miscarriage - if its so common why don't people speak about it?

[Twig79]

I've just spent the last 3 days and 38 hours in hospital having a traumatic miscarriage at 10 wks. What I want to know is this -
If 1 in 4 pregnancies end in early miscarriage why don't more people talk about it? Why doesn't the midwife explain about the risk? Nearly every nurse, ward assistant and doctor I saw while in hospital told me either A) they had had a MC themselves, or B) MCs were "very common" or "not unusual".
So why don't women talk about it? When I had my first MW appointment she asked me how I was feeling, I said while it was a planned pregnancy (my first) I was a bit scared - she immediately said "nonsense, there is nothing to be scared off you should be excited" with odds of 25% of pregnancies ending is MC - surely that's a risk to be scared of? I know I sound angry, and I am, I'm still under the effect of general anesthetic and I'm grieving. But it wasn't until after a visit to the early pregnancy unit, when we left no clearer (this was post spotting and pre bleeding) we went to our GP who was brave enough to say "the information on this early scan would indicate you should prepare for the worst" (they had booked me a repeat scan for 2 weeks time) within 30 mins of getting home the bleeding started, we went to A&E were I lost so much blood I ended up in the resuss unit with all the machines bleeping and a very worried looking DH. No one spoke straight to us, right until I saw a consultant yesterday afternoon. I never knew how painful, traumatic or lengthy a MC was. One of the nurses summed it up to me when I asked her why no one spoke about it, if it was so common she said, "British people feel uncomfortable talking about death and this falls into that category". I'm going to return to work next week, and part of me thinks that if people ask me why I've been off work, I'm going to tell them I had a MC. As if it?s that common, then there is nothing "wrong" with me and I've got nothing to be ashamed of, and maybe that means more people will feel comfortable talking about it.

hi all. thanks for your messages these last few days. I'm feeling more normal now that the anesthetic has worn off a bit and am off to the docs tomorrow for a check up and to see if I can go back to work as i think being busier would help me. but the next question is how soon after a MC can you start trying again? some people say 1 cycle others say 3, what is your advice? i also read that if you get pregnant before you have a period after MC then you have a higher chance of MC again, so I'm a bit confused, any advice?

I am pretty sure there is no increased risk of mc if conceiving straight away. In fact I have recently heard the opposite - that elevated progesterone levels in the body after mc can increase the chances of the next pregnancy sticking. I have only ever been advised 1 cycle, and even then only because it makes dating easier. In my case I always ovulated 2 weeks after a mc just like I did after a period so I wasn't worried about the dating thing. I know when I ovulate.

My current bump was conceived a couple of weeks after a miscarriage & I am now 31 weeks. My DD who is now 20 months, was also conceived immediately after a mc. It's all very well deciding to wait but sometimes your body just takes over.

The most important thing I think is to feel emotionally ready (as much as you ever can).

Agree with mogend, I read everything I could find after my mc about trying again. Most agree waiting one cycle is only for dating.
I got pregnant straight away (I'm 34 weeks now), I used ovulation predictors so I knew when I conceived. Trying again was the best thing for me mentally, it gave me some hope and focus. You just have to be sure you are ready to cope with the anxiety of being pregnant after mc.

thanks lazylion and mogend, that's a great help. I just visited my doc who said i should wait a couple of months to let the womb rest, but when i asked if there was any extra risk of trying now she said no. she then said i should try as soon as i was ready, so i agree with you its probaby to do with the dating, as i've got massively irregular periods anyway they couldn't really date my first pregnancy. thought i was getting stronger but cried at the docs because she was nice to me. have decided to tell everyone NOT to be nice to me for the next few weeks otherwise i'll cry. I know already i'll be a "knicker checker" whenever it happens again so like lazylion i think having something to focus on would help. we'll see what happens.

lazylion and mogend, one rather personal question for you - did you have an ERPC after MC? one thing i've read is that the procedure effect future pregnancies if not given time to heal?

Im so sorry for your experience. I was so shocked after my first mc at the amount of people I knew who told me they had had one too. They had never mentioned it before.

I was quite naive with my first pregnancy and assumed everything would be ok. I had a bleed at ten weeks but the scan showed everything was fine the baby had a strong heartbeat. I came away with a proud picture and showed almost everyone. I remember sitting in the waiting room for my 12 week scan thinking I had made to that 12 week milestone and I had already seen my baby so everything was fine. I was not prepared for what followed next, to be told there was no heartbeat and the baby was only the size of 11 weeks so had probably died a week ago. It was confusing as I still had morning sickness and no indication things were not ok. I had never heard of a missed mc.

I am so glad I didnt keep my pregnancy a secret like many people do. I got huge support from family and friends who were also completely shocked. I was so bad with depression after the mc I just dont think it would of been possibly to keep it from people. Despite having a mc I didnt keep secret any of my further pregs, which again Im glad my friends were a support everytime I spotted or just had a bad day. Years down the line when I finally had ds1, friends acknowledged how speacial he was after what I had been through.

Like you I believe mc is not something to be ashamed and it should not be hidden. Its an awful thing that couples need support with. Even though I had good support, I did have a couple of friends who completely stopped speaking to me as they did not know what to say so choose to say nothing. That was very painful. Although it was many years ago now if it comes up in convo I mention my mcs. The more people talk about it the more comfortable people will be.

