Why why why is no one happy or supportive that I want a homebirth?

[sweetkitty]

DP and I had a big row again last night as I want a homebirth with this baby. His arguments are what if something goes wrong and if it did (ie the baby died) how would I feel going into that room again?

Not one person I have said I want a homebirth to has said good for you, all of them (friends and family) are totally against it.

My arguments are this is my second baby, my first was a 4h 20min straightforward labour only with gas and air. The most traumatic part for me was getting to the hospital, being left in the labour room with DP as they thought I would be ages and afterwards was a complete nightmare, ie the food, hygiene, lack of privacy everything really. I also have a one year old DD to look after as well, our family will be an hour away so will take that long to find a babysitter to look after DD when the time comes, I think if I can get friendly with a neighbour popping her in with them for a few hours would be preferable.

I have said to DP it is no more dangerous than a hospital birth and that at the first sign of anything going wrong I will go to hospital and if at any time in the pregnancy a midwife says you will be better in hospital then I will go.

I just feel it's me against everyone right now argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Speaking of bad reactions...

Had an appointment with my GP yesterday regarding the continuation of my anticoagulants post-partum. I haven't seen this GP since January, having had no need to visit the doctor, or indeed not having been 'summoned' for monitoring etc.

No sooner had I sat down and she'd realised that I was going for a home birth with an independent midwife - and that there was a query over who was doing the neo-natal check - than she started on about how the NHS isn't set up for people to just pick the services they want, how they think they provide a perfectly good service and it causes inconvenience for everyone when people just pick out parts of the system. She didn't quite call me selfish and irresponsible and guilty of cherry-picking the NHS, but she was only fractionally away from it. For god's sake - the commitment to pay an independent midwife isn't one you take lightly - and thereby we're saving the NHS money. Isn't the government encouraging people to go privately, if they can...?

When she realised that I had received absolutely no blood monitoring (or indeed any other kind of extra monitoring) since starting the anticoagulants, she tried to say that I had 'fallen through the cracks' because of said 'cherry-picking' - which is rubbish because I last saw the consultant at 11 weeks and we didn't hire the midwife for a good 10 weeks after that. At that point I didn't know about the guidelines on both the RCOG website and in the BNF - but I'm sure they should have done at least two full blood counts during that time.

She expected me to justify why I'd chosen the course I have - telling me that of course I don't 'meet the criteria' for a home birth or a birth centre (yes - I know that - which is why I took matters into my own hands in the first place) and went on about the risk of bleeding because of the medication. Which is also rubbish because it only takes 24 hours to leave your system, so unless I go into labour at 36+1, I don't really see this as a valid argument. Apart from which - I'm happy to have a reasonable educated discussion about comparative risk, but I'm not prepared to be spoken to as though I'm some kind of irresponsible half-wit.

She then rang the local hospital to get me an appointment with the consultant to discuss the drugs post-partum and in talking about me with the sister, said my plans 'make [her] hair stand on end' (I'm sitting right here - I can hear you...), implying again that it's my fault I've not been monitored. When I remarked that the appointment clashed with my first ante-natal class, she said 'Well this is much more important'. No sh*t - I came to see you, remember...??

She finished up by reiterating that they provide a perfectly good service, that they have x thousand people passing through their doors and that they can't be expected to tailor things for every individual. This is the same woman who six months ago called midwifery services in this country 'a national scandal' and mused on why more women don't complain about it.

Anyway. I'm quite feisty, but I emerged feeling really quite angry and upset. I wasn't going to have an argument with her because I didn't think it would be a productive use of my energies - and there wasn't really the time available - but I found her attitude really quite offensive. You'd think that I was using a cowboy midwife, rather than someone who trained in the NHS and is registered with the same professional body.

Looking forward to seeing the consultant next week...

sweetkitty - i had a homebirth on my 2nd child and it was amazing in so many ways. The two midwives were there JUST FOR ME. I had her in my living room. It was so mad after that they went and there was no mess or anything to think i had just had a baby at home. My mum was upstairs looking after my son so they both got to see my daughter straight away. When the midwives had gone my dh was getting tea and bacon sandwiches on! I was able to go and use MY CLEAN bathroom too! FAB

at your GP RedZuleika! Brings back bad memories.

I decided on a homebirth in 1998 for my first child. When I told my GP it went like this:

'I'm hoping to have a home birth'.
'HA!. Are you now? And are you aware that 80% of women who CLAIM the want homebirths end up being rushed into hospital?'

Like you, I came out feeling defensive, having just been attacked!
The last straw was when I told the NHS MW I didn't want to have a scan.

'Is that a problem?' I asked.
'Not at all', she replied, 'just take this sealed envelope to the Obstetrician at St. Thomas' Hospital...'

Naturally I opened said envelope. It contained a letter she'd writted saying, 'This woman is REFUSING a scan and INSISTING on a home confinemnt'

I'd been really polite and deferential up until that point.

This is why I felt I'd been left with no option but to hire independent midwives. All I wanted was women who'd support my birth choices. I couldn't possibly have left myself in the 'care' of women who thought (in the sealed envelope of their minds) I was a loony.

