Average maternity leave - getting in arguments about it!

[rebeccacad]

Hi there - sorry for a long post but want to explain whole picture...

I wondered how much maternity leave those of you who are planning on returning to work are taking?

This is my first pregnancy and I have quite a busy, senior role managing a UK team. I'm only 27 so my parents are v proud and have always encouraged me to succeed. However having grandchildren wasn't in their (or in fact our!) plan at the moment.

My husband and I (been married for 2 and a bit years) are really happy at this surprise and I'm keen to take 6 months leave to really bond with my baby and get used to motherhood and then return for 3 days a week for 3 months before going back full time.

My parents are trying to be excited but are also very concerned about the practicalities. They want us to sell our flat and move somewhere bigger and have offered to lend us some money to help do this which we haven't decided whether we'll do or not (though v grateful for offer).

Today, my mum said that she and my dad thought I was taking a 'very luxurious' amount of maternity leave, that I'd be sidelined in my job (I won't), that if they are going to make sacrifices to help us financially I shouldn't be taking all that time off etc.

I'm trying hard not to be upset, and know that they are concerned for me (their daughter who they love and support) and not yet focused on the baby (still pretty imaginary to them). But am now worried that they are right and am being very selfish and that others will think I'm taking a really luxurious amount of time off.

What do you guys think honestly? We can afford (just!) for me to take the time off, but can't afford big moving costs at the moment with saving for the baby which is where they would help (though we haven't asked them to and they are really pushing us to do this).

How long are you guys taking?

Sorry to ramble...

x

I was in a similar position aged 28 and took 9 months on the basis that I was still being paid for that long albeit reduced amounts (SMP + car allowance continued) plus a month extra in accrued holiday - yay! Planning to do the same again this time round.

If I really had to, I think I could go back with a 7 month old baby but any time before that seemed too soon, but that was because DS would never take a bottle so I wanted to be sure he would drink water from a cup and eat yoghurt and other food before I went back to work. I have friends who have been happy leaving a 4 or 5 month old in childcare and that can work quite well from a separation anxiety point of view.

I went back to work 4 days a week initially but always knew I would want to return full-time. On return to work I was surprised to find I was actually more, not less, career-focused, because if I had to work (which I do) then I was blooming well going to be paid as much as possible. Within a year of returning to work, I found a new job with a 20% payrise.

Everyone's experience is different though and I do think it is too early to decide when your precious baby isn't even in your arms yet. It's really not something to worry about just yet, you don't have to decide now and you have a much more exciting time in your life to look forward too. Your parents will relax, I'm sure, as soon as they meet their grandchild.

Congratulations and wishing you all the best

I took 6 months with ds1 and 8 months with ds2, but with ds1 I returned for 4 days per week after 6 months, with ds2 I returned for 1 day a week till he was a year old and now I'm back for 4 days per week.

I head my own research group and therefore did feel a bit guilty for taking longer with ds2, but in the end, I took the extra time because he had health problems.

The thing is that at the end of the day you can catch up with your career again (even if it takes a small knock in the first year or two), but you can't bring back the first year or two of your child's life. Think of it this way - when you are lyin on your deathbed, which would you regret the most?

When I had ds1 I imagined I'd be rushing back to work when he turned 12 weeks, as it was, I couldn't have gone back a day earlier than I did (but then went on a 5 day trip to the US a week after I started back). Wait till your baby is born and then see how it goes. Make provisions to be away longer and then if you find you are itching to get back sooner then fine you can do that and don't forget your Keep in Touch days which will at least help a little (though I admit, not a lot). I found installing Skype and a webcam for myself and my group allowed me to have regular updates with them and feel like I was being kept informed without a great deal of inconvenience.

You'll find something that works for you, but please make sure it is what works for you and not what works for your parents.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy (and your successful career too ). I've read your OP twice and really don't think it is a question about maternity leave - but about your parents. They didn't 'plan' grandchildren? They are pushing you to move from your flat? They are worried about what your peers / boss think and you are not? They are making 'sacrifices' that you haven't asked them to make. They want you to put your baby with a carer when the baby is tiny (your choice btw - don't want to make a judgment about that) but seem rather unwilling to cut the apron strings to their very successful married 27 year old daughter?

On your actual question - in the big scheme of things 12 months is a tiny amount of time - you'll be working for another 30 odd years!

Having read Belle's post I've re-read your OP too. How essential is it you move out of your flat? Has it one bed or two? Is it on the 6th floor with no lift or anything like that?

