I've kind of skirted around this issue with you before but I am at the point where I MUST decide to continue with this unplanned pregnancy

[hobbgoblin]

To date I have had one private scan, one GP visit, numerous heated discussions with dp, two convos with my counsellor and a counselling session plus scan at BPAS.

As a result of all this I am still not 100 percent certain what I want to do and have also established that as of today I am 8 weeks pregnant - a week more than I thought.

I will not have a surgical termination beyond the 9 week cut off and so I MUST decide NOW if I want to continue with this pregnancy.

I want to continue with the pregnancy, against all the odds practically and emotionally but I am not SURE if this is a clever choice and also whether it says more about my inability to choose termination in the absence of a 3rd solution.

I could be procrastinating to the point of not actually making a 'choice' iyswim??

Please oh please help me!

Sounds like you want it. Is dp not so keen?

I would very much advise against choosing a termination if you are not sure it is the right option for you

however you are the only one who can decide

there is more to life than being clever IMO!

good luck whatever your choice
xx

'I want to continue with the pregnancy'

there's your answer, it doesn't always have to be the 'clever' option, to be the right option.

This is so utterly utterly hard. The 9 week point is where one is still able to legally terminate but it is then via surgical procedure rather than medical. Although I want to not have to terminate I am so worried that I will simply not be able to provide adequately for what will be several children when this baby is born. I will be on my own and will have to continue to work full time in oder to support us. I will be a lone parent and I am just not sure if I might be being over ambitious in assuming I can do a good job by four children alone. It's hard enough now.

I think you have to leave the future to take care of itself right now. You can't make plans for years down the line but ignore how you feel right here, right now. You want to keep the baby. So everything else will have to be faced as the need arises. It may be easier or harder than you think and fear. The only certainty you have is that you want the baby so follow your gut on that.

Sorry tmmj, neither of us want children - we both have children from previous marriages and we were using the combined Pill as contraception. He has made his views plain and he does not support the pregnancy and thus the relationship will not continue if the pregnancy does.

My counsellor asked me what I thought of a man who said that and I answered that I thought it was very unsupportive and quite shitty but that he is entitled to not be part of this as much as I would be if I wanted a termination and he didn't.

That part makes me sad, and I am uncertain how much that would be the reality - could be just fear and his way of exerting control over a very scary situation but for now I have to assume that I'd be lone parent of 4.

The BPAS counsellor said I shouldn't feel guilty about terminating in order to keep a base level of 'okayness' for me and the DC I have.

I saw the pictures (asked to) at my termination booking scan and felt there and then that I couldn't terminate. A day later and I feel unsure again.

hobbgoblin - "I want to continue with the pregnancy" I think there is your answer.

Don't do it - if you have any doubts, you shouldn't terminate as you could well regret it in the future. Also agree with what TMMJ said.

hobbgoblin - do his children live with you aswell or do they just visit?

Thanks. His children just visit at weekends - making 5 of us as it is. Even that he finds quite stressful whereas I mostly enjoy it.

He is devoted to his children but he's not a natural at being a Dad as he says of himself.

The thing is when there are children living in a house all the time and children visiting only at weekends it can be stressful because the children all have to adapt to the change. You can bet if all 3 children lived together all the time it would be less stressful than having 1 there full time and 3 part time iyswim. Basically what I am saying is it might be stressful when his children visit but having an extra child in the house full time won't necessarily be as stressful. I'm not explaining myself well at all am i.

hobbgoblin i dont mean to hijack your thread and im not name changing to divulge this personal matter that not a soul in the world knows about, whats the point its still me.

I am 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow, my dp of 7 years wants me to have an abortion, we have 2 children. I have an appt tomorrow at the hospital for booking in an abortion. He has seen how desperately upset i am and we seem to be skirting round talking about it. I do not understand how we can have two children and he seriously wants me to kill their baby brother or sister. (At my local hospital there is no tablet to induce abortion you have to have the suction method).
It is killing me, in my heart i have already made my decision, there is not a chance on this planet i can live with the guilt of this abortion for the rest of my life, i havent even done it and the guilt of even having considered it is crippling me totally, i am beyond heartbroken.

Anyone who has seen my previous posting on another thread will have seen we went through this 4 yrs ago, i refused an abortion, he threw me out we have a daughter and went on tho have a son and he really loves them, so even though its inconvenient, how can he possibly think its ok? How could i even consider it? I think i just wanted him to know i thought what he thinks valid, and i do but when push comes to shove yes i love him, but i cannot live with killing my child, i am a mother, it goes against everything i am to murder my baby and my childrens sibling, if he cant understand that then he is not the man i want in my life, i will suffer less emotionally losing him (though it will hurt) then living with the torture of aborting this baby.

