CAN ANY 2nd TIME MUMS BE HONEST WITH ME - IM NEED THE TRUTH - PLEASE HELP!

[BABY2BABY]

Hello There
I hope anyone can help - Its probably a boring old story for most women to read and i feel bad in wasting folks time even have to read this nonsense.

Im really depressed. I had a lovely daughter nearly 5 months ago and im already nearly 4 months pregnant again.

My partner works from 8am in the morning and doesnt get hone until 10pm some nights.

My house is a dump, Im tired, Im lonely and i rarely go out as i have no energy even to pack the baby bag up. If i have an appointment at the doctors, i start planning days before how im going to make it round there and back as im so tired,

My back killing me, I feel im being a bad mum to my new born daughter as the only thing i seem to be doing is keeping to her care needs. Feeding, Napping Changing, Her daily bath and wee cuddles now and then. But most of the time i let her lie on a big blanket infront of the tv all day and take her to bed with me every few hours for naps.

Im being a really bad mum, I just feel tired and have no energy to do anything.

Im alone here in London, Ive got no friends to help as we just moved here when i was first pregnant with my first and i dont have a mother around.

The other day i asked my neighbour if she could watch my wee daughter so i could get a bath and she said she couldnt as she was so young. I felt really upset about it. Not even a neighbour can help me.

My daughter is also teething and keeping me up in the night,

Im just not coping at all.

Will this get better?

I used to be sucha strong women and to be honest, i hate motherhood, Its tiring and un rewarding (although i love my daughter to bits) id never abandon the little lovely thing.

I used to be 10 stone and i put on 4 and half stone and havent shifted it - Im so depressed about this (and im pregnant again) whats going to become of me? Im so unhealthy and feel awful. My back already sore.

Can anyone give me an honest opinion of what lies for me inthe future?

Am i a lazy bitch? I think i have selfish things too, I really should be pushing myself a bit more and i know this deep down. Im giving up to easy.

OHHHHHHHH im so depressed. Even my house is a mess - I cant get ontop of it.

Please someone, anyone ever had this kind of experience?

Or anyone able to give me a kick up the backside and tell me to be a bloody strong women and stop all my bullshit.

Please, Im depressed about this - I need any kind of advice. The main problem i cant handle is the tiredness and the fact ive had my daughter 24 horus a day since shes been born and ive never had anyhelp.

Hi B2B,

Just a couple of things to add...

You could have a look to see if there is a surestart centre in your area. www.surestart.gov.uk/ They do lots of things like music sessions etc for tiny ones, general coffee mornings etc and everything is free. I'd also look into what the NCT does in your area - they normally have bumps and baby coffee mornings in a local cafe and you don't have to be a member to go along.

Also this probably goes without saying but if you go to your GP, make sure you get to talk to a woman, so you get some empathy rather than just a medical point of view.

Good luck and hang on in there. Life will definitely get better for you...

hi baby2baby, no honey you arent lazy you sound depressed this isnt you failing or you being a bad mum, of course your tired you have a young baby and pregnancy brings tiredness im constantly on the couch with a cover, you really need to talk to someone, maybe look into groups where maybe you could meet people in the same situation as you, good way too meet people get you out the house, have you been able too talk too your partner............you'll always have friends here xxxxxxxxxx be proud off yourself xxxxxx

i dont know if anyone will want to but i was wondering about someone doing a group on this on facebook if baby2baby was ok with it..........it would easier too keep in contact it would also put faces to us you never know baby2baby you might meet people in your area looking for the same help (just a thought)

i have a dd who is 9 months and im 6 and half months pregnant i feel so knackered all the time i can't be bothered to leave the house...i just tr to get through to the next day, i do have days i just cried ( yesterday) my dh was soo worried, but i felt so better afterwards, i have food in the freezer, for days when food doesn't get cooked/cant get cooked, i have local cheap take away contacts details, i try to do a lil cleaning at a time...

things wil chnge once your baby starts solids, after 6 months, u will find she finds her own routine...

you are defo not alone..i feel like u

oh B2B... i feel so much for you. i think you are being heroic. but you really, really need help- of the physical, material kind. you need at the very least talk to your dh about how you are struggling, his hours sound insane, he needs to either be able to spare some time to help (maybe at the weekend) or pay for someone to come just one or two hours a week to help you out with the housework and the baby.

your hv will be anything BUT judgemental, trust me. there's lots of ways you can be helped, baby groups, surestart drop-ins etc.

do oyu have a park nearby? make a habit of going there EVERY MORNING for a couple of hours, it'll help clear your mind, get some exercise, your baby will love it, and you'll most likely make friends- all mums of newborn babies feel lonely and isolated, to a certain extent

please, do let us know how you are doing.

