Pregnant at 43 - not sure I want another one

[CM2]

Find myself unexpectedly pregnant at 43, already have 2 girls 5 and 8 and really don't want to go through it all again. Have really started to enjoy the freedom I have now that they are at school. My hubby would love another one, but says he will support what ever decision I make. Not sure if I could go through with at termination but really don;t want a baby. Anybody else in this situation?

No you're not the only one Soupdragon.

Not relevant to this thread at all.

CM2 I had a child not only late in life but a different generation from my first child. Even though she was "planned" I had all the fears you are having. All I can say is you do revisit the baby stuff with all that entails but I am now 8 years down the line and can say its the best thing I ever did.

I agree soupy - not really appropriate for this thread. FACT - many women have fertility problems. FACT - lots of women get pg accidentaly. Some of us women have the 'reverse' problem and are so fertile the prospect of jumping into bed with their DH (even when using protection) is still a worrying prospect.

I understand exactly where you're coming from CM2. We took a long time conceiving both of ours. Dd is now 5 and ds 10 months. I am almost 42 and I really don't want to get pregnant again so dh and I are discussing the sterilisation options. If I did get pregnant now I would be very pissed off and I wouldn't want to be but I still don't think I could terminate - knowing what a precious thing that foetus would turn into. I would want to but I don't think I could do it.
I hope it doesn't come to it because I really wouldn't want to be making the decision you're having to (my dh would love another as well).
Good luck with whatever you decide.

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No i don't feel it was an inappropriate comment i made.

Fact - i wonder how these threads make people who are having fertility problems feel!
It must be gutting to be wanting a baby so desperatley and then read threads like this.

No spite intended, no hurt intended. just honest thinking!

I didn't say the comment itself was inappropriate, just that it was inappropriate to make it on this thread. If you were wondering, start a new thread, don't post it somewhere a person is trying to make a difficult decision.

Message withdrawn

My oldest DS was 9 when I gave birth to his brother. My DH is 50 this year and I am 40. I was very worried about having another child at this age, and the pregnancy did seem a lot harder than the first time round. BUT, what I wanted to say is how much help you will get from your other children. DS1 was an enormous help just doing things like watching the baby and now watching a toddler. We also get to share the baby's development with him so it has added another dimension to the experience of having a baby.

aviatrix..how exciting for you!

I am the youngest of four siblings and was unplanned. My Mum had me when she was 43 and there are 12 years between me and the eldest (5 between me and no. 3). My Mum says that my babyhood was definitely the easiest for her - she was so relaxed, she was practically horizontal, the others were all at school full-time and when they weren't at school, they could be trusted to do everything for me apart from breastfeed . She felt no pressure to be "out there" making friends - we would see a few other Mums with children the same age as me, but otherwise, my socialisation was left to siblings and their friends and nursery when it was time for me to go.

I think my arrival kept my parents younger for longer IYSWIM and from my point of view, they were very relaxed with discipline issues having finely honed their technique over the years.

I can honestly see only a few downsides:

Back to babyhood - yes, not great when you've left it far behind, but you know it flashes by in the grand scheme of things.

Lack of freedom for you - I think you would be much more laid back about taking advantage of childcare if and when it presents itself. Chances are you could afford it more easily now too.

Family occasions/holidays more difficult - undeniably true but weighed up against that is the fact that your two girls would be invaluable helpers to you and older siblings tend to be much more "clucky" and less jealous IYSWIM.

Phew! Of course, the decision is yours (and I don't envy you having to make it) but I just wanted to put the child's POV and hopefully get across that this baby could bring an unexpected but joyful extra dimension to the lives of all your family members.

Best of luck

i found out i was unexpectadly preg in nov of 2003, it was a complete shock, eldest was 12 at the time and youngest was just starting pre-school and i had just been made chair was working more hours etc, im not opposed to abortion, but i personally couldnt face the prospect of terminating the preg, dh and i discussed it, being baby number 4 meant it would be a big financial upheaval but we carried on, shes nearly one now and i cant imagine not having her, im gladshe happened.good luck with whatever you decide, but remeber to do what isright for you, follow your heart and you will get your answer.

Just the flipside of flashingnose's point of view. I am the eldest of 4 with twins 2 years younger than me and then a 13 year gap to my little sister (who is now 28!) I loved being a big sister and doing all sorts of things with my sister, both as a baby and as she grew up. We are probably the closest of all 4 of us now and her reaction to finding out that I was pg for the 1st time at 40, (when she had stopped screaming!) was to say that I was a brilliant big sister and that she was sure I would make a great mum - makes me weepy even now!!

However I am also pregnant again and will be 43 when the baby turns up. The idea of being the mum of a newborn and a toddler when a lot of women my age are looking forward to children leaving the nest is more than a little daunting!!

