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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Heart breaking for DD1 - how to prepare?

48 replies

roary · 03/03/2010 16:15

I am sure that this has been thoroughly covered but I am feeling increasingly sad for my poor DD, who is about to have her little world blown apart by the arrival of her brother! (I am 36 weeks; she is 2 next week). I know I shouldn't feel so bad but honestly, my heart just breaks for her thinking about it.

My MIL unintentionally made it worse by pointing out that it is like bringing home a new husband, telling your old one that you will be kissing, cuddling and cooing over the new one and that the new one will get to sleep in your room BUT THAT HE WILL GET OVER IT! Obviously babies are not husbands (although occasionally there are substantial overlaps, hee hee). But this just made me feel even sadder.

Anyway, any really sterling, non-obvious tips about this? And reassurance that I am not being a completely hormonal sap?

We've already talked to her about baby brother, and I will start talking to her soon (i think) about the fact that I have to go away to have him come. We've done quite a lot of discussion about the fact that babies don't do much. And what she will and won't be able to do with him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pandora69 · 03/03/2010 18:49

My DD is 2.7, and will be 3.1 when my baby arrives. This week we broached the subject of getting a new baby. I asked her if she thought we should get a new baby like her aunty has just got, and she went 'oooh, yes please!' So then we discussed how babies are so small when you first get them that they have to live in mummy's tummy till they are big enough to come out. She has taken to lifting my tops and shouting 'Baaaayyy-beeeee, come ooouuuuut!' at my tummy .

I don't think she sees it as a bad thing at all. We are making sure she is counted in on all the excitement so she gets excited too, and once the baby is here we'll keep her involved.

TulipsInTheRain · 03/03/2010 18:54

Never underestimate a childs capacity to love and their ability to see the benefits of a situation

dd was 18 months when i had ds1 and as soon as we came home from hospital she ran over and gave him a big kiss.... they've been as thick as thieves since

ds2 was born when dd was 4 and ds1 was 2.5 and they were delighted with him... they were upset when we had to stay in hospital as he was in SCBU and cross that they couldn't meet him right away but from the moment he came home they've doted on him... he's 12 months now and they adore him, even when he snatchs toys they turn the other cheek and rarely get upset with him.

TwinkFlutterby · 03/03/2010 18:54

Cripes, I thought it was going to be bereavement too. Your age gap will be the same as ours and yes, it can be tricky. But there are lots of good suggestions here to make it easier, and it will be fine. It may be different having a girl first (I had a boy first), but I found that DS barely even acknowledged DD's presence for ages (he does now, though. Not necessarily a good thing!)

Above all, the thing for you to remember is that siblings are great, even if you don't think so when you're a child!

Northernlurker · 03/03/2010 19:00

Your mil sounds like a loon and yes you are being run ragged by your hormones here. Lots of good advice in this thread - take it and look forward to your addition to the family. It's more love coming in - not less to go round. (And next time mil offers advice tell her to get stuffed)

MumNWLondon · 03/03/2010 19:49

my dd also got excited when ds grew out of his newborn clothes as it meant new outfits for her dolly.

also i tried not to make a point of the baby sleeping in our room - he had his own room where he had his daytime sleeps - not sure that she really noticed?

the one mistake we made was moving her out of her cot for DS. i had ditched the pram as soon as i knew i was pregnant and just used a maclaren buggy instead so she had forgotten it was her pram, but she was very sad that she had to give up the cot.

ReneRusso · 03/03/2010 19:55

I must confess, like others I clicked on this thread thinking you had suffered a late miscarriage. Glad that is not the case. It is inevitably going to turn her world upside down, but acknowledge her feelings as much as is possible with a 2 year old, and try to spend a bit of special time with her even when the baby comes. Make sure she knows she's still your very special little girl. And don't worry so much. It will be fine.

Undercovamutha · 03/03/2010 19:59

Its funny I should see this, as I was just saying goodnight to my two DCs (3.5yo DD and 11mo DS) and thinking to myself how I had thought it would be so hard to love 2 DCs equally. But it turns out it is EASY and there is more than enough love to go round!

There will be times when you will feel a bit torn time-wise, but if anything I found that my DD almost got more attention if anything, cos everytime DS went for a nap I used 100% of my attention on DD! And when your DS gets old enough (6-9mo) to start playing with your DD, you will find yourself looking at them thinking what a wonderful gift it is for them to have each other.

[soppy emoticon]

cory · 03/03/2010 20:03

Another thing we did- apart from big gift from baby to dd- was to let her buy a (much smaller) gift to the baby, so she got to feel nice and generous too. Though dd was older (3.6) so maybe more into gift giving.

Dd was a little jealous and difficult when ds was new. But looking back at all the good times they've had together since, that just recedes into the distance. They are now 9 and 13 and great company for each other.

