I upset DH [sad]

[FJMi]

Having read the thread "inlaws" I decided to have a chat to DH and clarify that I would like it if we could spend the first two weeks after our first baby is born by ourselves. Since he will be on paternity leave and I'll have all the time to spend with the families after!

His response was "If you can tell your mum to stay away I'll tell mine to!"

Am I being unreasonable in thinking its not the same! I am infinitely more comfortable with my mum looking after me after the birth than my inlaw! Is he right to expect his mum there if my mum is around? Isn't it about what I want at that time?!

But what upset me most was that he didn't seem to want that alone time that I was talking about! He loves his family sharing everything with us!

I'm just venting. emotional I guess.

It will be quite hard for you to keep both mums away for 2 weeks, I would think. Can't you have 1 week of "just the 3 of you" and then allow the mums in?

Actually, by then, you might appreciate having some other help.

But he has a point - why should he put up with your mum being there if his isn't allowed to be - and how hurt will your MIL be if she is kept away?

You are not asking for just you time though are you? You want time with your DH and your family, but not his.

I am not sure you can ask for that really. Well you can, but I am not sure I would expect him not to be upset.

2 weeks without anyone at all visiting is a long time. And I am not entirely sure its all about what you want? It is his child too.

another very important point is that it can happen that new dads feel quite left out when the baby arrives - all that mother-baby bonding, especially if you bf. Having YOUR mum there will increase any potential feeling of isolation if he isn't allowed to have his own family support.

yes it is to some extent about what you want but it is also about him - he is as much a new parent as you and will need to adjust too.

I'd say its pretty normal he would want to share having a new baby with his parents too... Not to mention how worried he would be he'd hurt his Mother's feelings to say stay away. I would be gutted if my DS grew up and said that one day. It is not just about you, its about your whole family. The birth - fair enough - you dictate who is there. But you are a family with him, you are not the queen bee! It sounds like you are being extraordinarily selfish. Do you mean not let the inlaws see the baby for the 1st 2 weeks or are we talking about them staying at your house? Houseguests I can see being a problem but visits, that is unreasonable.

Neither of you are "right" - your needs are very important but it about what your DH wants as well - it isn't unreasonable that his family shoudl see his child

you can of course limit visits

you have to do what you both feel comfortable with - it would be very unfair on his mum if she wasn't able to see the baby

your MIL may be a huge help? FWIW, you may be very grateful for an extra pair of hands or two after the birth

I didn't mean for them to be away for the whole of the 2 weeks. I said I didn't want them there everyday.

I know, you are right. I think I'm being selfish. I just have this image of everyone around while I'm trying to recover/rest and everyone telling me to do things differently.
I guess I shouldn't say anything until I'm in the situation.

I think its a very hard and fast decision that you've made which is risky as you have no idea what you'll feel like when your baby has arrived.
You don't know what type of birth you'll have (if its a c-section you'll be in hospital for a few days after) and what sort of help you'll need. I don't think its fair to say no one else is allowed for the first 2 weeks as from exp everyone (including grandparents) will want to come and meet the new arrival. And ultimately why shouldn't they - its the newest member of the family and they'll all be excited, don't deny them that.
Maybe as a compromise you could say that you don't want to be inundated with visitors and you'd feel more comfortable with arranged visits in the first few days.

singstar- you are very right. I think I feel most guilty now for bringing it up in the first place because like you say I may feel completely different at the time as its my first and i dont know what to expect.

Also this is the first grandchild on both sides

Hi there - I can completely understand how you feel... but it isn't terribly fair to your husband... and it may leave your MIL with a real sense of being left out (that is ongoing) if she finds out that your mother is allowed to visit and she isn't.

I know it is difficult, but from reading your other post, it sounds like you might need to develop some healthier 'boundaries' around your MIL's behaviours rather than ban her from visiting at all. Perhaps you can put some safeguards in place, that your DH husband enforces, that you agree that you fairly apply to both mums e.g. like how long they stay, who makes them cups of tea etc.

I know it is hard but if she is doing things you don't like e.g. monopolising the baby etc. couldn't you just retreat to your bedroom with the baby saying you both need a little rest/to feed etc.... and get your DH to support you.

I have had a lot of problems with my husbands family, and it took a long time for my DH to learn to back me up (for complicated reasons). It was very painful for a while but now we back each other up (my family are difficult in a different way!) and try and treat both of the PIL equally (as far as it's possible).

I think starting a family is often the start of a real challenge with all the extended family, roles change, boundaries need to be changed and set... but if you manage to sort some of these things out early on (which can be painful), rather than just avoid them, then you might be able to accept help from them too, help that might be useful. You might also be helping the relationship your child will have with their grandparents...

