4 weeks pregnant and terrified please help. Long sorry.

[Confusedandterrified]

Not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes, I have name changed by the way.
I am married and have a 9 month old DS and found out last night that I am pregnant (about 4 weeks). We have been careful I am on the pill and we don't have sex very often at moment so this has come as a BIG shock and we are actually quite gutted.
I only went back to work after my maternity leave a week ago and i just can't quite believe this is happening. I also have the threat of redundancy hanging over me and I'm not sure if my job is safe. Our home is not big enough for another baby and we cannot afford to move. Both me and DH just do not feel ready for another baby emotionally and financially.
We would like more time with our DS alone and although it probably wouldn't happen, i don't want us to end up resenting this baby because it wasn't planned etc. We would like another baby in the future but not now. I also haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't taken folic acid, I have taken ibuprofen, been drinking although not heavily and I am terrified I will have damaged the baby.
We have talked about it and I am going to see the doctor today to talk about what our options are. We feel that termination is the best option but we are worried that we will regret it, I just feel utterley guilty and shitty but I don't see an alternative. I don't even know what a termination at this stage would involve. Would it affect my future fertility?
Please don't flame me, I am already doing that to myself, what I really need is some advice and support. We can't talk to family and friends about this as they would judge us.

Bump

oh confused!

I'm pregnant. It was a shock.

Our house does not feel big enough but we don't want to move yet. So, if you decide you want to keep it it will all be OK.

Don't think termination affects future fertility. Depends how young you are. ( I had one years and years ago)

Good luck with whatever you decide. I was told not to worry about early drinking and ibuprofen taking, but feels like you need reasons.

I am so sorry you are in this position - you sound so worried and down! I have little advice other than to say someone out here is listening and sympathising. Certainly not about to flame you!
I noticed that you said "we" are going to the GP and "we have talked" - sounds like you are in a good relationship there with a DH supporting you. I understand why you feel unable to discuss with friends and family, take heart in the knowledge that DH is there right by your side and the internet can give a little extra support if helpful xx

I really hope that the meeting with your GP gives you some facts and information that will help you to make this difficult decision. Whatever the outcome, you are doing the right thing by talking together and visiting your GP. I have no medical knowledge re: folic acid and alcohol BUT I know loads of women are pregnant without realising it, have carried on drinking etc. and had a perfectly healthy baby - me included!

Good luck and keep talking if it helps xxx

Not an expert but didn't want you going unread.

Re the health of the baby - it's so not unusual for mothers to be drinking and taking stuff in early pregnancy (after all, it's often the cause of pregnancy!) that I think nature allows for this. I got engaged around the same time as I got pregnant, and was being wined and dined solidly (including hangover pain pills) for about 2 weeks before I realised something was up... Baby was absolutely gorgeous fine.

Termination - if it's what you want - at this stage would probably be chemical, and wouldn't affect your future fertility iirc. Later termination with a D&C can, but only by introducing a minor risk of infection.

Talk it over with the doctor. You've go plenty of time to come to a decision right now. Let the panic subside and see what happens?

Best of luck.

coudnt not answer.

i'm now 7weeks 3days pg and we had only just thought we would try for one more not thinking that we would literally fall straight away. i had only just started folic acid the day i found out i had been drinking although like you not heavily just the odd drink at home with hubby

my husband was made redundant last nov and we only rent now as we were made bankrupt 2 yrs back.

i guess what i am trying to say is can you ever be ready? this will be our 3rd and im guilty to say that although we were literally just trying after a slip up when i saw pg on the test i was very shocked and like you panicked
now i have come around to the idea think it was the shock more than anything.

i thought about termination but i have suffered with pnd and i will be honest i think it wld make me have a melt down.

im now back on track but just like any other pg lady im terrified! my head is always full of what ifs..

as for affecting future fertility i dont think it will all going well... but if you think you may have more down the line maybe think harder about keeping?

sorry i have probably been no help at all

i hope that things become clear for you soon

I have just phoned my doctors surgery and the receptionist told me they had no appointments and I literally broke down in tears. I am in bits , she is going to phone me back in a few minutes with numbers of family planning etc.

confused, have a look for the BPAS in your phone book.
I used them when I wanted a termination and they were absolutely fabulous. You should be able to make an appt just to go in and talk to a counsellor about it

i really can't recommend them highly enough.

OK, I really don't know anything about this at all so ignore me if I'm talking through my arse. I can see that you're really distressed about this but you only found out last night and you're ringing for appointments already. You've got time on your side so maybe you need to take a day or two to just think it through? I stress, I've never been in this position so I could be completely wrong but it just feels like you're trying to make a big decision very very quickly.

But whatever, I really hope it works out the way you want it to and (hugs) x

glad the receptionist is going to give you some phone numbers. Family planning can be really supportive.

Please don?t cry! There is a way through this, as awful as it seems, and you will get through it. Time is on your side at the moment, you do not need to make a decision today. Just a suggestion: take a deep breath, and make today the day you find out as many facts and think of all the different options, feelings etc., look at the money carefully etc. - fact gathering day. It is not the end of the world right now. You have options, a lovely son and a DH who is talking and supporting you. Together you can work your way through the facts, talk through the emotions and come to a decision that is right for your family xx

You sound just like I did when I found out i was expecting no2! I am due at the end of the month and there will be a 20 month age gap.

