CAN ANY 2nd TIME MUMS BE HONEST WITH ME - IM NEED THE TRUTH - PLEASE HELP!

[BABY2BABY]

Hello There
I hope anyone can help - Its probably a boring old story for most women to read and i feel bad in wasting folks time even have to read this nonsense.

Im really depressed. I had a lovely daughter nearly 5 months ago and im already nearly 4 months pregnant again.

My partner works from 8am in the morning and doesnt get hone until 10pm some nights.

My house is a dump, Im tired, Im lonely and i rarely go out as i have no energy even to pack the baby bag up. If i have an appointment at the doctors, i start planning days before how im going to make it round there and back as im so tired,

My back killing me, I feel im being a bad mum to my new born daughter as the only thing i seem to be doing is keeping to her care needs. Feeding, Napping Changing, Her daily bath and wee cuddles now and then. But most of the time i let her lie on a big blanket infront of the tv all day and take her to bed with me every few hours for naps.

Im being a really bad mum, I just feel tired and have no energy to do anything.

Im alone here in London, Ive got no friends to help as we just moved here when i was first pregnant with my first and i dont have a mother around.

The other day i asked my neighbour if she could watch my wee daughter so i could get a bath and she said she couldnt as she was so young. I felt really upset about it. Not even a neighbour can help me.

My daughter is also teething and keeping me up in the night,

Im just not coping at all.

Will this get better?

I used to be sucha strong women and to be honest, i hate motherhood, Its tiring and un rewarding (although i love my daughter to bits) id never abandon the little lovely thing.

I used to be 10 stone and i put on 4 and half stone and havent shifted it - Im so depressed about this (and im pregnant again) whats going to become of me? Im so unhealthy and feel awful. My back already sore.

Can anyone give me an honest opinion of what lies for me inthe future?

Am i a lazy bitch? I think i have selfish things too, I really should be pushing myself a bit more and i know this deep down. Im giving up to easy.

OHHHHHHHH im so depressed. Even my house is a mess - I cant get ontop of it.

Please someone, anyone ever had this kind of experience?

Or anyone able to give me a kick up the backside and tell me to be a bloody strong women and stop all my bullshit.

Please, Im depressed about this - I need any kind of advice. The main problem i cant handle is the tiredness and the fact ive had my daughter 24 horus a day since shes been born and ive never had anyhelp.

Hello,
Have just seen you post and I didn't want it to go unanswered.
I have one DS (15 months) and now am 15 weeks with no2, so although I do not get all you are going through, I at least share some similarites with you.

TBH you sound tired. Hving a wee baby to look after 24-7 is v. tiring. Is she sleeping through or are you still up with her lots? I know you mentioned the teething, but otherwise? (Also have you tried painkilling gel to rub on her gums before she goes to bed or one of thosee chewy toys that can be refrigerated?)

Being pregnant is also tiring. I had forgotten that. Its triply more tiring when you have a baby to care or. You can't just rest when you need to, or lie in etc. etc. This will change, however, as you are not going to be pregnant forever.

Just a quick question to clarify: you say DD is 5 months old and you are already 4 months pg. This is quite difficult to do, did you make a mistake with your figures or are you just supremely unlucky.

In the meantime I am sending you a virtual hug from Mexico (for that is where I am!)

I think it might be a good idea to see your GP or your HV about how you are feeling, because it sounds to me (who has been there) like you might have postnatal depression. It's nothing to be ashamed of, its really common, but you say "I'm so depressed" several times, and the sadly detatched way you talk about your daughter really makes me wonder if you need a bit more help.

I had PND after all 3 kids, was on antidepressants, had psychotherapy and was supported by a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse). It made a huge difference to us as a family. My dh also works long hours (a GP) and I let the house go (housework has NEVER been my priority!)

It is also possibe that you now have PRE-natal depression and need help before dc2 is born. You really need to talk to someone professional abotu this before it gets any worse for you, and for the sake of your child(ren).

Feel free to CAT me if you want to chat about PND - I am a real expert, and my dd2 was a huge surprise to us for a variety of reasons, so I know what it is like with an unexpected baby as well.

take care of yourself. xxx

Gosh that sounds so tough. Sorry you're having such a rotten time. I coped very badly with my first dc, but I only realise that in retrospect because at the time she was clean and dry and fed and cuddled so I thought that must just be what it's like having babies. I assumed everyone felt bleak and couldn't envision ever having a bath or making a sandwich again. When I had dc2 I realised that actually it can be really fun and a warm, positive experience hving a newborn.

