HELP... just split up with BF...what shall I do?

[xxhunnyxx]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and me and my boyfriend split up last night.
I wont go in to all the details of our relationship as I'd be here all day (it's v complicated). But we've been friends for 6 years and spent a majority of that time having some kind of romantic involvement.
The baby was planned and we were TTC for about a year before we finally caught the egg. Ironically we finally concieved during the month that my BF decided that he didn't want a baby anymore, but by that time it was too late! When I found out I was pg I was prepared for him saying that he didn't want it but I had already decided that if he didn't I would have it on my own. Anyway, he was happy about the pregnancy, and still is, but last night (during drunken texts) he told me that he doesn't want a relationship with me and wants us to just be friends.
We don't live together but the plan was that we would have the baby, he would virtually live with me but still keep his own flat where he'd just stay 1 or 2 nights a week and we would still be a proper couple. Although this isn't a convential arrangement I was happy with it.
Anyway in my rage I basically told him to get lost and that if he couldn't do things properly then not to bother doing them at all and to contact me if he grows up over the next 6 months.
I know I'm just angry at the moment but I feel like I don't want him messing me and the baby around, I don't want him coming and going out of our lives and chosing to only enjoy the good moments and dodging all the bad stuff that comes with it.
Am I being unreasonable?
I'm trying to dodge the ''it's all or nothing'' phrase, but that's how I feel.
I'm just hoping that when he wakes up he'll realise what an idiot he has been but I doubt that will happen immediately. When similar things have happened in the past (pre-pregnancy) it's taken him a couple of months to realise his mistakes and come crawling back.
My family is great and I really do feel like I can manage without him.
What shall I do? Do I just wait for him to apologise? Try and sort things out? Or just look after me and the baby and forget about him? HELP!!

COncentrate on you and the baby. He might come back, he might not, but running after him will do no good at all. It will stress you out and make you miserable (the most wretched thing in the world is trying to force or persuade someone into 'loving' you when that person is reluctant. You might just about be able to gain some grudging pretence of a 'relationship' out of the person, but you will be perpetually stressed that he/she might run off with someone else, perpetually obedient and desperate to do anything to keep the person happy... it's no way to live and it doesn;t work because the person begins to despise you and then to mistreat you - it's hard not to despise someone who seems so desperate).
It's very early days in your PG anyway, so there's plenty of time for him to change his mind and, if he's a good bloke, he may well be a good father and an excellent friendly co-parent even if he is not your sexual and romantic partner.

He sounds like he has an awful lot of growing up to do. He probably likes the idea of being a father but doesn't want all the responsibility that comes with it.
I really feel for you, I have friends who are single parents and as much as my DP drives me to my wits end, I couldn't do it without him.

I don't suppose there is any way to talk to him when you've both calmed down?

It's great you have such a supportive family btw.

You don't say how old you are but he sounds a bit immature. Nevertheless your baby is what matters now and he or she will need to have their dad in their lives.It's understandable that you are angry as he has let you and the baby down but once you have calmed down you must calmly speak to him about his future responsibilities and rights. Tell him that he has willingly and knowingly helped to create this life and it is now his responsibility to look after it with you whether you are together as a couple or not. You will need him during your pregnancy and your baby will definitely need him in its life. Don't let him mess you around and take all the help you can get from your family.

Good Luck.

Thanks, funnily enough I don't feel desperate or have much urge to 'make' him be with me. In the past I would have been clingy and wanted him to come running back to me, but for some strange reason I have more of a ''f**k him'' attitude.
He does love me, he even said it last night, but he also said that he isn't in love with me anymore. TBH I'm not entirely sure if I'm in love with him anymore either.
I'm just disapointed that he's not more determined to give things a proper go for his child's sake.
I've always been very weak with him in the past, this is the first time that I've ever really stood up for myself and told him to do one! I suppose it's probably to do with the fact that I'm looking out for my little one, I just don't want my child to have a messed up head due to his/her father being an idiot!