Although i was around 9-10 weeks before I realised! I had just returned to work too! I put down feeling tired all the time to being back at work and having DS to look after! Even when i took the test i didnt think I was pregnant, i only did it "for piece of mind" as i couldnt remember when i had my last period and had gotten out of the habit of recording in my diary!

For me though DH was very happy and excited and got me through the first few weeks when i was deep in shock - everything you have written could have been me in those early days! Then I felt even worse as DS was such a wanted pregnancy and i wasnt feeling the same!

We are in a 2 bed massionette, with biggish rooms so they have to share but that is no real hardship. My only concern is the two flights of external concrete steps up to our front door. But have to deal with it as we cannot afford to move at the moment either.

Once I told work and all the friends & family I started feeling more optimistic and now i am rather excited. (although lots of jokes from people about getting a TV and us being sex addicts)

I would hold off making any decisions regarding a termination just know and let the panic settle and maybe speak to a few trusted friends/family - i was surprised how positive everyone was when I told them despite me thinking it was the end of the world!

Confused- just to let you know almost EVERY pregnant woman is vey scared. Please take some time to relax and try to think clearly- try to clear the panic from your head as you don't want to make such a big decision whilst panicking. I was absolutely terrified for the first three months of pregnancy; i think partly it is the hormones as I had planned and wanted a baby, but I couldn't help thinking I'd damaged it by eating something i shouldn't, inhaling car fumes , whatever!!! I was freaking out. Lots of women do. Also have a think about how nice your current baby is; think carefully about whether you might in fact feel worse if you terminated than if you kept.
Half the folks I know live with two kids in a flat that's too small. They still have fun, love their kids, etc. It means a lot that your DH is supportive. It makes a HUGE differnece. At least you get the kids thing over with and in five years you'll be sorted as they're both at school! There really is no perfect age gap; all of them have their difficulties, seriously I mean it. Maybe this is the hand life has dealt you and there's no saying it's any worse or better than having a two year age gap. I mean that! I know you feel freaked out and like you can't handle a second child now, but believe me you'll feel like that whenever you go ahead and try again for a second one. Noone is ever ready for a second child; it is scary, but we manage and it's chaos but we enjoy it and we love love love them to bits and NEVER regret it.

I agree with everyone who says take a bit of time.

If you're only 4 weeks then you have plenty of time to decide what is right for you. You must both be in shock at the moment - and that's not a good time to be making any decisions.

Practical considerations can work themselves out - finances, size of house etc. are all things to consider but are not so important that they should be the only reason to terminate. This should all come down to whether or not you want to have this baby. There is no right or wrong answer to this (although it is something to consider over a couple of weeks, not just one day) because it is a personal decision.

Please give yourself a chance to get used to the idea before you decide - you will definitely regret a rushed decision (even if it's the right one for you IYSWIM).

Hope you're ok.

I just had a look at BPAS and you've got until 9 weeks to have an early medical abortion (which is just a case of taking some drugs to induce miscarriage) - that is lots of time to make the decision that is right for you.

I have just spoken to a lovely nurse at the central family planning clinic in our area. She said pretty much the same as you Crunch, up to 9 weeks a medical termination if it's after that then a surgical termination would be needed. I have to go to hospital for the medical termination, 2 appointments a week apart taking the medication on both occasions. She gave me the number for BPAS so that I can arrange it if that's what we decide.
This is so hard, I feel in termoil I know we are not ready for this baby and I don't feel happy like I did with DS, I am so upset right now.

Confused I'm glad you spoke to someone nice.

Initial reactions can change (I have gone from horrified to delighted myself).

You and your DH are in shock right now. Give yourselves at least a week to let the dust settle and get used to the idea.

As I said before, this is a decision for you two and no one else, but it's not a decision that can be rushed (and it doesn't need to be). You may find you feel very differently in a few days, or you may find you're even more certain you want an abortion - either way you are more likely to make a proper decision that you won't regret.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do.

Confused, you poor thing, no wonder your emotions are all over the place!

Agree with everybody elso who is saying you'd be wise to allow yourself and your DH some time to let this unexpected news sink in. Obviously nobody other than yourself can decide what is the right thing for you to do at this point in your life.

I have in my professional capacity (GP) spoken to lots of girls/woman with unplanned pregnancies, some of which continued with it and some who decided to terminante. IME those who come to whatever decision for THE RIGHT REASONS are the ones who will not suffer in the longterm over what decision they made. I know of woman who had the unplanned baby, never bonded, feel guilty about not "liking" their baby and wish they had had a termination. Equally, there are of course people who regret the termination they had, some almost immediately, some 20 yrs later.

Give yourself time, maybe write down pros and cons of continuing or not the pregnancy. Bear in mind babies do not need a lot of space and money (DS2 spent his first 6 months sleeping in the pram in our kitchen ; I had conceived him 5 months postnatally whilst Bfing DS1), but undoubtedly lots of care and attention.

