Aged 41 with time running out - why can't I be sure I want/don't want to have a baby?

[Tara68]

Hi

I'm new here so apologies if I've posted in the wrong place or have lots of stupid questions. I just really need to try and rationalise how I feel and talk(hopefully) to woman who've experienced aomething similar.

I'm 41 - happily married 20 years and have a great (if pretty high pressure) job, nice big house in the country and a couple of holidays a year so no money, relationship worries or anything like that.

Since I was a teenager I've been certain I never wanted to be a mum. Now in the last few months I'm thinking about it 24/7. It's not that I've suddenly decided I must have a baby - it's just that I can't think about anything other than pregnancy and birth.
My husband has always supported my decision not to have children but equally would be delighted if I decided I did wan't one.

I feel like I'm going mad and I'm really scared that I'm only questioning this because of my age and the fact that the "choice" may not be there for any longer.

I'm a really logical person so I mentioned this to my GP when I was there on another matter - she went ballistic - said at 41 I shouldn't even be thinking about pregnancy, it was irresponsible, and people like me who put their careers and material possessions first then finally decided at a ridiculously late age they wanted a baby were a drain on the NHS. I'm fit and healthy (in fact fitter than I was at 31) - don't smoke and drink, have never been ill or hospitalised.

The other thing is I'm absolutely terrified at the prospect of giving birth and I know getting information is good but the more I find out the more frightened I am. I've always been afraid. When I was terrified at age 25 I thought I might get past that stage but I'm getting worst. I know it's pathetic but I just can't help it, I'm a grown woman sitting here typing and crying hysterically at the very thought of childbirth. It's so bad I would seriously consider paying someone to have a baby for me if I thought I could but that's not the real world.

I'm really sorry this is a long and pathetic post but I can't talk to anyone about it - I couldn't discuss it with my mum or childless sister and my close friends think I just need to "get a grip" and get on with it as "there's nothing to it" - I just need to talk to people who won't prejudge me and may be able to help.

Thanks

Tara

Hey Tara, poor you. Maybe you should look at it as just another project..some risks you can mitigate against, others you just have to accept and monitor.

If you really are genuinely terrified of giving birth, most midwives would refer you to a sympathetic consultant. If not, you've always got the Portland as contingency...I am sure they could work something out so you didn't have to go to London for all your appointments.

If you do decide to go ahead, be aware of the risks of birth defects. I was shocked when I saw the abortion rate for the over 40's. It is very high (I remember 30%) and I presume this is as a result of birth defects. The screening process is quite nerve racking and prolonged. This one you have to just accept - but still the odds are actually still in your favour.

May not be able to conceive? Well you don't know til you try! I am 41 yer old, Prince II qualified and 21 weeks pregnant here so it is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Good luck!

I don't understand the issue with having a baby at 41? You're not about to start wearing underskirts and sloggies for goodness sake.

If you don't have a baby after you've had this change of heart, you will always wonder and you will regret it. Clearly it's just that you have reached the right time in your life to procreate.

Get a new GP, yours is crap.

"she went ballistic - said at 41 I shouldn't even be thinking about pregnancy, it was irresponsible, and people like me who put their careers and material possessions first then finally decided at a ridiculously late age they wanted a baby were a drain on the NHS"

Obviously you are going to change Doctors?

mrsboogie, you summed it up fantastically!

Totally, is there something wrong with sloggies? I'm 41 - I have sloggies. If these are the new Fruitshoot I will just kill myself now!

Hehehe portofino sloggies are for grandmas! You're not allowed to wear them yet by law. Although my best friend's biggest secret is that she has been wearing them since she was 18 as her nan buys her them and they're 'comfy'

I think you'll not regret having a baby but may well regret not having one. A baby can make a life so different but so very valuable and wonderful.

Tara whatever you decide to do don't let the GP put you off. I'm pg with my 3rd at 39 having dithered a bit about whether to have another one, and have lots of friends who are 40/41 and pg / considering it. Lots of my friends at school had baby siblings arriving when they were teenagers - and they had SAHMs so it's entirely normal and has always been the case, not just a reflection of the fact that women are now allowed to have a career . At least you have a supportive partner so whatever you decide you will be fine.