You definitely need some support. You say your dh works long hours - how much help is he at weekends and can he take some time off?

Definitely contact your HV and tell her what you've told us.

Also, I was in much the same position re no family or old friends, so I had to make new mum friends and they became my support. I appreciate this is a difficult one if you find it really hard to leave the house, but I think you need to find a way to get out to a baby cafe or a baby massage group and meet mums in the same position you are in. I found it really easy to make mum friends because everyone is in the same place "Hi, I see you have a baby. Me too! Let's go for a coffee?"

I've been so distracted by my children writing this so I hope it's not too disjointed.

Most of all, good luck. I hope things get much better for you, and soon.

Please ask your gp for help. You are depressed and overwhelmed. You aren't being lazy - your situation is genuinely very tough. To be pregnant again so quickly means you hadn't recovered physically from the first pregnancy or adjusted psychologically to being a mother when it all started again.

Also you are so isolated and have so little support - people need human contact. It's not weak to need help with a small baby.

Talk to your doctor and your husband about getting you some help. You need it. Really. This is not a "pick yourself up and keep going" situation. (they rarely are)

My life - no wonder you are tired!

Firstly, is does get easier, but you shouldn't have to struggle on untill then.

Do tell your HV how tired you are. Hope you get some sleep today. x

one thing to forget about - weight. You can't do anything until you've ad DC2 so please stop worrying about that one....

Baby2baby, how tiring for you. I agree with others about having a chat with your GP or MW about how you're feeling. I also find it hard to struggle with tiredness

Fwiw, I have ds1 (3yr) and now ds2. I was exactly the same in my pg with ds2, just tired all the time, no energy etc but it did get better. You're doing a great job, taking your dd to bed with you is a fantastic idea as you're both getting sleep and cuddles.

Is there anyway you could afford some practical help? Maybe a cleaner or a mother's help for a few hours a week to give you a break?

Also, I don't know how you'll feel about this but there are local groups on MN. You could find one in your area & meet some other mums here just for an online chat. I did this after having ds1 & it was a lifeline for meeting people. They'll probably have meetups for when you're feeling up to it as well.

Hth, come back & tell us how you're getting on

Find a local baby group and FORCE yourself out of the house once a week. It'll be great to meet other mummies, make friends and find out you're not alone in being exhusted. Also have you started a routine for baby? At 5 months we did something like 6.30/7pm (wake up) back to sleep at 9am (usually in buggy so i could get out at this time), back to sleep around 1pm, afternoon nap around 5/5.30 (always waking up by 6.30) and bath, feed and bed (in sleeping bag with lights out) by 9pm. This gave my day some order and gave me back me time. You could also try without the last nap, and just bed by 7pm so you have more evening time. Go to bed yourself by 10pm every night so uou are well rested. And once you've given birth make sure you use contraception from day 1, so your body can get a break. Just as a sdie point, I was very blue those first few months, and I wasn't expecting the next one. It took me a while to bond with my son, but once he started crying less and doing more (for us the magic 6 month mark) I really started to fall in love with ihm. He's now 2 and i just love him to bits, and he's not suffered at all from lack of bonding in those first tough months.

You have a 5 month baby and are almost 4 months pregnant? You'd be a robot to be anything BUT tired and down! I'd be much more worried if your house was pristine & you were skinny & gushing about the joys of motherhood.

Like others said, get out of the house daily to baby groups -- you just need the human contact with sympathetic ears. Is there a local creche in your area that could take the 5 m old a few hrs/week, maybe on an ad hoc basis?

"Can anyone give me an honest opinion of what lies for me inthe future?"

Yes - it will get better. What you are doing now is incredibly hard. Actually you are doing great - as well as being pg you are caring for a baby all by yourself, and it sounds like you are prioritising her needs very sensibly - you are caring for her properly and giving her cuddles & love. Using tv as stimulation for her won't do any harm for a little while.