I've since had four home deliveries with the same midwives. Hiring them was the best decision I've ever made.

I'm not at all well off. (dh is an actor so finances fluctuate wildly) dh and I have had no holidays (apart from camping) in over ten years.
But these women have been absolutely worth their weight in gold and I will never forget them.

Oooo - it makes me mad. 80% of women transfer?? Unless things were very different seven years ago, the figures are more like 70+% of women planning a home birth do actually deliver at home (statistics available from the Independent Midwives Association website). This was one of the first things I checked out on considering hiring an independent, as I didn't want to feel that I'd wasted the money. Do they really think that so naive you won't check things like this?? I was made to feel guilty by some spotty SHO once, who blamed me for one of my miscarriages because I'd got pregnant again straight after a previous miscarriage. I now know this it's completely untrue that this increases your risk of miscarriage - but I was passing clots and in pain at the time, so top marks for bullying, no marks for bedside manner.

As for the secret sealed envelope business... they used to do things like that 40 / 50 years ago to my mother. You'd think that the doctor / patient relationship would have changed since then, particularly with the whole data protection / freedom of information issue.

Still feeling fairly annoyed and glum about the whole thing - and really not looking forward to the consultant appointment. It's been made worse by the fact that my husband, whilst supportive of the whole home birth plan, is now suggesting that we should accept extra monitoring for the remainder of the pregnancy, if offered by the consultant. I know that there's nothing wrong with accruing extra information, but I don't think he realises how mentally and emotionally debilitating it can be, having to fly in the face of shroud-waving. It makes you doubt yourself. He blithely thinks that the consultant will act like a grown up and respect my opinion, without pressuring me to do the 'accepted' thing - but he thought this about the GP too...

Btw - I felt that I couldn't leave myself in the 'care' of midwives who didn't believe me about my ovulation date, even though I was absolutely certain - and (like you) wrote 'DECLINED triple test and nuchal fold scan' across my notes, when ticking the check box 'no' to scanning would have done...

I completely understand your retisence to go anywhere near the consultant. I don't envy you that. All I would say is try to be transparent when you go to see him. Hum a tune in your head and don't let his pathological terror steer you from your course.

I also had a really nasty obstetrician roughly trying to examine me and shouting at me to keep still DURING a really painful late miscarriage. I'm eternally grateful to the baby I lost because it was this horrible experience which convince me to stay away from the medics for birth, unless a problem occurred.

As it happens, during this m/c, they asked me again and again if they could give me something for the pain and when I kept saying 'no, I want to know what's happening to me' they asked my dh to try to persuade me.

In the end they convince me they knew best, gave me pethidine so I felt sick and drunk. It meant that instead of being able to recoup in between contractions I just conked out. It didn't do anything to alleviate the pain of the contractions themselves. Grrrrrrrr! Don't get me started.

Could you tell your indie mw's you are concerned about your monitoring with the consultant and perhaps get them to come along with you? Mine would have been up for this I feel sure.

Sorry for blatant thread hijack. Wishing you all the best with it RedZuleika.

Thanks!

More thread hijacking - perhaps this should be retitled 'Bad obstetric experiences I have had...'.

Like you, it was my miscarriages - principally the second - which has partially informed my feelings about a birth 'plan'. The same spotty guilt-tripping SHO initially refused to see me - until the on-call GP rang her back to give her a b*llocking for being so unprofessional (he was worried about the extent of bleeding etc). Having made me feel that it was all my fault, she then proceeded to do something utterly excruciating to my cervix and admitted me overnight because she couldn't see any 'products of conception' (no one was listening to me when I said that I thought I'd already passed them...). The night nursing staff were very nice and competent - but the day staff were horrible. I went to the nurses' station to borrow a pen at one point and they didn't realise I was an in-patient because I wasn't wearing jammies. They were discussing my file, the inevitability of my miscarriage and saying 'I really don't know what she's doing here...'.

As they weren't certain I wasn't going to need an ERPC, I was nil by mouth - but then they couldn't find a doctor to see me, so I ended up being without fluids for 14 hours on a hot summer's day. If I didn't feel rubbish when I went in, I certainly did when I left. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have discharged myself after an ultrasound and told them to call me if the blood test showed anything interesting.

I'm sure the midwife would come with me if I asked her, but I feel that I should be tough and feisty and handle it myself. My husband (after the experience with the doctor) immediately took the afternoon off work to come with me. He may be right and the consultant may be reasonable and sensible about the conversation - but I've noticed hitherto that he has a tendency not to answer the question you asked - but a different, much more simplistic question which a) doesn't help at all and b) is a little patronising. If he does offer extra monitoring for the few weeks left, I shall be very tempted to decline - and then have a very stiff conversation about it with 'im indoors...

Good luck RedZ.
God! They don't inspire one with confidence do they?
I know I'd be tempted to keep the scare mongering medics a long way away.
It's great you have a supportive partner and indie MWs though.
I'd be glad to hear how you get on so if you get time to CAT me please do. That said I realise you've got enough on your plate so don't worry.
I hope you get the birth you want.