If it helps I gave birth to a first grandchild and wanted to be alone for the first 2 weeks. That is, I did until I gave birth and was confined to hospital for a week after delivering. I was desperate to see people when I got out and wanted to show off my PFB to the world. It was also lovely to hand over the baby to grandparents for an hour or so and have a much needed sleep. DH didn't feel overly confident in having sole responsibility but was fine with his parents around.

I haven't read the other post so don't know the specifics but I can say that in my own personal experience and difficult relationship (at times ) with PIL its very easy to let what you want to do overtake what you should do.

You know from your posts that yabu even though it might well be understandable. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person, smile and let it happen (even if you are screaming 'get out' inside )

my opinion is that i would want my own mum there because she gave birth to me and therefore has first-hand experience of being with me at intimate moments.
i wouldn't want the father's mother around because she's not had that and i don't know if she'd be supportive or interferring (and do i really want some other woman looking at me when i might be [whispers] semi-naked?)

i'd have no problems with MIL visiting and spending time with her own son, and seeing the baby too, of course, but i imagine that the first few weeks are a very trying time, emotionally and physically and i'd just want my mummy there to help me through it.

Completely agree llareggub - was exactly the same for me and at the time I was having horrible time with pil, but certainly appreciated being able to leave dh and them cooing over PFB while I went off to sleep!

I have two sons and would be gutted in future if their partner didn't want me to share in the joy of a new baby for the first two weeks - but the other grandparents were welcome. Obviously setting boundaries is one thing - but no visit at all is madness and pretty mean.
One of the nicest things about having a newborn is showing them off! How you feel now will be completely different to how you feel once the baby is here.
Please think carefully before alienating your MIL and DH.

from my perspective (very different experience I know) - my mum had died while I was pg, and my MIL lived overseas so we invited her to come over just prior to EDD and stay for 2m. (hears vague cries of "were you mad??!!)

Actually it wasn't too bad - I spent lots of lovely bonding time with DS, just as well because bf'ing took forever (he had tonguetie) and DH and his Ma just got on with other stuff.
I had hospital appts that I had to go to, leaving DS with DH and MIL wasn't anything like as scary as leaving him just with DH would have been.

The only real downsides were the searing jealousy I got whenever MIL had hold of DS for too long and said things that I just didn't like the sound of ("he's filling his duds" was a prime irritant); and that DH didn't have a baptism of fire in taking care of DS when I wasn't around. When MIL went home, he was already back at work of course - so we had a fairly loud "discussion" about who got to pick up the slack - MIL had been Very Useful in doing kitchen clean-ups, washing nappies and we missed it when she went!

When you've had your baby, you might feel very differently anyway and be glad of any help you can get - but you might also want to scream and tell them all to sod off and let you learn to do it your way! Both are normal reactions

Hi I think you need the support around you after the birth. I had a c-section so was glad of people popping round and cooing over my dd. Suprprisingly it wasent all about the baby eg my mam made tea for us nearly every night and bought it round to heat up, mother in law came and did the washing and ironing, i didnt feel they smothered us but helped.

Fast forward 4 years and i wish my mother in law would take a little bit of interest in her granddaughter, never mind come and do my ironing!!

You feel like that now... Just make sure you have your privacy in your bedroom and bathroom. Guests can be ignored and used as a new mum! you will be able to leave newborn baby with the grandparents and go have a lie down with DP (because you didn't get enough sleep last night) and again get DP to help you run a bath and light candles... WHAT you could talk with him about - which I remember is that they should take the opportunity of having all that family there to ASK For Help with cooking cleaning etc. My DP despite being ill was going out buying alcoholic drinks and meeting people at the tube station, I was horrified as my house filled with distant 'family'. Don't feel like you have to spend lots of time with everyone, you can have lie ins in bed, DP can bring you breakfast in bed, you can go out for a little walk and don't have to worry about taking baby out before you are ready. Take advantage of this!

My preference would be for a mass visit in hospital, so that everyone important has seen the newborn and had a hold, but in a situation where there are strict rules about staying too long.

Once you're home, it's probably best to wait and see how you feel. If you've had a rough delivery, or you are having problems with breastfeeding, then it puts a different spin on things. I made sure that my ILs saw both my DDs shortly after birth, but wanted my Mum to look after me when she came around (which wasn't that often, to be honest). MIL had other commitments and so couldn't do that, and I was daft enough to tell DH that I would have been uncomfortable with it. He was very offended. I think because he couldn't see that it wasn't about the grandchild at all, it was about me. I am 100% in favour of all grandparents being equal, but I didn't want someone to look after the baby, I wanted someone to be sympathetic about my horrible stitching and to not mind my breasts out 24/7 as my babies cluster-fed. ILs are very traditional and I would have ended up marching up and dowm stairs to feed in the bedroom. In fact, when they visited, that is what I ended up doing and my recovery took a real down-turn as a result with lots of fresh bleeding and exhaustion.

