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Do you think having just 1 child is selfish?

71 replies

Pinkflipflop · 12/02/2010 18:52

Is it v hard for the child not to have siblings? Do you think most 'only' children are a bit spolit (and other things we hear over and over)

Please share your experiences and thoughts about only children - thank you

OP posts:
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bagelmonster · 14/02/2010 16:22

jeeeeez ladies, give the poor woman a break.I have 1 child and totally DID NOT take it as an offence to be asked that question!!!! I know many many children from all differet backgrounds and some only children can be so totally spoilt and have issues, not their fault though at all, totally fault of parents, and some only children are really well rounded and adjusted and have no issues with sharing etc, I think it depends on the parenting. My daughter is very well liked, shares, has loads of friends and teachers all say she is a delight, so I must be doing something right? Hope this doesnt put you off MN, most people have very encouraging, friendly replies, it's a pity that you got some really harsh ones for an innocent question that was well intendedx

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 14/02/2010 16:25

having just one child is ecologically better than having two or more ? so it's a responsible, earth-friendly thing to do. there are many only children now. whether an only child or a bunch of siblings are spoilt brats depends on how they are raised. only children don't have to be lonely children if they are encouraged to make friends from an early age and parents support friendships throughout childhood. only children with supportive parents often have very happy childhoods.

drivingmisscrazy · 14/02/2010 16:45

another only child of an only child here, with (probably) an only child. It is a different experience, not necessarily better (or worse). It should be remembered too, that in the past parents usually limited their families for economic reasons (half the kids in my mum's class in the early 1940s were onlies, from working class/lower middle class homes) and that ecologically there's no doubt that it's a good thing. If you grub about search on here, you will find plenty of examples of toxic sibling relationships, mostly rooted in childhood. My DP has 5 siblings, 2 of whom are great, but 3 of whom are troubled/problematic in various ways and are sources of conflict and sorrow.

On the whole, the only children I know (I include myself of course ) are strongly motivated, successful, resilient, sociable, have a powerful social conscience (aka a sense of themselves as contributors to society etc), cheerful and independent. If the goal of raising children is to produce morally and socially responsible human beings who can look after themselves (and others), then most onlies I know are successful and have been well parented. This really can't be said of many children of larger families, where there is always someone to fall back on.

Riven is right about the aging parent thing (we insist that our DD waves us off as we slug our pills and whisky, but I know full well that if we manage to bring her up at all well, that she will feel responsible for us as we dribble and wee). Being an only is also not great if things go very very wrong - my father died when I was 8 and that made me feel completely responsible for my mother from then on, which really wasn't healthy. Mind you, a different mother would have tried to have prevented that happening

Ivykaty44 · 14/02/2010 18:42

Riven I have a cousin who has been left with all the care of her father, her other three sibling don't help and refuse to help. I have a friend who looked after his mother, i he wanted a holiday he had to put her into a home - as his two siblings were never able to help.

It doesn't mean that you will have lotsof care if you have more than one child as it doesn't mean you will have help if you have siblings.

Mishy1234 · 14/02/2010 18:57

There have been some very strong reactions to your post OP, but tbh I didn't find it offensive personally.

It took a long time for us to conceive DS and tbh I never thought another one was possible. I did ask myself if it was selfish of me to have him if I was unable to have any more children. As it happens, I'm now pregnant and due in May, but I'm finding myself asking myself exactly the opposite! Am I selfish for having another child and not being able to give DS as much attention/resources as I would have if he'd been an only?

Just goes to show that parenthood is a terminal guilt trip whichever way you go in the end.

IZDI · 14/02/2010 19:23

hi it depends. if you can't have any more due to medical or financial reasons then fine but why would you want your child to play and talk to themselves all the time. i'm on my 2nd child with a 6 year gap and if it as down to me the gap wouldn't be so big.

MorrisZapp · 14/02/2010 19:28

OP wasn't offensive at all - what a silly overreaction.

I'm pg with my 'first and only', and DP and I think having an only is the only way to go. We both love the idea of a team of three - and of the freedom we'll both have sooner then if we had more. I don't have much of a choice at my age but if I'd wanted more I'd have started earlier.

We can't afford to move to a bigger house either.

I think that all parents are selfish to a degree, and while I don't judge bigger families, it seems to me that looking at the big picture, it's more selfish to have more rather then fewer kids.

DontCallMeBaby · 14/02/2010 21:36

Aaaah, after all that, an actual offensive comment. IZDI, my child doesn't 'play and talk to themselves all the time'. I let her out of the house on a fairly regular basis, and when she IS in the house, I occasionally talk to her.

thumbwitch · 14/02/2010 21:40

For the offended parties: it's up to you if you choose to be offended by what, essentially, wasn't an offensive opening post. A bit naive perhaps but definitely not worthy of the vitriol poured on the OP.

FWIW - my mum was an only child and bitterly regretted it. However, like DCMB's mum, she was brought up in a house with 2 cousins, so she wasn't as "only" as some (but perhaps that was more the problem - there was only one of her vs. 2 of them). I don't know whether or not I would have minded being an only - I wasn't given the choice - but I could certainly have done without my brother.

I have one at the mo, and although we would like to have another, my age is against us - still trying but who knows what will happen. If we can't manage it, then DS will be an only - but he will still be who he is, a very sociable child. He might be a bit precocious, but then so was DH as a boy, and he is the younger of 2 so nothing to do with being an only. Spoilt? Well, that depends on your definition of the word - having more than other children from larger families, possibly; being an undisciplined brat, no chance.