Hope you ok

I really feel for you. We had a MC in our first pregnancy and I found it utterly traumatic at the time. It was a MMC and I had gone to the (8 week) scan without my husband as he was overseas for work. I have never been for a scan (I now have 2 little girls) without someone else there since. At the time I thought I would never feel normal again, and it did take a while. We lost the baby in March 2006 and I got pregnant in August 2006 with my first daughter and I remember still feeling quite weepy right up until then. One other thing though is that I have bled in all three pregnancies in the first trimestre. Obviously the first time it did mean a MC but the other two times it has just been part of the hormones or something. It will get better and will seem less painful in time, but it is a really difficult thing to go through and, like others have said, it is important to find a way of grieving with your partner. We are Catholic and we went to Mass in the cathedral and lit candles for the baby just to give ourselves some space to grieve. Pregnancy is never the same after you have had a miscarriage; I have been extremely anxious through both of my subsequent pregnancies. I am really sorry for you both, and I would echo all the comments about not going back to work too soon. I didn't tell very many people at my work because I found it too upsetting to talk about (which is a reason I think lots of women don't talk about it) but it took a few days to feel able to cope with the rough and tumble of the outside world so you should give yourself the time to be quiet and at peace until you feel strong enough.

No twig, I waited for it to happen naturally, it took ages. I don't remember reading anywhere I trusted that it makes any difference to future pregnancies whether you have ERPC or natural mc. There is the odd American website / doctor that says this sort of thing but I think it is part of their legal culture. I haven't seen any studies that back it up.
It may take you a while to ovulate again anyway, it took me about 7 or 8 weeks from mc to ovulation. So plenty of time to heal if needed.
I cried randomly too, it doesn't take much does it? I found that getting pregnant again made it all so much better. Another thing that helped was that while I was having the mc I booked a holiday and was determined that I would be pregnant on that holiday, it helped me to look forward to when things would be better.

No Twig, mine all ahppened naturally too. However, like Lazylion I never got the impression from my reading up that it should make a good deal of difference. The biggest healing you need to do imo is the emotional one.

I had the ERPC and left it til the second cycle before trying again (ie had one period then started trying). I had always had irregular periods however since the ERPC and in between pregnancies they have been completely regular - weird. I also don't think it has any bearing on future pregnancies - some people have to have them after pregnancy and delivery I think? It is quite a common operation (as explained to me by a very insensitive doctor at the time.

thanks All. I had a ERPC and have really irregular periods (30-49 days range with no pattern!) - the bleeding has nearly stopped and i'm at that point where I need to decide if we use contrapception or not. Wondering if the EPRC would make a difference to it if i got pregnant before a period, but also thinking we might as well just carry on regardless and if I get pregnant deal with it and if i don't, start again next month. It seems like a big decision as I'm worried that i may be setting myself up for another early mc one on hand, and desperate to get pregnant again on the other.

i feel so relieved to have found this thread..

I had a mmc at 9 weeks tho the baby had died at 6 weeks. they left us a week wondering because they werent sure if dates were off.

I opted for medical management thinking it would be better not to have an operation. It was horrendous. whilst it takes some people hours to start cramping and bleeding it hit me within minutes and I was screaming for pain relief. it lasted for hours and I am not over the trauma yet.

I hadnt told many people in work, i had my manager tell just my team but really only because i still cant talk about it without getting emotional and its so personal. i also feel like people wont understand.

I found out a few days ago that i am pregnant again and its so true what someone said on here that its not the celebration it should be because you are so so so so afraid.

best wishes to all of you who have been through this awful experience and maybe only the women here and friends who have also been through it truly understand that
-"it wasnt meant to be" doesnt help because in your heart it was meant to be
-"there was probably a problem with the foetus" - goddamn it you know that but you dont feel like youve had a lucky escape from a child with problems, you are devastated from the loss of a potentially perfect child.
-that you are in mourning for what should have been and that although people think you are so lucky it happened "early" they cannot know that mentally your entire being has changed and has planned for this baby in a matter of hours and days.

Hope someone can relate to these things xxx

I know just what you mean LeeWT, there's nothing anyone can say that actually helps you come to terms with it even if it is logical. I am 4 weeks off meeting my new baby and she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the mc - that is my way of making sense of it to myself.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope your first 12 weeks go quickly. You will be able to celebrate at some point, about 20 weeks was when I could feel that way. Good luck.

Twig79, you do what is right for you. I know there two schools of thought out there - one is that if you get pg right away, the chances of ms are higher; the other one - you start trying again when you're ready.

My DH and I chose to do the 2nd. We did not get pg right away but I am glad we did not wait as for us it would mean an additional stress in already very stressful time.

LeeWT, you're absolutely right. Losing a baby "early on" makes no difference. We had a stillborn at 36 wks, a healthy DS and then a ms at 7 wks - we mourn both our lost children the same way.

It is also very true what others said - getting pg after ms is very different because all the innocence is lost and you're afraid of your own shadow. But as I get closer to my due date with this pg, I get a bit more hope that things will work out. Still very stressful... so having this forum to talk with others in the same shoes is very helpful

kate you poor love i cannot imagine going through both a miscarriage and a stillborn. many people think that a lost baby is your angel and if that is true you have two up there looking over you..

keep us updated you are very close to the end and soon you'll meet your baby how exciting!!

lazylion thanks for congrats and understanding. i think kate summed it up by saying your innocence is lost. so true.

i had awful crippling cramps today which the dr doesnt know whether they are bowel cramps or they are preg related. am now an emotional mess ended up having a near panic attack in work. am trying to reassure myself that theres no bleeding but as you can all imagine i feel sick to my stomach...