Crisis unplanned pregnancy - partner will leave if i don't abort

[rainbowserpent]

I am in crisis, and repressing it.
My boyfriend coerced me into an abortion by promising me marriage etc that he later denied, he was going to leave unless i got rid of it, our relationship was a bit rocky at the time and i had no way to support myself although then i wanted the baby very much, so i went through with it. The crisis brought us closer together and while i'll never trust him again we are now closer than ever, he treats me like the most precious thing in the world, and he is to me, everything, my best friend. I think losing him would kill me...and so would losing my freedom...
Anyway, i just found out i'm four weeks pregnant again, i'm a student again now, i have a small grant to get by on, i'll get help from the government with childcare if i go ahead, but i'll struggle especially as i am NOT maternal - the thought of breastfeeding makes me gag and babies are not as cute as puppies...in fact, i can't even look after a puppy.
Anyway, i thought, i'm all for this abortion, i'll lose my figure at 24, get horrendous stretchmarks (i'm already covered in them from my teens), and my boyfriend will leave me - and if he doesn't our sex life will be ruined because he'll find me, and my bump, and my stretch marks, vile and disgusting and my sex drive will be frustrated and i'll get even more stressed, and he'll watch porn and sleep with prostitutes behind my back....that is what my brain is telling me. He hates babies.
But last night i got so upset and angry at him! My life has been full of horrors, and yet again i am abandoned by those i thought loved me, why can't it just be nice like for other people? Why does everything have to be perfect? Why does everything have to be his way, rational, controlled? Like he controls me.
But on the other hand i can feel this life inside me, i knew i was pregnant before my period because i kept having funny daydreams about a multi coloured little light bouncing around in my stomach, yes, totally nuts i thought at the time, must have been my brains way of telling me something was up but i laughed it off, then my period didn't show up...
So i think i'll be a crap mother, my life will be ruined, and my love will leave me.
And i don't know what the hell to do but i sure as hell don't want a vaginal tear, incontinence, stretch marks, and no love life...
But then, i don't want to be childless all my life and thinking...why did i do it for a man who left me at X point anyway. Don't you just wish you could see the future?

on the otherhand my life does feel somewhat shallow, and, sigh...i don't see how a baby would make it any more rich though, that's really not an argument is it? I am such a pessimist generally i expect everything to turn out for the worst, because it usually does for me. Funny, i think i've cried every day for 6 months because of the abortion - because i was tricked into it, because i wanted a family of my own, mum, dad, baby, and now i'm crying because i am pregnant, and i don't want to be just mum and baby.

I think you should talk to someone about your options, a pregnancy counsellor perhaps. Because you don't know what you want, do you? I think your boyfriends being controlling and unfair though, as by the sounds of things he isn't considering your feelings at all. By the sounds of things he isn't ever going to want to be a father and you say you don't want to be childless all your life, well then this guy isn't for you. No one feels completely attractive when pregnant, but my god its worth it! Its just nine months and your body won't stay that way forever. You are a student so maybe this isn't an 'ideal' time to have a baby but really there isn't an 'ideal' time in anyone's life to start a family, believe me! Couldn't you talk to your parents or close friends about all this?

wtf weren't you using contraception if having a baby was going to destroy your life that mmuch?

I can sympathize with one unplanned pregnancy but two?

I talked to my mother, they live on the other side of the country, i am training for my masters in a professional degree so i cannot transfer universities. I have one more year to do then i'm earning a decent salary, but still...
I haven't told my boyfriend i'm pregnant again, i couldn't deal with him stressing out as well. I'm trying to distance myself from it all. My abortion was horrendous last time, they put me on a morphine drip because the contractions were so powerful (medical not surgical) so i'm a little nervous...but i'm going to do what i have to do, because i have to do something. I just need to decide. My last shot if to smooch up to his parents, lol, but really, that is a long shot.

