Unplanned pregnancy

[pennylee]

After experiencing a miscarriage and a stillbirth (nothing to medically suggest either could happen again)I have been looking forward to having a healthy and happy pregnancy in the right circumstances. Being single now and unemployed for the first time and in the process of interviewing for a great job this is not the time to be pregnant!!! Especially since the father doesn't want to be involved. On the other hand I'm 36 and I'm terrified of regretting the decision I'm contemplating. My instincts tell me that it isn't right to have this baby but my emotions are making this a confusing time and feel completely torn.

alright duckie? sorry tis only me!

is there ever a right time to have a baby?????? im 20 weeks now and was unplanned but do have a dp but was also laid off my job 2 months before i fell pg. doing a few bits and pieces from home now and of course i have worries and doubts but everything has a way of working itself out.not an easy decision to make especially on ur own but to be honest sometimes its better to be on ur own. and in my honest opinion if ur having doubts over whether or not you should do it u probably will regret it. but if ur instinct is telling u its not right to have the baby then u have to listen to that too.prob not too much help but theres no roght or wrong thing to do.it will be hard whtever you decide to do but its up to you to decide whether either decision is worth the end result xx

I guess it's not the best subject to discuss with pregnant mum's. Just thought they'd understand the fear and sway me to keep going. Any support would be helpful!!!

That's the problem... never knowing what's the right thing. It would be so much easier if I bonded straight away with my bump - even at this early stage. I did with the other two pregnancies. I'm so stressed. I think I'm becoming depressed. I just can't decide. I don't want this baby but I don't want a termination equally.

Its hard to comment without knowing your circumstances, but being a single mother is hard, esp if the father is not interested.

You need need to weigh up whether this is really a bad time (ie do you have savings, how secure is your housing) for you vs the "but what if" you never get another chance.

A lot depends on the support network you have eg family and friends. You probably need some proper counselling in order to help you come to the right decision.

Whatever decision you come to will be right, you just need to try and detach the emotions from the practicalities.

i suppose you need to think about what you will regret more, having a baby or having a termination

lots of people have babies in awfully difficult circumstances..

how many weeks are you? if you are considering termination, the sooner the better, yu should see your GP and ask for a referral for counselling, it might help

if you were emplyoed and with someone , would you be happy to have this baby?

there are no certainties in life.. you need to decide what is going to be the best decision for you ..

at 36 with a miscarraige and stillbirth behind you, this might be the last chance for you.

i think you need to be pragmatic and even do a list of pros and cons and make a rational decision

many women manage alone

the father should support the baby financially if nothing else

have you had a look at the lone parents threads? that's where I go when I'm feeling stuck - They're really supportive (and often inspiring). B's asleep now so you can have my full attention if you want to talk x

CONS:Debt, renting, no job, not bonded, hate him and not comfortable carrying his child, social stigma, not being emotionally prepared and therefore it's going to be harder to cope ie feeling negative and unhappy rather than joyful and up for the challenge which is an attitude I know I'll need.
PROS:I won't care when baby is inmy arms
CONSIDERATIONS:
a) Age but this baby has survived the withdrawral technique and the morning after pill so I guess I'm pretty fertile.
b) If I wait to make the circumstances right for me it would be the more sensible option.
c) I've never loved anything as much as I loved my son and he died when he was 30 weeks.
d) I'm only 5 weeks pregnant so wouldn't have to go to hospital.
e) I've already had counselling with BPAS. Didn't help.

No-one can tell you what to do; there is no nice way out of this unfortunately.

It is not a decision you can make by weighing up the pros and cons- you just have to stay quiet until a little voice tells you what to do. This voice is often difficult to hear with everything else that's going on in there, but you will hear it, eventually.

FWIW, I think you've posted in 'Pregnancy' for a reason. If I tell you I think you want to keep the baby, how does that make you feel?

Both my children look the image of my DH, esp my DD (several people told me that if they didn't know my DH they'd assume she was adopted, I have olive skin, brown hair and brown eyes, both her and DD have identical features, fair skin, mouse brown hair and blue eyes), so if you really hate him might be hard to bond with a baby who looks just like him.

Not ideal to have a baby when in debt, renting and with no job.

If you can cope with the possibility that you might not be pregnant again, then maybe its right to have a termination, esp as its so early.

There you go penny, two different points of view... how did reading each one make you feel?

you have to accept that age and time are not on your side if you want to be a mother, i don't mean to be harsh, but if oyu do terminate, and of course, if it is the right thing for you, then that is your decision.. you need to consider that you might not have another chance and that would be for me, in your shoes, the biggest consideration to make.

My emotions are so polarised and I swing from one to the other. One day I can put my hand on my heart and say that having this baby is not right for me and give a splendid amount of very justified reasons for making the 'right choice'. Then I'll think about putting that pill and my mouth and I just know I'll be histerically sobbing my heart out especially because I feel so sentimental about losing my boy. But sentimentality is not a good enough reason to bring a child into the world who won't have the best start or is it? Will I eventually bond with my baby and wonder how on earth I could have ever contemplated not having them? I know you can't answer.... but please try!!!!!!!!!!!!

if there is any doubt that termination is wrong, you should really take more time to think

it is not just sentimentality, but why do people have children on the whole? because they want a baby, often in less than ideal circumstances, and that urge to havea baby is a really strong one

put yourself 5 years in teh future. you'll be 41.. do you want to be 41 with a child. or not?

because you might not have another chance.

it sounds like you are not really sure that termination is best

I'm sorry you're having a Bad time. However if you're worried about being a lone Parent - don't. I'm 25 with four dc includig a 6 week old, and doing it alone. I wouldn't change it.

