miscarriage - if its so common why don't people speak about it?

[Twig79]

I've just spent the last 3 days and 38 hours in hospital having a traumatic miscarriage at 10 wks. What I want to know is this -
If 1 in 4 pregnancies end in early miscarriage why don't more people talk about it? Why doesn't the midwife explain about the risk? Nearly every nurse, ward assistant and doctor I saw while in hospital told me either A) they had had a MC themselves, or B) MCs were "very common" or "not unusual".
So why don't women talk about it? When I had my first MW appointment she asked me how I was feeling, I said while it was a planned pregnancy (my first) I was a bit scared - she immediately said "nonsense, there is nothing to be scared off you should be excited" with odds of 25% of pregnancies ending is MC - surely that's a risk to be scared of? I know I sound angry, and I am, I'm still under the effect of general anesthetic and I'm grieving. But it wasn't until after a visit to the early pregnancy unit, when we left no clearer (this was post spotting and pre bleeding) we went to our GP who was brave enough to say "the information on this early scan would indicate you should prepare for the worst" (they had booked me a repeat scan for 2 weeks time) within 30 mins of getting home the bleeding started, we went to A&E were I lost so much blood I ended up in the resuss unit with all the machines bleeping and a very worried looking DH. No one spoke straight to us, right until I saw a consultant yesterday afternoon. I never knew how painful, traumatic or lengthy a MC was. One of the nurses summed it up to me when I asked her why no one spoke about it, if it was so common she said, "British people feel uncomfortable talking about death and this falls into that category". I'm going to return to work next week, and part of me thinks that if people ask me why I've been off work, I'm going to tell them I had a MC. As if it?s that common, then there is nothing "wrong" with me and I've got nothing to be ashamed of, and maybe that means more people will feel comfortable talking about it.

i'm not blaming anyone, i just think that they could talk straight, instead of using wods like "products" only 2 people really talked clearly to us over the 3 days. i know the letter is computer generated and that these things are done on purpose to upset me. i've also been thinking that if mc is so common i wouldn't want anyone to go through what i went through these last 3 days, and surely they can deal with it bettter?

VivClicquot, i'm tempted in my current state to be that one woman crusade, not sure where to start though but i feel i want to do something instead of hiding away

Twig79 - The Miscarriage Association has aHow to help and raise awareness section. Maybe you could start there and ask them for advice?

Maybe we can be a two-woman crusade.

That said, I do agree with those who have said that they would hate to dampen the excitement of those who find out that they're pregnant.

One of the things I'm having most difficulty dealing with is the fact that I don't think I'll ever get that amazingly innocent 'bouncing off the walls with excitement' feeling upon getting a positive pregnancy test again - I'm going to shit myself every day for the full nine months (well, not literally I hope...).

So I certainly wouldn't want to rob anyone else of that. In hindsight, it's one of the most precious feelings in the world.

OP, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel and am very sorry for your loss.
Tomorrow will be one year since my first miscarriage, at 9 weeks. I had a much earlier mc after that, in December, and am now pregnant again (27 weeks and STILL anxious!) The mc last August was really traumatic- I had a natural mc and was terrified by the amount of blood, will never forget losing the sac, and could not believe my grief was so immense and long lasting.
Something that made the grief worse was that I wanted to talk about the experience but found it very difficult to as people simply did not understand (those that hadn't been through it) or felt that I should move on, or were pregnant themselves. Even dh was not easy to talk to as he hadn't been there in the scan and wasn't there for those uncertain first 24 hours when I wasn't sure if the mc was going to happen or not. Also, it wasn't HIS loss in the way that it was mine- he grieved, but nothing like in the same way, it hadn't happened physically to him.
I have been amazed by the difference in the way people reacted to me wanting to talk about things. I think in fairness to anyone who has not had a miscarriage, they literally have no idea. I didn't, before my mc, realise how devastating physically and mentally it could be. I sailed through my first pg blissfully unaware of the misery of miscarriage.
Some of the feelings I had after my mc I couldn't really admit: many friends were pregnant with their second children and I felt so jealous and bitter that I was too ashamed to talk about it. My sister was brilliant through my mc as she had been at the scan with me, but even she drew the line when I could not stop ranting about people with double buggies in the park!!
I found the miscarriage association absolutely fantastic. There is a leaflet on their site I think that you can print out for your employer.
There is also a lot of support on mumsnet on various threads. In the early weeks of this pregnancy I found the 'knicker checkers' thread a godsend as it gave me so much hope.
You will find when you talk about your experience that some people are great and some are completely useless. It may be different people than you expect. Many, many people will probably tell you that they have experienced at least one mc. Even not all of these will necessarily give you the support you may expect.
Be really kind to yourself in the next few months. I was utterly exhausted for a long time- needed a tonic, iron, lots of sleep. You may find that you feel OK and quite philosophical for a while and then you don't again. I threw myself back into work (at school) but then found that by the start of October I felt like I was wading through treacle and needed a week off. Spent a lot of that week dealing with the memories of the mc, writing a letter to the baby etc. You may think about taking longer off work. Acupuncture was really good for me - helped get my energy back up.
Sorry, that was a MEGA long post, but I really recognised your feelings of anger, grief and bewilderment and I totally agree that the more people talk about mc the better- though nothing would have prepared you for this.