He is going to get told this tonight (if chelsea win) or tomorrow morning (if they dont!) my appointment is at 10am, i was thinking of going along just so i could get an early scan otherwise i'd be waiting till 20wks,
I had a c section 9 months ago, this is my major worry, will my body cope with carrying another child so soon. If im on my own im on my own, better that than the alternative.

Sorry to hijack, ive been carrying this for weeks and havent been able to tell a soul and its killing me!

My reply to you is dont do it. You dont want to. If you go ahead you will resent him and will break up anyway. The outcome is probably going to be the same whether you keep the baby or not.

I struggled with this decision when pregnant with my 3rd. My wonderful, wise GP said that the people who cope best with an abortion are those who view the pregnancy as a problem. The ones who suffer are those who view it as a baby.

You must bear in mind that your partner may still leave you even if you have the termination they want you to have. If this were to happen, where would that leave you? Whether or not they may leave should be the least of your considerations IMO since the stress of the whole situation may well signal the end of the relationship anyway.

hobbgoblin, you answered your own question. You want the baby. Other issues are not insurmountable. Doing this thing you have ne inclination to do will be something you may never get over. Also, you will n ot have to work full time to support your family. They are his too, even the one he does not want. He is partly responsible for providing for them.
Kilty, my heart goes out to you too. You do sound very strong and I think you have made the right decision. How, though, have you managed to have 2/3 unplanned pregnancies? You must do what you canto avoid giving yourself this angst again.

kittycoldbum I really thank you for your reply when you too are struggling with such similar and difficult issues.

Thank you all of you for helping me validate my feelings...I know nobody can make my decision for me.

if you WANT to continue with the pregnancy then I think it would be a very bad idea to have a termination.
I have had one, and it was very much the right thing for me to do at the time. but it was incredibly difficult and I do still have issues. if I hadn't been totally sure of it then I would be in pieces.

Could adoption be a 3rd solution?

You want the baby and that is so important.

I had a termination 9 years ago because my now xp wanted me to, and everyone else agreed I should. I wanted the baby, and if just one person had been willing to stand by me and say , yes have the baby, then I would have had the strength to stand up for what I wanted.

I will never stop regretting the termination and ont only that, but the fact that I let other people decide something so important, and didn't stand up for myself.

Kilty just wanted to say that I got pregnant with dd eight months after having ds by c-section, and it wasn't a problem (although I would not recommend being induced next time, and another c-section might be a sensible choice).

Soupdragon, I think that your GP was absolutely right.

Hobbgoblin, how would you feel if you had a miscarriage, do you think? I've always tried this approach when I was very unsure what to do (not about pregnancies, but other significant life events), and found it helpful.

what are your partners main reasons for wanting a termination?

cecilia my first dc was unplanned and was simply a contraceptive failure having been quite ill over a period of time, second was very much planned, this time i had failed to take my pill for a week, i'd just clean forgot about it, he was informed immediately but still wanted to have sex without a condom, we didnt have any in the house, he knew we were taking a chance, he didnt mind at the time despite having it spelt out to him and was until a few days before my missed period saying how nice it would be to have more children, we both knew i was feeling off and something was amiss. His reaction is just typical of what i expected of him given how emotionally mature he just isnt, though makes up for it in other areas. I think that he knows i am going to tell him not a chance, i think he will accept that.

What upsets me the most is that it was all spelt out for him very clearly the risks etc (after what happened the last time i was very clear on this!) and his initial reaction, since then he's not been forceful, we've not argued we've kind of just meandered along as if its unreal.

However, i want this child, i want to enjoy being pregnant with this child however i am thinking that i would actually like to be sterilised once ive had it. I havent discussed this with him yet, maybe it would be a small concession to ensure to the both of us we have no more, i certainly do not want anymore after this. I'd like to be able to enjoy them all and feel that this would be the limit i could manage. Who knows, we both definitely wanted more children, this is just slightly earlier than we would have chosen, say a year too early.

Its just a really emotional time obviously considering my hormones.

The only other thing i wanted to ask was am i being naive or stupid in thinking an early scan is the same as all other ones ie jelly on the belly and look at the screen? or is it done any other way?

I agree with with tmmj said - could you honestly still stay with someone who made you terminate against your better judgement? I suspect if you did you would be harbouring all kinds of resentment against him, and the guilt for terminating when you don't really want to.

I think your OP speaks volumes tbh.

Good luck with it. You too kitty