I know gender and he doesn't want to know...help!

[MamaMary]

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet but I often read the pregnancy forum.

Before our 20 week scan I always maintained I wanted to find out the sex of our first baby (no preference, just curiosity and impatience and wanting to be able to practically plan/ buy things). My husband always maintained he didn't want to know until the birth.

So, at our scan this week I asked the sonographer and my husband turned away while she mouthed to me: 'Girl'.

Afterwards, I was sure he'd change his mind and want me to tell him. And I am dying to tell him. But he says he'll be really disappointed and annoyed if I tell him. He says that I have a right to know, and he also has a right not to know!

But how can I keep this a secret from now until the birth? I want to decorate the nursery in a feminine way, choose names, etc.

Also, I have a sneaking feeling he wants a boy (though would never say) and I would quite like to prepare him for a girl...

Aaaah - And I want to tell my mum. He says I can, as long as she doesn't tell him either. But this seems weird.

Any thoughts, experiences on this?

why did you think he would change his mind?

you have to keep it a secret - the nursery decorating can wait

IME and IMO it is a magical moment when you find out the sex of the baby at birth - do not take it away from your DH

It is going to be very difficult to keep it from him esp once you start telling third parties. I think you are going to have to tell him. Also bear in mind that scans can e wrong - i know at least two 'girls' who were born with willies.

Oh gosh -the next few months are going to be tricky! I thought they wouldn't tell you unless you were both in agreement.

I suppose you can buy a few things and hide them away but anything else is going to give it away.

Personally I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.

Sorry - not much good with the advice am I? Good luck!

Sounds to me like you're going to have to keep it a secret from him. People who don't want to know until the birth REALLY don't want to know until that point in my experience.

I would therefore leave the shopping for a while. Apart from anything else, you may find that you buy a whole host of things in newborn size only to find that you have a large baby who skips straight to 0-3 months.

Equally, if your Mum lives nearby, you could arrange to leave the gender-obvious baby things there so that your fella can have his surprise.

Thanks - you're right - I know I shouldn't have expected him to change his mind. And I should respect his right to wait for a surprise at the birth. But I'm really excited and it's going to be so hard!!

I know I brought this on myself, but for some reason I never expected the situation would develop.

I don't envy you. You're not only going to have to keep schtum, but it's going to be hard going shopping with him and not veering towards girl things even if it's just Sainsburys. or saying 'her' by mistake. I would never be able to do it, I'd have to go and live on a desert island for the next 20 weeks!

Good luck

I don't think you should tell your mum either. I know that your dh says he doesn't mind but it seems a bit wrong that she should know before him. Also it is so easy to accidently let it slip and then your mum will feel guilty if she puts her foot in it.

Don't worry - my hubby and I chose to find out the sex at our 34 wk scan (I had extra due to being over 35 and consultant led) as DH works in the military and he wasn't sure he was going to be home or contactable when I go into labour and he didn't want everyone knowing if we had a boy or a girl before he did.

We were both convinced it was a boy and you guessed it, its a girl! Hubby had been quite adament that he didn't want a girl, until then, when he went all teary eyed and anounced that it was the best news ever and the only reason he had been so against having a girl was that she would grow up and he wouldn't be able to protect her forever (doubtful that she will be allowed to leave the house until she is 45 mind you!) infact I think I was more shocked than he was and it took a few days for me to get my head around it. So please don't worry about her being a girl as when it comes to it, it really wont matter at all.

Also we chose not to tell anyone (not even parents etc)and didn't want a beigh/neutral room so am now sitting in the nursery which has farmyard and zoo animals everywhere in primary colours and I have to say I'm glad that we didn't go for pink and girly its much more fun if a bit frustrating finding bright colours and we can use them again next time even if its a boy.

I find my biggest problem is trying to refer to the bump as bump in public instead of she or her.

A friend had a problem identifying with her bump and knowing the sex when DP didn't and the MW suggested that they chose a unisex name to refer to bump that they were both happy with such as Jo/Joe or Sam and that seemed to solve the problem they had no slip ups or over compensation of he/she's (child is now 3 and bump name is her middle name)

you should keep it to yourself.
and that means don't tell any friends or relations too.

you can decorate the nursery in yellows and buy neutral toys (maybe farm animals like cuddly ducks and pigs...)(pigs are pink but don't give the game away)

I personally don't want to know the gender, so i can understand where your DH is coming from.