When my dcs have been small, we found it is really important to keep the baby bag packed at all times so going out doesn't become too much of a chore. I would really agree with people who say you need to get out of the house at least once a week, even if it's hard, and get extra help with housework if you can possibly afford it.

Good luck xxxx

I have a 12 month gap between mine. It was horrendous, absolutely awful. My pregnancy with ds2 was shocking - I hadn't recovered from the birth of ds1 (em section) and I struggled from day 1. The first 18 months was hard too (you asked for honesty!) and it is often just a case of getting through the day in the early stages. We had no family around and were new to the area and had to do it alone. I have no idea how I managed it. My advice to you would be to get some kind of help for just a few hours a week if you can. A mothers help? Even a nursery for a half day or two. Try to get to m&t groups as well - I know how hard it is but I wish I'd stuck with it. You need help and support and friendship. You should also get a cleaner - the last thing you need right now is to fret over the state of your house.

My sons are now 4 and 3 and it's a complete breeze - they are an utter joy. A real delight. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Good luck with it all. I promise promise promise it will get better. It might take a while but you will get there. Keep using MN people on here can be an amazing source of help and support.

My DCs are 24 months apart - I would say to you, you are certainly not lazy or a bad mother.

Pregnancy is MANKY!!! - you got pregnant again before you had a chance to feel normal again after the first birth - in the future, this will be great having 2 DCs so close in age - they will be great friends, at the same stage and probably easier to look after and entertain because of it. The thing is, it is damn hard work when they are very little. Your DD is still so tiny and you are having to look after her whilst pg with another. I found the most difficult time to be when I was carrying my 2nd child - it was awful trying to look after my 1st in such appalling condition.

Pregnancy in itself can make you extremely tired - probably the time you are spending in bed in the day cuddled up with your DD - she is probably absolutely loving it being close to you are having a relaxed sleep.

Of course you won't have shifted your baby weight from your DD - you were pg quickly again - I would try not to worry about this -eat as healthily as you can for now and then once your 2nd is born and you have stuff under control with the pair of them, you can start to try and lose it then.

You will be a stong woman again, don't worry, this is just a really tough patch, but you will come out the other side with 2 DCs that are great friends.

A 5 month old baby does not need to be taken all over the place - she needs her mum and you are cuddling her and having a sleep with her in the day - she will be absolutely fine. To have a bath, could you try putting your DD in her car seat and putting the car seat in the bathroom? I used to do that with both mine. Also, some people don't like them, but I found a playpen very handy - still do for my youngest because then you can go to the toilet etc without worrying that a crawling baby will do something unsafe. If you are too exhausted to chase a moving baby, the playpen will help you alot - put lots of toys in etc.

just wanted to add to all the other good advice that others have already posted,

find as many baby groups locally, there should be a childrens centre open near you now, or try the local churches. I found a couple of afternoon groups that I went to which were great coz I had the whole morning to get myself out the house!

I found it very lonely when DS1 was small after working full time since 16. I missed the company of others.

I couldnt cope with the state of my house either so my reaction was to just go out - I used to walk around the block for hours (it was Autumn & not very nice weather) till I found local baby groups to go to!

Having a routine of baby groups and even going for weekly weigh ins at the childrens centre (DS didnt need to be weighed that often but it was something to do!) gave my life some purpose other than sitting around the house feeling more & more depressed.

Further to recomendations to talk to your HV & GP. i would also suggest contacting the NCT as they are able to tell you what is on in your area, and you may be able to become a member for free if you explain your situation (they are a charity) They are very good at arrqanging events to meet other mums & bubs.

Hey hun, i'm not in the same situation but I do remember what being a mum to a young baby is like.

Take no notice of the adverts, TV shows anything that shows you supermums whizzing round coping with everything and being wonderwomen. They all seem to have happy smiling babies and immaculate homes don't they?

I found it REALLY tough when my DD was small and I had a hell of a lot more support than you do. If you are tending to your babies basic care needs then in all honesty that is all you are expected to do at this stage. I would often let my little un kick around on a blanket on her own while I got on with other stuff or just slobbed on the sofa. lets be fair though they don't really do much when they are tiny do they?!

Never feel guilty for taking a bit of time out where you can. There is no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't be able to put her in her cot and get in the bath, even if she screams the house down for twenty minutes, so what. She can wait and it will do her no harm whatsoever.