I'm expecting 'the first grandchild' and I told DH a couple of weeks ago that the only people I wanted round me full time after the baby is born were him and my own mum. He's doing the two weeks straight after the birth, then when he goes back to work my mum is coming for a week.

He was absolutely fine with this as he understood that I didn't want to be whipping my tits out in front of his parents, who are extremely religious and traditional and added to which I don't think MIL breastfed.

The difference being, however, is that I've not said that the ILs can't visit. They can and will do, despite the fact it will be a nightmare because I will be expected to be polite however shit I am feeling and no doubt MIL will go onandonandonandon about how I am so lucky to have DH with me, how difficult it was for her, etc, etc, much as she has throughout my pregnancy. And I will be amazed if they make so much as one cup of tea.

But, DH will want them to see the new baby and it is his baby as well. He has lots of relatives I would be quite happy to never see ever again and don't particularly want anywhere near me when I've got the inevitable baby blues, but I can't ban anyone and wouldn't want to.

I think you've just got to strike a balance here. They can come, but you want some warning beforehand. If things get difficult for you during the visit, your DH has to tell people (politely) that it would be better if they left and came again another time.

I think if it's just a few visits during the day it's not so bad. We've banned visitors for the fist 2 weeks (currently expecting our first), but only because we live abroad, and I don't want DH's paternity leave to be taken up with my parents or IL's visiting. We've agreed that my parents will come while I'm in hospital to see the baby (their 1st grandchild), as I'll be in 5 days. When I come home, and DH starts paternity leave, we'll be on our own. The IL's will come about 6 weeks after to stay for a few days (their 3rd grandchild, so aren't so bothered), and my mum might come back and stay once DH has gone back to work. We've been very clear about our reasons - not wanting to fuss about visitors, making dinner etc and a new baby - and have been pleasantly surprised how well everyone's accepted it.

That said, I think if we were in the UK, it would be pretty hard to keep people away. Why not try and get people to agree to visiting at certain times, or separately, so you don't have to cope with too many people at once?

I really, really think you are being unbelievably unreasonable. Your child will be your DH's child as well - why should his parents be denied a chance to see it when yours will be there ? If I tried to prevent my pil from seeing our DC after she's born in January I would be getting divorced as after me, they are the most important people in hubs' life. But there is no way I would expect him to do it.

Yes having a baby is mainly about Mum - but not to the extent that Dad's wishes should be completely swept under the rug. Don't you think he will be proud as punch and desperate to show his baby off to his parents ?

missmajorbanks the inevitable babyblues!

It doesn't mean you will automatically feel depressed or anything. You might already know this but I just wanted to make sure you didn't think 'miserable' comes as standard ! For most people, your walking on air and high for weeks!
Babyblues is usually day 3 or whenever the milk comes in and it is more like uncontrolable weeping over "how beautiful is he/she", "how nice was that midwife", "how good was that cup of tea and toast" along with feeling guilty/sad/overwhelmed/over joyed/hysterical and ecstatic all within a space of 5 minutes!! It should be called Baby Madness.

FJMI I was one of the moaniest on the 'inlaws' thread, I have major issues with mine and would love them all to move abroad!
BUT, do you mean you don't want the in laws (mum & dad) to see the baby at all in 2 weeks?
Even with my shit in laws I couldn't do that to them, they are going to be excited grandparents and that would be soooooo hurtful.
However, if you mean, let them see the baby once then get space for 2 weeks then great idea and explain to DH it won't kill them to give that 2 weeks of space after meeting the baby, the baby isn't going anywhere.
Im sorry but as a mum of a son, I still think it is different with your own mum.
I will understand that when my DS grows up. It's the one and only pit fall of having boys but hopefully I will remember not to be a pain in the ass and might get on with DiL!
Unfortunately mine come with sisters, nieces and nephew all at once, bunch of fecking hillbillies!

I understand that you don't want the il around round the clock every day and that it's different with your mom.
It doesn't sound like you are asking them to not visit at all, which would be unreasonable.
My mil meddles in 'my' job, aka house hold and kids, while she leaves DS to do his job, aka office, by himself. I don;t think he understands how intrusive that can be. (Though I don't let my mom meddle either, which makes it fair and easier to understand for dh)
Anyway, sounds like you have a good plan in letting things happen, then react as need be. Nothing wrong with that.

What's with all this banning people? Is it a new thing? We had fizzy wine, music and non-stop jollity - it was fab!

I never meant that they shouldn't see the baby at all! In fact I very much expect everyone at the hospital at the time of birth and understand it. I dont even mind prearranged visits for a couple of hours here and there. But I'm afraid of daily visits.

MIL is not the type of person to help with any housework. And what scared me is my FIL said once if I call to say I'm coming to see my grandchild you cant say no not today! And MIL and FIL are always together wherever they go. So I just couldn't imagine the thought of having to breastfeed etc with FIL around all the time.