I know gender and he doesn't want to know...help!

[MamaMary]

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet but I often read the pregnancy forum.

Before our 20 week scan I always maintained I wanted to find out the sex of our first baby (no preference, just curiosity and impatience and wanting to be able to practically plan/ buy things). My husband always maintained he didn't want to know until the birth.

So, at our scan this week I asked the sonographer and my husband turned away while she mouthed to me: 'Girl'.

Afterwards, I was sure he'd change his mind and want me to tell him. And I am dying to tell him. But he says he'll be really disappointed and annoyed if I tell him. He says that I have a right to know, and he also has a right not to know!

But how can I keep this a secret from now until the birth? I want to decorate the nursery in a feminine way, choose names, etc.

Also, I have a sneaking feeling he wants a boy (though would never say) and I would quite like to prepare him for a girl...

Aaaah - And I want to tell my mum. He says I can, as long as she doesn't tell him either. But this seems weird.

Any thoughts, experiences on this?

OP Tell your mum, shout it from the rooftops, it's your baby, your pregnancy, your experience.
You're the one who'll be breaking your back carrying it around for 9 months.
Respect his his options, but you're the mother and should have final say on all things related to your unborn, which is part of your body.
Nevermind his lordship and his 2 minutes of joy.
unless you WANT to keep it secret

Please, please don't let him find out the sex. You wanted to know, you got what you asked, he is asking to not know, you need to respect that. Paint the room when baby is here, she won't be in it at first anyway, and it means you and DP can do it together. WRT clothes - IMO newborns look so much cuter in white and neutral colours.

It's such an amazing thing to find out the sex at the birth, those feelings can't be replaced.

yetanothernickname - are you single?

"it's your baby, your pregnancy, your experience"

Have I missed something? Is it not biologically his baby?

You really shouldn't have found out OP, but now you have you are in a tricky situation.

I didn't find out the sex of either of my DCs and it was very important to me not to. My DH went along with my wishes (even though he would have secretly wanted to know I think).

I don't see how you can go through the next 5 months not saying, so I think you need to have a talk to your DH and explain the pickle you are now in. Unfortunately for your DH, I think you are bound to end up letting it slip - perhaps accidently on purpose!

I can see yetanother's point tbh. I just couldn't keep that secret. I'm good at keeping secrets generally but the pressure of spending half my pregnancy pretending to my very nearest and dearest would simply be too much. I would crack.

It's ok for him - he doesn't have to keep a secret. He doesn't have any knowlege bursting out of him. But for OP it's just too hard.

It's too late now but I would have thrashed this out properly before the scan as I could not live like this. Sorry that's no help at all OP.

PMSL at "freedom of speech"

The OP would be wrong to tell him however she did it. Her feelings are no more important than his. Her telling him makes it so she is happy and can talk about the baby being a girl. But it also will disappoint him and that has to be the deciding factor.

Please don't tell him. It's his baby, too. An yes you are pregnant, but knowing the sex or not won't make the pregnancy easier. Just think how you would feel if the tables were reversed.

The woman is pregnant and if she wants to know the sex, she should. When a woman is pregnant, the bump is always there. When a man is at work, say, the bump is not ever present so usually a woman's life is more consumed with pregnancy than a man's. Therefore the OP has every right to find out.

I understand that the OP's DH has a preference not to find out. However, the person actually carrying the baby does want to find out. He should consider that his wife is bearing the vast majority of the physical and hormonal changes that pg brings and his role at this stage is to support her and look after her - he needs to stop putting himself first otherwise he is in for a shock when the baby comes!

In some situations, parents have equal say:

eg: Equal say in what school the child goes to

In other situations, the woman has the casting vote:

eg: is the baby going to be breastfed or formula fed or both

I would hate to have to live with a man who required me to restrict my discussions about the pregnancy because I knew the sex.

Er, we did this and I rather enjoyed keeping the secret. Perhaps I am weird.

I had no desire to buy pink things, though, although I did get some pink and green sheets and DH barely noticed, frankly. He's a man.

Well said Yellow circle =)

I dont know the sex of our baby yet but I know that when and if I find out I will be keeping it to myself. My DH does not want to know. I know that it might be hard to keep it to myself and not slip up but this is his baby too and he has a right to some say in this pregnancy. I know I am the one with the morning sickness etc but he is the one doing everything possible to make life easier for me. Also he is a grown man and my partner. Respecting him means not hoping I can manipulate him into changing his mind and doing things my way. The op knew her partners feelings before hand. If the shoe were on the other foot?? I dont think your DH is being selfish or 'putting himself first'! I bet if you went to him this evening in tears saying you hated knowing and not sharing it with him he would rather you tell him than have you distressed. But that would be another form of manipulation. you knew the score! I personally will probably make a game out of it and enjoy watching him trying to read me a little. I have also picked a best pal to tell and will store stuff with her.

My DH wanted to find out and I didn't, so we asked the sonographer to write the sex down so if we wanted to find out at a later stage we could. I hid the envelope knowing DH woulnd't be able to contain himself.

He lasted 3 weeks before begging to open the envelope. We talked about it and neither of us found it weird if he knew and I didn't so he opened it. It actually really helped his bodning with our unborn baby, he went out shopping for clothes in the sales actually buying primary colours all gender nuetral apart from one boy outfit.

He lasted 2 weeks before it slipped out totally by accident, and he was so upset. I'd expected to be disappointed by knowing before seeing my baby but was so thrilled to be sharin this new knowledge with DH. We ended up not telling anyone we know, so as not to spoil the surprise for others.

We were never going to paint the nursery blue or pink anyway so that part of it didn't impact at all.

Do your best not to tell him, absolutely your best. I'd have been very upset if DH had told me on purpose. But he has to appreciate you might slip it out by accident.

Thanks for your posts - the consensus is not to tell him and I will do my best not to. I do not feel DH is being selfish - throughout the pregnancy so far he has been extremely supportive.

Nice to know others have done this and it's possible. I'm still glad I found out as I feel I am bonding more with the baby. But I also understand and respect people's decisions not to find out.

You've got to try your best not to tell him. Finding out at birth by looking yourself is a beautiful magical moment. Don't spoil it for him....just because you didn't want to experience this doesn't mean he shouldn't. It's his baby too I completely disagree with people saying he's selfish and should respect your wishes. You knew his views from the start and while you are carring the baby, it's still 50% his, so don't wreck his big moment...