When I had my mmc I also felt as though no-one had ever warned me of that possibility - after all, if you have a miscarriage you have bleeding, don't you! But I had nothing and was still having morning sickness up to the day I went for a routine nuchal fold scan to be told there was no heart beat and the baby had stopped developing about 5 weeks previously! In fact, the doctor knew before he even saw me, because of the blood test results - he even said something about cancelling my standard NHS appointment before I was even on the couch, which I thought was weird, but I just didn't put two and two together at the time. I was just miffed because we had planned to take our DD to that scan (just a few days later) to show her the baby.

Afterwards though, I told a couple of very close friends and did tell my closest colleagues at work, but I didn't speak about it widely. At the time it was too raw and I didn't want to go over it with everyone I knew, and then later there was never a good time to mention it, IYSWIM. Now I have come to terms with it, and although it is sad I am happy to talk about it if it seems appropriate. But as another poster said - I do feel as though I shouldn't rain on another mum's parade; after all, most of the '1 in 4' happen so early that the woman hasn't yet even realised she's pregnant. And although I've since had a healthy pregnancy and a gorgeous healthy DS, I was well enough aware of the risks without wanting other people reminding me of them

So all in all, I think there is no right answer, really...

my husband told work when i was in recuss in a&e - i've been off work 6 weeks with a bad leg and was due back yesterday so he had to tell them and i thought well, he might as well tell them the truth. i too had a drip for 2 days as my blood pressure had dropped so far which is why i ended up in resuss with all the bleeping machines. my MC was "natural" and honest to good i've never seen so much blood. i passed the placenta and after birth yesterday morning and saw it (as they were monitoring my fluids so there was a pan in the toilet). more than anything its a traumatic thing to happen,(a&E, hospital for 3 days an operation) even without the loss of the pregancy. i'm normally a busy and active person so lying in bed is hard to do, especially as my world has been so strange for the last 2 months, off work with a bad leg, awful tiredness and sickness then this. its all very surreal. but humans are resilent, and women are the strongest of all. one thing a nurse said to me yesterday was you'll not have realised how strong you are until now, and I think i have to agree with her. thanks for all your thoughts and for sharing your experiences I don't feel so angry now.

Hi Twig

I?m sorry to hear what you have been through. Although MC is extremely common you had a particularly bad experience I think.

Whilst I agree that newly pg women shouldn?t be frightened by dire warnings, I DO think that some hosps and GPs could treat women who look like they may miscarry with more sensitivity and honesty. I had an mmc last year, and while the care I received was excellent, they didn?t prepare me for the pain and gore (I miscarried at home), and if it hadn?t been for mumsnet I would have been totally unprepared for it. As it was I knew it was normal.

You?re right, it is also hard how people don?t talk about it, and it makes a very upsetting time even worse. I don?t discuss it, because like others have said it?s actually a private matter, but also because so many people just don?t know how to deal with someone who has had a bereavement. I felt the same when my Dad died ? lots of friends just pretended nothing had happened although I know they felt for me. People just don?t know what to say, so they don?t say anything.

Now I always make an effort to talk to people when they have had a bad time, as I know it?s good to be able to talk about it. My experience has made me better able to deal with the sad experiences of others.

