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Original poster

Pregnant at 43 - not sure I want another one

78 replies

CM2 · 12/06/2005 21:43

Find myself unexpectedly pregnant at 43, already have 2 girls 5 and 8 and really don't want to go through it all again. Have really started to enjoy the freedom I have now that they are at school. My hubby would love another one, but says he will support what ever decision I make. Not sure if I could go through with at termination but really don;t want a baby. Anybody else in this situation?

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Original poster
CM2 · 26/06/2005 20:08

Once again thanks for all of your stories and comments. I really don't know what I genuinely feel in my heart. I suppose my age has a lot to do with it, I would be getting on for 50 when the child starts first school and don't know if I will have the energy and patience to go through all those early years again. I suppose also, I have a really happy life at the moment, I play loads of sports, have taken up riding again recently and am in training for a half marathon. We can take the girls anywhere with us now as they don't need constant supervision and my DH & I have started to enjoy our social life again and go away together for the odd weekend alone. It all sounds very selfish, but I am afraid a baby would come along and spoil everything. My fears of having a termination are the regrets that may follow, not that I may have wanted another child after all, but because I know that I would be in effect killing a life inside me that is potentially a brother or sister for my two dds. Also, I am afraid it will destroy something in the relationship I have with my DH. He won't really talk about it anymore, just thinks I should make a decision and stick to it- he is fed up with my indecisiveness. I have'n't dared tell my mum, just think she would be horrified and blame me for getting into the situation in the first place. So I suppose, I am hoping that counselling will give me a magic answer to help me make the decision, or that actually going to the clinic for the termination will help me realise my true feelings.

OP posts:
Xena · 26/06/2005 20:11

Sending you lots of love CM2 and wishing you some peace

Original poster
CM2 · 02/07/2005 12:13

Final update - had my termination appointment booked for today. Then at the last minute decided I couldn't go through with it. So it looks like baby no 3 after all!

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 02/07/2005 12:14

Congratulations

SoupDragon · 02/07/2005 12:14

Good luck, CM2

flashingnose · 02/07/2005 12:25

All the best for you and your family CM2

Mhamai · 02/07/2005 13:30

Best of luck CM2

mancmum · 02/07/2005 13:37

Hopefully your experience today will make you realise just how much you want this baby and you will enjoy the rest of your pg -- wishing you loads of luck in the future...

ggglimpopo · 02/07/2005 14:18

Message withdrawn

colette · 02/07/2005 14:25

Good Luck , I am sure you will have a very special baby. My ds is 2 today and time flies in

lilaclotus · 02/07/2005 14:35

aww that's actually brought tears to my eyes. good luck with your pregnancy and baby {{hug}}

tabitha · 02/07/2005 15:15

Good luck with your pregnancy CM2.
I had dd3 when I was 41 and although it's been hard work going back to nappies, sleepless nights etc after 6 1/2 years, I certainly don't regret it and am probably enjoying her babyhood / toddlerhood more than I did with the other three - maybe because I know she's definitely my last one.

mary123 · 04/07/2005 09:03

All the best with pregnancy CM2 x

QueenFlounce · 04/07/2005 09:22

CM2 - Phew!! Congratulations!

Copper · 04/07/2005 09:37

Very pleased for you. I know my mother got pregnant very unexpectedly when 42 - tried all the homemade tricks like gin and hot baths. But she went on to have my sister and had a whole new lease of life as a result - stayed young at heart way past her own sisters who were over all that much earlier

Marina · 04/07/2005 09:50

CM2, congratulations. For a wide variety of reasons, there are many of us on here who found themselves adding to their families unexpectedly at 40+.
I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and your new baby brings you as much joy as our dd has.
I missed this thread first time round - you got a lot of very helpful advice here.
Aviatrix's posting especially sticks in my mind.

Blu · 04/07/2005 10:16

CM2 - Wishing you all the very best, and I hope that you and your dh can settle down now and enjoy your pregnancy.