PS - we used the pill first time, but for some reason my body rejected it (happened to my mother when she had me too!) second time we used condoms. I'd love to know why i'm so unlucky. Believe me, after the first accident my boyfriend had us living in a contraceptive police state.

are you being serious?! what hes doing to you is emotional blackmail. how can you give someone an ultimatum like this over a child! an abortion isnt an easy option and shouldnt be seen as a form of contraception.it is never the right time to be a mum and the worst thing you can have is a selfish parent. would your boyfriend leave you if anything else in your life changed? what if you became disfigured or had an accident. are you sure hed be there for you for life. i had to choose between my child or my family once and i chose my child. my partner and i got married after. turned out he was just scared and was being influenced by his mum! he needs to grow up. hes probably worried that a child would be getting more attention from him than you. which it will.like i said, theres never a right time to have children i had my first child in my second year of uni . the support from them and govt grants was fantastic. i f someone is seriously asking you to make this decision than sorry you know the answer.

i had twins during my pgce. wasnt planned but the support was briliant. deferred my 2nd placement and did my disseratation whilst i was off. qualified ans was then able to comfortably afford childcare.

whatever you do, it has to be the right decision for YOU.

you have to live with it for the rest of your life (your decision that is - whichever way you go).

I don't regret the abortion I had the first time I had an unplanned pregnancy, and I don't regret having the baby I had the second time I had an unplanned pregnancy.

Both times I did what was right for ME, I took responsibility for my life. On both occasions the fathers' opinions didn't really come into it if I'm honest. My body, my life, my choice. There are no guarentees he'll stick around if you do, no guarentees he'll leave you if you don't.

You are the one who matters here.

so did you take the morning after pill when the condom split?

and there's a lot of positives to being 'mum and baby', there really is.

Sleepycat is right, you can't do it for anyone else.

you want my gods honest opinion? you may not like it but get the hell rid of the bf. how many children are you prepared to abort for a man who gives you nothing and who you dont trust? How can there be any future in your relationship if you dont trust him?
Bin him, keep the baby and build yourself and your baby the lovely life you deserve and want. Nothing is impossible and you will be surprised by the amount of help out there for you. Fight for your child because no other human being on this planet is going to stick up for your child, out of 6billion people its you, you have got to fight for her.

now that may sound harsh but take it from someone who was told 4 years ago to abort her child otherwise she could get out. I got out told him to fuck off kept my daughter and funnily enough with a bit of time and space we kind of grew together again, as when pushed come to shove we loved each other, he just needed to get a grip and grow up. she's the best thing that has ever happened to him apparently. He is glad i made the right decision and we now have a son.

it will work out for you

rainbowserpent you may not want to hear this but all of your worries (apart from the man in your life) about pregnancy are what every woman experiences. We all worry about how we will cope, what changes our bodies will go through, whether we will be good parents or not, what will happen to our lives. We all worry about these things - you are not alone!

Your partner does not sound like a good and healthy person to be in a relationship with. He sounds incredibly controlling, but ultimately this is not about him, it is about the baby. You do not sound like you want to have another abortion - having an abortion is one of the most difficult decisions a woman has to make, and you already feel you were tricked into one.

You can do this, if you want to. As for maternal instincts, I didn't have any until my first was born, and even now I think newborns are pretty hideous It is not something you are necessarily born with, it grows over time.

FWIW similar story to Kitty here too.

you just never know what life holds.

You're going to have to talk to him whatver happens, as you have been using contraception then it's not exactly your fault, is it.
He must have been with you the past 6 months and seen how hard that abortion was on you.
I'm not entirely sure but I think having abortions now may have an impact on future (planned) pregnancies.

For what it's worth I had a pregnancy "scare" 6 months into our relationship with current dh, 9 years ago (so I was 22 at the time) and we kinda wish it was real and that we had children already.

I wouldn't worry about the not being maternal and breastfeeding, I'm not either, other people's babies are fine as long as they go back home. But you should question wether you are ready to be a (single?) mother mentally.

you should raise the question wether this guy will ever want children and when he thinks the best time should be to see wether you can actually carry on together "forever".
You can get infatuated with people you think are right for you when it turns out you want really different things out of life.