On a more positive note, I promise that you'll get through this.

I am sorry this has happened to you and that it was so traumatic. I had a m/mc the year before I had my baby - now 10m. I didn't even know you could miscarry and not find out for weeeks - that was an unpleasant shock. But physically, because it had happened quite early, it wasn't bad and consequently was less upsetting than it might have been. However it did ruin my next pregnancy and I in turn ruined it for my partner by being constantly pessimistic and unexcited. I was afraid to get too excited or happy in case I lost it.

I didn't tell my work either, although I have since told colleagues, because I couldn't face them being sympathetic to me. Kindness makes me emotional and I just wanted to get back to normal.

I agree actually that women should be warned of the risk of miscarriage. I wouldn't want ot spoil their happiness or worry them but I often want to tell a woman not to tell people, or to start thinking of baby names or making plans until after 12 weeks.

It is almost like you should try to imagine you are not "properly" pregnant until you get to the 12 weeek mark, then you have a scan and if all is well you can start looking forward.

Twig79 I really do feel for you. I had something similar happen a few years ago - I had a missed miscarriage and was admitted to hospital to take tablets to expel the pregnancy. It didn't work, and I ended up in hospital for 2 days, bleeding heavily and in immense pain until they decided to take pity on me and give me an ERPC. It was truly the most hideous experience of my life.

I don't really talk about it as there isn't much anyone can say; if someone asks, I'll tell them about it, but I don't deliberately hide it IYKWIM. Most people found out when I was pg with my DS - I told people it wasn't my first pregnancy which is why I kept quiet til 12 weeks.

On a personal note, make sure you keep your iron intake up as you will feel very tired/run down after such a trauma. Hope you feel better very soon.

"It is almost like you should try to imagine you are not "properly" pregnant until you get to the 12 weeek mark, then you have a scan and if all is well you can start looking forward."

That's how I felt after my m/cs. I always said that I was 'pregnant at the moment' but didn't refer to 'having a baby' until I'd reached 16w-ish.

sorry you have had a truly s**t experience and also sorry for the loss. I also had a MC (blighted ovum) at around 11.5wks and no one really sat down and explained the ins and outs of it. Got handed a leaflet at EPU, and that was that. The MW was as sympathetic as she could be, but also had 101 other things to do besides comforting me (not her fault, part of her job - staffing issues etc).

Anyway, I also agree with you. No one tells you that when you have a 'heavier period' that you'll actually need maternity towels rather than sanitary towels as you are miscarrying (if you choose the natural method), no one tells you that it's like a mini-labour and you have regular contractions. No one tells you that it goes on for about 7 hours continuous bleeding. It's devastating. I am still frustrated (since March this year really) that no one can be bothered to really get into the details of what having a MC involved. Yes, it's upsetting, but it's better to know what to expect than to be ignorant of it.

I really do wish it was spoken about more often though.

After 3 mcs and an ectopic I've found...

1. The people who tell you that it'll be 'like a heavy period' are mostly male doctors.
2. The number of people who think that talking about mcs will somehow make another one happen is staggering.
3. Admitting to having a mc is tricky as it flags up to your boss that you're planning on being pg and can be detrimental to your job.
4. No-one really knows what to say, even if they've been through it themselves .

funtime - a lot of truth in your 2) 3) and 4) but as regards 1) early m/c can be like a heavy period, one of mine was.

I am feeling like crying after reading this posts. Hugs to all the people who have posted.

I am 9 weeks preg with 1st child.

I was aware of the stats of mc before I got pg, and they are always in my mind now. I'm hoping they will fade out as the weeks progress, with a (hopefully) healthy baby developing.

I've heard a lot about mcs, maybe my mum and some of her friends who have experienced them are more open than the people you all know, but I agree it is staggering how many women have them at one stage or another.

Something I have always wondered, and it really plays in my mind, is that is it really true that there is a link between maternal age and risk of mc? What do you ladies think? Do you think age was a factor in your experiences?

I hope that question doesn't seem rude, and you can tell me if it is, but it's something that I think about a lot.

Also, what about lifestyle factors: previous smoking, drinking, being overweight?

Sometimes I think it must all be random, something that just happens without warning. Then other times I wonder if there's more to it.

It's a complex issue, and one so full of emotion for us all.