As for giving birth, the best advice I was given was to read about it once and then try not to think about it because you have no way of knowing in advance how easy / difficult it will be, or how you will react - but it will be over in a day or so (maximum) so is not as important as how you feel about the way the rest of your life is going.

I am 41 and pregnant with number two on the third try via a natural donor insemination cycle (our only option as my dh is sterile). I have high FSH, and it certainly wasn't a major issue for me in getting pregnant - it is only really an issue if you need IVF. Why not just try naturally and see what happens, drawing the line at IVF. Then if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen and 'not meant to be'.

Hi Tara,

some good advice already, particularly about all the taxes you have paid over the years and if you are entitled to be a drain on the NHS if you want to have a baby!

I suppose the one thing I would ask yourself, is would you regret not having a baby? or at least giving it a go?

If you do decided you want to become pregnant, how well do you think you could cope with whatever nature throws at you? It's great you are fit and healthy, but nature isn't kind, and there are many complications that could arise -miscarriage, baby born with problems - and of course these things can all happen to a younger mother, but the odds change the older you get.

Or of course you could become pregnant and have a baby and everything go swimmingly

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I hope your decision brings you peace.

and if the fear of childbirth is what is stopping you don't let it. By the time you get to the end of 40 weeks you would be so bleedin' sick of it all (because let's face it, pregnancy is uncomfortable and usually not very pleasant alot of the time) you won't care if someone said they were going to dig the baby out with a rusty spoon. And, once its over your brain does a wonderful trick to make sure you won't be put off doing it again, and makes you forget the whole thing.

Yes if it's the fear of childbirth, then it may help to look into your options - hypnobirthing techniques, a doula, epidural, - chance will play a huge part in what happens but you do have choices and can plan to a certain extent.

Hi there. Not in same situationas you, but felt I must post.

Firstly, I cannot believe how unsymopathetic and rude your GP was. Complain and then find a new doctor!

Secondly, I think you have to think beyond pregnancy and birth. That is just a tiny part of motherhood 9and the fear of childbirth etc can be dealt with with the right support and info).

Do you want a child? A family? When you look forward 10 years, do you see yourself relaxing in the garden having a quiet drink with just your husband, or do you see yourself tucking a child/children up in bed at night after a busy day being a mum? That's the real question you need to answer.

Well, I'm very happy to pay taxes for you to have a baby, there are few things I would rather pay for in fact (Trident or babies? Trident or babies? hmmmm.....) And if you do get pregnant, you may well have no complications or special expenses at all. Lots of healthy 40+ mums out there. I'd imagine the GP has had some traumatic fertility issues herself, which is very sad but she really ought to sort that out herself.

Childbirth needs bravery, there is no doubt about it, but the funny thing is that there is often a moment in the birth where something in your head just says 'OK whatever this feels like I am just going to have to get on with it' and that IMO is (one of) the moments when you become a mother. It's quite liberating in its way. I have heard many recommendations of hypnobirthing and if I'd had a second child would definitely have checked it out.

Life with children is frequently crap tbh but it is a bit like a gorgeous juicy home-grown apple with a few rotten bits and a worm or two - it beats the rock-hard Granny Smith with no flavour from the shop down to the ground anyway.

As long as your dh is reasonably on board about this, I think why not have a go?

I've just read that again and wish to make clear that it is of course extremely possible to have a flavourful life without children. It was MY life before children that was rock-hard and flavourless.

Sorry to butt in and share my opinion I totally agree with the last comment about Doctors. I tend to steer clear of them unless I need sewing up! And even then you're likely to get MRSA!

I suspect Tara that you have a clearer opinion now on what you want but that's the point on children and love, it's all emotive and not rational. If you want control don't have children but if you want to feel the most enormous love and be loved in return to a depth you never thought existed then go ahead (of course there are exceptions). Age shouldn't be a factor, though it could be an obstacle to overcome.