You sound v shocked by the discovery of your pregnancy, but also quite dismayed at the thought of termination.
Is your head telling you one thing, and your heart another? See how you feel in a few days time.

Good luck. I have 17m between my two and the second was accidental, but after mixed feelings at the start I wouldn't change things (and they love playing with each other too).

But OTOH I'm pro-choice (had a termination years ago too) and so I hope you have the chance to make the right decision for you.

Have just spoken to DH, he's at work, I have phoned in sick as I really am in no state to be at work, DS is at nursery.
He suggested we talk about it more and I look into how much help we could get financially and that I spend today looking into stuff, geat minds think alike Lemontart . He is just as terrified as I am but he is very supportive and after all it isn't just my baby it's his too.
I thought it would be a case of taking a morning after type pill from the GP but it isn't as easy as that. Has anyone else had a medical termination? It really worries me that it will be painful and really traumatic and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Will I always be thinking "the baby would have been ..... by now"?
Although I am only 29, we have a history of early menopause in my family, what if this is natures way of telling us do it now cos soon it'll be too late. I am also worried about the pressure it will put on our marriage too, it's hard enough already with juggling DS and work and money etc, what if this pushes us over the edge?

I agree that you should give yourself some time.

Also bear in mind that no one can really control age gaps. We started trying for baby no. 2 after two years but had two miscarriages (very ordinary ones, there's nothing specially wrong with me) and ended up with a nearly 5 year age gap between our two. So although this may not be ideal either for you, by having a termination you still won't necessarily guarantee that you will end up with a good age gap eventually.

I also think that if it's a case of not wanting a second child at all, a termination is more likely to be a decision you'll feel comfortable with longterm. If it's a case of the time not being right - well like other people have said and I found from having the m/cs - there never really is a time that's perfectly right. At some point in a year or so you'll be trying for a baby, testing every month perhaps, maybe having an early m/c here and there - at that point it may be harder to think about a previous termination.

Speculating a bit here - but I think in your position (just guessing here) I would feel tempted possibly to want to get a termination all over with as quickly as possible so you could almost not feel like you've been pregnant really, at all. But you will always know that you were pregnant (and that awareness will probably be very strong when you do start trying again for a second baby), so I would be cautious if you're feeling like that. It has to be the right decision, not just a fast one.

I'm so sorry if that's too much speculation. I do hope you can find a decision you're OK with soon - good luck.

Cross posted with your post - I'm glad you're doing some more thinking and looking and have taken the day off, sounds like a good plan.

OK, I don't have any experience of terminations, and would agree with all those who say you should give yourseves a bit of time before making any decisions.

But I can tell you that I felt similarly shocked when I fell pg with ds2. DS1 was only 5 months old, my dad had just died about a month before I found out, DP was a student with no job to go back to, and I was still on ML. But I was 40, and we knew we wanted another DC at some stage and that we didn't have forever to hang around, so we went ahead and now have lovely ds2. The closeness in age means they are really close, and there was no jealousy when ds2 was born. It is difficult at times to have two close together, but it's also wonderful, and so if it's only practical considerations you're worried about, I'd agree with YKNOTC who says that these things can sort themselves out.

It was, erm, interesting going back to work with an enormous bump though...

Your DH sounds great - the most important thing at this stage is to really keep talking so that you can make the decision that is right for all of you. Good luck.

you sound a little more positive after talking to DH
Glad you are not going into work, sounds like you could do with a little head space and time to slow down, gather your thoughts and facts together. tc xxx

I have made an appointment at the BPAS clinic for a consultation next week just to talk to someone and get all the information I can about this and what a termination would involve before making any decisions. Hopefully DH can come with me too.
You speculations are right Starfish, it does feel like I want to get this over with ASAP so it feels like it never happened, I feel scared that the longer I leave it the more guilty I will feel. However, like everyone has said this not a quick decision and it's one we need to think very carefully about.

confused, could they not offer you anything sooner than that????
do you think it'd be worth seeing if you could speak to a GP or someone in the meantime?
it's a long time to wait

Hi.

So sorry you're in such s state about it.

It sounds to me like you've made your mind up what you want to do and are talking yourself into it more by worrying about the ibuprofen/drinking/no folic acid thing.

You shouldn't worry about them as lots of people don't find out they're pregnant till later and have had far too much to drink.

My DD was unplanned and I was single!!! I was worried as had been on some serious benders...Doctor assured me that if it was that easy to get rid of/damage a baby then abortion wouldn't need to exist.

I can see why you are not happy about it and how it would impact your relationship with each other and your 9 mth old is a real concern.

I do think though that you could seriously regret a quick decision.

To play devils advocate, would it be that much harder to have another one really?? You must still have a lot of baby stuff and they would be very close in age and could share a room etc.

It is your decision of course and I am in no way judging you.

I was booked to have a termination when I found out I was PG as I was single, lived in a shared house with my mates, had NO savings and was in £10k worth of debt!

In the end I couldn't so it and for me it was the best thing I've ever done and I am now happily expecting my second baby ( all planned ) I never actually struggled either and all the things I thought would be impossible weren't.

It's a very personal decision, hope you're okay, take some time to think things through xx