T

The early ones certainly are juule, I agree. Unfortunately I've had this line trotted out for a mmc found at 13 weeks! I waited for 2 more weeks for it to mc naturally and then had an ERPC. Strangely I just nodded and didn't say anything (still in shock) when the doctor said this even though all I could thinks was a) you've never had a period and b) heaven knows what you think they must be like if such a late mc could be anything like one !

Statistically maternal age is a factor takelovingchances but then so is paternal age, which conveniently gets forgotten (sounds like I'm having a right go at the blokes today ). I'm 34 and first had problems at 30. However, dh was in his late 30s (is 40 this year).

On the positive side, I had a healthy ds at 32, am 24 weeks pg now and know loads of ladies who've had children in their 30s and early 40s without a mc .

Ah funtime, I never waited to mc naturally with my mmcs. I went for the erpc once it was definite that the pg had ended. So, yes the ones that were like a heavy period were the ones before 8w.

So sorry to hear this TLC.

My first pregnancy was ectopic and it is extremely painful to think about it but oddly I find I can talk about it in a matter of fact way and I try to do so from time to time in order that my friends and colleagues understand that this happens, that you can still have babies afterwards, and why it is not a great idea to ask newly married couples about if they are ttc etc. and why pregnant women need care and attention.

Personally I think the ectopic was either random bad luck or possibly a genetically wonky fallopian tube as my mum had an ectopic too (but she puts hers down to a pregnancy on the mini-pill). DH and I didn't have any other risk factors for EP e.g. age, chylamidia (sp?), fertility treatment.

Sorry to hear about your mc Twig - my first pregnancy ended in a mmc after some early bleeding at 6 weeks - went for a scan which confirmed it at 9 weeks. My mmc was at 34 so not sure if thats getting on a bit for maternal age TLC

It was a horrendous experience to go through, nothing like a heavy period, so please be gentle to yourself and make sure your Dh and you talk about it (my DH felt he couldn't for fear of upseting me afterwards - which in fact upset me more).

Afer that my DSIL and DMIL both told me they'd gone through mc as well and were lovely to me - if you do tell people about it they are very sympathetic - my male manager at work was lovely about it and extremely understanding. MY DSIL explained that after her mc she got pregnant straight away and had a successful pregnancy - all the hormones in her system. I wasn't quite that lucky but am now 16 weeks pregnant 6 months later - it does seem strange that a lot of first pregnancies do end this way. But after this most people have successful pregnancies.

Lots of hugs and take care of yourself.

I feel for anyone who has had a mc, my friend has had 2 in a year, both at 6 weeks and I feel terribly guilty to have a healthy 3 year old and to be due my second in 5 weeks. It doesn't seem fair that some people have it easy and some have it so hard! My friend has been so good and although I don't bring it up she talks about my pregnancy easily and I know it must be hard for her, I don't know if I would cope as well as she seems to!!

Twig79 I am so sorry, I have been there. I was there a few years ago, mine started slowly and I thought it was going to be "just like a heavy period" as I had been told, but after about 24 hours all hell broke loose. It was the most traumatic event of my entire life.

During the miscarriage, the only thing I had as a reference point was an episode of Brookside I had seen about 10 years previously, in which a character had a miscarriage and it was quite faithfully represented. Didn't mean much to me at the time as a footloose student of 19, but somehow my memory banks trawled it up. I couldn't believe that a ten-year-old, decommissioned soap opera was providing me with the best advice. HCPs on the phone said things like "The bleeding can be quite heavy" but generally made me feel like it carried the same importance as catching a cold. Like you I ended up in hospital and the physical recovery was hard going for some weeks afterwards.

I too was bemused that staff in hospital then began to speak freely to me about miscarriages they had had, and that several acquaintances & colleagues spoke about having had one or more miscarriages. My Grandma was one of my best sources of support - she had a few miscarriages in her early 30s, which I hadn't really given much thought to before, but she talked it over with me and I realised that she had had the same feelings 50+ years ago (and with even less support).

In the summer that followed, 4 family members and 2 best friends either announced pregnancies or had babies. There were very few people that I could safely talk to about it, without fear of upsetting or frightening someone. I came to see that could be one of the reasons that women of childbearing age tend to underplay it when talking amongst themselves. This is very hard for the grieving mother, though. I agree that there are plenty of other reasons - British stiff-upper-lip, fear of death, fear of gynaecological talk, etc etc.

