Crisis unplanned pregnancy - partner will leave if i don't abort

[rainbowserpent]

I am in crisis, and repressing it.
My boyfriend coerced me into an abortion by promising me marriage etc that he later denied, he was going to leave unless i got rid of it, our relationship was a bit rocky at the time and i had no way to support myself although then i wanted the baby very much, so i went through with it. The crisis brought us closer together and while i'll never trust him again we are now closer than ever, he treats me like the most precious thing in the world, and he is to me, everything, my best friend. I think losing him would kill me...and so would losing my freedom...
Anyway, i just found out i'm four weeks pregnant again, i'm a student again now, i have a small grant to get by on, i'll get help from the government with childcare if i go ahead, but i'll struggle especially as i am NOT maternal - the thought of breastfeeding makes me gag and babies are not as cute as puppies...in fact, i can't even look after a puppy.
Anyway, i thought, i'm all for this abortion, i'll lose my figure at 24, get horrendous stretchmarks (i'm already covered in them from my teens), and my boyfriend will leave me - and if he doesn't our sex life will be ruined because he'll find me, and my bump, and my stretch marks, vile and disgusting and my sex drive will be frustrated and i'll get even more stressed, and he'll watch porn and sleep with prostitutes behind my back....that is what my brain is telling me. He hates babies.
But last night i got so upset and angry at him! My life has been full of horrors, and yet again i am abandoned by those i thought loved me, why can't it just be nice like for other people? Why does everything have to be perfect? Why does everything have to be his way, rational, controlled? Like he controls me.
But on the other hand i can feel this life inside me, i knew i was pregnant before my period because i kept having funny daydreams about a multi coloured little light bouncing around in my stomach, yes, totally nuts i thought at the time, must have been my brains way of telling me something was up but i laughed it off, then my period didn't show up...
So i think i'll be a crap mother, my life will be ruined, and my love will leave me.
And i don't know what the hell to do but i sure as hell don't want a vaginal tear, incontinence, stretch marks, and no love life...
But then, i don't want to be childless all my life and thinking...why did i do it for a man who left me at X point anyway. Don't you just wish you could see the future?

I think that you definitely need some counselling from an independent person about whether or not to keep the baby. I can see the point of whoever said that even though you feel negative about it, maybe the contrary feelings you're also having are due to your unresolved regret about the previous termination. So I would seek help on that front quickly. If nothing else ring the Samaritans and they can give you more advice about specific people to speak to.

I have to say, I also agree though with people's doubts about your relationship with your bf. When I read this bit:

"The crisis brought us closer together and while i'll never trust him again we are now closer than ever, he treats me like the most precious thing in the world, and he is to me, everything, my best friend"

it just sounded all wrong to me. Don't see how you can never trust him again but at the same time say he treats you like a precious thing, best friend etc. You sound very scared of what the future might hold without him, and thinking that there is no way you will do any better so you must do what it takes to hang onto him. I would be confident in betting that there are other fish in the sea and this man will not be the only man who will ever want to be with you! Plus there will be others who will be less insistent on doing everything their way. Not all men are like this. There is also the point that just because he reacted that way last time, that doesn't mean the whole experience of the termination hasn't given him a different view now - is it possible that he might be less dogmatic about it this time?

Please think about going to Relate (on your own or with him) to discuss the relationship too. I take it that he doesn't yet know you are pregnant again? If so, take this chance to speak to someone uninvolved about it before things progress much more and he finds out. Not to say you shouldn't ever tell him, but I think it would help to get your head a bit clearer first.

i would definetly discuss options.
sounds like you had a awful time with abortion could you really have another one.
i wouldnt have another abortion just beacause he wants you too.
you have to dowhat you what this time.