Because it seems to me that your parents, while I'm sure you're grateful for the offer, are using this offer of financial help as a bit of leverage. They're entirely wrong about 6 months being "very luxurious", and it bothers me that they're tying your going along with their view on this to financial help with the move, which you seem to be less wedded to than they are.

There's nothing saying you need to move right this minute. I don't know how pregnant you are, but once you've factored in the rest of your pregnancy, and the first year of the baby's life, you've got about 18 months or so before s/he is even toddling - assuming you've got a separate room for him/ her to sleep in? Plenty of time. And also - time for you to work out what you really want / need rather than trying to work out how family life will work for you before it happens.

It's also the case in your late 20s / early 30s that all sorts of things happen career-wise - so unlike your parents' generation, you won't necessarily be buying a house for your family that you stay in until they start school, either.

You've asked for my honest opinion, and here it is - I think you are entirely right, and they are entirely wrong on this occasion. But I also get the impression they are pretty used to getting their own way. There will be a lot of decisions ahead you'll want to take that they disagree with. It might be worth putting a (polite, respectful) line down in the sand now.

6 months is not luxurious, in fact I'd say these days it's on the short side particularly since SMP was extended to 9 months. I took 12 months off then returned to work full time (DS was born in 2007).

I'd agree with poster above about flat - do you really need to move or are your parents using this offer to put pressure on you? Your job really will be waiting for you if you take 6 months off. If you take 12 months off your employers don't have to give you your exact previous role back but they do have to give you comparable employment - in practical terms that usually meane the same thing.

We are seriously considering moving in next couple of years from a detached house in the country to a 2 bed flat in town to cut commute and unnnecessary expense, and our son will be 4 by the time we do that.

I took 6 months off with DD then returned FT and plan to take at least 9 months with this one. I'm also considering returning 4 days a week. I was promoted withing 6 months of returning so it definitely didn't affect my career that way. It did change my priorities though and I now tend to work my lunch to allow me more time at home.
I know some women who've gone back earlier and a few ended up off sick and on ante-depressants because they struggled so much.

After your baby is born you will become fiercely protective of YOUR family unit, so veiled threats from parents wont matter so much. This is your life and your baby. The law's on your side so do what feels right for you and your DH.You'll be the ones left picking up the pieces, changing the nappies and doing the night feeds after all.

Congratulations and enjoy this very special time.

Thanks to everyone who has posted - am now thinking maybe I should plan to take more time rather than less!

It's tricky with my Mum and Dad - they are hugely supportive and helpful in so may ways and have been really happy in their own lives so keen for mine to follow a similar pattern.

DH and I had a chat and have worked out a way of moving that will need a little bit of one-off help from them but much smaller than they are offering and easily paid back. I think we do need to move if possible. It's a roomy flat with a garden but only 1 bedroom so we'll have to move eventually and it'll be easier without a baby in tow! However if we have to stay it's hardly the end of the world.

I think a line in the sand is a good idea and I'm going to talk to them again next week and try not to fall out.

In the end you are all quite correct - this is an issue about my relationship with my mum and dad that I need to sort out. I guess I just find it tricky as we have needed their help and support in the past and I rely on them for advice a lot. DH's lot are useless - all smiles and pats on the head but wouldn't ever dream of offering useful advice or god forbid offering to help out with a pram etc!

But, this is my family unit now and I need to put that first - am sure once there's a little bundle around they'll change quite a bit.

Thanks again everyone and good luck with all your dc's and babies on the way!

"if they are going to make sacrifices to help us financially I shouldn't be taking all that time off etc."

I don't think you should accept their offer of a loan. It seems like it comes with strings attached. Do you want them telling you how to live your life on the grounds that they lent you money?

Glad you have got the advice you needed rebeccacad. My observation would be that you can do work any time in your life, but you can only have the first months of your DCs life at this point. Enjoy them while you can!

Personally I have found the group of new mums I've met through ante-natal and the lovely parents on mumsnet to provide better advice than parents. Parents have been great for providing practical support, but they also know that a) it is our baby, not theirs and b) some things have changed since their days of child-rearing.

I am so impressed that you are not leaping at the chance of a bigger home, regardless of the financial consequences. So many of my peers have few options about work and childrearing because they have maxed themselves to get a bigger house that they could manage without (people do, you know!).

So my advice would be to leave yourself as much flexibility as you can afford to, and do what you think is right, not your parents or anybody else. This will stand you in good stead for when DC arrives, as ime you will doubt everything!