I had DD at 41 not planned and a surprise, had never had a desire for children but when she came along it was/is amazing and I wonder why I didn't think about it sooner (not always roses though!).

As for childbirth I was terrified, hate pain and was critized by a friend as too posh to push, my doctor wouldn't let me have a CS(she was a good one). Had a natural childbirth with no pain relief and lived to tell the tale - fear is more painful than reality, glad I did it that way too for her as well as me. I had a another friend who did the hypnotherapy and it really helped her so there is lots of help out there.

I wish you luck in whatever you chose and it's great to think about it so much we need children in this world who are wanted and loved and to not have a child is also fantastic.

DH is a project manager and spends too much time in his head - do you? If so what about yoga great for balancing and getting you back into your body.

Is there any chance your GP has issues of her own in this dept? I had a similarish convo with my GP when I became accidentally pregnant at 35 with a very exciting career, social life etc and was unsure whether to keep it. She told me in no uncertain terms to have the baby and to stop being such a spoilt "I want it all on my terms" woman and she was absolutely right. In hindsight I realised she was single and late thirties and probably not impressed by someone like me dithering away when she would have so dearly loved to have been in my shoes. Not saying your GP acted well btw (mine didn't go ballistic) just that possibly she had reasons for her outburst.

Whatever her personal situation, I'm sure what irked her was the assumption so many women have that the decision to have a baby is down to you. At 41, there is a strong chance it simply may not happen however fit you are and a lot of women see Cherie Blair/Madonna and co having babies in their late forties and just presume they can procreate when they fancy.

It sounds to me like you want to go there and should just chuck away your pills and see what happens but if there's no joy after six months would you be prepared to go through IVF with all the physical, emotional and financial consequences it entails?

You say you have a niggling doubt motherhood is about more than being organised. You're 100 per cent right. Motherhood is a physical and emotional marathon that never ever ends. Beyond a certain point you cannot control your children, from when they are babies and won't stop screaming, to when they are toddlers who refuse to hold your hand on a busy road, to when they go to school and fall in with a dodgy crowd, to when they fall in love with someone you don't like... It's like living with your heart outside your body and it is the most humbling experience on earth.

Surveys show people who have children very rarely regret having that individual child but a startling high proportion wish that, now they know what's involved, they'd never become parents. However, all the cheesy things about love and joy are also true. Ime, my life would be very boring and I would have been very smug if children hadn't arrived to turn everything upside down. Enough rambling ...

And btw at 41, you should be able to obtain a c section without too many problems. Good luck

Shocked at your gp - can you change to one who is at least professional?

There's lots of options on childbirth - when you're pregnant you might change how you feel - if not you could have an elective cs. Best wishes.

I,m 41 next week and 10 weeks pg with my second child. i had my first at 39.I put it off because I hadn,t met anyone I loved enough to have children with until i was 36, that's just the way my life turned out so I don't like being judged for " putting it off", what was I to do? Have a baby when I was younger to a man I didn,t really love!Woman - we get a rough time for falling pg when we're too young and then again when we're too old!!If you feel the time is right I would advise you to go for it. I love my Ds and cannot imagine life without him albeit I really never have any time of my own now. I figure I,ve had plenty of "me time" throughout my life and this is just a different part and it's great!! Good luck and yes! sack the GP.

Tara Hi, just picked up your thread. I am so about your GP! No-one needs that kind of rubbish, especially as I'm quite sure you are old enough (!) and clever enough to know that there are potential issues.

As Londonlottie says, it's only become 'normal' NOT to have children in your forties since contraception became widespread in our mothers' generation. My grannies had a combined list of 40, 41, 43, 45 and 44 for producing children (between three of them!). I don't live in London, unlike some of the other posters, but I only have one friend who produced in her twenties. Everyone else has their first at 40, 41, 42, 43. Don't wish to sound exclusive but it's a graduate/good job type thing.

