Why why why is no one happy or supportive that I want a homebirth?

[sweetkitty]

DP and I had a big row again last night as I want a homebirth with this baby. His arguments are what if something goes wrong and if it did (ie the baby died) how would I feel going into that room again?

Not one person I have said I want a homebirth to has said good for you, all of them (friends and family) are totally against it.

My arguments are this is my second baby, my first was a 4h 20min straightforward labour only with gas and air. The most traumatic part for me was getting to the hospital, being left in the labour room with DP as they thought I would be ages and afterwards was a complete nightmare, ie the food, hygiene, lack of privacy everything really. I also have a one year old DD to look after as well, our family will be an hour away so will take that long to find a babysitter to look after DD when the time comes, I think if I can get friendly with a neighbour popping her in with them for a few hours would be preferable.

I have said to DP it is no more dangerous than a hospital birth and that at the first sign of anything going wrong I will go to hospital and if at any time in the pregnancy a midwife says you will be better in hospital then I will go.

I just feel it's me against everyone right now argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

sweetkitty - I had my first and third at home. Second was hospital because she was overdue. It was poorly managed, much less 'hands on' than home births and I felt isolated.

Homebirth midwife told us that if anything started to go wrong with the birth, I would go to hospital. Or if anything medically risky came up during the pregnancy. You've got the same sensible attitude.

Can you ask a midwife experienced in homebirth to chat to dh and talk through some of his fears etc?

I still remember the rosy glow of lying in bed with dd1, sipping champagne and breastfeeding for the first time. Wonderful.

MF, I think it's a little niave to say that first time mums shouldn't have home birth because they don't know what will happen, problems can occur in subsequent births as much as firsts- it's not like there are complications that only happen to prims. The future is generally an unknown, no matter how many babies you've had.

I'm somewhat suspect of the assertion that "had she been in a hospital the baby would have lived" as well. Given the kit sitting in my living room right now, the only thing I cannot have at my birth is some pain relief (and Pethidine can actually interfere with the breathing of a newborn so it's arguably safer), a C-section and an instrumental delivery which I will refuse in favour of a C-section anyway (research into maternal outcomes has convinced me that C-section would be less damaging to my and my baby's health than instrumental delivery). Research has shown that the time from home to operating table for emergency C-sections actually shorter than the time from ward to operating theatre, so honestly I feel I'm lessening the risks to my baby's life with a first time home birth.

sweetkitty, haven't read the rest of the thread, but why don't you get your dp some books about homebirth with some facts and figures about the risks?

And is your midwife supportive? If so, could you get her to talk to him?

Dizietsma - fully agree. A friend of mine recently had her 1st baby at home and had a wonderful experience.
Would also like to add that although my homebirth was great, something did go wrong - I had a pph (lost 1.5L of blood in the 3rd stage). However, I was transferred to hospital without any fuss and it was all fine. So unless you live a very long way from the hospital I wouldn't be too concerned.

And a tip my midwife gave me - she said if you want a domino birth, arrange a homebirth, because that's the only way you'll get the domino (that was in the area I lived in at the time).

Sweetkitty it sounds as if some more info might help your dp. It might be worth getting into contact with your local NCT if you don't feel that your midwife is the right one. But I do agree that you and your dp should try and reach agreement onthis one, which is hard I know.

FWIW around here you get much better mw supervision if you have a homebirth rather than a hospital one. The hospital can be overcrowded, and overmedicalised. A homebirth isn't for everyone, but I guess that I'm slightly surprised that it is being viewed so negatively - agree with Sophable that they're statistically safer, and you get a better standard of care (in my area you have to have 2 mws in attendance towards the end, one for you and one for baby).

Not sure about distance to hospital, but our distance to the nearest maternity unit would be 15-40 minutes unless by ambulance, depending on time of day, and I've never heard that we couldn't have a homebirth in this area. Soupdragon used to be NCT queen so she might know more.