Hi b2b, I just wanted to say you are not a lazy or bad mum. You are just doing what you can to get through the day at the mo. Being pregnant can be soooo exhausting when you have another dc to look after. My dc are 19 months apart and it is hard work but lovely. They get on so well and the small age gap will be worth it in the end, although it probably doesn't feel like that now.

Where in London are you?

Wow! DD was 9 months old when I got pregnant with ds and I found that hard enough.

I'm sorry you are finding it difficult, new babies are exhausting and pregnancy is exhausting so no wonder really, but just think how amazing it will be when they are both toddling and are able to play together

Floor time is good for babies so don't worry about that. Do you have a play gym/mat you put her on? If not it might be an idea to get one (as she seems to be happy lying on the floor) as she would then be getting stimulation from the toys on it. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Otherwise just put toys near her on the floor. Also how does she like tummy time? DD used to spend ages lying on her tummy looking around the room (ds screamed if I ever put him down so I used to wear him in the sling all day).

As for housework, just do the bare minimum,there is honestly no point in wearing yourself out trying to have a pristine house. I find doing a little bit every day helps keep it under control. When ds was tiny this was literally just doing the dishes and feeding us all with hoovering and cleaning the bathroom happening every so often. Now I manage to wash dishes, wipe kitchen, hoover downstairs, do laundry and quickly wipe the bathroom everyday without too much effort and the rest happens as and when. Join us on this thread for support and motivation with housework, we're all people to whom it doesn't come naturally!

Good luck anad congratulations on your pregnancy

Hi

Poor you hey? I really feel for you, you sound really unhappy.

I second the comments about getting in touch with a HV or doc to talk through how you are feeling. Talk to your partner too and make sure he understand exactly how you are feeling.

The only thing I can suggest to help yourself is to set out some sort of routine for the week or even just a day at a time and try to make yourself do it. I'm not talking like a strict routine but just something like 'I will wash my hair' or I will make every effort to get to a mum and baby group or a walk round the park. I'm sure it would lift your mood a bit once you were out of the house.

I totally sympathise that it is hard to get motivated when you're so tired.

Don't be too hard on yourself, motherhood takes a lot of adjusting to.

B2B, how are you today? Please come back & let us know how you're getting on

Hi,

I hope you're doing ok?

I just wanted to add that my sister was in the same situation as you, with 1 about 4 years old, 1 baby and found out she was pregnant with a 2 months of giving birth, and it was either the HV or surestart (I'll check which one) organised for her to have someone from the local college who was training to be a nursery nurse to come in and give her a hand? May they could do the same for you or perhaps you could advertise there for someone to help a few hours a week with baby so you could bath, do the dishes or even just put on clean knickers and read a magazine?

Also my Mum works as an outreach worker for Surestart.. and her job is to help people just like you, she runs creches so you can have time to yourself, and she also does homes visits, to help out and sometimes just to have a cup of tea and chat... it's not about judging anyone... she's just there to be a friend! Someone has already put the link up, so please think about contacting them..... they also do drop-in sessions, where you can go, play with the toys and just meet other mums!

If it helps to know, I was there all the time when DD was little... it was a Godsend!

Thinking of you... and sending big hugs. XXX

Hi. It does get better. Really it does. Being pregnant is the worst. You just feel so tired. I remember putting off potty training my oldest as the thought of walking up the stairs was exhausting.

My dh works long hours too and goes away sometimes. You need to find some friends who you can hang around with and your life will change. Surestart is a great place to start if there is one in your area.

My dd1 was eight and a half months when she rolled over.