I agree with the majority here. I don't know anyone in my line of (quite well-paid, professional) work who took less than 6 months in the last 5 years say. And the nursery my children go to say that they rarely get babies younger than 7 months now (where they can actually take them from 3 months) because of changes in ML and benefits, meaning mothers are taking longer.

I personally took a year both times. And they were very close together (I only went back to work for 12 weeks between them ). I feel embarrassed to have to tell my lovely colleagues and I worry a bit that I've been away for ages but they are GREAT about it and... at the end of the day, once my children were here, my priorities have changed a bit and I couldn't have gone back any sooner anyway. They are only little for a very short while and it flies by.

I think your parents maybe have an outdated view of what is "normal" in ML terms too. Even a decade ago, people took less time but that's just not the way it is now. With SMP paid to 9 months, lots of people take that long if they can afford it. You seem to have reached a good conclusion in what you thnk and at least now have the moral support of knowing what you are doing is not unusual.

Out of interest, what did your mother do when you were a baby?

i amwas a full time scientist and studied for 7 years in total before landing a serious of high profile roles in the pharmaceutical industry. I had my first child at 28 years old and had been married for a year although with my DH for 5 years previously. I had 6 months leave and my husband took a months leave when i returned to work so that i could have the transistion of going back to work but not leave my DD with a stranger. this really helped and my DD successfully stayed with her childminder therafter and then preschool and soon to start school.

I am now 33 and pregnant with my 2nd child. I purposely left a gap so that I could climb the ladder a little further but this time i will be taking 12 months off. I have realised that nothing comes before my child and now i am taking as much time as i possibly can. However, I love my career and not really cut out to be a SAHM frankly so will plan on more flexible return to work, but do feel that you only get one chance at this so if you can, take the most time you can without losing touch with with your career, but remember your your career will always be there.

I'm interested in this post as I'm in a similar situation. Although I'm in France and (still) unsure of what I'm entitled to - as are my employers as they're based in the UK. I know ten weeks is the legal requirement to give up work (four before birth and six after) but not sure what one is entitled to in addition to that.

I work from home, mostly, but also travel a lot, so I am planning on going back part-time, without the travel, pretty quickly - not sure how quickly yet. Most of my French friends have gone back to work within 3 months but I don't know if that is normal or not. The childcare here is generally very good and a lot cheaper than in the UK from what I can see.

I always imagined that I would be in a position of devoting myself full-time to children when they came along, but as my career has taken off and baby number one is on its way a lot quicker than imagined I have reconciled myself to the fact that it won't happen just yet. Maybe I am wrong and maybe my opinion on this will change, but it's not just about lying on your deathbed and weighing up the choices you made in life, it's about living with the choices you make and I would fall into serious depression if I gave up my career and that might upset my family balance and would put a lot of strain on DH too.

Hi Rebecca - re-read my post and hope it didn't come across as tetchy and casting aspersions on our parents. Was late last night. You sound like you have a lovely, close and supportive relationship but that sometimes a line needs to be drawn. I am having 12 months off also from a senior(ish) role in a workaholic, high pressure company and while they have been supportive there was a lot of director level women who seem competitive about how little maternity leave they took off (most of them at least 5-10 years ago). Yes, I am sure that blackberrying New York when you are being stitched up is brilliantly fulfilling but not everyone is the same and 12 months is allowed by law (albeit not supported by maternity pay sadly). I am having a fab time and will be going back to work excited and motivated at a stage when the baby is nearly fully weaned and I am confident about leaving him with other people, rather than me still in recovery, exhausted and breastfeeding through the night.

Good luck!

Ditto what Belle said - you're parents sound great in lots of ways - and it will be fantastic to have supportive parents over the next few months. My mum is the same, would do anything for us to help and is a very devoted granny.

But...

Mums in particular also have a tendency to think we should do things the way they did... party, I think, because they genuinely feel they made the right decision (FOR THEM) and also partly because they may take any different decisions you make as some kind of implicit criticism.

I had the opposite problem with my mum, which gave up work to look after me until I went to HIGH SCHOOL. She was most sniffy when I said I would be returning to work part-time afte a year... again, lots of emotional blackmail... i.e. "well WE just thought that looking after your child PROPERLY was the most important thing back then, not LEAVING them with STRANGERS while you went off to be a career woman..." blah blah etc.

You're obviously in the opposite predicament but you do need to be careful a bit, I think, because Mums and dads who can be absolutely lovely, can also be the WORST emotional manipulators out there.