BUT one of those friends had to have her tubes cleared at 40, and two others have discoved they are infertile at 39 and 41. SO you don't have a lot of time. If you're going to do this, you need to it right now.

If you are very analytical, perhaps some counselling, as others suggest, may be helpful as long as you can do it quickly.

As for myself, I've been in a very similar position to you and I am now just turned 42 and actively TTC. However, when I started, I found that an awful lot of women have problems (although I'm sure they're over-represented on this site).

What made up my mind in the end is that my up-and-down career has taught me that nothing is certain in this life, we are NOT in control, and sometimes the best rewards come from jumping off the precipice....

Tara - you have received so many wonderful responses on here. Do come back and post and let us know how you are feeling.

I agree with the other posters on here; life with babies/ toddlers is very very hard. It is emotionally and physically draining. Boring at times. Once you have them and they occupy your life, you wonder what you used to do with your life before. Your life will change beyond recognition....but I wouldnt have it any other way. My little man is quite simply the most wonderful person and I feel utterly blessed to have him in my life.

I think the posters who ask where you envisage yourself in 5 to 10 years time are spot on. Think about it....

Thanks to absolutely everyone who has posted replies, I guess when you stick your head in the sand like I've been kind of doing you imagine no-one else could ever be/have been in the same position or could understand so I'm sure I must have sounded a complete wet blanket

I feel a bit calmer about things - I've come to a few decisions - the birth thing I'll deal with if I get pregnant, no point in making myself ill over something that might not actually happen (rightly or wrongly I want to have a CS and I think I may have a real fight on my hands - I know the risks but it comes down to the fact that it doesn't rely on me to cope/not mess up to have a safe outcome).

The what if it doesn't happen ?- that's one thing I am clear in my own mind on - if after a set time it doesn't happen then I go back to the pill - end of story - that way it's not a failure and it's my decision (just the way my mind works) and although I know sometimes a little investigation can reveal something easily rectified I am certain I don't ever want to know whether it was me or my husband who had the "problem"

In terms of disabilities and those types of things I kind of feel that although the risks are higher at 41 than say 21 there's no guarantee that anyone gets a perfect baby regardless of their age so I would deal with that as it arose.

I did order one of those FSH (sp) test kits but to be honest I'm now thinking is there any point? - if it suggests my fertility chances are poor then I don't gain anything that I wouldn't find out my simply trying for a while and if it suggests they are good then it simply gives me an excuse to procrastinate for even longer.

I've managed lots of staff in my career over the years and lost count of the number of times I've lectured some of them that nothing ventured is nothing gained. Time I applied it to me I think.

Thanks all - I'll be back from time to time to give an update (and I won't be back near my GP, or any other, until something happens)

T

BTW - I'm allergic to sloggies and Bridget Jones knickers - please don't tell me there's no sucj thing as a maternity
g-string????? ;o

Tara, I am just posting to add my support.

I am 43, currently expecting DS4 who will be due about 6 weeks before my 44th birthday, yikes! I had my eldest at 37. I was v lucky in that I always conceived fairly quickly without any "help", but there are still times my DH and I cannot believe we are going to have a family of 4 boys! There is no denying biological facts: our fertility is not the same in our forties than when we were younger, however that does not make you infertile. Re risks for the baby, yes they rise too, however the odd are still stacked in their/your favour.

Re FSH, this hormone only tells you whether you are likely to be menopausal or not and can only be measured acurately after 2 or 3 months off the pill, so don't waste you money. As soon as you come off contraception start taking Folic Acid or a pregnancy multivitamin as you could conceive before your first period - or use condoms until you have bled for the first time after the last withdrawal bleed.

In regards to control and planning: just wave that thought bye-bye! I do know incredibly well organised mums, however that depends entirely on the personality of your baby. Everytime I read about some selfmade millionaire SAHM with a young baby at her feet while she builds her empire and exclusively BFing, I go and . That has never been my experience and in fact not being a great fan of babies (I like walking talking children) the more I just went with the flow the more I enjoyed them and the less frazzled I was.

Very, very best of luck to you !!