PLEASE tell me this gets better

[symone]

Hi there,

I am nearly 37 years old and 8 weeks pregnant for the first time. To say the whole experience so far has been NOTHING like I imagined it is a bit of an understatement.

I feel guilty and actually a bit ashamed whingeing about what is essentially a gift and a privelege- I know women my age who would kill to be in my situation- but I'm really really struggling, even though I have always wanted a child. I feel depressed, anxious, insecure, vulnerable, constantly sick and cry every day. I feel insecure and too needy with my partner (he doesn't live with me) and can't face being around my friends.

I have been told, and have read on these forums that many women feel like this during pregnancy due to hormones and the whole life chaging aspect of it. What I need to know is are there people out there who felt really low at first- to the point of doubting if they were even doing the right thing- who then got better? Who went on to have healthy and HAPPY pregnancies and births? Because I am now terrified of post natal depression as the shock of feeling so bad already is hitting me very hard and I can't bear the thought of being like this in the later stages and after the birth.

Sorry to go on, just really need to hear from women who've been where I am.

Many thanks for reading this.

I loathe being pg and first time round, despite the baby being planned, I was miserable, sick, whingy and just generally a bit freaked out. I was so expecting to enjoy being pg, and I really didn't. The reality was just a bit much.

I'd like to say it got better, but I didn't really deal with the first year very well either, however, DD now 2.7, is lovely and a complete delight. The funny thing is I really don't associate being pg with her, I'm completely detached from it.

This time round I am tired and feeling sick and grumpy, but not at all screwy like I was the first time round. I think that is probably because I have made the biggest life change, so hard as it is going to be this time, it won't be as hard as the first time.

With my first pregnancy I got to the point where I thought if I miscarried that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Isn't that awful? I'm ashamed to admit it.

Hopefully once the sickness goes things will get a bit better. I don't think anyone who hasn't had morning sickness can possibly understand how debilitating and depressing it is. Just when you want to be making the most of all your free time while you can, all you have the energy to do is lie on the sofa and go to be at 9pm.

There is a long running thread that bumps up occasionally on antenatal depression. I will see if I can search it out, if nothing else because it helps to know others are feeling similar things to you and that is is ok to be feeling like that.

Antenatal depression thread. Hope people don't mind me dredging it up.

LuckyC I pray to god you are right and thanks for the advice- I would give my right bloody arm for a glass of wine right now- I fantasise about such things these days- but am too paranoid it'll affect the baby. On your recommendation I just had people visit tonight one of whom doesn't know I'm pregnant and it did help actually for a couple of hours not to talk/ think too much about it. I have been isolating myself from people who dont know (pretty much everyone except 4 people) in a social sense cos find it too hard pretending to be "normal".

Bumperlicious- there is not one bad thought that I haven't had myself so no its not shameful its honest and honesty is what I really need from you guys right now so thank you.

Am currently morbidly obsessed with the risk of downs syndrome etc especially since I got my scan info through, and can't bear the thought of the kinds of decisions this will bring. I find it very hard not to look ahead in fear and wish I could just take one day at a time and relax more- a good nights sleep would be amazing right now.

Thanks again for everyone's responses, you are all helping me through this.

Hi SYMONE think what you re feeling is pretty normal , its how you deal with it....Like somone already posted i ve found the best way for me is carrying on as normal.I enjoy my work and love my colleagues as we have a laugh.It helps me not think about being pg. I have different stresses to you due to my previous experiences [had 1 MMC,1 MC and 1 CP] soo are hating this first trimester.Im now 9weeks 3 days and attended EPU for an early scan that reassured me up to that date....then i m coaching myself to take it 1 day at a time.Keep thinking " well up to today i m pregnant" ,Its just 1 day at a time.Good luck X

Oh forgot to say this is my first child and i m 39.I ve been with my DH 11 years and he has been freaking out about how life will change......Again just giving him time to absorb it all

I think what I haven't probably explained properly here is that I am basically on my own with this. My partner and I have not actually split up but he is never here- he is always away working and as yet we do not actually live together. We have spent very little time together since I found out a month ago. He calls daily and is patient and verbally quite supportive when I start crying for no real reason and he is essentially a good kind person.

I veer from wanting to give him space and time to get his head round this as it's happened pretty early in our relationship and he is not mentally prepared for it at all, to wanting to scream and shout and beg him to come and help me because I feel like an insecure emotional wreck and am so envious of other women who have their partners there for support. It's very easy for people to tell me I should be giving him all kinds of ultimatums and telling him exactly how I feel but I won't for various reasons- I believe if you cling to someone and try to force them into situations their first instinct is to back off/ want to head in the opposite direction.