I'd make doubly sure that any money you accept from them, doesn't meant this "luxurious" 6 months you're taking (and think by all the posts you'll have gathered that it's not in the slightest bit OTT) doesn't constantly get thrown back at you, because I think that could potentially dmamage your relationship with your folks more than having a frank and open chat now.

They may be happy witht he choices they made, but that was then, and them, this is you and now, and you're different from them and the (working) world has changed quite a bit.

It's difficult though - believe me I know...

Courage, mon brave.

db
xx

I think you should keep your options open as much as possible so you have a choice once the baby arrives and you have adjusted to full-time motherhood. 6 months seems very quick to me, most people I know took 9-12 months, with most at 12 months. I wouldn't commit yourself to anything now as you just don't know how you'll feel once you have your giggling, gorgeous baby in your arms.

I'm sure most people take 6 months minimum. I'm a lawyer and I'm definitely going to take 6 months. Possibly more, but I'll decide that once I'm off.

You'll need 6 months to properly bond, and you'll need the baby off the boob before childcare starts.

Its certainly not luxurious, and you're entitled to have your job retained for 6 months.

I took a year off with ds and returned part time, pregnant with ds2 and will take a year off again.

I'm pregnant with my first, and will take around 5 weeks before the due date, and 3.5-4 months after. I'm on a short-term contract, in a job I love, so want to come back. I also live in a country (Belgium) where maternity leave is only 16 weeks. So, I can pad it up a bit with holiday, but at the most it will be 4.5 months - although my DH intends to also take perhaps one month after I've gone back to work. Our baby will be in creche 4 days a week, with my DH staying at home with the baby for the 5th day. I will return to work full time, as I earn over twice what he does, so it makes more sense for him to stay at home. He also had a Dad who didn't erally feature in his childhood much, so is keen to be a part of our baby's.

Given the average UK maternity leave, however, I think the amount you're taking is quite little in fairness. Most of my UK friends who've had children have taken at least 9 months off.

I took 6 months off back in 2005 (before maternity leave changed), used my annual leave to ease me in gradually- 3 days a week, then 4 days a week, then full time 6 weeks after returning. DS went to a very good nursery, just round the corner from work, and settled in well but as usual had a whole spate of colds etc. from exposure to the other babies which necessitated time off work for me to care for him, so for the first month I really couldn't have been in full-time. FWIW I continued to breastfeed him- I expressed twice a day at work (tea break and lunch break) and DS took expressed milk from a cup at nursery. It was really hard going at first and I honestly couldn't have gone back sooner- DS did not sleep well, was an ex-prem with some health issues, and I was beyond exhausted up until around 6 months when things started to get easier.

With DD (DC2) I started working from home 3 mornings a week when she was 4 months old- a close friend child-minded her then. I then increased my hours to 2 full days when she was 7 months old, and finally went to 3 full days when she was 15 months old! But we were fortunate then to financially be able to to that, I was self-employed second time round and did a lot of work in the eves from home so I had more time with the DCs, a luxury many cannot have.

I'm now expecting DC3 and planning to take a full year off- last chance!

In my opinion full-time before 6 months is very hard on both mum and baby, although some manage it. Your plan sounds perfect- and you know your job better than anyone else and if you won't be sidelined I think it's a very good option. Don't worry too much about what others think- this LO is your baby, and the time is irreplaceable. What works for one mum/family doesn't for another, and it can be hard for grandparents to see it from your perspective. Good luck!

I took 12 mnths with 1st (4mths full pay, rest unpaid and stat + lived off savings) and will take 9 mnths with 2nd (due soon), with DH taking 3mtnhs unpaid thereafter. I can't imagine having gone back sooner with 1st. Although I found it harder than being at work (believe me, mat leave is NOT a luxurious experience), it was worth all the sacrifices for the memories I have. BTW are you aware that you are not legally required to tell your employer exactly when you will be returning to work when you hand in notice for starting your mat leave? You have to give them notice of when you want to return (can't remember what the notice period is - just google it), but that doesn't have to be at the start of the mat leave period. Why not have your baby and see how you feel in the couple of months thereafter?

You don't need to tell work either - they need to assume you are taking a year and then if you want to return earlier you give them notice - that's the best way to keep your options open.
I took 12 months last time and will again - it was a bit tough getting back into it (wasn't helped that DS was so ill he had to change nursery) but was fine within a few months.

x post saying the same thing!