I think i should have an abortion because i love my partner, but i don't want to

[rainbowserpent]

I don't know whether to have an abortion or not. My partner 'made' me gfet one before, he bribed me basially and told me we had to do it when it was right i.e live in the countryside, have a small farm, in our thirties...not that i had a say that any of that mattered to me! HE matters to me, and our offspring was dearly wanted by me, but he said have an abortion or i'm gone, he even moved out all his stuff. But i did it (nightmare of my life) we are still together stronger than ever. We are only in our mid 20s and both phd students on small grants. Now i'm pregnant again, i was on a different pill but it just doesn't work for me, i don't understand why i follow the pack to the letter. I don't want to get rid of my baby even though i'm terrified of being a mother because i've always viewed myself as being too aloof for motherhood. I want my partner to be with me for this, but i know he'll bail as he was going to last time, and just as i decided to keep the baby, he text me saying 'i love you loads' and he doesn't usually do things so sweet, and i just felt like i wanted to break down and cry, i feel like a horrible horrible woman, i have to have the abortion don't i? I said i'd have an abortion if it happens again (although i only said that to keep him and didn't think it would what with the extra contraceptives), i just love him so much, i don't want to hurt him, i don't want to hurt our baby (the bunch of cells as he would call it), i just feel like i've let him down and i don't want to break his heart, he is so special. I have to do it don't i? and hope my tears don't give me away.
I haven't told him anything about the pregnancy because i'm too afraid he'll say horrible things to me and leave; i won't tell him until its too late for an abortion if that's the route i'm going down so he can't turn my emotions against me). See, i'm a terrible person, i'm horrible. If there was judgement i'd be thinking that i probably don't deserve this baby...

I apologise for the poor spelling, i wrote it in a rush.

And you love this man? rearly?

Let me get this straight.

You are having sex with this man, and he does not want to accept the consequences of this indulgence?

If you want to keep the baby, then you need to decide between the baby and the father.

You are not the first 20-something to have a whoopsie, and won't be the last. Abortion isn't the only answer.

If he loves you as much as you love him, he wouldn't make you choose a baby or him.

Any man who compels you to have an abortion you don't want is a poor prospect for a lifetime of happiness imo. A man who steps up and accepts mutual reponsibility for your choices is what you want.

If you want to become a mother then go for it. If he walks, he walks. You will manage and your child will manage.

He sounds a bit of a tool tbh. Do what you want, not what he wants. Do you really want to feel like that again?

You are not a terrible person for wanting to continue with your pregnancy.
Listen to what you are saying , you want to continue with the pregnancy.
It is not your DPs decision alone

It sounds like you have little or no input into this relationship in terms of making any future plans. Your dp has told you when he wants children and 'makes' you have an abortion when your body doesn't go along with his plans yet you both have sex with the real chance another prgcy could occur. You sound like you want this baby. If you give your dp all rights to make major decision in your life you will do this for the whole of your relationship and never be treated as his equal.

Is that what you want?

you've let him down?!?!? [angry
and HE'S so special?!?!?

am sorry but he sounds like an arse

you're obviously a talented intelligent person and being pregnant is a scarey life changing thing but if he can't be supportive, rational and there for you he's not worth your effort, love or tears

It is entirely your choice. Your body and your baby - if he is too immature to accept his responsibilites and support you, then you are better off without him. You sound as if you are leaning towards the side of continuing with your pregnancy - don't make a decision that you might regret, for someone who may not be worth it.

oh my god! please make sure you do what is right for you not him. he sounds dreadful. if he truly loves you he would consider your feelings in this - he sounds selfish, cruel and controlling. are you sure you want to be with him reagrdless of the cost to you and your emotional state. having lost two precious babies it is never something i could do as the heartache was more than i could bear. i am not anti - everyone has the right to decide - so please don't think i am getting to you. but please please take your time - and be strong. your baby will always be part of your life - will he? really?

meant regardless - brain going faster than fingers.
do you have a good family and friend network to help you?

Didn't you post about this yesterday as well? Was none of the advice on the other thread any good?

If you abort this baby you run the risk of it driving a wedge between you both and a lifetime of regret and guilt for yourself. If this man truely loves you he will not want to put you through this again. Go and talk to someone about this don't make any rash desicisons

You sound so sad OP. If this man loves you then he wouldn't do anything that makes you sad.

Wow. Poor you. It sounds like the first abortion has already weighed heavily on your shoulders. You sound a bit resentful and I do not blame you.

I don't think you sound like you would be able to shrug off another abortion. Could your boyfriend expect you to have two abortions that you didn't want, and yet be exactly the same carefree happy girl???