If it is any consolation, other than from dh, I had similar levels of hostility/concern about my choice for an elective c/section with ds2! I think that there are just some people out there who will criticise you regardless!

I would also be a little sceptical about the suggestion that first-timers shouldn't have a home birth: from what I've read / been told, when things go wrong in a first delivery, they tend to do so more slowly than in subsequent ones - allowing more time for action / transfer. And midwives don't turn up to a home birth armed only with rubber gloves and hope.

Also - whilst I accept that babies die during homebirths, they also do so in hospitals. To use one anecdotal case of neo-natal death to suggest that home birth is dangerous is just not logical to me: you could as well say that because one baby died of MRSA recently, it's not safe to give birth in hospital.

There was a recent study as well that showed that 1 in 7 people will get a secondary infection whilst in a UK hospital. Now these aren't all MRSA and aren't all deadly. But it's still something that should be totally preventable if hospitals in this country were anywhere near up to scratch.

This is one the big reasons that I feel, even as a first timer, that I'm doing the best thing for me and my baby by going for a home birth. Even if I need a transfer at some point, at least I will have reduced the amount of time I spend in hospital and hopefully reduced the chance of coming in contact with something nasty and potentially dangerous.

Incidentally, there is an interesting article here about why homebirth is actually more suitable for first timers.

Also I think a lot of people are skeptical about the safety of a homebirth because they've been brought up to believe that childbirth became safer after the shift from having babies at home to having them in medical surroundings. In fact, the biggest factors in reducing infant and maternal mortality rates was reducing the number of babies that the average woman has in her life time and also spacing the babies out - rather than bearing one child immediately after another.

Ask your DH, what if you go into hospital, something goes wrong and the baby dies in hospital (babies do indeed, sometimes die trying to be born in hospital, too). Will he never set foot in that hospital again? Will he drive miles out of his way to avoid seeing signposts to it? Will he insist that no one bring it up in conversation?

I'm firmly with the 'it's your body' camp. My partner was absolutely adamant he didn't want me to give birth to our second baby at home, especially as the first birth was a bit of a nightmare. No amount of argument would budge him. So I just went ahead anyway, with lots of support on MN.

And the birth was splendid and even DP is now a reluctant convert.

I honestly didn't feel it was any of DP's business. My body, my pregnancy, my delivery.

"Also I think a lot of people are skeptical about the safety of a homebirth because they've been brought up to believe that childbirth became safer after the shift from having babies at home to having them in medical surroundings."

On this point, my DH works with children and was recently asked by a wee boy "How do Giraffes have babies if they don't have hospitals?". Isn't it rather sad that birth equates hospital so inextricably in the minds of our children that they cannot possibly imagine it otherwise? Even more upsetting was the response of the other children to this question where they all started acting out how they thought birth happened- lying on their backs and screaming blue murder. Is it any wonder birth is so fraught when we are conditioned to expect such a terrible experience?

Hi Sweetkitty. I found people weren't very enthusiastic when I said I wanted a homebirth. All the usual arguments 'what if something goes wrong?' 'Its your first baby they won't let you'. They carry all necessary equipment for revival should the worst happen. At the first sign of trouble they whip you straight into hospital.
My DD1 was a homebirth with 3 midwives and took 22hours. Baby fine throughout and I was coping well. Afterwards it was so nice to have a bath in my own bath and feed for the first time in my own bed! Also the midwives who attended said they all had homebirths and said they were best in their opinions! They found babies were more alert as weren't full of drugs you may have gone for if having a hospital birth. Also mums were so much more content!
DD2 was a homebirth also and DH had to deliver her. I coped with pain a bit too well and things went very quickly!
I always remember telling a work colleague that I was having a homebirth and her answer? 'So what do you want - a medal? ' It really is just some peoples attitudes and the fact they don't understand. Get all the info you can, I found by answering peoples questions they soon came round. Good luck and I wish you a safe and amazing birth wherever it may be!!

