - we talked about it for a long time)

Most accounts have been people not talking about themselves, but about people they know - it just seems so inconsiderate.

I feel so desperately sorry for anyone who has lost a baby - that is why these stories get to me so much - I can't bear the thought of going through it myself.

Birth horror stories don't worry me as much - I know birth is going to happen, but stories of loss are dreadful.

A lot of us are talking about them now - but that is what the thread is about. No-one goes onto a 'yay I'm pregnant' thread and posts 'by the way I lost my baby at xx weeks - so don't get too excited' do they?

It's so nice to hear of all the good stories as well!

I've just read the rest of the threads now, and maybe I need to clarify.

I think it's the timing. At our antenatal class, we were lucky enough to be able discuss horrible birth stories. At work, the subject of birth and related stories have come up and horror stories galore have been discussed - but woul it be right to share these stories with a heavily pregnant lady?

Talking of birth loss, after someone has given birth is different to scaring someone who is newly pregnant.

I tell pregnant friends about Strep B and to think about getting checked out and why - I don't talk about the baby who died not long after birth because of it.

There are lots of 'horror story' threads, but I can choose to read them or not - if I am honest, I tend to avoid the m/c board - maybe I am selfish. I just want to avoid giving myself things to stress about.

My own pregnancy is high risk and I am under consultant care - I didn't think I would reach 12 weeks and have had 5 scans so far - ok I don't expect people to know this, but maybe it is making me more sensitive about these comments than normal.

i don't believe the conversation with your friend who lost her baby at 26 weeks went even slightly the way you have paraphrased it. like i say, have some compassion. or at least show her an ounce of the sensitivity that you expect a still-traumatised woman to show you...

Erm.. well I was there. I was rather gobsmacked. I paraphrased because we were in the middle of a converstion in before I mentioned my pregnancy and I can't remember exactly how I broke the news. Her reply is pretty much spot on. She wanted to me to avoid telling too many people just in case (I am showing, so there's not going to be much hiding it).

It is possible to show and feel compassion, yet at the same time wish someone would keep their mouth shut.

She has since gone on to have two more children. I am sure throughout the next two pregnancies, she was terrified of the same thing happening again, so I wanted a little compassion for me not to be put in the position of being terrified of my own pregnancy.

oh fgs. yes, you are right. people should only think about you, never about themselves or their dead children. you are completely right.

It's not really like that, though is it?

isn't it? some people will hold back, others won't. doesn't make the people who can't hold back bad people. the world doesn't revolve around you and your pregnancy.

I think we'll just have to disagree. I don't talk much about my pregnancy, but I did post here on the Pregnancy forum on a mum's website - I don't think that demonstrates that I think the world revolves around me...

Wow. AitchTwoZone you are being quite harsh.

When I was waiting for my VBAC my work colleague told me how his wife ripped right through her anus and 'bled out' and had to have a blood transfusion.

Thanks for that.

Luckily, although labour was quite traumatic to me because I had done no preparation and had a failed epidural, the pushing was so much easier than the labour to dilate my cervix, and thankfully I didn't tear 'right through to my anus'. 15/20 minutes pushing and she was out. Just a couple of stitches.

You just need to cross your fingers and hope as you never know what you'll be dealt with.

Part of pregnancy and birth is that sometimes things do go wrong / differently / not how people planned / wanted them to be. I think its healthy that people discuss this and are aware of this. I do think people should leave it a bit with the birth is hell stories for people in their first pregnancy.

However I have friends who flinch if I even mention my 2nd pregnancy when they are pregnany (which ended sadly) and it really hurts. FWIW I only mention it as a comparison, e.g. mentioning I had worse morning sickness with that pregnancy (which was a different gender) or something.

I do think Aitch has a point. Poorly babies and difficult births should be issues that are treated sensitively but should not be taboo just to protect your feelings.

I agree that we all need to be aware of the things that can and do go wrong so as to prepare for them. I know a girl who had an unexpected breech delivery and is still traumatised by it... but the one thing she keeps saying is "stuff happened to me that I never knew could happen". Part of the reason she is so upset is that she was unprepared for what might happen if things didn't go to plan.

That said, I will lighten the thread by saying I had a straightforward pregnancy and a positive birth experience. Am looking forward to doing it all again with my second and hope I am as lucky next time. Sadly my 'happy' story lacks all the drama and excitement of the horror stories though which I suspect is why you don't hear them as often.

I am going to stop posting soon, as I think this thread is goint too far off topic - it could maybe continued under another name if someone feels that way, but I won't start another to do with this.

Owlingate:

What I am trying to say (and maybe not doing it very well) is not that she should never have said anything, but maybe could have waited in the circumstances. I have horror stories of my own after what happened to friends and family members. We do talk about what happened (obviously to varying degrees). But, obviously, I would never share them with a pregnant woman. It just seems inconsiderate.

What I have been talking about is the timing of the sharing of the stories. My friend wanted to warn me off getting too excited and sharing the news with too many people, but maybe sharing her story then wasn't so thoughtful.

It's like the birth stories - why share them with someone who is 30+ weeks pregnant? Why not wait until after the birth, or share instead with other people?

Of course baby loss should never be treated as a taboo, but in the same way that our forums are seperated into 'pregnancy', 'misscarriage' etc. there is an acknowledgement that people who suffer loss might not want to hear of another person's BFP, someone who is pregnant might want to ignore all of those things that could potentially go wrong.

I am desperately sorry for anyone who has ever had a miscarriage of a still/ traumatic birth. Please, please don't think I am not. Maybe I have been oversensitive due to the fact that my pregnancy is high risk and that I feel I cannot relax until October has been and gone. I just wonder why people seem to think they can say anything to a pregnant woman - to scare them etc. and it is ok.

Anyway. That's me done for this thread.

Over and out.

Moonstorm

i think sometimes the stories can be helpful, both my mother and my MIL had something happen (incidentally both their 3rd babies to the posters who noted this before), but both were preventable to varying degrees and they taught me two things 1) never eat a partially raw burger when pregnant, 2) get mw to check umbilical cord during birth (my mw did not do this as standard so my mother just requested it and it was done, this point had also been discussed in the antenatal classes, but not by me).

I do think people telling pregnant women about horror stories which were not preventable is pointless. Re- the person with the story of the woman who apparently pushed so hard that her eye popped out - you can learn that you should shut your eyes (which I think is fairly natural anyway), kinda like when people say if you sneeze with your eyes open, they will pop out... has never happened to me yet though...

On a lighter note . . . I enjoyed my pregnancy. I was in labour for 3 hrs, no pain relief, no stitches. Enjoyed every minute.
This pregnancy is the same so far . .32 weeks.
Everybody has a story to tell, some heart breaking, and some full of joy.
Each pregnancy is different.
I had heard 'horror' stories, and expected to be really ill during labour, so my experience was better than expected!
I do agree though, that you hear more sad stories about pregnancy and birth, than happy ones.
Hope I havn't offended anyone by my post!