PLEASE tell me this gets better

[symone]

Hi there,

I am nearly 37 years old and 8 weeks pregnant for the first time. To say the whole experience so far has been NOTHING like I imagined it is a bit of an understatement.

I feel guilty and actually a bit ashamed whingeing about what is essentially a gift and a privelege- I know women my age who would kill to be in my situation- but I'm really really struggling, even though I have always wanted a child. I feel depressed, anxious, insecure, vulnerable, constantly sick and cry every day. I feel insecure and too needy with my partner (he doesn't live with me) and can't face being around my friends.

I have been told, and have read on these forums that many women feel like this during pregnancy due to hormones and the whole life chaging aspect of it. What I need to know is are there people out there who felt really low at first- to the point of doubting if they were even doing the right thing- who then got better? Who went on to have healthy and HAPPY pregnancies and births? Because I am now terrified of post natal depression as the shock of feeling so bad already is hitting me very hard and I can't bear the thought of being like this in the later stages and after the birth.

Sorry to go on, just really need to hear from women who've been where I am.

Many thanks for reading this.

Didn't want to read and run. Although i was 30 when i got unexpectedly pg, i also worried in the ealy weeks.

Not so much about doing the wrong thing (i think you may be referring to your situation with your partner there?) But with worried about the health of the baby. I found it distressing that after going to GP at about 5 weeks pg they didn't do any sort of confirmatory test and then there was virtually no more contact for what seemed like a very long time (10 week booking in appt). It was like "yes, very good, now go away and come back when you're really pregnant, properly, when we can hear a heartbeat. Until then you're on your own."

But yes, i then had a perfectly healthy pg and fabulously lovely baby. Your worries right now signify nothing more than being caring and responsible. Chin up. You'll be fine.

Yes, I felt like that for the first half of my first pregnancy. Terrified, anxious, irrational, needy, hormonal mess. Very sick, and couldn't stop worrying about everything and anything. I often thought the whole thing was a terrible idea. It eased off as the pregnancy progressed, felt great after the birth! No depression, bonded with DS straight away.

Am pregnant again now, and although I'm a bit hormonal, I'm more in control this time round, because I know its just my hormones and it will pass.

Try not to panic too much - hormones are horrible things but they will settle down.

Thanks so much for replying ladies, it really helps to know other people have struggled like this. I think I thought if this ever happened I'd just be so happy and grateful nothing else would really matter- which of course is ridiculously naive, as now everything seems to matter a hundred times more than before!!

By the time you are 35 everwhere you look you are being told you've probably left it too late , your fertility has halved etc and it scares the crap out of you, so now I feel like I've kind of lurched from one huge panic into another!!!

Grandhighpoohba thank you so much for your honesty, it has given me hope that things can improve, and the fact that you're doing it all again means it must all be worth it in the end! I hope it all goes really well for you.

If anyone has any more stories or advice, keep em coming it really helps! x

hello symone - I was writing moany posts like yours just a couple of months ago. I spent my entire 2 week christmas hols lying on the couch sobbing. In the early weeks I even considered abortion - for this MUCH wanted baby. I didn't have the energy to leave home but I would burst in to tears when my bf said he was going to walk the dogs (20 minutes) and I'd become convinced that when he nipped to the supermarket "something bad" would happen and he'd never come back.

I'm now 19+3 and I can honestly say it's only been the last few weeks things have improved although my morning sickness is not 100% gone and I'm still vomitting 1-2 times a week. At 12 weeks I cracked and begged my doctor for medication to help.

I cried at the midwife at my 8 week appointment bemoaning the fact that her plastic baby example was HUGE and my vagina small.

The change has been gradual and I saw a newborn the other week and I realise I can push that out - I can cope. It's also helped a lot I think in the last 2 weeks that I can feel the baby moving on a daily basis - it's making me happy and excited rather than filled with dread and remorse about what I've done.

I'm 36 btw and this is of course my first.

