Guilty secret - gender preference...help me overcome it!

[FlirtyThirty]

Ok - I know that it's not really socially acceptable to say it...and I know how incredibly lucky I am to be pregnant...but over the last few weeks (I'm 32wks PG) I have come to realise that deep in my heart of hearts, I do secretly hope I'm having a girl.

I know it's ridiculous, and I haven't uttered a word of this to anyone (even DH), and neither do I indend doing so...but I really want to find a way to get this out of my system. I'm actually quite embarrassed that I even feel this way.

I don't doubt for a second that i will love my baby equally whatever the gender when it appears...but neither do I want even the tiniest fragment of disappointment if it's a boy. So...what I'm wondering is...if this happened to you, did it disappear at the birth? or how did you deal with it?

Thanks... x

Agree with Peppermint. I think it's natural to have strong feelings on which gender you'd like. I think for many people that feeling only lasts as long as the pregnancy, as soon as the baby is there then you can't imagine having any other baby, boy or girl, or any more fantastic than your own!

I am 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby and both my husband and myself have been hoping for a girl. I had a scan yesterday as I have a medical complication and it was obvious that it was a boy and the sonographer confirmed this. I feel so terrible about being disappointed especially as we went through IUI fertility treatment to have this baby. I don't know if it is because I wanted the dresses, whether it is because my mother-in-law insisted it had better be a boy to carry on the family name as I am 37 and not likely to have another or what it is. Deep down I have always thought it would be a boy but it hasn't quashed the disappointment. I haven't told my husband it is a boy (he couldn't come with me) but he knows I will be disappointed when he finds out it will be a boy and I don't know how he will be or if it will cause problems between us.

i have one of each so far and was very pleased at both scans when they confirmed the sex of the baby as i really wanted one of each....with this third pregnancy i find myself secretly hoping for a girl - i have my ten yr old, a twelve yr old step daughter who are the best of friends and i adore my son to absolute bits - i would really like the relationship between him and my new husband to carry on the way it is [they are as close as a 'real' father and son although he does see his real dad every other week] for this reason i find myself hoping he is the only boy BUT this is a silly irrational fear only appeared in this pregnancy and if it were a boy i would be OVER THE MOON as we have decided firmly on our boys name and i can totally imagine holding him in my arms....its just girls clothes are sooooo much prettier....goodness how shallow does that sound ha ha.....you will feel no disappointment when this bubba is in your arms....xxx

I had a preference, the opposite to what I actually got it turned out. I did feel upset when I found out at the scan. I didn't want a girl, I didn't know what I would do with a girl. What I didn't realise is that I wasn't having a girl, I was having my dd and she was fabulous because she was who she was, all gender issues aside.

It's normal to feel this way when pg but like others say, when the baby's here it's an entirely different story. And you know what, if I ever had another, I'd want another girl now. Ridiculous isn't it?

Very quickly as I am rushing to get mine to school. I could have written your post - in fact I did, though I found out what my babies were in advance.

I had 2 DDs and desperately wanted a third. Scan said boy. I was gutted. Lots of good advice from lovely MNetters. Still felt a bit ambivalent til he arrived to be honest. Now he is the most gorgeous child alive (apart from the other 2 of course). IME babies are babies (not boy or girl) for a long while and then they get a personality which is not gender specific. They also like non gendered things. My DD1 is very girly and sweet, whereas DD2 loves rough and tumble and Thomas. You will love your baby and be thrilled whichever sex he or she is. I honestly thought I woulv never be able to "bond" with a boy and was totally wrong. You will be fine.

I found out with mine, but I can imagine that the surprise of finding out after labour / cs myst be so great that it would cancel out any feelings of disappointment. To be presented with a hot, wet baby and finally meet it is the best feeling in the world and you will not mind whatever it is.

I wanted a girl (am another only child) and almost collapsed with relief when (after amnio) doc told me it was a girl.

I honestly don't know why. I know had she been a boy, the love would have been the same....she was the first girl in dp's family for 50 years, so I kind of felt the odds were stacked against me....

also wanted a girl after dd1, there's nothing wrong with preferring one sex over another

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I REALLY wanted a girl! - they run in my family! I simply assumed my baby would also be a girl. I did not want a boy. Not one bit.

I had the opportunity to find out the sex at a scan andit showed that it was a boy.

I'll admit I was disappointed.

for a while!

Then I remembered I was actually happy about having a baby! Then I got quite excited choosing names and stuff. By the time he was born, I'd forgotten all about wanting a girl! It didn't matter to me.