I agree that you should consider a bit more time off work. Ask your GP about counselling, too. If you can get it at an early stage then just a few sessions can be all it takes to process the worst of what happened to you. Be warned, though - my counsellor's office was in the same corridor as the sonography department at the maternity ward - I thought my legs wouldn't carry me there, but it did help feelings to come to the surface quickly and I am so glad I went.

Please do take care of yourself.

Hi wondered if any one can give me some advice. I have had spotting so visited EPC at 7weeks they scanned and reckoned i was 5 weeks then rebooked a scan for 2 weeks later (9 weeks according to my dates)The next scan they reckoned I was 6 weeks and whilst there was some growth as yet no FHS and a double yolk sac(?meaning of this). They reckon its a failed pregnancy but just to check they want me to be scanned again in a week (i.e 10 weeks). I feel like a time bomb and bleeding could start any minute and I am quite scared but also still feel sick, tired, dizzy, not sleeping and boobs are still sore. It just feels strange to be walking around with pregnancy symptoms yet in theory not being pregnant anymore! If the scan is conclusive should i opt for a D&C and what is this like? This is my 2nd pregnancy the 1st i had pre-eclampsia and obstetric choleststsis could any of this have caused this? Thanks for any help!

To help with last post first, I hope you have positive news so it doesn't come to this, but if you do: last Oct I had a D&C (called ERPC if you're preg) and it was very quick and I found pain-free. The minor risk of having this over managed-miscarriage is scarring of the womb. I didn't have a choice as I had a Molar Pregnancy (cancer cells had to be removed), but I would have gone for this option rather than managed as I couldn't personally have gone through the trauma of seeing the loss. It's hard when you don't know what your body is doing though, so don't expect to feel 'normal' for awhile.

I agree with OP, that's why I'm open now that I'm in preg 3, not 2 (it was second preg I lost). A fair number of women I say this to tell me their experiences and seem relieved to be able to share them. I wish I'd been more aware of MC before any of my pregs.

I agree, I didn't know anything about m/c before I had one in April. Like others on here I'd had a successful first pregnancy where I didn't even think about miscarrying.

When I got pregnant again I was over the moon, but at 11 and a half weeks I started spotting which got heavier as the days went on. By the third day the bleeding was horrific, and I was so shocked and scared because nobody had explained the bleeding could be so horrendous - and also the pain. It did feel like contractions. I was lucky I didn't end up in hospital like Twig but I had two hours of extremely heavy bleeding (blood just poured out of me where I had to sit on the toilet as no sanitary towel would hold it - sorry to be gruesome) and I passed heavy clots and then a very large clot. As soon as the largest clot was passed the bleeding subsided. But even so I continued to bleed for over two weeks. It felt like the bleeding after you've given birth.

I wish I'd been told how much blood there would be in a miscarriage. It was far, far worse than a heavy period. I really was terrified because I never knew it could be like that and thought I was losing too much blood. I rang NHS Direct and the nurse was lovely, she explained that unless I continue to bleed that heavily for seven hours or more then not to worry, which did calm me down.

Saying all this though, a friend of mine is trying to get pregnant at the moment and I can't bring myself to tell her I had a miscarriage as I don't want to scare her.

Now we are trying again but am also terrified of having another miscarriage. At least now I know what to expect.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies. Huge hugs for your loss.

I have had several early mcs & yes I have found this too. I think it is quite a taboo subject (though I am doing my bit to try to make it less so) and that the not announcing of pregnancies until 12 weeks is both representative of & reinforcing that taboo. I didn't announce my first pregnancy before I lost it but when I lost it I NEEDED everyone to know. I told my work & everyone I was involved with. I was astonished how many people then came up with their own personal stories but I had never heard them before. I have announced all my pregnancies from the start since as frankly I need the support whatever happens. I really don't blame you for being angry - the sense of injustice from mc alone is enough to make you quite angry, but adding to that the feeling that there is something wrong with talking about the way you feel is very difficult.

Have you been to the Miscarriage Association website? There was lots on there that I needed to print out & read through over and over to help me work through my feelings.