Should we have a baby?

[greenscarf]

Ok ok ok... I know many of you will be getting ready to tell me that only we can decide, but it would be nice to know what you think anyway!

I am 24 and have been with my DH for 5 years now. He is 10 years older than me and we have a fantastic relationship. I am finishing my MA in the summer and have never worked before. DH has a very good job.

I have been thinking about having a baby for a while now and in the last few weeks spent hours surfing mumsnet ! DH would also like a baby, all his friends are having babies now. He does not pressure me, but I know he is keen.

I don't know whether it's too early, whether I should experience working before, whether I'm going crazy...

None of my friends are thinking about babies. Most of them have never even had a serious relationship. Some of them have never even had sex!!!

Anyway... let me know what you think!

Thanks!!!

You sound ready to me. If you are both keen then why wait?

Ok, having also not yet had a baby, I'm going to throw my tuppence worth in by saying if you've worked all those years for an MA, then you should do SOMETHING with it, even if only for 2 years or so. You're still young, so what's the rush?

I definitely think you should experience being YOU, not someone's daughter/wife/a student, if you see what I mean, before you become someone's mum.

Bear in mind if your DH has a very good job, and you're a perpetual student (jealous, not judging!), then you become homemaker/mum, the balance of power in your relationship can also get a bit strained. It's good for him to see that you're talented/capable/sought after in some other arena! And to get into a routine of sharing responsibilities rather than passing them to you by default because you're at home.

Just my thoughts!

I think a lot of it depends on whether you have a craving for a career, or if children has been in your life plan since you were a child.

Most of my friends are in their early thirties, so have had a few years to build up their careers, do work-related stuff that interests them, travel etc etc. So they no longer have that 'hunger' to do that sort of thing for themselves, and are generally happy for their careers to take a back seat for a few years while they raise their families. Most work part time, so aren't deserting the workplace altogether.

A couple of my friends are younger, mid twenties. One went back to work when her baby was quite young, and the other had another baby within 2 years. The one with 2 kids definitely has a hankering to return to work, and I get the impression she feels a bit unfulfilled compared to us slightly older mothers.

So I guess I would say, if your career is important to you, concentrate on that for a couple of years to get it to a point where you can comfortably take a break without resenting being a mother. If you were born to be a mum, then go for it sooner!

Part of me thinks if you have a baby and stay at home now, before you work, you won't be used to having money then not. I gave up work when I was 9 weeks pregnant with DC1 so we have always only had DH's salary to live on since becoming pregnant.

Think about why you did your MA, what you wanted to use it for, what job you imagined you doing.

You also need to discuss how the dynamics at home will work in terms of housework, money, etc.

If you want to do it you should do it. There are lots of advantages to having your children in your twenties.

I was in my 30s and had the career before I had ds but I didn't feel the way you do at 24 (oh yeah, and also wouldn't meet dh for another 4 years).

I'd do it.

I always wanted a large family, and I left it too late. I had my first at 29, 2nd at 32, and by the time I started thinking about number 3, we had trouble conceiving. It's taken 8 years and a lot of heartache and expense to get anywhere near that dream.

If I could go back, I'd have the first by 25 even if my situation hadn't been 100% ideal (and it sounds like your situation is very good). The years have a habit of ticking on without you noticing.

I don't think anyone ever feels 100% sure, by the way, I think mostly people get to a point like you are when you think you could possibly do it, and take the plunge.

I had my dd in my 20s. My DH has always been supportive and I have never felt taken for granted. I also have never felt like i've wasted my degree.

Thank you all very much for your messages so far!!!!

I first learnt about Mumsnet reading the newspaper and I thought they were extremely critical of the people here, saying they could be quite vicious and so on... I am so pleasantly surprised to find out that there is nothing further from the truth. You all seem to me like very nice people who are only trying to help fellow mothers-parents!!!

Now, going back to my initial post:

-I am not ambitious about my career. In fact I have no idea what I would like to do! This makes me quite anxious when I think about it. I am in contact with quite a few new mothers and I worry that if I work hard to find a job that I really like, it will then be really difficult to give it up and become a mother. In other words, I feel it is going to be difficult for me to find something I like, I have been really disappointed in the past with jobs (when I said I'd never worked, I meant "proper" jobs) and really don't even know where to start looking once I graduate.

-I also worry that maybe because I do not know what to do, i default to the 'having a baby option'.

-I do worry that I will never feel I was economically independent, and that this might affect my confidence. So, sometimes I think I should force myself to work for 2 years or so and then go for it. But then I think Ive kind of already forced myself to study all these years and I was never that passionate about it... so do I really want to force myself to keep doing things that 'society' expects me to do and keep putting off things that I really dream of?