In fact, next time round I was hoping for another boy! (I got one )

My advice would be to find out the sex now, if possible. Give yourself time to get any feelings out of the way and think about names and see your baby as a real person. - iyswim. I mean of course it's a real person, sorry, but knowing the gender, choosing a name...can, imo, really help.

I wouldn't set myself impossible targets about how you have to feel at the moment of birth.

Lots of people don't feel anything at all. Some feel tired or bad-tempered or disappointed. In most cases this means nothing. But if you then start feeling guilty about your feelings, they take on far too much importance.

My Mum was so spaced out that she wondered why the doctor was crying (it was the baby!).

I thought 'where have they hidden my boy then?' (but have been very close to my girl ever since).

It really doesn't matter; you're allowed to have irrational feelings as long as you don't let them go on to dominate the way you behave.

tracy I can only echo what everyone else has said before, its ok to feel like this and at the moment you haven't met your baby so all you can 'bond' with is the gender, I'm sure you will feel differently when the baby is here.

I have 2 boys and am pg with no 3, I was disappointed no2 was a boy and I didn't instantly get over it like some of the other posters have said they did, when it was hard with him I kind of resented him being a boy but I love him to bits, he is very close to his brother and I don't feel like I would change him for the world but I still have an ache to have a dd and I think if I have another ds (our last baby) then I will still feel like I missed out on having a mother daugther relationship but its not about dc3 iykwim, I find now the feeling of disappointment is seperate from the actual baby but still there, I get jealous of friends with dd's and especially of my SIL with her daugther but thats my issue not theirs and I can't tell you enough how much I do adore my boys

Hope that makes sense, talk it through with your dh if its getting you down, he might supprise you and be really excited or maybe just share that disappointment so you don't feel alone, dh and I have often had the conversation about having a dd and I know he feels the same as me, go shopping for blue things and talk through names (we haven't even decided on a girls name this time), you haven't got long to wait to meet your ds, try not to brood about it, I believe we are given the perfect family for us at the right time (although my MIL constantly tells me I'm having a boy again and that niggles I'd love to have a girl just to prove her wrong so understand why its so irriating when they express their opinion )

good luck x

i am 20 weeks today and had my 20 week scan on tuesday and she said 'possibly a girl' then 10 mins later 'i dont know' im dead set on having a girl...i have a ds so really want a dd...i am booking a private sexing scan in next few weeks cos desperately want to know!

i know i shouldnt have a preference but i do and feel really bad about it!!

It's my guilty secret having a preference but I'm 13 weeks and would like another girl too. And my reasons sound ridiculous too because they're not necessarily dependent on gender.

DS who is now 4 has been so very difficult and challenging for us as first time parents. We love him very much but I'm really glad he's growing out of the difficult toddler stage. It was hellish.

Also, it was a very difficult birth with him - big head, got stuck, long labour ending in section.

Plus there'll be such a big hoo ha from DH's family if it's a boy because girls currently outnumber boys in the GC arena. I'd rather avoid that totally. It makes me feel very tired.

DD is your classic easy second child. VBAC, slept well from the off, easy bfing, eats brilliantly, hardly ever tantrums (well, she's still got time as she's only 2!).

So, of course I imagine another daughter to be like her. But I know lots of girls who were hard work as babies and toddlers. I'm being daft but I'd still like another girl.

Ladies...it's a few months since I started this thread, and I'm now due tomorrow. I have re-read your responses again and thought about how I feel some more as a result.

It's true - a tiny part of me is still hoping it's a girl...BUT, I have to say, now I'm just incredibly excited about meeting my baby, regardless...and I've realised that what I'm actually most looking forward to is the relationship I have with the child over the years to come. I look round my own family at the mother/son relationships and see the strength in them much more clearly. Initially I think I worried that without a girl I would miss out on some special bond...I was wrong...and I now think I can have that whatever. I'm certainly going to work hard and trying, I know that.

Flirty x

With my first pregnancy I wanted a girl. I lost my birth mother and have a difficult relationship with my grandmother who raised me. I wanted a girl so that I could experience a close mother/daughter bond. I also wanted to use my birth mother's name somehow. I didn't tell anyone about this preference, was too ashamed to admit it. In hindsight I should have talked about it.

However when my DS was born, I was delighted. I did have some emational issues to deal with after the birth but they were not because he was a boy. In fact if my first had been a girl it might have been more difficult for me dealing with childhhod issues.

I am 34 weeks pregnant now and know I am having a girl. Of course I am delighted but know I would have loved another boy just as much. This is why we found out, so if there was even a hint of disappointment I could get over it.