I would be dead if I had chosen a home birth for my second child.

I just reread my post. It was a little abrupt, but I just meant to say that it isn't completely unfounded that your loved ones are nervous about the risks involved in a home birth. If something happens to you, it will be your dp and family who are left to cope.
I completely agree with you that labor wards are shockingly horrible in this country, but at the same time it is only a few days out of your life.

Sweetkitty - It really annoys me that so many people talk about hospitals being the only safe environment to have a baby. Experienced midwives will know in plenty of time if there's a problem and the vast majority of births do pass off without problems. Many of the problems that do occur are as a direct result of pressure from hospital to labour within a certain time frame and as a result of unneccessary medical intervention.

I had a home birth with my first and will be having one with my second and my main reason for doing so was that I had heard so many birth horror stories from friends that were actually about the hospital experience. I heard stories of insensitive staff, being left alone for too long, uneccesary interventions, terrible aftercare - you name it.

When you have a home birth they have to send two midwives who are available for you and you only. You have no pressure to get to hospital at the right time and you can get in your own bed afterwards with your husband and baby beside you. My husband was initially sceptical the first time round but is a zealous convert now. Obviously you need to agree it with your husband but I'd say that if your first labour was only four hours this one will probably be half that and the only really sensible place to be is at home. What's the point in going in to a noisy, overcrowded hospital when you could be tucked up in your own bed with your baby after such a short amount of time. Good Luck with persuading him!

Sofia, why would you be dead if you'd had a home birth? Are you aware of the clinical circumstances of a home birth or are you just making the assumption that because you had complications in your birth then they could only be safely managed in a hospital? Have you also considered the possibility that your complications could actually have been exacerbated by hospital birth? Did you have a high risk pregnancy? Obviously I have no idea of your circumstances but I would be very interesed to hear them.

Also, I think that guilt tripping with the comment "it's only a few days out of your life" implying that wanting a home birth is in some way selfish is a terrible attitude. I also think that implying that having a home birth increases your risk of mortality is not only provably wrong but scaremongering. Do us all a favour and do some research before you start whipping up hysteria.

I'm sure there are women who would still be with us had they had homebirths too, SA. It's a question of weighing up the pros and cons and going with what you feel comfortable with.

I also have to take issue with the phrase "it is only a few days out of your life": it rather suggests that I (and others) think ourselves too good to spend time on a labour / post-natal ward which may be dirty and / or an infection risk (see the myriad of stories about uncleaned blood products in the bathrooms in the thread 'How clean was your hospital?').

It isn't necessarily going to be just a few days. It may be a time that has repercussions for the rest of your life - and your child's. I appreciate that I cannot prepare for every eventuality, but as it stands at the moment, I feel I am minimising my risk by having a home birth. Not least because 'policy' dictates that I would be denied non-medical pain relief methods on the NHS, as things stand.

I have found people a bit suprised but not exactly hostile to the idea sorry its been hard for you - i think what helped dh was that i was initially thinking of using a birthing centre, and then we talked about the fact that the need to transfer to hospital/risks etc were practically the same except perhaps that midwives at home would be a bit more precautionary in advising going in (and i intend to follow their advice). i guess your dp's fear is pretty much my main fear, the whole 'what if?' this is the wrong decision - but i feel things could also go wrong in hospital. lets face it, anything can go wrong in our lives any second, and you can't live your life wondering 'what if' I made a different decision - all you can do is inform yourself of the facts and make a call. my due date was saturday, and i have to say i am scared by some of the comments made so far on this thread, but when I look at our decision again with my head and my heart i think it is the right one for us - if that changes I will change my mind and go into hospital.

I think the important issue is that sweetkitty's dp and family are concerned or opposed to her having a home birth. What I was trying to convey was that although it's ultimately her decistion, it's not unreasonable that they are concerned.