I can't comment on post-natal depression since have another 10 weeks to go. But I definitely found my mood lifted once the sickness went at about 16 weeks. With hindsight I realise it isn't surprising that feeling nauseous and exhausted should sap my capacity for being optimistic, but at the time I experienced the two things as separate symptoms. Even worse I blamed my physical symptoms on my inability to feel positive about the pregnancy (if only I could pull myself together I wouldn't be feeling so ill either...) so it became a downward spiral.

The anxiety should get under control once you begin to feel more pregnant. I found shiatsu massage really helped me to feel less anxious and less physically vulnerable too, and would definitely recommend making some conscious efforts to engage in activities which will help you relax and get into a frame of mind where you can think positively about the baby (yoga/meditation/gentle walking/massage - anything that has worked for you before).

As far as depression goes, I've had problems in the past so my bf and midwife team know to be on the look out. For ante-natal depression I read a report just the other week which said that there are links between those who give up "everything" and just sit on the sofa until the birth - common-sense really. However, as I say I was a mess until a few weeks ago. I'm just at the point now where I can do one day (half-day) out at the weekend - I had plans for today too but I've had to be realistic and admit I'm just not up to it.

As for exhaustion - I have "better" days but I was still asleep on the couch by 9pm last night...

I felt really crap too during my pregnancy at certain points. Totally, irrationally anxious and panicky about everything or obsessing about random stupid things. I remember being totally overwhelmed with feelings of guilt about the stupidest of things. It happened a lot in the first trimester, then again at around 20 weeks and I actually thought I was going mad but it just went away. Even though I was still worried about everything it wasn't the same overwhelming terror. By the time I had another bout of it later on in the pregnancy I'd worked out it was just hormone surges and relaxed that it would pass which it did. Even though I'd worried a lot about pnd I was fine after ds was born.
Hope you feel better soon.

Skilhorse I really aprreciate your honesty- I have had the same thoughts and it has shocked me so much I feel as if I don't know who I am any more. I feel very guilty about being "moany" but am pretty terrified about this. I'm so glad things have improved for you.

VeroncaCake- yes the nausea is a huge part of what gets you down and I too have kind of blamed myself for not being as happy as I feel I should be. I will definately be using massage, and it's good to hear it has helped you.

paddypoopants- yup guilt and obsessive thoughts, sounds just like me. I start thinking how insanely selfish it is of me to be entering into this when I'm so messed up, which of course leads to all kinds of horrible ideas about what kind of mother I'll be. Thats great you were ok after the birth tho, and thanks for your encouragement.

Symone, I too have had problems this time round with hormone imbalance (I refuse to admit to depression)
This is my second child and I have a DSS aged 6 and a DD aged 5.
My first pregnancy went swimmingly and I was proud when everyone told me how well I was coping and how it suited me. So I was really looking forward to doing it all again with this planned pregnancy.
This time round it's completely different. I am anxious, jealous beyond belief not just of DH, but of friends too, are they all organising nights out behind my back and not telling me cause I am being such a moany bitch and who would want me out with them anyway...then I remember that it's just hormones making me feel this way and that then makes me feel bad about letting it all get to me and I feel sorry for DH for having to put up with it - the constant fears and tears. I also snap at DD and DSS and then feel guilty for taking it all out on them too and get upset about that then get upset about the fact that I am upset it just goes on and on....
Things are getting better (I am 20 weeks now) and I am really trying hard to be rational and admit when I need a rest/sleep and stop trying to be wonder woman!! It is helping. I refuse to admit depression as I want to be able to force myself out of it as soon as I can. I also worry about PND but because I KNOW that this is just my hormones....surely it won't carry on right?

The thing is bluemonkey you already have a child, so this can surely help you prepare a bit for what lies ahead, ie you know you are capable of motherhood and have made a success of things so far. I don't mean to sound overly simplistic, as obviously every pregnancy and birth is different but maybe let that give you a bit of confidence- you know this is not you, it is as you say your hormones.