Good luck with your decision CM2

Thanks for all of your comments, it has been really great to hear so many positive thoughts. I am coming round to the idea of having the baby, even though I am not exactly thrilled at the idea. I don't honestly think I could go through with a termination, having had 2 children already and knowing at what stage of its development (8 weeks) the baby is already. As one lady pointed out, you can never go back to the point you were at before the decision, so I might as well go forward and try and be as positive as possible.

the thing to do is fast forward and imagine yourself a year from now, imagine both scenarios, one;you kept the baby, two; you didnt, which picture do you like the best?
dont worry a bout your friends they will prob come over all broody and be oblidging babysitters!

CM2 can I wish you the very best of luck

CM2,
Get the other children involved! When my gran had a baby at 47, she had four teenage kids who absolutely doted on 'the baby', which he still is, even in his early 50s now. Gran said he was her easiest to bring up, b/c her kids looked after him but were too old to be interested in fighting with him.

Best of luck to you!

good luck, my mum had my brother when she was 44, and he has been a joy and a blessing to them. There is 20 years between me (eldest) and him and it keeps me young, never mind them

This link- www.ferre.org/workbook/index.html, will take you to a politically neutral (not pro or anti choice) workbook you can use to help you come to an informed and empowered decision about your options in this pregnancy.

I link to this because, from personal experience, I know how difficult it is to make a decision isn't horribly influenced by everyone elses opinions and not your own. Good luck.

Just in case anyone is still interested - still haven't made a definite decision. My counselling appointment has only just come through for next weeek, by which tine I will be 10 weeks prg. I thought by now I would start to feel maternal, etc. but I don't. Just regret that it has happened. I don't know what will happen at counelling but hope that it will help me sort my head out.

All the best CM2 - I really hope the counselling helps.

Hi CM2, I thought id reply to you on this thread. I felt exactly the same as you. I have a 8mth dd and fell pregnant unpexpectedly i was in complete shock and horror. Although I love being a mum to dd, I didnt feel ready to have another baby so soon. I felt as if I was just starting to get my life back dd has only just started to sleep through and I was only just begining to cut down on bfing.I had an awful first pregnancy and mild pnd and didnt feel prepared to got through that again plus my dh is in the forces and i didnt think I could manage alone.

No matter how hard i tried i couldnt get excited about being pregnant.I was completely scared about going through the whole thing again. I knew that i didnt want to have the baby but at the same time i didnt think i could handle having an abortion. In the end i decided to go through with the process of having an abortion, i knew that on the day of the procedure that would be the time that i would make my decision iykwim. TBH i didnt think i would go through with it i had hope that being at the clinic would make me realise that i wanted to keep the baby but it didnt.It never felt right for me.I dont regret it but i do feel sad as i do want more children in the future i just wish it hadnt happened now.

CM2, listen to your heart, if its telling you that you just cant go through with this preg, then do whats right for you, at the end of the day, itsyou that has to carry the baby, give birth and bring it up for many years to come, im a bit horrified by how slow thingshave been though as the further your preg advances, the more difficult it will be to terminate if thats the decision you choose, most hospitals will not terminate preg after 11/12 weeks these days unless for abnormality, i wish you all the best, do keep us informed on the decision you make.do not allow yourself to be pressurised into any decision that does not feel right.
spacecadet.

I had wondered CM2 - very sorry that things are taking so long. XXX

CM2 - are you looking for counselling to somehow validate or 'approve' a decision you have in your heart? Or are you genuinely undecided? What are you afraid of if you decide on a termination? What are you afraid of if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy? Is it worth having a termination because you don't see yourself starting the motherhood cycle again, is it worth going ahead with the pregnancy becuase you can't face a termination? It might be useful to hear your own voice talk about how you feel?
Sorry you are in this situation.
How is your DH reacting as time goes on? Does his reaction feel like pressure, or support?

CM2 I've been where you are now. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 38 when my children were teenagers. I felt ghastly- ill and tired- and allowed my mum and DH to talk me into an abortion by flagging up all the reasons why we couldn't possibly start again. Main one of which is we need both full time salaries to both pay the mortgage and eat.

I had counselling locally and counselling at the clinic. I realise now that I was waiting for someone to give me "permission" to have the baby, but all took my explanations as to why I couldn't as perfectly valid.

I sat in the clinic waiting, and thought that I really didn't want to do it and that perhaps they would somehow "miss" it. Thinking about it now I suppose I wanted someone to take the decision away. I knew that if I had the baby and later had any problems, the 2 people I would normally turn to would say "you insisted on having it- get on with it" (and they both would). It sounds like you wouldn't have this pressure from your DH?

I was just under 11 weeks which was as late as I dared leave it.

Since I had mine a lot of the huge barriers to having the baby have melted away on their own and my dh has decided that actually he does want another after all. It has put a huge wedge between us because I still blame him for what happened, and he can't talk about it. My mum is also being very insensitive on the subject of babies and seems to be trying to pretend it never happened.

After all this waffling, all I would say is don't expect counselling to give you the answers. You need to be really sure of how you feel and what you really want to do. Please also be totally honest with your counsellor. I didn't mention that I wanted permission to have it. If you really think it through and decide that no you definitely don't want to do it again then you won't have the regrets I've been left with.