-I also feel sometimes that I worry too much about myself, that I am constantly looking at my own belly button, and I am quite tired of it. It doesnt make much sense, but I feel I'd quite like to forget about all my selfish worries and have something worth worrying about.

-I adore my DH and cannot wait to see our little babies, half him-half me and to see him as a father!!! (HOW CHEESY!!!)

-I worry that he will get too old to have babies, not phisically (alhought that too) but that he will become too overprotective, etc..

-I worry that PIL will be too old if I wait too long (they are in their 70's).

I am sorry to just unload all my worries here and thanks so much for reading and commenting!!!!

Don't have a baby as an 'easy option' instead of working. Only do it because you absolutely want and are ready to be a mother. Motherhood is lovely, but it is hard work. If you've never actually experienced hard work, it might come as a bit of shock!

All the rest of it is irrelevant, really.

Good luck!

honestly, i would wait a year or two

there is no hurry - you should enjoy being a couple, doing spontaneous things and having long lie ins, reading books, travelling etc

once you are a parent- there is no going back.

i love being a mum and dont regret having my children at all. but there are times when i think i would just love to be able to go out with OH and be us without having to sort baby sitters and check how the dcs are and eventually go back to reality.

if i was you i would treasure this precious time and learn who you really are. find out if you want to use your MA or not. you can always have a baby in a few years but onec you have a baby you are always mum first.

Personally i think you know the answer - you sound to me like you want the babies option!

Don't worry about what people will say or what you think you should do, go with your heart!

Good luck, it's very exciting xxx

Personally i think you know the answer - you sound to me like you want the babies option!

Don't worry about what people will say or what you think you should do, go with your heart!

Good luck, it's very exciting xxx

I think you should go for it now. In a few years you can enter the workforce having brought up your kid(s) without having to pay for childcare (if you want to stay at home, that is) adn will still be young. I agree with Fab, that it might be better now while you are used to the one income only.
But yes, you need to be in agreement about longer term plans - when do you want to enter workforce, how will childcare work, how will finances work, etc.

I think it depends on what you see your longer term working plans are. No point in working for 2 years for the sake of it - if you see yourself as a SAHM then go for it.

But if you want to qualify in something vocational that you have come back to later then a good idea to do it now and wait a bit.

Just to add another angle to the thread - if you have the baby now then you won't necessarily be entitled to maternity allowance.Its not a huge amount (depends on your perspective though - I've been living off OH since giving up work last summer so anything is so so helpful!).

I went to uni and did both and undergraduate and masters degree, met my hubbie who is 8yrs older than me. We waited til we were in the best position to have a family (near close relatives, stable job etc). I was desperate to start a family a good year before we started trying but very glad we waited.

Good luck in whatever you decide - its very exciting!

I was going to tell you to wait a year or two, get a first "proper job," feel the water, and then when you go back to work you'll have a better idea of what to do with your career.

But I think you already know what you want to do And I have a feeling that all you want is some reassurance (which is fine, by the way).

I'm having my first one now, and I'm 31. I'm happy I waited, and I think I'll be a more sensible and mature mother than I would have been a few years ago. But everybody is different.

In my opinion, you sound like a sensible person, so I think either way you'll be making a sensible decision.

I sometimes think society has gone a little crazy encouraging women to wait until their 30s to have children
You sound ready to have children, I wish I could have been a younger mother

There's nothing to stop you saying that in x number of years, when your children are x years old, you will start working. There are lots of ways in, lots of different jobs and training on offer (teaching for example). You are young enough to do it that way round too.

If you then have children and don't feel you want to wait until x years, or get to x years and don't want to start a career yet, that's fine too. The important thing is to talk to\ your DH about your options, your choices. Then you'll know you'll have his support in the future.

There are so many things to discuss before a baby is born, both baby things (feeding/sleeping/responding to crying) and longer term things, including careers.

Also it might be worth looking for some work, getting pregnant doesn't necessarily happen straight away and having another focus in your life (and the possibility of maternity pay) might be a good idea.

As someone said earlier, you sound sensible. Whatever you decide, stick around on mumsnet - there are plenty here without children yet (and not even trying to have one!)

I had my first at 25 (just). He was an accident but I haven't looked back. I'm now expecting no3 just after my 29th birthday.

Just last night I was dicussing with DH how in many ways this way round is so much better for us. I was applying for jobs in the city when I fell pregnant and now I can't believe I wanted to do that! I have no urge to go back to work. Now I want to retrain as an educational psychologist which I can do around the children. I keep thinking I'll be 50 when this baby (def my last) is 21.