Good luck with all this, talk to him and see what he thinks.

Poor you, unfortunately only you can decide what to do. All i can say is

Yes most pregnant women have irrational fears of "how will i cope" or "i'll be a crap mother" and yes your life will change a lot. But on the other hand a baby can put your life into perspective, you will realise that the world does not revolve around you or your boyfriend. And if you want it to be it is probably the most wonderful experience you will have, but it is for life.

Honestly i think your boyfriend sounds like he will say anything to get his own way. If he is so against children then he should take the responsability of making sure he wont have any(ie condoms).

I was a young mother (21) i only knew my partner for 5 months when i got pg and we did consider termination (on the day of termination decided not to go through) it was a huge relief for both of us and we got on with the pg and baby but it was not easy by any means, we srtuggled financially in the beginning but our relationship was strong enough to get through ( and believe me we got through some serious shit that prob nobody will go through in a lifetime that was not baby related)

You have to work out for yourself firstly do you want this baby?
Do you have any other forms of support other than your boyfriend?
Then you will have to discuss it with your boyfriend and maybe its time for you to set the ultimatums.

I think deep down you may want this baby as the termination should have been enough for you to make sure you dont get in that situation again.

In your post you say you where tricked into the last abortion which suggests you would have wanted the bay if you had the support of your bf.

You have to decide for yourself and stand firm and strong on what you want to do.

If you have the baby alone you will cope, thousands of single mothers do a fantastic job and will continue to do so.

Your maternal insinct will come, i remeber feeling oh my god what do i do, i wont cope, but i did. and the thought of bf was horrible to me also but i didnt bf there is no law to say you have to!

im pg with my third child now still with my same partner 10 years on and cant wait to bf this baby!

Ps i still cant look after puppies

I hope you find your way through this and make the right decision for you xxxx

The funny thing is, I was thinking about this topic only this morning.

I got pregnant 16 years ago by a rotter and was terrifed of being on my own. I had the baby though (gorgeous curvy 16yr old, sat near to me doing her homework right now!)

Then 12 yrs ago I met a man, Mark, who wanted to take us on and I got pregnant again with my now 11yr old son. Two years later I was pregnant again, but Mark told me that there was no way he wanted me to have another child of his. Considering that we were living together at the time, this was pretty harsh. But I went along with his wishes and had an abortion, to save our rocky relationship and because I was terrified of bringing another child into the world without a willing father.
Within a year of the abortion Mark had thrown me and my kids out of our home anyway, and I had to start over again, terrified about carrying on, on my own again.

Guess what? I lived! Not only that, but a year after this I went back to college, part time and with a bit of help from my dad babysitting, and qualified in my chosen field. Mature students statistically do better in further education, apparently.

Also, the world is a changing place. In our mothers day, being a single mum was a stigma and socially not done. It's a different world today, honey, and this man's 'love' is not the only love which you'll find. Chaps do not avoid single mums (have you never heard of the acronym MILF?)

Being 'just mum and baby' can be pretty cool. I can't believe that I listened to that nasty man and aborted his baby on his selfish instruction. Mark never helped me with his son after we split anyway, so what difference would it have made to have another little person around?
I am so happy now, my kids are great and I have an interesting life (and have had some great boyfriends!) which I have made for just me, myself.

Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Don't have an abortion for someone else. You won't be on your own, believe me.

xxx

Rainbowserpant - you say that losing this man would kill you, to me it sounds like getting rid of him is your only opportunity to start living! No-one who truly loved you would behave in the way he does towards you.
As for not feeling maternal, that will change if you have your own baby - other people's baby's are not at all like your own... and no-one is ever ready for motherhood- it's a learning experience not a state of being.
The fact that you've posted this message means you are not sure you want an abortion - so don't do it. You say that your boyfriend treats you like the most precious thing in the world, that will pale into insignificance when you experience the unconditional love your child has for you.
Pregnancy will not make you loose your looks (you must be able to think of a few celebrities who have kids and still look great) - on the contrary, being a mother will make you more beautiful! I'm thinking of you and really hoping that you make the right decision.

