Help - Do I tell them I've had a termination?

[MissT]

About a month after I split with my husband I went on a disasterous blind date and was sort of 'date raped' - I didn't report it because I put myself in ridiculous position. He forced himself on me but I was drunk and stupid and couldn't/didn't resist. I didn't say 'no' but I didn't want it. I just wanted to forget all about it afterwards and not taking any contraception went for the morning after pill. My useless GP told me the day after (Sunday) that I might as well wait until the Family Planning CLinic opened on MOnday. Needless to say, it was too late and I got pregnant, despite knowing at 5 weeks, I didn't get a termination until 9 weeks and told only one close friend who looked after my kids. There was no way I could have had the baby even if I had wanted it. To be honest I didn't regret my decision for a moment. A few months later I met my dp and now a couple of years later I'm happily pregnant by him. Thing is do I have to tell doctors/midwifes about the termination? (I had the 2 pills type - in and out - no operation). I organised it through the FPA and didn't give in the letter to my GP so I don't think they know about it. I really don't want it on my medical records and would die if dp found out about it - he feels quite strongly about abortion. Do I have to tell anyone? Thanks fo ryour help!

Not sure if you have to but I would when you can do it on your own. If you really don't want to tell your partner, could you not say you had a very early miscarriage once?

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Yu should tell the staff for medical reasons. For eample there are implcations to the baby of a second pregnancy if you are Rh negative. no-one will mention this to your partner. It is totaly confidential.

I was wondering if you could say it was a miscarriage

My view is: only if you want to.

I would suggest that you mention it to the midwife when its just the two of you. Explain the situation. she has to think of you and the baby and what is important to the both of you. She has to be confidential although she may tell over health proffesionals who you will meet.

i think even first pregnancies are treated with anti-d these days, just in case a woman (who's rh negative) was pregnant and didn't know

speak to midwife, but stress that nothing is written down - your notes go everywhere with you, and everyone reads them - if they go in your notes, your DP will probably find out

by the way, it's no one business but your own, so please don't feel pressured to say anything to your DP unless you want to

but unless he understands medical jargon (TOP) would he "get" it? and would there be any other medical reason apart from rhesus status to flag this up??

missT: you poor thing. what an awful thing to happen to you. I know what it's like to have had an abortion, knowing that it was absolutely the right decision, but i'm so sorry about the circs of the conception...raped is the right word, if you didn't want it, doesn't matter what 'position' you put yourself in, doens't matter that you were drunk. he forced himself on you, and he will have known that he did that, it's wrong and awful, and i'm sorry you had such an experience.

just thought i should post that.

I would tell them it was a miscarraige. I don't see how they can check, thats assuming they don't already know.

Does anyone know if a miscarriage is recorded as a termination? I think my sister had this on her pregnancy notes and she had a miscarriage at 5 weeks.

MissT - I myself had a termination 5 years ago and when I met my DH I was terrified that he would find out.
Now the thing is you can easily make sure that your termination does not appear on you medical records but it will non the less play extensively on your mind.
In my experience I eventually plucked up the courage to tell my DH as the fact I had this secret from him just got too great and I needed it off my chest.
Remember he loves you so should respect what you did even though he may not agree.
At the end of the day you know your DP better than anyone on here so go with your gut feeling but from somebody who has been in the same position as you I would say tell him and get rid of the secret as the thing with secrets is that they tend to rear their ugly head eventually !
Good Luck

Agree with sophable but be aware that at my booking appt the midwife asked me, in front of my 6yo son 'how many times have you been pregnant?' I used the expression TOP so she understood and he didn't but prepare yourself in case your dp is at the booking appt and you're asked the same question.

need to add, that i kept my termination a secret from my parents for years afterwards...until my mum read it in my pregnancy notes!!! you are right to be wary. having said that, i'm sort of glad that they know now. dh knew from v early on in our relationship.

MissT, try to contact MEARS, she's a midwife (a very good one) and she will be able to provide accurate advice on the subject.

Our paed even asked me how many times I'd been pregnant when we took DD to be checked out!

I've never had a termination, but I did have a miscarriage - DH knows about it - in a previous relationship. Fortunately, the medics didn't go into any other detail once I told them the baby died at 8 weeks.

I agree with Bella - that maybe in the long term it might be best out in the open. However if you want confidential advice about the medical implications you could try the FPA. Surely they would be able to explain to you.

I had to terminate a pregnancy ten years ago, but in all my notes for my preg, it was recorded as my first. They don't note down anything that is confidential, given that you are meant to lug the notes around Tescos for the next few months! HTH.

I've looked at my notes abd it says that if you wish a termination to be kept confidential, even from a partner it will be. I assume that means it's recorded elsewhere and it's noted as being confidential. HTH

I'm not sure about the medical implications but I agree with Bella:

'Remember he loves you so should respect what you did even though he may not agree.
At the end of the day you know your DP better than anyone on here so go with your gut feeling but from somebody who has been in the same position as you I would say tell him and get rid of the secret as the thing with secrets is that they tend to rear their ugly head eventually !'

Honesty is always the best policy. I'm sure he understands.

I have to say I disgree about honesty being the best policy always. If you have dealt with this I see no reason to bring it up with your partner now, especially given his views. I'd tell medical staff in confidence and leave it at that, personally

I did tell my midwife about my termination when i got pregnant with Ds but she then asked if it was ok to include the info on my notes and if it wasn't ok then it wouldn't be noted down.

In the end i said it was fine but then had to tell my mom about the termination because she worked on the maternity ward of the hospital.

No - you don't need to tell anyone. I'd keep the info to yourself unless you can tell the midwife in confidence and ask her not to write it down.
It's not important as far as your pregnancy is concerned.

in our area the information for terminations is used for information and statstics only as when we look at your obstetric history we would term you as a primigravida if it was your first pregnancy or a multip if more than first.
we do have the facility to put on your hospital notes that you had a termination but do not want it recorded on your handheld notes, but these are then read by everyone at the hospital and are often left in the room with you and your partner could read them.
i would probably keep quiet at the booking appointment if you are with your partner and try and make an early appointment for when your partner won't be joining you so that you can discuss it with your m/w and say that nobody knows and you would rather keep it that way.
i'm pretty certain that the main reason they ask about termination is for abnormalities with the baby (ie you had the termination because of abnormalities)and so if you had your termination for 'social' reasons then the termination is not relevant!

I can't see how a termination would effect your next preganancy, They wouldn't be linked in any way, and if you're current pregnancy needed treating a certain way then they would do whatever they could for you regardless of an abortion. It would be different if you knew that it would have medical implications.
It is entirely your decision to tell anyone, and if you don't want DP to know then don't tell him. I have to say if i were you and you told the mdiwife, i would be worried sick every visit i had with a midwife and your dp that it might be let out. Not worth the risk.
Also you were raped and its nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I was raped while i was drunk and can hardly remember it, i couldn't fight anyone off, i was unconscious. I only know it happened because my parents found me while it was happening outside my own house.
I did report it but because i had no memory of it i knew that I wouldn't get very far with it. So dropped the case.
I wasn't pregnant at the end of it though, i can't imagine how that must fo felt, you're a very brave person, and I hope this pregnancy goes really well for you.

sorry if there are any typos.