I also feel that we haven't given anything up IYSWIM. When I look at the lives my NCT friends (all in their mid 30s) had pre-children with expensive holidays and lots of freedom. I also know of at least one who spend a lot of energy building up a career and just as she got there she gave it up because she couldn't reconcile it with her family.

If you are financially stable and happy then I think you should go for it. We go round the money thing by having a joint account and both having the same amount in allowance. DH has once talked about his money but I don't think he will again or else we won't be needing that vasectomy!

I would think that having a job for just a couple of years might be a waste of time, because having children often changes you and your ideas on what you want to do. Especially if you have no idea now, I think that as your children grow up something may well emerge.

Two of my friends, one of whom worked in a bank pre-children, and one of whom was an air hostess, are both now working in schools/ preschools. Neither of them would have gone for that sort of job before children. I've also, with my girls, ended up doing lots of volunteer chaperone work, and I think that when they are grown up, I will probably get paid chaperone work. That's something that would never have crossed my mind before children.

So, I'd go with the baby now and let your ideas on work develop over the years. I get the feeling this is your preference, really . I can't see the point in doing it the other way round. I particularly think, as your OH is 10 years older than you, that now would be good. Babies and children are tiring and if he is keen now and has the energy, why not?

Good luck whatever you decide. Let us know either way!

IMHO go for it now when you are in your 20s - you are lucky you haven't begun a career yet so you have nothing to lose. You can always start from scratch, or go into employment with your MA when your DC are at school. It's not the end of the world. I do think it's a bit daft to get onto the career ladder and get far up in 3-5 years, and then go 'oh now I want to have babies' because then you've wasted all that time developing your career only to have to go 10 steps back (IMO).

I had my first at 24 and now pg again at 27 with baby no2. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'll join the workforce again when DC are in school and more independent. If you are able to go down this route, go for it I say!

I had DS at 24 just after finishing my masters

I am now 28, have a full time academic job, a PhD, DD (18 months) and am 4 months pregnant.

Ok so I am very very very very very tired . I have had to work really hard to balance things, worry about money, giving everyone enough time. But I really wanted children and I wanted them then. Just like each time I wanted another baby I wanted to get pregnant then not in a few years time when on paper it would have been 'right'.

I too started browsing forums (but it was another one, oh the shame ). I even researched birth options, phoned a nursery to see how much child care was and looked at maternity clothes . I am a tad, um, control freakish.

It is certainly not the easy way especially when you are young and your friends are not at the same stage as you. I was lucky that I knew what career I wanted, how to get there and was good at what I did. I chose an academic job because of the flexible hours and despite being full time never had to put the DC's in nursery full time. They are more than happy, bouncy , fulfilled little things.

I guess you need to decide whether you want a career and what in, whether you want to be aa stay at home mum, whether you would mind putting your children in nursery etc.

I really wouldnt wish it any other way - friends have what seems on the surface anyway much simpler lives (no children, low outgoings, go clubbing still etc) but I have my children and nothing beats that.

I would say that 24 is not really that young to have a baby! I was pregnant at 24 and had my son at 25, my husband has a son from a previous relationship who we both missed so much when he went back to his mum. I craved a baby very badly and was miserable without one.

My husband is 15 years older than me but we have the same feelings about wanting children. If you are both ready and want a baby what is there to stop you?

You will never know how you will feel once the baby is here and whether you will want to go back to work or not. I know a lot of people who have put off having children because of a career and regretted it. You will not be loosing lots of effort you have put into building a career but can start building it once your children are older.

I finished my degree (which I studied over 5 years part-time) in 2005 and was pregnant a year later. I returned to work when my son was 6 months old and I hated every second away from him. I couldn't afford not to work so I am now a childminder, so I can be at home with my little man. I'm not sure I will ever go back to Science and am seriously considering a career with small children once mine are older. My mum feels that I have wasted my time with my degree but no-one can ever take it away and it is helping me with training that I am now doing to work with children. Who knows I may change my mind and go back to it after all.

I can see what others are saying about living more of your life before being someone's mum but you know if you feel you have done enough already so you don't resent your children or feel you've missed out. I left home at 18 and did a lot of things in the 6 years before I got pregnant.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Whatever it is don't ever regret it, just enjoy your children when they come along!

Thank you so much everyone!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences, it means so much to me!

I (obviously) still have not decided, but will definately let you know.

It is very very comforting knowing that I am not the only one who has gone through this!!!

Good luck to all of you!!!