Aged 41 with time running out - why can't I be sure I want/don't want to have a baby?

[Tara68]

Hi

I'm new here so apologies if I've posted in the wrong place or have lots of stupid questions. I just really need to try and rationalise how I feel and talk(hopefully) to woman who've experienced aomething similar.

I'm 41 - happily married 20 years and have a great (if pretty high pressure) job, nice big house in the country and a couple of holidays a year so no money, relationship worries or anything like that.

Since I was a teenager I've been certain I never wanted to be a mum. Now in the last few months I'm thinking about it 24/7. It's not that I've suddenly decided I must have a baby - it's just that I can't think about anything other than pregnancy and birth.
My husband has always supported my decision not to have children but equally would be delighted if I decided I did wan't one.

I feel like I'm going mad and I'm really scared that I'm only questioning this because of my age and the fact that the "choice" may not be there for any longer.

I'm a really logical person so I mentioned this to my GP when I was there on another matter - she went ballistic - said at 41 I shouldn't even be thinking about pregnancy, it was irresponsible, and people like me who put their careers and material possessions first then finally decided at a ridiculously late age they wanted a baby were a drain on the NHS. I'm fit and healthy (in fact fitter than I was at 31) - don't smoke and drink, have never been ill or hospitalised.

The other thing is I'm absolutely terrified at the prospect of giving birth and I know getting information is good but the more I find out the more frightened I am. I've always been afraid. When I was terrified at age 25 I thought I might get past that stage but I'm getting worst. I know it's pathetic but I just can't help it, I'm a grown woman sitting here typing and crying hysterically at the very thought of childbirth. It's so bad I would seriously consider paying someone to have a baby for me if I thought I could but that's not the real world.

I'm really sorry this is a long and pathetic post but I can't talk to anyone about it - I couldn't discuss it with my mum or childless sister and my close friends think I just need to "get a grip" and get on with it as "there's nothing to it" - I just need to talk to people who won't prejudge me and may be able to help.

Thanks

Tara

Hey, if all that's stopping you is the thought of stretchy grey underwear: G STRING&mci=&size=&colour= Tada!!

Try again

Tada!!

Tara, I'm afraid I haven't read all this thread but on the childbirth thing - it isn't that bad (to use a cliche people wouldn't have two or three or more if it was).

There is lots you can do to calm yourself in preparation for the birth, hypnotherepy etc. I personally wouldn't consider going private (I do have the money) have had a hospital birth and a home birth, the second homebirth was the best but both were fine.

Lastly don't read too many threads on childbirth problems - people who have issues often write about it, people who don't have issues don't... I didn't have any issues with either birth....

Hi Tara,
I've not read everyone's responses... just your original message so I may be repeating what so many people have already said.

I will be 40 in May next yr & am expecting my 1st baby this December & can honestly say pregnancy is one of the most beautiful experiences I've been through. yes its life changing but when you feel that baby kicking away inside of you & feel its part of you its just something you have to experience. Yes I agree that it is probably more difficult for us older mum's post birth as we are not spring chickens anymore. But honestly if your GP had said that to me I would have probably hit her!! (no I'm not violent/or go round hitting people) but some of us don't have the choice to have children at 20! I only met my husband 3yrs ago & married at 38, we've been married 1 yr this month & I didn't have the option to have a baby when was younger as I hadn't met the right person.

I really think that you should do what you feel and not what others are telling you. I'm also terrified of giving birth... but don't let it put you off the experience of pregnancy is wonderful...

good luck!

Tara68 The fact that you are on here says to me you are ready. Dosnt matter about your age, but you do need to get on with it! Otherwise time will run out. All the things you are worrying about are perfectly normal, and even though I am 10 weeks pregnant with no 3, I am still feeling scared, anxious and unsure. And as for the childbirth, yes its awful but with dc2 it was a doddle! I have 2 Ds and although they have been hard work they are an absoloute joy and I couldnt imagine life without children, Ds1 wasnt planned, but he is my buddy, he is 12 and we do everything together, my youngest is 8 and hes very loving but VERY hardwork. But there lives become your lives in a good way. My husband and I go out every weekend either alone or with friends, as I believe children shouldnt change your lives totally but you fit them into yours. Albeit it is difficult sometimes but go for it. You wont regret a child but you will regret not having one if you are feeling the way you are now. Good luck x Keep us posted