I think MumNWLondon is talking crap. Sorry. Not bonding because your baby looks like its father, who doesn't want to be involved. WTH.

The father has no choice but to be involved. He didn't use contraception and will have to step up to the responsibility. He will have to provide financially too.

pennylee, I am so sorry for your previous losses, and for the distress you're clearly in now.

There is never a "right" time to have a baby - life makes sure of that. You could wait forever for the perfect moment. Obviously you have some solid reasons to be concerned about re your status - and you are wise to be giving these matters thought - but these material things are of no consequence to this baby, who just needs you.

I also think the advice to wait until you can hear the little voice telling you what is right is very sound. Allow yourself to have a gut feeling and go with that.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

seeing as you've been through a still birth, and miscarriage you are a lot stronger than you think.

You say you hate the guy, but you also want a child so i don't think you'll hate the baby once born.

As for finances well my husband had a rubbish job when i was expecting my first child, we have to get the basic range in furniture,clothing pushy. i was upset at the time. but once i had the baby i tght having the poshest cot or pushy or even clothes is immaterial. This baby is more beautiful and precious than anything, and lets face it babies look good in anything from a babygro to just a nappy.

Can't you get help with rent, there is assistance from council, you should not feel ashamed to use benefits, it is designed for ppl in need, not scroungers.Call and ask them what benefits you are entitled to, you may be surprised to know there are quite a few.

P.S Why would there be stigma, you mentioned stigma of having a baby?

I was just making the point that the baby could be a reminder of the relationship the OP had with the baby's father whom she said she hates. Thats hardly talking crap!

That may not be a problem, and as I said if the OP does decide to go ahead with a termination she should be comfortable that she may not get another chance because of her age.

I also think that posting on a pregnancy board is going to give one sided answers though....

I think it's important that MumNW gives another consideration to think about- I don't think she was talking crap.

I disagree with it affecting the bond with the baby, but it is a factor to remember that this man will quite probably be in your life.

"Will I eventually bond with my baby and wonder how on earth I could have ever contemplated not having them? I know you can't answer.... but please try!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, you will bond with your baby, most likely instantly. You will wonder what life was like before you had them. Nobody can tell you what it's like to have a baby, and even if they tried to tell you, you'd think they were lying! This doesn't mean you should or shouldn't do it, just that the fear of not bonding is not a reason to terminate.

Having a baby is terrifying (well, it was for me), even at the 'right' time. Don't mistake this fear for not wanting the baby. If a termination is right for you, you will know, maybe not just yet, but you will. If having the baby is right, you will know that too.

The question is not 'do you want a baby?', but 'do you want this baby?'

Whatever you choose, be aware that you cannot return to life before the pregnancy; whatever decision you make will change your life and will change you.

When I found out I was pregnant with DC3 I was gutted.My DSC were 8 & 7,DC 3&1.My DH had just been made redundant.We lived in already crowded 3 bedroom house.I had nearly completed my degree and was arranging interviews and experience for a PGCE.

DH persuaded me to have baby and then disappeared to run a pub, only coming home one day a week.Then I discovered he had been ringing and texting another woman.I had antenantal depression and had terrible anxiety that I would never bond with DC3, even looked into baby being adopted.

Now DC3,my beautiful baby girl is nearly 8 mnths old.My circumstances have, if anything, worsened,but I have no regrets that I have her.She is the best mistake I ever made!

I am not saying this is the choice you should make, but I am saying that yes, I have bonded with my baby and yes, i wonder how on earth I could have contemplated not having her.

Hi, I just wanted to say i was in your situation 4 years ago with my ds. I split up with his father at 3 months pregnant and he didnt want anything to do with the baby. He told all his friends that I had lost the baby. He was a complete waste of space and couldn't believe the way he was. My son is nearly 4 now and i have heard nothing from the father. I have since met my dh and have gone on to have more children. I would never be without my gorgeous little boy. It just makes me so upset to think that his biological father doesn't want anything to do with him and he has never seen him. He gets all the love he could ever want though. Its totally up to you to do what ever you decide but having a child is the greatest gift of all. xx

I think it's perfectly reasonable to take one's feelings for the father into account. I became pregnant after a brief and ill advised fling. I had a termination because the thought of having to remain connected to the idiot I'd been stupid enough to have sex with was too grim to contemplate. I had occasional regrets but once I'd had ds and realised just how big a deal having a baby is, finally accepted that I'd made the right decision back then. Besides, better to regret a termination than a child, imo.

I was however in my 20s. If you think you'd like to have children one day, then I'm inclined to suggest you take the plunge this time. You're clearly a strong, competant woman - whereas I was a bit of a fuckwit when I got pregnant that time (although sufficiently self-aware to realise that I was a fuckwit, iyswim!) - you'll work something out.

Pennylee i'd be inclined to seriously consider that this 'could' be your one shot at motherhood. If you really do see having a child as an important part of your future then could you live with the regret of a termination?

I'm 100% pro choice BTW, i just think there is something in your tone that suggests, despite all the cons, you do want this baby (as tehtherhend mentioned). Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

From your posts it sounds as though you would regret not having this baby. You can overcome all of the difficulties you described. I disagree with other poster - I think it could be worse to regret having a termination as you can never get that baby back, whereas you can work through problems if you have the baby and get support. It is a difficult decision, but I feel if in your heart you want a baby you will manage, and nothing else will matter. Good luck.