I had a terrible night last night I won't go into detail but became almost hysterical. Think I hit rock bottom and I'm so tired today I can barely function. It's made me realise this has to stop and I literally have to pull myself together.

symone That does put it in a different light - it must be easier for those of us who have supportive partners. There's a "lone parents" section of mumsnet and I'm sure there will be lots and lots of women there can give you support and advice. You are definitely not the first to be in this situation. (lots of un-mn hugs)

How you are feeling mentally is one of the questions that should be asked by your midwife at your booking-in appointment. This is common, as I think you can see, but you don't want it to become any worse and get yourself into a downward spiral.

Be upfront with the midwives, they are used to dealing with this and will have a selection of coping techniques in their arsenal I'm sure. But they can't help you if you aren't totally straight with them. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate as well as this - take the prfessional help where it is offered and relieve some of you burden . Best of luck.

Hi Symone,

I can understand how you'd feel that way. I'm 34 and am 12 weeks along tomorrow and I have had an average of about 10.5 weeks of sleepless nights due to worry and anxiety etc. I actually suffer from depression anyway, I have had to come off my med's as I am pregnant, and my mood swings have been off the charts at times and I don't know if this is down to just hormones or whether I am cracking up. I guess I am blessed that my DH is so laid back he mostly just shrugs it off (though there have been some BLAZING rows). I can't imagine what it would be like not having him here though. I think I'd probably become quite needy if we lived apart. I already freak out a bit if he's late home or doesn't want to walk me to the shops etc.

I know it won't be easy but you need to get your partner to understand what you're going through. I bought mine a book called 100 Top Pregnancy Tips for Blokes, it's quite jokey and laddish but it broke the ice when he was going through his totally dazed, just found out phase, and I forward him all the e-mails I get about baby's development from Baby Centre, Emma's Diary etc ESPECIALLY the ones that explain the way M2B's might feel.

Try to relax a bit more, gentle exercise like Pre-natal Pilates, swimming and walks (especially now spring is pushing it's way through!) can work wonders on your mood and make time in the day to meditate on you baby. Picture yourself holding that beautiful bundle and feeling so totally happy you feel yourself glowing with love and joy, imagine all the fun you're going to have buying clothes and toys, seeing his/her first smile, first steps etc and use these images to relax your mind and calm yourself.

And if you find yourself on the sofa crying at the daftest things on TV don't worry...you're normal!

I think it's perfectly normal to worry about everything that may be wrong with the baby, and maybe in a weird way by doing this you're already showing signs of being a good Mum! I suppose you just have to give yourself a "day off" from worrying every now and again.

I went through a stage of being worried by the fact that I feel nothing when I'm out and about and see mothers and babies on the street, I couldn't help thinking that I should be leaping with joy thinking "that will be me!" Or cooing at their children or something! But nothing, I feel nothing. My closest girlfriends have told me not to give this another thought, means nothing, one girlfriend even told me she only likes her own children, couldn't give a hoot about anyone elses!

When I asked my Mum when and why she decided to have us she said she didn't decide, "it's just what you did". I agree that in our 30's we tend to 'overthink' and analyse every possible outcome, and we should be proud that we're educated and intelligent enough to do so, but have to learn to give ourselves a break too!

Yesterday I could have climbed Everest and today I woke up crying, it's irrational and annoying but how many times in our lives do we get such a brilliant excuse for being irrational and annoying!

HAHAHA, Symone I just read your post about the 'maturational crisis' and it is sooooooooo true. I'm the youngest daughter and granddaughter and have always been looked out for by my older sister in a single parent home. Now I have a bf who is very parental in some ways. He makes all the important money decisions and my role is to be the fun doodlehead who makes him laugh (and also exasperates him when i run out of money 2 weeks before payday!).

Now I'm sitting here feeling completely unready to be responsible for this little person even though it is the thing I want most in the world. Therefore, depression, anxiety, negative thoughts galore. I'm at 12 weeks now and on the weekend I had a glimmer of my post-preg self. I got out in the garden for 2 hours on my own and didn't think about being sick, being pregnant, impending motherhood, failing miserably at work yada yada yada. I'm hoping my garden will save my sanity this summer.

Just remember that no matter what happens with your parther, YOU will be okay!