If i'm very very honest I didn't really properly enjoy my baby till she was maybe 12 months old. I'm not saying thats the case for everyone but I am saying that it's nothing to feel guilty about and has done our relationship no harm. She is now 5 and we adore each other

If you are pregnant now you will be knackered sweets, bloody hell you've had no rest whatsoever from the hormones. Just do what feels natural, sleep if you have to and get through the next few months. Can your hubby take maybe even an afternoon off to give you a break? Just so you can sleep or go do something nice for yourself? Amazing how much something simple like a nice new haircut can boost your spirits.

Give yourself some credit girl, you're doing a fantastic job x x

Hello There Everyone.

Ive just come home as i had to go out and get nappies. I never thought anyone would reply and i only joined this yesterday,

I cant believe how nice all the folk are who have taken time to write to me.

Im simply overwhelmed and in tears this time as i feel so honoured that you folk too time out froom your lives to give me some wonderful comments and not short ones either.

You dont know how much this means to me. Ive no idea how to contact you all individually to say thanks and to let you know how your kinds words have touched me and helped me today.

Im going to keep pushing on. Im even going to try to get my kitchen back in order in the next hour. (although it may be time for Kim and Aggy to come help!) - but im going to do it.

Thankyou all so much. I was just a bit afraid to mention anything to the Health Visitor or the Doctor incase they phone social services on me. If they saw the mess of me, my house right now and what ive just told you. Maybe they might take my baby off me and i would just kill myself if that ever happened. I never knew how hard it is being a mum and congratualations to you all for being great mums.

Im going to try to get my house back into a bit of order and get ontop of all the washing, then ill have a talk to my health visitor about how tired am feeling and how i feel and know that im not being the best mum i can.

My 5 month old daught can still not roll over and this is probably due to the fact im not doing my best by her and shes not developing properly in some areas.

Apart from that, she is quite a good baby,

So sorry you're having a tough time. Just wanted to say SS will not take your baby off you if you are struggling, they will do anything to help and support you, and I think it's fair to say they only really take a baby from it's family if it's in severe danger of harm, which from the sound of it your dd isn't at all.

Definitely agree with all the others, talk to someone, your gp will definitely be able to help if he/she thinks you are suffering post natal depression and MW and health visitors can help with advice on your own health.

Does your dp really need to work such long hours? I appreciate the need to work and to make money with a growing family, but he does have a responsibility to that family that is beyond just the financial. He needs to give you some more support. Can you sit and have a talk about how you're feeling and come up with a couple of ideas. Even if he takes your dd out for a couple of hours while you have a sleep, or gives you a day off from childcare one day a week so you can relax a bit more.

I hope you find some help soon.

As for the housework thing... tackle it one small thing at a time, one room, one corner of a room even. Don't think "I'm going to blitz the house and it's going to look like a show home in two hours time". More like today I'll concentrate on doing a bit of laundry, tomorrow I'll clean the bathroom. That's what I do. I make a vow to do no more than one hour of cleaning a day (mind you, we have a tiny flat) plus a bit of tidying on top of that. I'm also pg with #2 and I'm guessing I'm a lot older so I'm really haggard

Oh im in tears here reading your post. I have a 2 yr old DS and am 6 weeks pregnant with No 2. First of all the difference between a 5 month old and a 10 month old is gigantic....they eat 3 meals a day and have milk in morning and milk at night and are generally less work and more entertaining. By 12 months they are so much easier again and by 2....you won't remember what it was like to have a baby it's so very different, easier and quick in coming round. Babies are constant work and need constant attention but from 6 months old that work lessens every month. If all new mums knew how true this was there would be much fewer cases of PND!! I was so overwhelemed with how difficult it was with a new baby and I too went from a size 8/10 to a 14/16 and my house work seized the day he was born until he was one. Having clean knickers was 'having a good day'! My DS didn't do any rolling until 7 months and didn't sit up until 9/10 months and didn't walk until 17 months, they all differ. I thought it was my fault for NOT putting him on the floor in fear of him being sick all the time (he had colic and reflux). I have put myself in the 'bad mother' catagory the last 2 weeks because im so exhausted with PG and I have no patience with him and have been screaming at him like a mad woman and lying on the sofa willing him to go away. It's not like me at all but that's exhaustion for you so god knows how the hell you are getting through the day. I promise you this will one day be a distant bad memory for you, you won't remember just how bad it was and you will get into your old clothes again once you have the energy to deal with that but until then, it's your last priority, chocolate helps! I joined a slimming group when DS was 1 and I loved going there every week and enjoyed it alot more than i would have before DS. No idea why, prob because I was missing bath time to go! Maybe because it felt like I was getting my life back, DS was so much easier, I was in control of my weight and feeling like me again but mainly because I had clean knickers on everyday!!! Also when DS was 6 months I started to get out and I took him to swimming classes once a week and I met 4 lovely girls who I still see every week, it's a great way of meeting folk if you find playgroups boring. Local library's usually do a free half our a week of Rhyme Time and you'll meet folk there. It gives you a purpose on certain days and makes life much more fun with your baby as you'll see her loving it too. Try to focus on getting yourself better and into a routine with DH without trying to imagine the new baby as life will be so different another 5 months from now. I appreciate you will have a much harder time with two but my point is, it's goes so unbelievably fast that you will reach these milestones of getting your life back eventually. Good luck and please tell us how you are getting on. xx