Let him have a surprise when it's born.

I can understand the decorating issue, on a practical level, we went for a warm creamy colour, pleasent on the eye and not a disaster for either gender...

But whatever you do don't tell him! If you do, he might forever feel like that special moment of finding out at the birth was taken from him..

Friends of mine did this twice - she found out, he didn't. She managed to keep it secret the whole way through, arguing as passionately for boys names as girls names. I was seriously impressed.

Bondwife's idea about giving your bump a unisex name would be a big help, I imagine.

You have to respect him and not tell him. Mean to tell him. Just hide the shopping and carry on discussing boy and girl names. Sonographers get it wrong sometimes...

Have you any basis for your thought that he wants a boy?

I think you're husband is very strong! My husband wanted to know with my first and said he could find out and me not so we both found out in the end as I couldn't stand the thought of someone else knowing and not me!

I was glad that I did but we still decorated his room in yellow, with everything matching from Mothercare! We decided to tell everyone which I know is a personal choice.

If he really doesn't mind I think it's fine to tell your mum as long as she can keep it to herself because he has been very clear that he doesn't want to know and you can't take it back once he knows.

I like AllieW's idea of keeping gender specific things at your mum's especially as you may go shopping together anyway. Or if she's not near a close friend you can trust to keep your secret.

There are some lovely neutral clothes and you really only need a few newborn things as you won't know what size your baby will be (my son was only in newborn clothes for 2 weeks), you will get lots of things from others and you and your hubby can then go shopping together for bits once he knows.

Good luck with your secret, I am already refering to mine as he (although I don't know yet) just seems natural as I already had a boy so how you won't say she at some point I don't know!

Tell him to stop being so pigging imature.
I've been openly refering to my baby using his name since 6-7 months of pregnancy.
AS IF you can be expected to 'keep silent' about one of the most exciting things, and being banned from buying baby clothes for your own unborn child, wtf is that?
He's selfish, you should be free to talk about your child and prepare and buy pink things etc etc.

Yetanother- it's just as 'selfish' to force your OH to know when they want the magical moment of finding out surely? I don't think either of them is selfish, they just have different views on this. Both are equally valid.

I would suggest doing what my friend did. She knew and her DH didn't. She used 'Him' and 'Her' when referring to the baby, rather than trying to stick with 'it'. That way, if a 'he' slipped out, it didn't mean anything. She just mixed it up when she remembered. Worked a treat.

So paint the nursery white, hide the pink curtains in the loft and draw up two lists of names.

It's his baby as much as yours and he has an equal right not to know if that's what he wants. Imagine how exciting it will be for him in the delivery room. How is he being selfish?

As for him wanting boy, I defy any man faced with a new born daughter to give it a second thought.

If it was me I would see it as OH missing out on a massive part of the pregnancy, I would feel uterly isolated and frustrated AND like he wasn't interested in really knowing the unborn baby.
I think pregnancy is about the woman and her emotional needs come first during this time.
I'd feel utterly alienated and alone not being able to talk about my unborn fully with my OT of all people!!

how is it missing out?!

i haven;t known the sex of either of my children until i gave birth

i think this thread demonstrates why you either both find out or neither of you do

you can still fully discuss things/enjoy the pregnancy without buying pink or blue babygros

it is not all about what the woman wants - it is about what both parents want and to deny her DH the amazing moment of finding out the sex of his child at the birth would be hugely selfish IMO

Missing out on a massive amount of communication, etc with wife.

If she didn't know eitehr obiously there would be no problem

imagine being guilted into keeping silent about your own baby in your own home FFS

i am missing how he is being guilted into being quiet

The OP said she hoped he would change his mind - why?????

he doesn't want to know

she did and now they are in a pickle

i think it is very presumptuous to assume her husband would change his mind - did he assume she would change hers?

neither of them are wrong or right but as i said this is why i think you should both find out or both not

oh FGS, buy something pink and 'hide' it where he will accidentally find it.
Solved.

i think that would be horrid actually

her husband does not want to know

she should respect that choice

Oh she should 'respect' what he wants.
What about him respecting her freedom of speech and need to talk about her baby (with her bloody husband)?

respect works both ways

the OP thought her husband would change his mind and he didn't

am leaving the thread now as am repeating myself