Do you think having just 1 child is selfish?

[Pinkflipflop]

Is it v hard for the child not to have siblings? Do you think most 'only' children are a bit spolit (and other things we hear over and over)

Please share your experiences and thoughts about only children - thank you

Goodness me - give the poor woman a break!

Well I have one child.

OP reads as "let's all judge earthstar and her one child, do you all view her as selfish and her child as spoilt with a tragic pitiable existence because earthstar selfishly had no other children?"

Well thanks a lot for that, and if you want me to tell you about what it is like to have one child I selfishly can't spare the time

I'm really surprised by how hard people are coming down on this post. I'm new to MN, and to be honest, this is making me question whetehr it's somehwere I want to stick around.

I didn't think the OP was crass and unthinking at all. I have a friend who has sadly had to give up her hopes for a second child, and I'm sure she wouldn't have read this thread as being unfeeling - her biggest sadness is that she has been unable to give her daughter a sibling, and I'm sure she would understand this question.

In answer to the question, I'd say just have as many children as feels right for you. I have wondered myself about the pros and cons of having one child - the sibling relationship seems like such a fundamental, important one - but if, for whatever reason, you don't feel able to do it, then it's not selfish to just have one.

Wow - quite a strong reaction to an otherwise bumbled but innocent question.

Must say have one friend who for various reasons will not be having children and I am constantly gob smacked by the amount of people who believe she is selfish? Esp older generation. The same is true of two friends who have only one child (1 cannot and 1 doesnt want to). People outside your close circle always draw their own misguided conclusions.

I think the bottom line is have a good think about it, weigh up what is right for you and stick to your guns. what others think should not be an influence on whether you do or do not have another child. I congratulate any woman who has the courage and insight to seriously consider why she would or would not have a child. Once you do that it doesnt matter if its 1 or 7 they will be loved and happy.

At first we decided to stick with one. my son was very very hard work as a baby, toddler and small person. I decided, probably very selfishly that i could not put myself through that kind of torture again.

Now, i desperately want another, but 5 mcs later, it looks very doubtful that we will be able to have a brother or sister for ds.

for many reasons we made the decision to just have one, i have to say that it would probably have been selfish of us to go ahead and have another one.

ds is not spoilt. But then i would say that wouldnt i but i have had the comment from teachers and friends "you can tell he is an only" which makes me mad.

I think that your question is not offensive as i knew what you meant and took it in the spirit it was meant.

its not selfish to have just one child... its selfish to have more children than you can properly care for . (i mean time, affection and financially).

I'm a third generation singleton (my mum and her dad were both only children). There are advantages to having your parents undivided attention but there can also be a pressure to 'succeed' because you are aware that all their aspirations for their children fall on your shoulders. That being said, I would never consider my parents to have been selfish in having just one child. They wanted to do their absolute best for me and even now are hugely supportive. My experience of growing up would probably have been different if I had had siblings but not necessarily better or worse, just different.

Ultimately, I think you have to make the decision that is best for you and not worry so much about what other people will make of it.

crikey, poor OP who asks a question lots of people must think.

I had DS when I was 40. I knew I wouldn't try to have another as I found pregnancy at that age very hard, my husband is older than me, I had PND as well. I could have tried but frankly I felt it wasn't worth the risks, mainly the psychological risks. I also know that if both of us had been 10 or even 5 years younger we'd probably have had at least one more if not two or three, deo volante.

It's not selfish and you won't produce a monster but with one child, once they get to the age of reason (5,6,7 whatever) you are free to do what you want, when you want, and you can afford to do far more and have the freedom to do more than with a brood. So they can appear spoilt, just because you do stuff with them. I was an only, so was my mum. DH has 4 siblings. I think it all boils down to your life and how you want to live it.

And don't worry about clumsy OPs!

Pinkflipflop...

Actually, it is an interesting and (as you have discovered) terribly emotive topic!

Please do come and have a glass of virtual Bolly in our bolly den tearoom over in the one child families topic...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/904659-Tea-Room-the-Thirteenth

... and we regulars can fill you in on anything you want to know about the good and not so good bits about bringing up a one and only sad spoilt brat happy and well balanced child!!!

I agree with the posters saying the OP has been treated harshly.

I am an only child. Because my parents divorced when I was 3 and didn't find another relationship to work that would include another child. I was spoilt materially, but also I was bought up with good morals, ethics and social ideals.

I have one DS who is now 5. My relationship with his father broke down. I would love t have more children but unless I find a good DH who I am prepared to trust enough to have another child with, DS will remain an only child and I accept this.

DS is like me. He is materially spoilt to an extent. He has a lot and gets to go on great holidays. He wants for nothing.

Yet, he is used as an example at school and was at nursery. Even being an only child, he is loving, giving, considerate, always shares, even with 'selfish' children that snatch from him and is a bright and intelligent young boy. A child for me to be proud of.

So as much as I would love another child, if this is the way it will be, then this is the way it will be. To a degree it is choice that he is an only child to a degree not (I was with another man after DSs dad for 4 years, but made sure I never had another child even though he wanted as I knew he was not hte right man to be the father of my much wanted next child).

Sorry for the rambling - have had a few wines - and hope that makes sense.

I'm current pregnant with DC2 and it was (mostly) for the purely selfish reason of them entertaining each other and taking the pressure off me and DH. Everyone knows two are easier than one don't they?

No seriously, I used to really worry about DS being an only child. For a long time I didn't think we'd have any more for a number of reasons (the not being physically possible one obviously went out of the window!). But I'd agree with others that there are probably pros and cons to both situations - DS and his sibling might hate each other after all!

