Unplanned pregnancy

[pennylee]

After experiencing a miscarriage and a stillbirth (nothing to medically suggest either could happen again)I have been looking forward to having a healthy and happy pregnancy in the right circumstances. Being single now and unemployed for the first time and in the process of interviewing for a great job this is not the time to be pregnant!!! Especially since the father doesn't want to be involved. On the other hand I'm 36 and I'm terrified of regretting the decision I'm contemplating. My instincts tell me that it isn't right to have this baby but my emotions are making this a confusing time and feel completely torn.

Everyone has been so brilliant with their responses. You are an amazing bunch and maybe we'll be bumping into each other again soon. I can't say I'm 100% but I can say that I'm feeling stronger and more capable of making this happen. I heard something in a film last night along the lines of 'I never hesitated in feeling that a termination was the right decision to make but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I had made a different one.'

Why don't you try and sort out some of the practical decisions, so the emotional and pregnancy related issues are not effected by these.

For example, would you consider bankruptcy. You are in a good position for it (renting, any other assets?) and it could be life changing. Post here for more help (forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.html?f=136)

Would you qualify for a council flat? Have you looke up what benefits you would be entitled to (www.entitledto.co.uk) if you had the baby?

As you have no job, you are in a fantastic flexible position. Could you move to be nearer family, friends or somewhere more familiar?

There is ALOT of support out there for new mums, things like Homestart and Surestart.

Would you consider retraining? Again there is alot of help (financial) for training parents on low incomes. You could wait till baby is 18m/2yo and then (for eg) train to be a teacher. You qualify for something like £350 per week childcare (don't quote me on this!) (See here www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/UniversityAndHigherEducation/StudentFinance/Getting started/DG_171245)

You could use this situation to totally turn things around. If you do want to train in a new career, you could try and more somewhere NOW that is near family/University so you are prepared.

I hope this helps. I wanted to give a different presepective. This may not help at all with your dilemma. Good Luck x

To be honest, as each day passes and I feel more pregnant, the practicalities which were my main concern seem to be diminishing in their importance. I have an interview for a good job tomorrow. May get it, may not. May get managed out when they find out, may get supported. Maybe not getting it would be a good thing and I'll re launch my Personal Training Company... There are so many maybe's, if's ....I will find a way, I'll have to. Every day my perspective changes. it seems to be a journey of emotions.

Pennylee you say that you have never loved anything as you loved your son who was stillborn.

Do you think part of your fears about not bonding with this baby is linked to that loss and the grief? That perhaps it might feel like betrayal to love another baby? Or that it's too risky to invest in this baby in case the pregnancy doesn't make it?

Just a thought. I do think that once the baby is here you will feel differently, that you will love her/him. This baby is not his or her father, they are not you - they are a unique person.

I got pregnant to the biggest *hole on earth who 'doesn't want to be involved'
I was sop heartbroken by the situation that at 14 weeks I finally decided to go have a termination.
When they went to scan me I lieterally demanded to see the screen, she reluctantly agreed to let me see a still image of the fetus, but not a moving one.
I was booked in for an abortion the following week.
But as I left I knew deep inside I wasn't going to attend the appointment.
I'm now 32 weeks pregnant with a little boy called Jacob.
And although this pregnancy is different, i've been in some denial, not put much weight on etc.. I know I'll love him and I'm happy now.
I'll have this child and my boy who's 3 and that's just the way it is. Sperm donor can go to hell.
It's about me and my two boys now :-)

Also, If you're having housing issues, so was I in early pregnancy, but there is SO much help available.
Housing aid found me a lovely privately rented 3 bedroom house and housing benefit pay the rent for me, infact they offered me 2 houses and I had to choose one.
I have a CAF support team who help me with furnishing my house, getting everything I'm entitled to, they've got funding for childcare for when i've had hospital appointments AND sent a support worker to go with me to the hospital.
I'm not employed but I take childcare and cookery classes.
You'd be amazed how much support there is for single women in this situation.
I plan on going back to college in september and getting onto a nursing degree by 2011.
I know I will get all the financial support for me and my child and unborn in the mean time.
I was completely alone in the beginning of this pregnancy not thinking I could cope at all.
Now I've got a counsellor,
2 surestart support workers,
a midwife,
a health visitor (who has personally driven me to furniture warehouses),
a doctor (who supported me in saying I was mentally okay to keep the social services away),
a consultant (pregnancy led by)
a homestart worker,
my midwife's support worker (who has gotten me baby clothes etc)
I have another support worker who writes letters to support grant applications on my behalf.
ALL of these professionals meet reguarily at a CAF meeting with me and they say we're all making great progress together.
My house is looking lovely now and really child friendly.
The children's centre lend us as much toys as we like.

I can't believe it's all turned out so well, but it has, because when you're pregnant and alone in such a situation people want to help you :-)

hello...been through a similar decision myself...except i also had to factor in another child.
only you can decide what to do...im now 28 weeks pregnant. i just couldnt terminate, ive had 6 miscarrages, 3 of which after 12 weeks. until i held my Ds i couldnt help but think it wouldnt turn out ok. this time around im a bit moe relaxed.

weighing up pros and cons is a good way to look at it, but as many have said before me there is never the perfect time to have a baby, and i dont think that there is as much of a stigma attached to being a lone parent as there was a few years ago.

do you think your family would support you? the same with friends...you really do find out who your true friends are at times like these. there is a thread in lone parents pregnant and on our own...none will judge if you want to use it as a sounding board.

hope that helps...abnd that someone will be along shortly with better info.