And yes dizietzma, I am aware of the clinical conditions of a home birth and no I did not have a high risk pregnancy. In fact I had a totally normal pregnancy and delivery on the natural birth floor of my hospital. I just had a fluke post partum haemmorage. I would not have had a home birth because I was too old and was attempting (and was successful with) a VBAC. But as it turned out my post partum haemmorage was unrelated to it being a VBAC and would probably have happened anyway. I had an absolutely horrific delivery/labor with my first child (I still have awful flashbacks about it) and would have given anything to not have to deliver my second in hospital, but made an educated decision to do so anyway for a variety of reasons. I am by no means opposed to home births, but at the same time I think that it is also very important to take serious heed of the feelings and opinions of your partner and family and be understanding of their concerns.

Well Sofia, PPH is a complication that can be managed almost exactly the same at home as in hospital, as the vial of Syntometrine (the drug given in the event of PPH at home and hospital) in my home birth pack will testify, so it appears to me that you don't actually have any idea what a home birth is like. Well managed home birth in the UK where two midwives complete with equpiment will be present at the birth with most women are mere minutes from hospital in an ambulance is just not as risky as the scaremongerers would have you believe.

If I needed a transfusion I am minutes from a hospital in an ambulance and there is no way that the small delay would kill me- blood transfusions are mostly not a case of squeezing it in as fast as it comes out- the reality is they tend to happen a few hours later when blood test results arrive and anemia is discovered. So no mortal danger arising from circumstance there.

All that differs between home and hospital in the event of PPH is that I could have emergency surgery at hospital (hysterectomy etc), and research has shown that times from a home birth to operating table are actually faster than times from maternity ward to operating table so I'll have the edge in the event of that catastrophe too. Still no chance of death based on venue of birth.

Again, I haven't a detailed history of your birth, but I don't think you would have died at a home birth Sofia. As you were so reluctant to give birth in hospital I can understand that you might want to tell yourself that you would've though.

"take serious heed of the feelings and opinions of your partner and family and be understanding of their concerns."

Certainly, but it is a two way street, no? Ultimately I think a woman is healthiest and safest giving birth where she feels most comfortable, not where fretful relatives would prefer her to be in spite of her wishes. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I generally have a hard time having a poo somewhere I'm not comfortable, never mind giving birth!

"Maybe I'm alone in this, but I generally have a hard time having a poo somewhere I'm not comfortable, never mind giving birth!"

LOL I actually made the same comment to my husband.

The other thing about managing pph at home is that (if crumbly old memory serves me correctly) the midwife brings packs of fluids with her for IV, as well as the syntometrine. I think that's what she said, when she was trying to reassure my husband - it's been a while since we had the conversation.

thanks for all your comments for me the reasons for having a homebirth are that I felt afterwards the experience of being in the hospital somewhat ruined DD's birth experience. Also the fact the midwives got it completely wrong regarding the timings of my labour and just left me in a room to get on with it.

Ideally I would love to have the baby go upstairs have a shower in my very clean shower and have a clean toilet that I know is clean and is only used by our family and lie in sheets that only I have lay in and have DP run after me and make me food I can actually eat! Then actually get some sleep as I won't be woken up every 2 minutes and have some privacy as there won't be someone popping around the curtains every 5 mins asking me if I want baby photos!!!

sweetkitty - have you found Angela Horn's homebirth site. It's really good and reviews all the homebirth evidence and is overwhelmingly in favour of homebirth. There's loads of good research on there which might reassure your hubby.

It's here and is fantastic. I haven't had a chance to read the other replies you've had but hopefully someone already mentioned the site.

Under 5 hours for a first baby is brilliant. Tell your hubby that the chances are you won't make the hospital anyway next time and it's better to have everything you need plus a midwife present at home than having nothing and only him in the car on the way to the hosp - I was a midwife and I know a few Dad's that have caught their babies on the way in to the unit.