BTW I'm 26 and he's 28, he's hardly a kid but he certainly acts it at times!

I think that there is nothing wrong with expecting 'all'. You are not being unreasonable at all - hopefully he will grow up a bit over the next few weeks.

So is it wrong of me to feel like I don't want him in the baby's life if he isn't prepared to at least try to be a proper family?
I don't want to be one of those awful women who use their child as a weapon but I just want what's best for my child and if that means using the ''all or nothing'' line then I might just have to.

I wouldn't do that because in any case unless he is a danger to the child he has a legal right to contact. Equally, you have a right to maintenance which is likely to be rather handy.

I meant all or nothing in a relationship sense - you must not half split up with him and still sleep with him etc. You deserve a lot better than that.

Yeah that's where I've been going wrong in the past, we'd split up but then carry on being friends and then end up sleeping together etc. Because of that he thinks he can just carry on doing that. I suppose this baby has made me a stronger person already cos I certainly won't let him carry on treating me like that now.

Really, what is best for your child is to know and love their daddy (unless he is a bad or dangerous man). A baby won't know that its dad is a bit immature and irresponsible and hopefully by the time they have a grown a little so will he. If you cut him out of your lives now your child will never have that chance.

Please give him a chance for your child's sake. He may surprise you. (it make take a while for him to get his act in gear but there must be some good things about him that attracted you to him in the first place)

I'm not suggesting that you should just lie there and let him mess you or the child about - you must make it clear that you expect certain things from him BUT he will fall in love with his child and will want to be there for it - the more involved he is the better for both of them.

What's best for your child may not be all or nothing - it maybe all of mummy and a little bit of a loving but slightly feckless daddy.

ps I don't mean to sound preachy but I know what I am talking about - I raised a son with no contact from his father and it really did him no favours. I think it is especially important for boys to know their dads if it is at all possible. One other thing - the father will of course have legal rights, plus you don't want your child growing up to find out that you prevented them from seeing their dad - as they may resent you for this especially if he goes on to have other children in later years and they feel like they have missed out.

You do sound as if the baby has already given you a better perspective which is great. I'm sure you will handle this situation just fine.

My tuppence-worth - if you think you can manage alone then plan for that. If he's prone to these outbursts then he's likely to do it again, further down the line, and maybe when you're in a more vulnerable place...

Having a child alone will be hard, but it will be harder if you're expecting to share the load and being let down IYSWIM.

Let him get to know his child - maybe he'll grow up. But only let him in your own life if he's bringing you added value. You can look after yourself and your LO, don't put up with childish behaviour for the sake of having a partner - you have enough unavoidable childish behaviour coming right your way now

Thanks mrsboogie u r right, I grew up knowing my Dad but didn't have a close relationship with him and although I probably didn't realise it when I was young it did affect me, and still does.
My Dad has 4 children (2 with a different mum) and out of all 4 I was the least close to him and now strangely I'm now the closest to him out of all of us.
But yes u r right, I do want my child to have a Dad and I suppose I have to put my own selfish needs to one side and think about what is best for the baby.

Your child can have a father and you can still be independent of the father - you don't have to live together or be together for him to be a daddy...

You need to separate the idea of couplehood from parenthood. TBH I would close the door on the idea of this man as a life-partner for you in the romantic/sexual sense as he clearly isn't that bothered (after 6 years, someone who wants a full-on couple relationship with you will be taking steps to have one). However he may well be a good father in due course and as your co-parent he may be a good friend to you.
It would be wrong, stupid and counterproductive to make his relationship with his child conditional on his being a sexual/romantic monogamous partner to you: the two things do not necessarily go together, and relationships between non-involved co-parents (who both put the children first and agree to be civil and friendly to each other) are often better than relationships between parents where one is desperately trying to hang on to couplehood and the other isn't so keen.

If all or nothing is what you want, then theres nothing wrong with that. Why should he have the cushy arrangement of enjoying the 'best bits' of fatherhood and then running off to his own flat when he feels like he wants to be a bachelor again?