HTH

doozle · 14/02/2010 21:53

Agree, OP wasn't offensive at all. I have an only and was wondering if OP was asking if it's ok to stick with one.

And yes it's absolutely not selfish at all.

You do what's right for you and bollocks to the people who tell you it's self-centered(there's always the odd person in RL who will tell you this to be fair).

vix206 · 15/02/2010 11:31

I'm an only child and I plan to have only one child (I am pregnant at the moment). I loved being an only, and unlike the cliche I have always been very generous and giving and not at all spoilt or self-centred. Because I didn't have any siblings to share toys/sweets etc. with I really wanted to share them with my friends instead.

I made lots of incredibly close friends as a child that were like sisters to me, and I must admit I enjoyed not having to fight and squabble like many of my friends did with their siblings.

It possibly made me less competitive and less pushy than some of my friends with siblings, but maybe that's just my nature anyway?

We only want one, for many reasons which I won't go into here, and I am 100% happy with that decision. The only down side I feel is that as you grow older and your parents become elderly you do feel the full burden of responsibility and sometimes I feel sad that I won't have anyone who will feel the same way about them as I do when the inevitable happens. But this is quite morbid and not something I dwell on!

vix206 · 15/02/2010 11:36

Oh, and having now read the entire thread - why are so many people having a go at OP? There was nothing offensive whatsoever in her post?? Scary that you can be attacked so harshly for asking an innocent question, as a relatively new mumsnetter I will proceed with great caution!

OtterInaSkoda · 15/02/2010 11:55

When my mum was ill and later died, it would have been easier on me had I had a sibling or two, assuming that they were decent sorts. Had they been grasping or otherwise unpleasant I imagine the whole situ would have been worse.

IZDI's comment about children talking to themselves is just bizarre. I don't get it at all. Do onlies wander around muttering to themselves of something? Coz mine doesn't and neither did I.

FWIW some of the reactions to the OP have been offensive. The OP isn't offensive at all.

ppeatfruit · 15/02/2010 12:04

yes upahill exactly. it's not selfish to have one child; only if you continue to live as if you haven't got any children. Giving things instead of care and attention and love will spoil any child.

BlauerEngel · 15/02/2010 12:16

Parents of onlies are (understandably) being relentlessly positive here about the experience, but I hated hated hated being an only child. I had plenty of friends and frequently played with them all day long in the school holiday, but it didn't take away that deep sense of loneliness,a feeling that someone was missing in the family. My parents overprotected me in the way that a number of - but obviously not all - parents of only children overprotect them. If all the people posting here belong to that group who don't overprotect, that's great, you're doing your kids a great favour. But please don't deny that there is a group of parents ? mothers ? who cannot let go. DD1's class is suffering at the moment from two very overprotective mothers of single girls who are not allowed a moment's independence.

If you want to have one child, that's up to you (and I would never make a comment to parents of only children in RL), but you need to be aware that there are certain 'traps' to avoid (just as parents of more than one need to avoid favouratism, for example)

Please, I'm not having a bash at parents of onlies - just at that subsection who never overcome PFB syndrome.

onebadbaby · 15/02/2010 12:35

I don't really think that being an only child is any better or worse than any of the other numerous family scenarios that exist.
We all grow up with different experiences and situations and these are what makes us what we are today. We all learn to make the best of our lives, and there will be some aspects of being an only child that will allow you child to develop skills which be an advantage over her peers, just as there will be different advantages of being the oldest, the youngest having brothers, sisters, lots of siblings, just one etc...
So far my only dd who is 4 seems just as well adjusted as any of her classmates.

bloomingbex · 15/02/2010 13:04

I feel really sorry for the poor OP. I notice that she hasn't commented since explaining her reason for posting, which in my opinion she shouldn't have had to do in the first place. I really hope this bad experience hasn't chased her away for good as there are some great people on here who really do provide support to others.

I'm new to MN and am shocked at how vicious some people seem to be. I'll definitely think twice before asking any questions.

wizbitwaffle · 15/02/2010 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pissovski · 15/02/2010 14:01

Jeez PFF you got it both barrels then - and i'm not that sure why!

As others have said the 'spoilt only' is a stereotype, and a lazy one at that.

I am an only one (arriving after 3 mcs), and my mum was too. My parent's could not drop everything just to do what i wanted, and financially we weren't well off. As others have said, there is the pressure of expectations falling just on you But you do get plenty of peace and quiet! My DH is the yougest of 6 and that presents a whole other set of problems

My dad is the eldest of 3. He didn't get on with his brother or sister, and the only word to describe his sister is spoilt. There were girls at my school who had siblings but were ridiculously spoilt (brand new car on 17th bday!.

As an only child i have found myself having to become independent but don't think that's a bad thing.

Good luck to you xxx

Biw · 17/02/2010 19:36

Probably unfair for your 1st to be an only child?
But are you selfish - I'd say no. Absolutely pointless bringing a 2nd child into the world you don't particularly want.

missytequila · 19/02/2010 10:31

I am an only child and am quite tired of being called spoiled. My parents gave me everything they could and would have done the same to other siblings if they were able to have more. I know many children with siblings that are extremely spoiled.

The positives:

I have made solid and lasting friendships with girls who I consider 'my sisters' in fact I am closer to some of them then they are to their real sisters.

Only children are mature (i never spoke baby talk, behaved at a young age in restaurants, no one to misbehave with,etc)

Good at socialising and value relationships with people.

Independent and strong.

My parents took me everywhere, as it is easier, and I therefore had a very broad and open mind. And exposure to a wide variety of experiences at a young age.

If that is your choice to have one, go for it! I think I turned out pretty good! x

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