Hi Baby2Baby

You've got loads of good advice here, I won't repeat it just one thing no-one has mentioned - you might look into Home Start as well, they are an independent charity (so nothing to do with SS) but you can get the info from your HV, GP or from their website - they send a volunteer to your house each week I think just to chat or to play with children and give you a break or help you going out, whatever you need. I have heard of them helping people before in your situation with babies close together. HTH and a big hug! x

www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/

BABY2BABY

just a couple more things for you

-firstly a cleaning tip (not that I am any good at it!) - babywipes will clean most things - I use them on kitchen surfaces, the floor, the carpet, sofa etc and it saves so much time not getting out loads of different things and just using babywipes that you have nearby anyway

-secondly - don't worry that your daughter can't roll over yet - she will do it in her own time - certainly nothing you have done has prevented her from rolling.

Keep posting on mumsnet, someone can help with most stuff

baby, just wanted to second crokky about your dd not being able to roll over. Ds2 is nearly 6 months & is just about rolling so don't worry. All babies do things in their own time, they can't read the development charts & think I'd better do this now . You're a great mum by giving her lots of love!

And as others have said, your GP or HV wouldn't call SS for this, just try to make sure you get all the help you need. Your dd is loved & well cared for!

Please have a think about getting some help in, either from Homestart or if you can, a cleaner or mother's help. I think this would go a long way towards helping you.

Which part of London are you in? I'm in West London, if we're close then we could meet up if you want some company. I don't want to freak you out, I am normal honest, but as I said before MN is where I met my mum friends!

Hi B2B. Both mine couldnt roll over till they were at least 7 months, dont worry about it.

My DD was 6 months when I realised I was pregnant again. I wont lie, it was bloody hard work. However, the hardest bit was being pregnant, mainly the first 3 months and last 3 months. My DCs are now 18mo and nearly 3 and I wouldnt change it for the world. Your children will be great company for each other. Just find a way to get through the pregnancy and through the first year of your 2nd and you'll look back with a a big 'phew!' but pleased you did it.

Tips from me - get a cleaner for the early months if you can afford it. I dont have one now but needed one then. The state of the house used to really upset me, even though people say just ignore it - you cant always do this, especially when you cant find a clean cup or pair of knickers!

• Sleep whenever the baby sleeps. I used to time both DCs naps together whenever I could so I could nap too.

I dont know what your partners work is but somethings got to give with those hours, its really not fair on you.

How are your finances? Can you afford to put your daughter in a creche or nursery for a few hours?

Keep posting, lots of people are here to help.

Hi B2B don't worry about the rolling over - my two - 14 months apart - were the same as Cazwa's. Well done for summoning the energy to post and reply - life sounds very tough for you so hang in there, one day at a time. Sounds as if you could do with meeting other folk, which takes supreme effort to start with, but bear in mind that others out there will be feeling similar to you and you only need one or two others to create a great support network. It won't feel like it now, but it really is great having two close together. My two now nearly 4 and just 5 and it's wonderful. Whatever you feel you are depriving your daughter of now, you will repay her with by providing a little sibling to keep her company later. That thought used to keep me going through the bad days.....