Heart breaking for DD1 - how to prepare?

[roary]

I am sure that this has been thoroughly covered but I am feeling increasingly sad for my poor DD, who is about to have her little world blown apart by the arrival of her brother! (I am 36 weeks; she is 2 next week). I know I shouldn't feel so bad but honestly, my heart just breaks for her thinking about it.

My MIL unintentionally made it worse by pointing out that it is like bringing home a new husband, telling your old one that you will be kissing, cuddling and cooing over the new one and that the new one will get to sleep in your room BUT THAT HE WILL GET OVER IT! Obviously babies are not husbands (although occasionally there are substantial overlaps, hee hee). But this just made me feel even sadder.

Anyway, any really sterling, non-obvious tips about this? And reassurance that I am not being a completely hormonal sap?

We've already talked to her about baby brother, and I will start talking to her soon (i think) about the fact that I have to go away to have him come. We've done quite a lot of discussion about the fact that babies don't do much. And what she will and won't be able to do with him.

lots of presents for dd from ds.
it won't be that bad.

my ds1 adores ds2.
the first week or so he was unsure, the presents came in handy!

FFS - get a grip - totally normal for a 2 year old to be faced with new baby. Its not like getting a new husband - show her that her friends have little babies too. It will not be heart breaking. Please snap out of your current attitude and look on it as a really positive thing for her - eg a best friend for life.

My DD was 2.5 when my DS was born. We bought her a baby Annabelle from the baby which she loved, and also lots of new DVDs which she could watch when I was feeding.

We made a big fuss on her being a big sister now, eg bought her big sister t-shirt, and let her have as many cuddles as possible. Also whenever anyone else was prepared to cuddle the baby I let them so I could do stuff with her. And I let her choose all the special things she wanted to do with me. When my DH took time off for paternity leave he took her on special big girl day out trips while I stayed at home with the baby.

Anyway, she loved her DS from the minute she saw him, there has never been any jealousy and they are best friends.

It doesnt have to be heartbreaking, she is getting a brother.

Refering to the baby as her brother rather than your baby might help. Also, as previouly mentioned, lots of presents.

I would be matter of fact rather than seeming as if you expect it to be traumatising.

Good luck, it will probably be a lot better than you are expecting.

please don't project onto her

it is a wonderful thing and your DD will be ok

DS got a present from "DD" when she was born - he was totally nonplussed by her arrival altho' his behaviour did dip initially but is now fine

for the most part he ignores her (in a nice way)

he kisses and cuddles her and then he gets on with his own stuff

in the early days, when feeds took an age i would make sure DS had drinks, a snack and something to watch on TV whilst i fed - this was a good tip from MN

also a basket of toys which only come out when feeding

get a sling so you can do stuff with your older child whilst the baby sleeps/feeds

Aww

First thing that struck me about your post (and please feel free to tell me to bog off if you disagree, just my interpretation ) is whether you can shift the focus from a baby brother being heartbreaking to it being a bonus - something good and exciting. That she'll be gaining something (a little brother to bully love ) rather than losing you.

My dd was about 21 months when ds arrived. I followed the advice given to me by my health visitor which was basically to involved her as much as possible and it really seemed to help. Ie, I put the changing mat on the floor instead of a changing table, so when changing ds' nappies, I sat cross-legged on the floor, she sat in my lap and then she could see what was going on (or I'd ask her to fetch me a nappy etc, stuff to make her feel like she was part of it.) I bf ds, when bf-ing, used to have a few children's books on the sofa arm, so that if dd wanted to, she could snuggle up next to me with a book (she would hold it) and we'd just just talk about the picture / stories etc (she wasn't very good at turning each page for me to read that actual story to her).

It took a little while, but she was (and still is!) very proud of him - would tell everyone we walked past in the street his name, point to him and say he was her little brother.

And I disagree with what your MIL said - you don't stop cuddling and kissing your toddler when you bring home a newborn (if anything, I kissed and cuddled her more as was probably overly-conscious!)

But I sympathise with you worrying about it - I was exactly the same before ds arrived and honestly, it took a bit of adjusting, but I was worrying far more than I needed to in retrospect!

Have to agree with MumNWLOndon, I think you have to change your attitude. My DD is 2.1 and will be 2.2 or 2.3 when the baby brother arrives. She helped me build his cot, and helped put the little vests in the drawers, she's really excited and can't wait to meet him. She keeps yelling HELLO! at the bump since I told him he could hear her in my tummy.
It is not at all like dumping one husband for a new one! I think that's a totally totally stupid thing for your MIL to say. Did she say it to your DD?
Stop feeling sorry and sad for your daughter, and be excited and happy for her and her new brother!
Sorry to be harsh, but mend your heart and get on with it. Your heart and your lap will be big enough for both of them .

Took me so long to type i cross-posted - but agree with the previous posters

Thanks everyone - I am being completely matter of fact with her, I think it was the husband analogy that tipped me over the edge - no doubt feeling a bit fragile myself about impending arrival AND have horrible cold AND seemed to have returned to morning sickness at 36 weeks. I am not normally such a fragile flower and neither is DD! I am sure it will be fine, I just needed to hear something sensible. ANd probably need to eat a biscuit. Or ten.