Apparently, I nearly murdered my little brother hitting him over the head with a santa doll (santa never recovered, db did). But I think he is great to have around now.

bexxaa · 03/03/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bonsoir · 03/03/2010 20:15

IME, children are delighted to have siblings - nothing like being displaced by a new spouse.

DP and I were looking at old photos the other day and especially some of DSS1 with DD, a couple of days after they had met for the first time. DSS1 looked so thrilled! He has always been thrilled with his little sister.

Original poster

roary · 03/03/2010 20:37

FIrst of all that'll teach me to be overdramatic on mumsnet!

THanks for all your helpful advice. I have been pondering why the dramatics...my brother and I are three years apart and very close, but actually...I blame the MIL. My dh and his sisters have always been fiendishly competitive, they are all two years apart, there are dozens of family stories about them bashing each other about and insisting the baby get sent back! They are still horribly competitive and I should have thought about the source of that husband analogy before I let it upset me (she, and they, are lovely, really, but in my family there are no family stories of sibling jealousy!)

SO thanks for your sage advice, ladies. Have managed to keep some supper down and feeling better.

MumNWLondon: COncurrent husbands could be useful, especially if the second one were a neat freak who loved cleaning.

OP posts:

Gipfeli · 04/03/2010 08:55

I have a similar age gap between ds and dd as you will have with yours. When ds was 4 he said to me once,
"dd is much luckier than me. When she was born she had you two and me to play with. I only had you and Papa"

He definitely sees having a sister as a big advantage.

frakkinaround · 04/03/2010 09:10

I think there's a lot about family attitude but also about the child. If your DD is excited about the baby coming it'll be fine.

I, on the other hand, was 4 and felt displaced despite my parent's best efforts because I was just at a very selfish stage! I didn't want a baby sister or brother (my mother made the mistake of asking me when I was 3.6 and I told her so!) which I think made the whole process a lot more difficult....

tabbycat7 · 04/03/2010 09:12

MILs have a habit sometimes of being totally tactless. Mine told me that I'd made DS1 think I didn't love him any more after I'd had DS2! Of course it was total rubbish but in my deranged state I was very upset by it. Your daughter will probably fine. How about refering to baby as "her baby"? There is just about 2 years between each of my DSes and they were just fine when the younger ones arrived.

MmeLindt · 04/03/2010 09:17

Glad that you are feeling more positive.

My DD is 2 years older than her brother and she adores him, has from the moment he was born.

When the midwife was bathing DS for the first time he screamed and DD came rushing up the stairs like an avenging angel to protect her baby brother from the nasty midwife. Was very funny and sweet.

They are now 5yo and 7yo and still get on great, no sibling rivalry at all.

Bettymum · 04/03/2010 09:50

Some really sweet stories on here .
roary, I sometimes fantasise about swapping DH for another one who was a neat freak and liked cleaning. But he'd probably be totally boring .

notnowbernard · 04/03/2010 10:04

I sort of know what OP means

I remember looking at 2.6 yr old dd thinking "This is going to rock your little world!"

And it did (for a while)

Some siblings take the new arrival on the chin, others go a bit peculiar for a while DD1 certainly reacted (mainly in a positive way, but there were definitely some behaviour changes for a bit)

The family does need to adjust a bit. I remember reading on MN a description af a family sitting on a bench. All are comfortable and familiar with their position . But then a new baby arrives and everyone has to shove along a place to accomodate the new arrival - having to get used to a 'new place' on the bench. It's different for a while - but doesn't take long to get used to it

Good luck OP

SoupDragon · 04/03/2010 10:05

"My MIL unintentionally made it worse by pointing out that it is like bringing home a new husband, telling your old one that you will be kissing, cuddling and cooing over the new one and that the new one will get to sleep in your room BUT THAT HE WILL GET OVER IT!"

FFS it's nothing like that, your MIL is a loon. Your DD is 2 she will be fine.

I do remember looking at a faintly bewildered DS1 (he was 2) when we brought DS2 home and thinking "WTF have we done to him?" but soon realised that a brother was one of the best presents we'd ever given him.

notnowbernard · 04/03/2010 10:09

Agree your MIL's comment is slightly OTT

Vivia · 04/03/2010 15:05

WTF? When I read your thread title I thought your DD was going through a miscarriage or other problem pregnancy.

Don't you know how lucky you are? Your heart is breaking for your DD? I hope you never know the pain of real heartbreak for your children.

Fuck's sake.

LIZS · 04/03/2010 15:10

You're overthinking it and the more you show it, the worse it will be for her and then you again. Focus on the positives.

ReneRusso · 04/03/2010 15:51

Vivia, OP has come back and admitted she was being overdramatic, so no need to flame her.

notnowbernard · 04/03/2010 20:02

Calm down, Vivia

Slight overreaction on your part there I think

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