It might seem wrong to some people but we can't help our feelings. There are many many reasons why some people might prefer to have one sex over another. Childhood issues, relationship with parents/siblings etc. It is admitting this and dealing with it that is important and I am pretty sure if you are handed a boy you will be over the moon!

Oh just to add that I have the most special bond with my gorgeous little boy. You will be fine good luck!

It is no different in a way to us wanting a baby that sleeps and eats well. Or one that is easy going. It is an important part of pregnancy that isn't discussed, our hopes and fears for the baby. Our visualisation of them. Without knowing it we all have pre conceived ideas about our unborn child. But being a good mum is the unconditional love you feel for them whatever sex they are or what they look like and even if they are a nightmare baby!

It's fine to have a preference - so long as you understand that the fates aren't listening

I wanted a girl, too, and found out the sex at my 20 week scan because I really wanted to prepare myself if it was a boy. I thought if I could mentally prepare for a boy I would be happy to meet him when he came. A friend of mine did this so successfully that when her baby was born and it was actually a girl (they had guessed the sex wrong) she felt bereft not to get the son she was expecting!

You've chosen not to find out the sex so if I were you I'd just focus on acceptance. Accept you have a preference, accept you may feel disappointed, and accept that the disappointment will be fleeting, because you will actually love the baby you get and very soon you will know that THIS was the baby you were meant to have. You really don't need to feel guilty, because in the long run it won't matter.

Good luck x

i was fairly open about the fact i wanted a girl - whats to feel guilty about it is not like you will be dumping you ds in the nearest river in a basket?

i have to admitt i even made hurrah type noises when they told me dd was a girl.

(disclaimer: i am sure boys are just as lovely and adorable)

I already have one girl and I'd love another. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and despite having an amnio we didn't ask the sex.

I wanted to know the sex as I feel I need to be prepared (mentally) if it's not another girl. My husband doesn't support my desire to know because he doesn't understand how I feel and wants "a surprise".

I daren't admit I'm worried about haivng a boy. I actually dream about the disappointment but don't tell him as he makes me feel so bad.

just out of interest what is it you are worried about if you have a boy mogwai?

I desperately wanted a boy- every time I imagined myself with a baby, I imagined a boy and just convinced myself I was having a boy- even bought a few boy's outfits when I found out I was pregnant- my beautiful baby girl will be 5 weeks tomorrow!

I do think that finding out the sex during pregnacy helped- there was a few days of disapointment and shock if I'm honest, but got over that and by the time I had her I was utterly overjoyed I was having a girl! Honestly can't even imagine having had a boy now

People do make you feel guilty I think, esp since I had no qualms in telling people I wanted a boy (as I was so sure I was getting one!) but as hard as it is, just trust in yourself that the first time you see your baby you will love it to bits, no matter boy or girl

All my friends had girls, and so I wanted a girl because I knew what to do with them. I didn't have a scan because I didn't want to be disappointed. It was a boy, and it was the most incredible love at first sight, and I am so glad I didn't have a scan and go through the disappointed-only -to find-it-doesn't -matter emotional cycle (but I know others feel differently)

But one of my friends wanted a boy and did have bit of a shock when it was a girl, she didn't have the love at first sight thing, she took a few days to bond, then she was over the moon with her beautiful dd

I think a large number of people have preferences but just don't like to admit it...

I always wanted a girl, but for some reason always thought I would have a boy (a psychic told me it would be a boy...). So I mentally prepared myself. We went through some real problems at the beginning of the PG and so I started to understand that as much as a tiny bit of me would still have preferred a girl, I just wanted to get through the PG and for my baby boy to be healthy.

Well, after an Amnio, we found out that we were having a Girl!!! I was and am still so thrilled. DH wouldn't have minded either way but is happy for me as he knew I wanted a girl.

Our problems stem back to family strangely. I have three sisters and a brother and my Dad didn't bond at all with my brother when he was a baby (he is the youngest) and he struggles to bond with my nephew now, although he adores my two nieces. So I think that goes partway towards it, almost feeling that our LO would be treated differently by my Father if it was a boy. I have a younger Sis who is also PG and is expecting a boy. For the same reason, she is worried and anxious and quite that I'm having a girl...

Raised it with my Dad who denied it and said that he just doesn't understand boys as much as girls so doesn't gel with them as well. But that he would love all his Grandchildren the same.

I really think though, if you have a preference, always best to find out beforehand and prepare yourself.

xxx

I was slightly biased towards a boy so I spent the whole pregnancy calling the baby a she so I would get used to it. I still call DS she sometimes out of habit!