Hi - I have been reading your posts and it has moved me to tears. It reminds me so much of what I went through with my first. And my second didnt turn up until 2.5yrs later.
I guesse you must realise by now that you are not alone in feeling like this.
Its tough when you have no family around you and your life is turned upside down by the new arrival but stick at it -its so worth it.
Be brave and talk to the HV and as others have said go out and try the baby groups. They were my lifeline - every mother feels like you do at some point (if they say they havent their lying). I recommend surestart as others have or just find the local parent and toddler group.
Sending you good vibes from new zealand . Lavender

Hi there too. I have a 16mth gap between mine, and I think the worst bit was the night waking for ds combined with being pregnant with dd. It was totally exhausting. Having friends who were also struggling in various ways (although they all waited a few months before their (planned) second babies) was incredibly helpful, just so that I didn't feel alone in struggling, and also sometimes that I could feel at least ds didn't do xxx . I met mine through the NCT (they organise local mums and toddler meet and greet sessions). Lots of other ways to meet people, try a few and don't worry if you hate the first one or two, I'm sure you will find something you like Libraries are an excellent source of information on all sorts of local groups, and your HV shoudl know some too.

Again to second others in saying that once you get through the first year or two it is so nice having them close together, and many of your friends will then envy you because you won't worry about an older child hurting the younger one, or finding things they both like to do, or entertaining them, as they are highly likely to be best friends.

For right now just grab as much help as you can!

Oh and my best wishes come from Canada! International support you have

baby2baby your post really touched me. i hope you have spoken to your health visitor or GP. i had very bad postnatal depression after the birth of my first child. i completely relate to how you are feeling. you need help with the baby, for you to have some time to yourself.

i know a lot of people say dont worry about your messy house. for me, if my house is messy, it depresses me even more. so if you are like me (hopefully not!) then any chance of getting some one to come help out even once a week?

at least please go see your doctor.

you are doing a great job with your baby. dont attack yourself please.

Hi Baby2Baby, only just seen your post and although I didn't have PND I completely understand the not being able to do anything / get anywhere. I spent about 4 months feeling like that, and I didn't even have a husband at work for that many hours, and in the end what helped me was managing to get out to a mother and baby group. I was terrified, thought everyone would know each other / be unfriendly / be in full make-up by 10am and I was completely wrong about all of it. Most of them looked as knackered and dishevelled as me, they all had the same kind of anxieties and I just felt like sitting there and crying it was such a relief. Mumsnet is also great for this kind of support but I don't think there's anything like getting out and actually meeting real people. Another advantage is that as it will just be once a week you don't have to make the same effort every day, although after a while you might want to find other groups to go to. Have a look on your local bit of Mumsnet, or netmums, or in the library or ask the health visitor for information. Once I realised that I could get myself and baby up and out once a week, it seemed easier to do a bit more. Thinking of you.

Hi! I was pregnant again when DS was 7 months (had PND) and it was sooo hard that I started therapy. After the birth I was on antidepressants. Now they are 3 and 4 (and I'm pregnant again . It is great for them to have each other. It is great for me to have them. But at the time I thought that it had been a mistake, that motherhood really didn't suit me and felt very guilty for this.
Thanks God, as they grow, I can enjoy them more. IT WILL GET BETTER

It's so tough, and mine was 14mo when I got pregnant again! You are obviously a fantastic mum, though, to care enough to join MN and try to get some advice. You ARE being strong and doing something about it, you just need a bit more help. Your little ones are lucky to have you!

haven't read all the thread but i wanted to say baby2baby that my dd's consultant paediatrician told me that babies don't really learn to roll over by 5 months any more, despite what the books say.
in the old days they did, he told me, because babies were laid on their tummies to sleep so they got that push-up experience. my dd2 is 8 and a half months (7months corrected cos she was prem) and she's only just learned how to turn over from her back. now there's no stopping her.
so you can cross that off your list of things to worry about.
i think, sweetheart, that you are in a DIFFICULT place right now, and you should accept any help any HV/GP/baby group can give you. but go easy on yourself... staying in bed and trying to sleep is clever under the circumstances.
did you see this photo of sporty spice in the papers today? i LOVE it. I LOVE that she's gone to a party where she KNOWS she'll be photographed etc wearing joggers and a tee because, well, she's got a new wee baby and they should be grateful that she turned up at all. THAT's normal.