Jazzie · 06/07/2005 17:21

Don't want to hijack this thread but in desperate need of some advise....I am a 39 year old married mum of three and I'm awaiting the results of a preg test which I'm absolutely convinced will be positive....nothing too taxing there I hear you all cry ... well, although financially it would cripple us I want to keep the baby but hubbie doesn't. It's causing a serious problem between us and I don't see a way through it. Logic tells me a termination is the answer but my heart and soul tell me I just can't....I don't want to bring a baby in to the world who is anything other than 100% wanted by both parents but I don't think I will every forgive hubbie if he forces me to make a decision I can't live with ..,. anyone got any thoughts/comments/words of wisdom?

triplets · 06/07/2005 17:29

What advice can I give? I had triplets when I was 46, they are now 7! Its exhausting, financially worrying but they are truly special, I have 2 boys and a girl, I waited over 20 years to have a daughter. After losing my son suddenly in 1994 these children are truly a gift I never thought I would have.

tabitha · 06/07/2005 17:31

Hi Jazzie,

I'm sure other people will offer their own words of wisdom, but imo, from what you've said in your post, if you go ahead with the termination you will not only never forgive your husband but probably never forgive yourself either.
Lots of babies are less than 100% wanted during the pregnancy (I speak from experience here ) but are much loved once they arrive, and no matter how bad your financial situation is, you'll manage somehow (again I speak from experience) so I don't think that either of these reasons is enough for you to be talked into/forced into a termination unless that is what you really want to do yourself.
I don't know what to suggest - counselling perhaps - but please think long and hard before you make any decisions you regret.
Good luck.

Blu · 06/07/2005 17:38

Jazzie - so sorry your h is not supportive of you over this.
I certainly don't think you should let things get to a stage where he 'forces' you to have a termination - he can't anyway. If you don't sign a conset form, it can't happen.

But I know what you mean - he will make you feel as if your marriage is at stake, or other serious pressure.

If you are certain that you absolutely want to keep this baby (and I'm not doubting that - please don't think that) then I think you need to behave absolutely in the way that it IS going to happen. Be calm, say that you understand his anxiety about money, but that is something you need to work out together. How should you both best go about it? If that causes big problems for him, then seek counselling together. Maybe do that right now, anyway? Or, if he won't go, for you. Call RElate - you can google to get a number for the service in your area.

I can understand why you are so upset.

Nightynight · 06/07/2005 17:38

Jazzie,
dx didnt want our 4th baby either, but he is great with her now. Your dh might be the same?
my dx used to say "its women who have children not men!" sounds laughable, but I think this was a reflection of how he felt scared by me being pg. He did try to persuade me to have a termination, but he didnt get very far.

CM2 - do you think that once the babe was there, you'd forget your doubts and enjoy it? I havent been there myself, but dont think I could bring myself to have a termination.

Blu · 06/07/2005 17:40

And Jazzie - perhaps don't discuss it further until you have the test result?

Firstly, he may feel differently thinking of a 'real, known' baby inside you, and secondly, you don't need to be acusing upset between you when in actual fact, it may not be necessary.

spidermama · 06/07/2005 17:46

All the best CM2. It's none of my business, but I breathed a sigh of relief upon reading the posting where you decided NOT to go to the termination appointment.
x

babyonboard · 06/07/2005 22:03

I just have to give my two-cents here..
It may be difficult but it seems you have made the decision your heart told you to make.. and i can only speak from the opposite end of things where a few years ago i became pregnant and was just too young to go through with a pregnancy, and didn't feel emotionally ready. I won't spell out what happened. it is something i still think about with a bit of regret every day, and i am sure this will be amplified when my baby is born in a few months. this time i also thought a lot about the implications, and often considered that i was somehow cheating the child i denied a life by continuing and blessing this one, but i realise, now is a right time, and your heart wil always tell you what is right. i may not be in the best financial position right now, but i know that will be the least of my worries, and i will do whatever i can with the help of my family to bring up this baby and love the tiny tot more than anything on this earth.
I really wish you the best..this may be a blessing in disguise to you and your family.
and on a lighter note..at least you can delay the empty nest syndrome for a little while longer!
as my gran always says, you will always stay as young as the day you have your first child...
there is plenty of time ahead for you to enjoy your freedom and be proud of the children you brought into this world and what they have accomplished.