After six years, I think it's time you put your foot down and really did ask for all or nothing!

If he is willing and loves you enough, he'll be back. If not, he's still your baby's father but you can move on to a more appreciative, supportive relationship with someone else.

The thing that annoys me is that he thinks that he can live as a single man, stay at my house half the week (probably in my bed!) and then just swan off home when he feels like it.
If he doesn't want to be a proper couple I'd rather just do it on my own and he can see the baby at weekends etc.
I could never stop him from seeing his child, I hate it when women do it or threaten it, I just don't have it in me to do that and it's not fair on anyone.
I just don't think that he realises the full implications of us not being a proper couple, he'll miss out on so much, especially in the early days, and one day I'll be in a relationship with someone else and he'll have to deal with watching another man bringing up his child.
I've got so much I want to say to him, it's just all going round my head all the time, but I wanna wait for him to come to me cos he'll be expecting me to go running to him begging for him back which I refuse to do!

Your child has to come first and has a right and a need to have his/her father in their life.

You need to sort out how it is going to work. He will have to financially support the baby too.

If I know men at all, your best chance of having him back is by waiting for him to come to his senses.

Don't call, text, or otherwise contact him. Focus on yourself and your baby.

If he decides to come back, tell him to forget about his bachelor pad. Either you are a couple or you are not. Taking care of a baby is very hard work and he should share it with you. That means living together.

XXhunny, he doesn't want to be in a couple with you. You will feel a lot better once you accept that and start relating to him as a co-parent. DOn't have sex with him any more - there is nothing wrong with only wanting to have sex as part of a committed relationship, and though there is nothing at all wrong with having non-committed sex with someone who also just wants non-committed sex, it is both damaging to you and fundamentally dishonest to keep having sex with someone in the hope that they will have and maintain a relationship with you when they have both said and demonstrated that it's not what they want.
Honestly, once you mentally draw a line under the 'will he won't he are we a coule or not' business you will feel so much better.

Well as far as him financially supporting me goes I wont be holding my breath! He does building and roofing but they've not had any proper work for months now. He's been promising to look for another job but so far he's made zero effort, it's all just talk.
He thinks that I'm rich cos I've got an OK job and nice house, I don't think he realises exactly how little I will get paid whilst on maternity and how much a baby can cost. He told me last week that me and my mum can buy the pram etc!!!!

What a tosser.

Carry on how you are and sod him. Don't contact him, he knows where you are when he comes to his senses..and he will..even though he sounds a complete berk.

Good luck with the baby and your pregnancy.. btw i am a firm believer that the fuck him attitude is hormone related cos i was the same, i think it is natures way of keeping you and the baby as stress free as possible.
How can someone just walk away knowing the stress and upset they will cause.

Bell end make him really work hard when he does show his face hun xx

Thanks bluesapphire, I know he will come running back to me, this is no new occurance, the only prob is it takes him some time to realise how much he misses me. The only difference is this time I don't even know if I actually want to take him back.
I remember when my friend was pregnant she really wanted to murder her bf, I thought it was strange that pregnancy would make u feel like this, I thought it would make u want the guy more, but now I totally understand it. He could get run over by a bus tomorrow and I wouldn't be particuarly @rsed, well maybe that is a bit harsh, but u know what I mean!
I feel like I've just got a big bubble around me protecting me and my baby. I'm usually a hugely sympathetic person but at the moment I don't seem to get a stuff about other ppl, I know that sounds awful but I can't help it.

Your priorities have changed, that's all.

That's good xxhunnyxx - sounds like you are in the right place mentally to do this on your own.

Why don't you write him a letter, telling him that you accept that you will no longer be a couple and that you have realised that he doesn't actually deserve you, that it is now up to him to decide whether he is prepared to show him much he deserves to have his child in his life and ask him how he will feel if one day another man is raising his child. Then when he comes crawling back to stay at yours or have a bit of no-commitment sex you can refer him to the letter. You should also tell him that he will be expected to pay towards his child's upkeep as he made the decision to create a child with you.