I know exactly what you mean about getting upset about being upset- it can really turn into an endless cycle of self punishment. Stay strong though, it sounds like you have a stable realtionship and have coped well with the demands of a baby so far, so hang on in there x

Hi symone
Im on my third pregnancy and have really come to terms with the rollercoaster that is pregnacy. For the first few months I am a wreck - pregnancy does not become me and it doesn not bring out my inner earth mother. Its not surprising considering how wretched you can feel and tired beyond belief. Also tho there is my own personality - I am a worrier, need a plan, organiser. I had my first pregnancy at 32 and it is an adjustment. I had to figure out how it was all going to fit and affect my life. It can cause massive anxiety but the good side is once you have it sorted (maybe not sorted but have adjusted to it) in your head the rest of the pregnancy will go easier and you wont wig out as much when you have the baby.
Plus a friend once told me to control my mind! not let the hormones do it. Dont be upset about being upset. your hormones will do their thing they might be making you feel shitty but your body is busy growing a baby so its sending you mixed signals. Its ok to be tired, to feel low, to feel ill, you will feel the whole range of feelings right down to crying at ads! and it will all pass. Just dont let it bog you down.

Also take into account that there are so many romantic notions out there about pregnancy -glowing happy etc It is individual to each person. For me pregnancy is a means to an end. Im finally ok with that. Its something I get thru and strangely enough that has helped me enjoy it more.

Make some time to do things you enjoy - get a massage etc. Best of luck

Thank you so much MammyG, I really appreciate what you say. You are so right, I've realised the whole happy glowing pregnancy is a myth for a lot of people- its just the only images we're ever fed of it. I worry, like you say about how I will adjust, but also about how it will affect my relationship with my partner- we've only been together just under a year. We had talked about having kids together and definately planned to do so but never expected it this early. I feel like people will judge us for this because we are not settled down together as yet. This shouldn't matter of course, I'm not usually so bothered about what ppl think, just I feel so vulnerable right now.

On a less selfish note, I suppose to be honest I worry most about not being a good enough mother- I had a very difficult relationship with mine for and although I know i'm a completely different person, it's just not something I take for granted.

Feel realy foolish admitting all this stuff!!

Not quite in the same boat, but from the other end- I was 24 when I fell pg and it hit me like a ton of bricks. None of my friends were even maried, let alone sprogging, and it honestly felt like I was the only one on earth screwing up their life whilst all around me went on having fun.
Feeling out of control and overemotional is completely normal, especially at first with the hormones and the shock of it. I think the 9 months are necessary for you to get your head round it.

Second time around we really wanted another baby, but guess what? Instead of all bubbly, happy and grateful, I have struggled and been very teary, wobbly, exhausted and sick. Much sicker than my first pg, and it just grinds you right down. Being snappy and horrible (and knowing it) just makes you feel worse, but you can't muster a shred of optimism. I was terrified it was a proper depression I was slipping into, but it's come good now! :-) The sickness eased up enough that it's not a constant thing, and I try to let DH send me off for a nap when it's become obvious that I need one, and I'm looking forward to meeting the new little one. It's lovely lying there and feeling her wriggle around (until she gets stuck under my ribs, but there you go).

So hang in there, give yourself time to adjust, and remind yourself that even just the sickness on its own would make anyone feel down and snappy. Early pg is the complete pits, but with a bit of luck you'll start to feel better from 12-14wks ish. :-)

Hi Simone,

I'm 34 yrs old and just 11 weeks and I completely understand where you're coming from. I keep thinking that I've made a massive mistake and that I should run far, far away... and then I remember I can't and I freak out. I have been feeling constantly nauseous, depressed and anxious and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. My bf tries to support but he doesn't really understand and makes jokes about me getting fat thinking he's lightening the mood !

I'm very glad to have read through all these posts and now have a little bit of hope that it actually might be okay and I won't be the most useless mother on the planet.

Yes it's incredibly helpful to hear about other ppl's experiences and how it can improve- Fatseal you have hit the nail on the head- I feel completely out of control, but you're right I need to give it more time and not panic.

Bonners- you are reading my mind- " I keep thinking that I've made a massive mistake and that I should run far, far away... and then I remember I can't and I freak out"- I'm not proud of this age 36, but I read somewhere its called a "maturational crisis" and can affect you no matter what age. I hope you get back to me and let me know how you are getting along- they say it gets better after the first trimester(please god!)

I haven't read everyone elses post but wanted to add my bit!