I am an only and also have an only.
I like it. Don't feel I am being selfish or indeed that my mother was.

And am not offended by op. Tis just a question. Lighten up.

OP - I too think there are some massive over reactions to your original post. There are stereotypes associated with only children being spoilt, self centred, attention seeking etc . Doesn?t make them true but they exist. I think the reason people are getting so upset is because they have also heard them. In addition to this, people who have one child and say they are not spoilt are not the best testimonials either. It?s like asking a mother if they think their child is beautiful. You won?t find many who say No.

It?s incredibly sad that some people may only be able to have one child when they wanted more but I don?t see that as a good enough reason to lash out at other who are fortunate enough to have more than one and are curious about how siblings interact.

OP - Please do not ask Mumsnet to delete your post. One of the great things about this forum is that you can pretty much ask anything. There was clearly no malice intended in your post unlike some of the responses that followed.

I think the only children I know are slightly different from the children I know with siblings but certainly not in a negative way (and we're talking a pretty small sample size here!). Most of the only children I know seem more independent at an earlier age than their peers, and have a more confident and positive self-identity. As one of three girls I think the disadvantage of having 2 very close siblings is that people tended to define us in relation to each other rather than get to know us as individuals (Veronica is the quiet one, Ermintrude is the pretty one and so on), and that probably inhibited our social development slightly. I remember finding it strange to leave home and have to introduce myself to strangers and explain who I was without also explaining that I was Gertie and Ermie's sister (all names have been changed btw). Obviously I love my sisters and wouldn't have wanted to grow up without them, but both types of family size have strong advantages to my mind.

The difficulty with the spoilt stereotypes is that they tend to be perpetuated by people who have had more than one child and who are to some extent justifying the choice they have made. And since all children have tantrums and behave badly to get what they want at times there will always be some incident they can point to in any individual child's case and say 'See! I told you s/he was spoilt'. So if you do have just the one, you should anticipate that some know-it-alls will judge, just because they can. And it will drive you nuts. But I've already been told by my brother-in-law that people like me who think they'd like two are destroying the planet so I reckon you'll get it in the neck whatever you decide.

I'm on pregnancy number one. We think we'd like another one, but if that isn't possible, I reckon that one is a good number.

Oops OP, it's easy to put your foot in your mouth on MN when it comes to certain subjects - I've done it myself and was very upset to be flamed over something I naively thought was a bit of light-hearted fun, but others found offensive.

FWIW I know some lovely, generous only children and others from larger families who are selfish s*s - and vice versa. It all depends on how the child is raised and their fundamental personality, IMO.

One thing that's tricky for the only children I know (when they are adults) is dealing with the needs of ailing older parents with no sibling support. They also miss out on the chance of that special sibling relationship (although not all siblings get on, of course) - otherwise no, no reason why a decision to have a single child should be any more selfish than any alternative decision.

OP- I am an only child, daughter of an only child father, and with an only child of my own.

My daughter has just had her first school report, the teacher said she is chatty (often too much) sociable (too much, teacher has to go and get her out of the loo as she's busy making friends from other classes) independent, entrepreneurial expresses herself like a 12 year old, knows completely how to manage any situation thrown at her, is a leader, and the spokesperson for the whole group. If that is as a result of her being spoilt, then so be it. (It wasn't. It isn't.)

There are spoilt and lonely only children. There are spoilt and lonely children with siblings. There are spoilt and lonely children from single parent families in council houses. There are spoilt and lonely children in mansions wearing Chanel pants and going to Eton.

It doesn't matter how many children you have. It's what you do with them, and how you bring them up that counts.

Erm, how offensive to us only children! No, I'm not spoilt and thank [insert name of diety here] I am an only child so my parents could only mess up one of us.

Children are spoiled by parents regardless of how many siblings there may be.

FlouncingOffInTheRedHuffMobileTiggaxx

Poor OP! You've been skinned alive!!

If I compare my upbringing (1 of 3 - eldest) and my DH (only child), I think I'm the one who was and is still the one who is spoilt by the parents!! (as are bro and sis!)

We're currently having our first baby! As long as this birth doesn't scar me for life and we're able to concieve again I would love another 1 or 2. I loved growing up with siblings. But equally my husband loved growing up on his own.

It doesn't matter if there are siblings or not, it matters that children are loved and provided for.

Having felt increasingly uncomfortable by some of the posts I've read on here recently, it was very interesting to read this article in todays Sunday Times. I think some of the posters on here would benefit from reading it too.....

technology.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/tech_and_web/the_web/article7026100.ece

Sorry the link doesn't seem to have worked, but it's on the front page of TimesOnline, an article by Isabel Oakeshott entitled, 'The bullies hiding behind Mumsnet's skirts' If someone else is more computer literate and can post a proper link, that would be great.

Ah, you mean this

Interesting.

Message withdrawn

all the crap you here about only children - is exactly that a load of crap

It really doesn't make you a better or less person for not having any siblings.

it may be that the parents of an only child couldn't concieve agian and get really pissed of with people coming up with the most bizzare things about only children.

I am a member of another forum - nothing to do with parenting - and very, very occasionally, issues arise with bullying and malice. I think it's down to the fact that the internet makes you faceless, so it is so much easier to just fire out words in a way that you wouldn't do if you were face to face with someone. I think it can be a good idea for people to ask themselves what they would say if this was a conversation in a cafe or something, rather than online. Sorry, I'm aware that is coming across as a bit sanctimonious. I'm really not into telling folk how to behave - do what you want, of course! It's just that it's an approach that works for me if I find myelf annoyed by a post.