"my boyfriend will leave me - and if he doesn't our sex life will be ruined because he'll find me, and my bump, and my stretch marks, vile and disgusting and my sex drive will be frustrated and i'll get even more stressed, and he'll watch porn and sleep with prostitutes behind my back" How on earth can you be with anyone who you have such a low opinion of? This relationship is not healthy. In terms of the baby sorry if it sounds harsh but you need to grow up now either way.

Hmmm you sound like me 6 years ago. PG alone and with a partner who will leave if you don't do what they say.

I now have two beutifull little girls and a partner who wouldn't dream of trying to push into abortion.

I too was not maternal and never wanted children EVER. Finding out I was pg was the worst feeling in the world but an abortion at that stage would have been worse, I love my dds more than anything in the world.

You need to make the right choice for you not him and whatever you decide Id get rid of him he sounds horrid. My ex did leave me but my beautifull DD1 is worth hundreds of me I am so glad I chose her over him. I have not heard from him since I told him I would be carrying on with the pregnancy.

Speak to a councillor before making descions.

rainbow, you must do what you want to, take responsibility for yourself.

My bf is perfect and when I found out I was pregnant he flipped out and yes he left me too, however I stuck to my guns despite loving him and not really feeling like living at all (I am your age by the way), I was devestated and yet my baby was more important to me. I was and am a very sociable person as is he, we enjoy nights out, have lots of friends and if i'm honest are both into material things and our appearances etc. I used to drink a lot and have wild nights out with the girls and of course I knew I was sacrificing all those things for 9 months and then after my life would change still with me no longer being number 1. The idea of being without him was also gut wrenching if i'm honest but I picked myself up and realised I was better off without. I then had a scare and thought I was losing my baby and do you know what, my perfect loving bf was the man I knew him to be and he decided all he wanted was his family. I am not saying that this will be the case for everyone that faces this but he was adamant he didn't want our baby and that little bleed I had made him realise. That commitment phobe that was scared of losing himself now has got us our own home, traded his nuts mags for baby books, attended every single apt Ive had and tells me and my tummy he loves us everyday. My point is some people need a chance to go mad and then sort themselves out, but u need to think what is really important to you. Can u face a second abortion? Do you honestly think he's as low as you've painted him? The last thing I wanted to point out and I don't want to seem mean is about the stretch marks are they more important than your babies life? Will you think more of them than aborting your baby? You say you don't want to be childless but some people can't conceive and desperately want to, your not in the worst position here. Finally my bf regrets asking me for to abort our baby and he admitts he dreads our child ever knowing this is how he first felt. Whatever you decide you need to take half the responsibility for tho in my opinion. I could've had an abortion ad blamed him for being a t**t, I could've bought a new dress and gone and got wasted with my mates and even had a second holiday to celebrate the brand new post grad job I got that I had to leave but then where would I be...very untrue to myself.

Another possible perspective:

I didn't get stretchmarks, I didn't get vaginal tears, my figure isn't ruined, I'm not incontinent, I hate babies (but loved mine), I'm not maternal (except with mine), I vomit at the thought of milk (but managed to breastfeed for 15 months), I still have a sex life.

AND I have a funny, silly, pretty, clever nearly 3 year old and another one on the way.

Don't think you know how it's going to be. It might not be.

Go with your gut feeling as it's that feeling that you'll have to live with in the pit of your stomach for the rest of your life - whichever way your choice goes. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Up until DS was born I was worried I would not be any use as a mum as I was the least maternal person I knew - but it all changed when he was born and my friends were astonished at the transformation.

Do what YOU want to do - he is controlling you and he might still leave you and then where would you be? the more terminations you have the higher the risk of infection/ damage/ later infertility. Whatever you decide to do, investigate better contraception as well so you are not placed in this position again.

Good luck.