You sound like an intelligent woman and you are young enough to build an excellent life for yourself and for your baby. But you are not so young that anybody would think it foolish to have a baby.

I understand that you're midway through your education, but you can continue to study until after the baby is born?

What about your parents and your friends? Would you have their support?

It's your life and only you know if you can fit a baby into it, but as much as you may love this guy, it sounds like he's not worthy of your love. A better man would have listened to you before now. It's sounds like your voice is the one that's not being heard in the relationship. How long could you, as an intelligent person, tolerate that? Revolving your life around his wants and desires, always! He, not even aware of the extent of your sacrafices. (I could be wrong).

If you tell him about this pregnancy and he lets you down a second time, ie, BLAMES you, tries to dictate what you should do without discussing it, dismissing your feelings entirely, only valuing his own wishes on this matter, then, I think you should take the baby out of the equation for a minute and think about whether or not to have HIM in your life.

I'm a single mother, and I'm 37 and tbh, it isn't the hardest thing in the world. Being with an uncompromising man who didn't realise how selfish he was, that was hard. I can tell you that firsthand. In a perfect World, I'd have had my first child a bit before I was 30. I want to be around for as long as possible and see as much of their lives as possible! So, imo, mid 20s is not crazily young to have a child. FAR from it.

I'm not anti-abortion, far from it, I'm a 100% choice. But reading your post I wonder if you could have a second abortion and then procede to 1) make your relationship work & 2) carry on with[out] him, without getting depressed.

I know this is a parenting site, so we are mostly mothers or want to be mothers here, but I have in the past advised people to have a termination and not to eat themselves up with guilt! Everybody has to do what will sit most comfortably with them for their own future.

good luck with a tough decision

xx

Why are you 'horrible' and 'terrible'? What have you done? You are scared he will 'turn your emotions against you'? He just leaves when there is a problem in your relationship. This man clearly doesn't make you feel good. I really can't see why you love him so much.

he sounds like a complete tosser. whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy - and it is YOUR decision - i think you should definitely show him the door. sorry to be harsh, but if he doesn't love you enough to stay with you if you have his child, then he doesn't love you enough and you should stop wasting your time.

Have you read the other post that lots of people have answered for you already?

Since you are posting again i think you are looking for someone to give you an answer and its not going to happen you have to do this for yourself.

Most of the other posts replys where encouraging you to go through and get rid of your "beloved bf" it look like its not what you want to hear, so im wondering are you looking for someone to say "yes stay with him have another termination"? Be honest with yourself, like i said nobody can give you an answer. good luck again.

Ps i was broodymum on the other post!

He sounds like a typical abusive partner to be honest, not someone who is worthy of the reverence you feel for him at all.

PLEASE do not have this termination for HIM. You are giving him total control of your life and if he was so set against having children he should have used a condom.

I think the best thing for you to do is to leave this man, regardless of what you do about the baby, and I think you know in your heart what you need to do.

I wish you strength to do the right thing for you and your baby, not your man.

OMG r u crazy?!?!?!? hes not special if he was he wud stand by u whatever, its ur baby and if u want it u keep it, its him u need to get rid of, how can he be harsh and make u chose, its sick and its wrong and u deserve better. hes controlling you, its not right. hope u make the right choice for you and ur baby.

i think this time you need to think about what you want as he is thinking of himslef only not the emotional trauma of putting yopu through this is doing not only that but abortion shouldnt be thought of that lightly and isnt as you know but it is to him

why do you want t please this man so much when he isnt thinking of you or trying to please you as his support would have been unconditional not moving all his things out its emotional black mail this doesnt work in realtionships it shoudl be a partner shipa nd yet your faslling at his every need and his not you

i dont mean to sound so mean but ive neen ther emy ex was like this and i idd everything to please him and got nothing abck it was all about him i miscarried his baby and was glad i did as didnt want to choose to get rid of something i knew i could do alone but wasnt strong enough at that point

all im saying is thin k of you stop trying to please him he knows his got you where he wants you this time you could move on and make your own life and be happy in all honesty you dont sound it as his putting you ina position no loving aprtner would do they would talk they would discuss not move out until its done then come back decalaring love its not love its control

take some for yourself and do what you really want to do not because he wants you to but because you want to and i would consider leaving him anyway as how many abortions do you want to be faced with because he cant face up to responsibility there could be mmore times he aants to sleep with you but cannot love you enough to raise a child not the sort of man that has future written on him

i dont want to add to your stress but when i read someone wher ei once was it makes me so mad and really just want them to see this is not love not for them anyway its about control how far they can control you and this is ultimate i would leave anyway

I think abortion or not he sounds terribly controlling.