Hi B2B,

I haven't read the entire thread just enough to get the general gist so I apologise in advance if i repeat anything you have already been told.

I currently have a dd who is 8 1/2 months and I am 20 weeks pregnant with my second,250 miles away from my family and old friends. Luckily my husband is supportive in the fact that he works regular hours but I did use all of the suggestions you ahve already been given to build a support group 1st time around with Sure Start and the NCT being particularly helpful.

Some other tips that I have been given to help with the arrival of the 2nd by mums who have already been their is to get my DD1 into nursery now for at least 1 day a week so that when I'm heavily pregnant/dealing with a new born I know that one day of the week should be slightly easier than the others. Not sure on your financial situation but try talking to the Citizens Advice Bureau to make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to.

The second great tip I have been given is that my local college who do nursery nursing, look to place the students with a family for 2 days a week every term. They like you to have a baby and a slightly older child so you would fit the criteria perfectly if someone in your area does this. Evidently the students in question are still in training so you would take things slowly but they will definitly be able to hold the baby whilst you get a cup of tea/ sandwich/ shower etc if not so much more. My general thinking is that if I could get that type of help free for 2 days a week and have the oldest in nursery 1 day a week then things will be much easier until I get on top of everything and the new baby is slightly more independant. Please check the colleges in your area to see if anyone does this type of thing.

With regards to the PND as everyone else says please seek advice, I have a friend going through this just now and like anyone who has ever been there her only regret is that she didn't speak up earlier.

Hope the above isn't all too cold (sorry I'm a very practical person), wishing you all the best, let us know how you are doing.

Baby2baby, sorry I haven't read the whole thread (my 2 dd's, 3.2 and 2 - 14months apart), are destroying the sofa in front of cbeebies, whilst I 'make a quick cup of coffee'!

I just wanted to say that I found it very hard being pregnant with dd2, I felt very sad that that i was in some way 'betraying' dd1 (sounds odd, I know), I was knackered, everyone else seemed to be enjoying their babies, whilst i was feeling sick, worrying about blood pressure etc. Things felt a lot better after having dd2, although hard work (we moved when dd2 was 6 weeks old, makes me deel sick thinking about it!), emotionally I felt better because I realised how much I could love them both.

I'm sure everyone has suggested these things but these helped with me

NCT refresher course for 2nd time mums (met mums who were as scared etc as me)

Surestart (when I moved)

Mumsnet (2 under 2 support thread for moaning and whinging)

Cbeebies

Strong coffee

Rescue remedy

Oh and a friend who had a hard time when dc2 came along found having a cleaner helped, so maybe having someone in once a week would help to keep on top of stuff.

Hope you are ok

Hi, I havent read the whole thread but I was/am in a very similar position to you. I had ds and fell pregnant again when he was 3 months old. There isnt even a year between my little ones. I was only 20 when ds was born and when I was 6 months pregnant with dd I split up with their dad. I was also at uni and still am now. Ds is nearly 2 and dd is nearly 1.

First thing I want to say is that being pregnant with a little one is much harder than them both being outside.
Secondly you need to get some help. You can not carry on like this on your own. speak to your gp, health visator or homestart.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression aqt the beginning of the year. Im on anti depressants and although they are working I still get really really bad days and this place is my salvation. I really struggle to cope and dont know how to get dressed or out of bed some days. the kids get the bare minimum.... food etc. somedays they dont even get dressed but theyre ok and are happy little things. My uni assignments are always late in and im left feeling like a failure.... basicly your human. You have a lot on your plate.

it does get better but you need to find someone to help you out. would it be worth getting a cleaner to come in and help with the housework, maybe a nanny to look after your daughter so you can go and sleep?

Hope your ok.

forgot to mention aston and parsons powders are a life saver for teething and anbesol. They have been real life savers for me.

Just wanted to add that your post could have been written by me..... that is my life you were describing. I know exactly what you mean about going out, the effort it takes and how you have to plan it in advance.