And sensible advice along the lines of what you're offering really helps, we've been doing the standard stuff but actually haven't really been thinking of the reality of it (until that damned husband analogy arrived) B

Also, just so you all know, I am not moaning about it to DD! She sings brother songs, and has helped him choose names, and when she gets her cream rubbed on her after the bath she rubs my tummy so brother can have some! So she's definitely excited. It's just how I am feeling, probably a variant of the "how do I know I will love second child as much" syndrome.

Your OP reminded me of just how I felt before the birth of DS (now 4m). I felt like I was betraying my DD. But I think that a lot of it is down to hormones and being terrified of what will happen next.

The good advice the midwife gave us was to make sure the baby was in its bouncer or cot not my arms the first time my daughter saw it. That way it was everybody's baby, not just Mummy's baby.

My daughter has been so affectionate towards her brother it's fantastic. In fact it makes me a luttle sad that I am an only child and missed out on this experience. She was a little shit challenging with us after the birth - lots of typical toddler stuff - but since Xmas all is much calmer.

Good luck - you will all survive and hopefully come through smiling!

I agree with Ruby, I think you are projecting too much here.

It is difficult to tell what the reaction of the first born will be, they vary so much... each parent will have a different story.
She might be feeling jealous first thing... or she might be overjoyed. She might ignore her brother for a while or she might want to cuddle.
By all means acknowledge her feelings when her baby brother arrives, that helps. Having a sibling is def not comparable to bringing home new husband!!!

this book is lovely

to cuddle him all the time

I wouldn't be "matter of fact" with her. I would tell her that it is going to be amazingly exciting!

My DS is 4 and my DD is 2. My DD would be absolutely thrilled with a little sibling although I have finished having kids. My DS was very happy with DD when she was born. They love eachother so much and are so happy together.

Heartbreaking/sad is totally the wrong sort of word to use in this situation. These are very happy times for both you and your DD and you need to change your own attitude towards it otherwise your DD may pick up on it.

Aww, roary, I bet you're just worrying because you're feeling rubbish and MIL has put doubts into your head. Sounds like you are doing lots of positive things! So cute that your DD is rubbing cream on your tummy/her brother.
Here are some biscuits for you:
hope they help

yellowcircle - when I said about being matter of fact I was thinking about the practical aspects - eg the op had mentioned that she would have to go away in order for the baby to come. I felt that it is better to address that in a matter of fact, this is what is going to happen sort of way, rather than giving the child the expectation that the hopital bit is likely to be traumatic for them.

You're DD's world is going to change, but you're giving her the best gift you could possibly ever give her. You're giving her a sibling. Someone who will be there for you when she is older and when you and your OH have gone.

oh - and give her tasks

so, "you can help me change the baby's nappy" (ie ask her to get the wipes for you)

or, can you get me a towel/toy etc

forgive me, but i thought this was going to be a post about a bereavement or something

your DD will be thrilled and cross in equal measure with the new arrival

hearbroken and having her world blown apart are over the top adult projections

just carry on as normal and it will become normal

and make sure the baby brings DD a present ! that helps

I thought the same as you intially thought lulu

I thought it was going to be a bereavement! It would never have occurred to me that it would be heartbreaking! I just treated matter of factly as a cause for celebration from the start. It is nothing like a new husband! It seems to be saying that a mother only has 'so much'love that loving another DC takes some of it. Another baby doesn't take anything away from DC1. You have to be a bit careful about jealousy, but take precautions of the present from the baby and make sure she still has time on her own with you.

Some more practical tips;

-Whether or not you do a gift from the baby to your dd when he arrives, make sure to have some small wrapped gifts for her (magazine, sweeties, just small stuff) so that if someone comes round for a gift for the baby in front of her, she gets something to open at the same time.

-Talk about what an important job being a big sister is, and how the baby is going to become her best friend.

-When you get out the baby equipment and clothes, talk about (and show her pics where available) when she used to be a baby using those thing, and how now she's moved on to having big sister things like a trike. HOWEVER, try not to pass things directly from her to the new baby... put a cot away in the loft for a few months after getting her into a bed, for example.

-Show her photos of her feeding, and talk about the baby being fed.

-Don't get stressed if she just doesn't seem massively interested. Some of my DC's reactions to a new baby has been to be completely underwhelmed! Not upset or miffed, just not finding the whole thing as exciting as bob the builder or whatever their obsession at the time!

I wonder if you don't have siblings, or have a poor relationship with a sibling? Just seems a strange thing to describe as heartbreaking. My siblings are my best friends, and I fully expect the same to happen for my DC.

I agree I thought this was going to be a post about bereavment of some sort, hence somewhat taken aback that it was about a little brother for a two year old.

Probably not much you can say to your MIL but it was totally thoughtless thing to say, a really stupid analogy - I heard it too when I was expecting DS, and I remember saying to DH - what a stupid analogy as DD had lots of friends with siblings but I don't have lots of friends with 2 (concurrent) husbands.

Some good books I'm reading atm with lots of tips:

And Baby Makes Four by Hilory Wagner
Your 2nd Pregnancy by Katie Tamony
From One Child to Two by Judy Dunn

We're hoping to do the present exchange thing and are preparing DD1 as much as possible beforehand with story books and so on.