I tried for 6 months to get pregnant with my first and as soon as I saw the positive test I instantly thought I've done the wrong thing and was in tears. I also thought about abortion on several occasions for no rational reasons what so ever!!

I wasn't the happiest pregnant woman ever but it was much easier when I started to feel the baby move, which I could spend ages just sitting doing.

My husbands previous wife suffered from postnatal depression and it was a huge fear or mine but luckily it never happened. My son wasn't the easiest of babies and there was a lot of his first 6 months that I didn't enjoy but when they smile at you or fall asleep on you it makes up for it all.

I am now pregnant for the second time and determined to enjoy it more this time around. I have suffered from morning sickness and due to being self-employed I will only be taking 2 weeks off but I am focussing on the positive, the beautiful baby I am growing and that I will soon feel him/her wriggling around in there and share it with my nearly 3 year old!

Thats brilliant to hear- thanks for replying. Wow, going back to work after 2 weeks, thats amazing I really admire you!

I'd agree with cinnamon - it took me nearly a year to conceive this child and when I realised that the BFP was real it hit me like a sledgehammer and I considered abortion.

Yes I've had similar thoughts and if anyone had told me a couple of months ago that I would consider such a thing for even a split second I would have thought they were insane. I've spent the whole of my 30s worrying if I'll ever have a child and now its happened I can't believe how I'm freaking out- its so unnerving like you don't quite know who you are anymore.

Maybe I just romanticised the whole thing. I also think in some ways the older you are the more the full weight of the responsiblity and people's expectations of your ability to handle everything worries you even more- maybe I'm part of a generation that's never properly grown up? I mean that in the sense that in the past people tended to have just their kids young and didn't question the whole thing as much as we do now- they just got on with it.

I suffered really badly from depression whilst pregnant and have a more general history of depression as well. It got worse and worse throughout the pregnancy until by the time I was at term I could barely leave the house and was in a real mess.

Like you I was very very worried about getting PND but for me, within about 1hour of giving birth, the depression lifted and since then i've felt absolutely wonderful. DD is only 4 weeks so still early days but I didn't even get the 4 day blues and have not had (so far) a moments doubt about my new baby. I've had a couple of anxiety type attacks but I think that is pretty normal with a first baby - other than that it has been wonderful.

Sorry I can't offer any words of comfort for the pregnancy but I just wanted to let you know that having ante-natal depression doesn't necessarily mean you'll get PND.

THANK YOU southwestwhippet- that really means a lot to me. What was it about pregnancy that made you so depressed?(obviously you don't have to answer that). With me I think it's mainly fear but you have really reassured me that it doesn't have to lead to PND.

Thanks again and congratualtions thats wonderful!

Mine didn't seem to have a definate root cause, I think I have always needed to be in control of things and felt very out of control when pregnant and being so exhausted didn't help either. I became totally obsessive about controling every aspect of my environment and also controling the people around me. When I couldn't do this I became very angry, anxious and depressed.

How my poor DP survived me, I don't know

Yes feeling out of control like this is very difficult. I got a letter about my scan yeasterday and have been awake all night thinking of everything that could be wrong with my baby (everything gets riskier with age). If I so much as mention this to anyone (only my partner and sister really know I'm pregnant) I just get dismissed with "it'll be fine, just don't worry". I know they have to say that but I just feel r that I'm going through all this alone- I can't talk to anyone about it as they understandably don't want to even go there. I tell myself take it one day at a time but I don't sleep at all, I'm making mistakes at work and turning up late etc and I'm not really sure how to deal with all this fear.

Could have written (did write) this post at 8 weeks.

I will eat my hat if you don't feel better by 12 weeksish.

I even got (and you might get too) the bonus of some brilliant hormonal weirdness that made me feel happily high and a bit 'la la la'.

Best advice I had was just to step back for a few days. Try to forget about being pregnant. You don't have to deal with all of this all in one go. Does that sound possible? A bit of a mental holiday? Have a glass of wine tonight to kick off a non-pregnant weekend?

Good luck, let us know how you are doing.

Sorry if that sounded too quickly unthinking or dismissive but am in a big work rush and just wanted to add some +ive reassurance