Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being a heartless b*&ch to my Mum by not wanting her at DGC's birth?

33 replies

KittyCat8 · 13/11/2008 10:33

My Mum and I have had an interesting relationship... she'll always see me as the ten-year-old in pigtails who can't tie her shoelaces, even though I'm almost 30, and this has caused numerous problems between us.

Dad left us all 10 years ago and she took it really, really badly (understandably!) - it is only in the last two years that she's become herself again, met the nicest man and married him.

She is quite controlling (probably because she was the only parent for so long) and it's only in the last few years that I've had the strength to say "No" to some of her demands/requests. This does not always result in happiness and sunshine, but at least I feel better about being strong but tactful. One example of her "requests" was when she got married last year, she invited me and not DH... her excuse was she couldn't afford 2 tickets - well of course I said he MUST come too, as he's family as well, and bought him a ticket that same day. (he has no idea that this happened).

She lives in Johannesburg, South Africa, and is keen to come to the UK for the birth of her first grandchild. I would LOVE to have the help - I can only imagine how hectic the post-birth period is! - but she has asked to come on "her" terms. She actually asked if I would consider having the baby two weeks early so that she could fit it into her school holidays! (not sure if she meant being induced or C-section, but was nevertheless.)

So I have asked her if she wouldn't mind coming 2 weeks after DC's arrival - to give our new family time to adjust, settle into our own routine and start our lives together. I understand that this will be hard to plan - she'll have to book long-haul tickets way in advance and chances are DC'll be late anyway as it's our first, but at least this way I retain some control.

Some members of my family disagree with that - in fact, even my Dad's Mum (who hates my Mum and hasn't spoken to her in 10 years!) made a comment about how mean I am to not let her be there. Even my DH thinks this is unreasonable of me - that she should be there for the birth as well if she wants to, but I know what she can be like and would prefer to bond with my baby on MY terms and not under Mum's instruction.

Does this make me a heartless cow??? I know that she has the right to be with me, and her brand new DGC, and I don't want to cause a major family rift! She hasn't actually said anything to me about it, but I know her way would be to talk to everyone else hoping it'll get back to me (which it now has).

I want to be the nicest person I can but have this terrible vision of Mum standing at the foot of the bed, waiting to catch DC, making sarcastic comments about my untidy ladygarden, unshaven legs, the colour of DC's hair, DH not being supportive enough, etc etc... I'm dreading it! I need all comments please - harsh ones too... Help me, what do I do???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mutt · 13/11/2008 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 13/11/2008 10:38

Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. Most hospitals (if you're in the UK?) prefer to have just one person in the delivery room with the mother. I would use the "It's hospital policy" line and tell her that your dh will be there with you.

Good luck. YANBU at all.

sunnygirl1412 · 13/11/2008 10:38

It's your labour and birth - so it's entirely up to you who you want there, and when you want to see other people - and the other members of your family who are telling you that you are being mean are totally out of order, in my opinion!!

And asking you to bring forward the birth to fit in with her holidays - I'm aghast!

Do it your way. You are definitely NOT a heartless cow - and your mother has to be an adult and cope with this. Perhaps you can use her tactic, and make these comments to others so they get back to her!

mishymoo · 13/11/2008 10:39

YANBU! Having a baby is a very precious moment for you and your DH and I would not want my mother to be there. Put your foot down and tell her you only want her there after the baby has arrived.

WorzselMummage · 13/11/2008 10:39

If you dont want her there then just say no, she'll just have to live with it. Its your labour and your baby, do it how you want a sod everyone else !

nigglewiggle · 13/11/2008 10:39

You are not a heartless cow - quite the opposite. You should be able to look forward to the birth of your baby without worrying about everyone else's demands.

Just a thought - could you lie about your due date - then surprise surprise a (very large) baby is born 2 weeks early, before your mum arrives! I'm devious, but at least it avoids a rift and you get to bond with your baby as you want to.

HollyGoHeavily · 13/11/2008 10:40

You are not being heartless at all - you do not want anyone in the delivery room who makes you feel uncomfortable!

I think your suggestion is very reasonable - she comes after the birth, gets to help you and bond with her new GC.

Don't let yourself be bullied into something you don't want to do - no more pigtails!!!!!

Ivvvvyygootscaaared444 · 13/11/2008 10:40

I had a very very close relationship to my mum and we were best friends - she was not there at the birth of my first dd

YANBU

As far as she was concerned it was my dh place to support me and this is why she and I got on so well - she never bloody forced herself on me so was always welcomed by me.

pagwatch · 13/11/2008 10:40

Kitty

tbh. There is very little that i would not do to ensure that the arrival of MY child was as happy and relaxed as possible. She doesn't have the right to be with you and her brand new DC if the cost of that is that you are anxious.

She can come a little later. Maybe a week would be long enough as once mine were born I just wanted everyone I cared about to come and observe the most remarkable little people ever created

YANBU

TheProvincialLady · 13/11/2008 10:42

You tell everyone else who has an opinion on this that you disagree with to stick it. It is none of anyone else's business (especially not your step mother). You are the one who has to deal with your mother, not them, you know what she is like and you are sensibly mitigating the potential damage she could do to your bonding with your baby.

flourybaps · 13/11/2008 10:44

No no no, yanbu imo.

My mum wanted to be present at the birth it was all a bit akward in the run up to things but when I was actualy in labour the last thing on my mind was offending my mum!

Its your birth and you should have it how you want. I loved having my dp with me and it was a truly special thing for us to share as a couple after all we managed to conceive her without any help from mum!

TheBlonde · 13/11/2008 10:46

YANBU at all

pagwatch · 13/11/2008 10:46

tell her you are having a totally natural birth and that you will all be naked. So she can come if she wants but it is togs off only.
And after you will all celebrate by eating the placenta...

WorzselMummage · 13/11/2008 10:47

My Mum was there at dd's birth and it was wonderfull but thats because thats what I wanted not because of what she wanted, i did it for me not her although i know she loved it.

Cant imagine anything worse that feeling uncomfortable in labour !

dan39 · 13/11/2008 10:48

Agree with all of the above!! Not generally a fan of lying but if it helps you in this case with your ongoing relationhip then do so!

OrmIrian · 13/11/2008 10:50

YANBU. Of course you don't have to have her present at the birth. But does she actually want that? Does she not just want to be in the UK at the time so that she can be there when you come home to help out>

purplemonkeydishwasher · 13/11/2008 10:53

she doesn't have a 'right' to be with you
the only one who has a right ot be there is your DH.

my parents live in canada. when i had DS here in the UK. i told them that i needed time to find my own way before they arrived. so they came when ds was 3 weeks old. (he wouldv'e been older than that but was 12 days late!)

now i'm expecting #2 and mom just told me she wants to come before the baby was born. i said no.
it's hard because she's your mom and you don't want to hurt her but the most importnant people in this are you, your dh and that baby.
put yourself first. explain to your dh how you feel and how you would feel if your mom was there. it's a stressful time anyway, you don't need anything to add to that stress.
besides, you'll need help after you dh goes back to work and htat's a perfect time for your mom to come.

melmamof3 · 13/11/2008 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingtoleave · 13/11/2008 11:09

Is your dh taking some leave? Ask her to come when his leave is over - tell her you'll need more help then (it will be true!).

There is certainly no need to have her at the birth. When I told my mother I was pregnant she said 'well, I hope you don't expect me to be at the birth because we don't have that kind of relationship'. I said I completely agreed. She was very helpful afterwards with cooking and laundry though.

Original poster

KittyCat8 · 13/11/2008 11:11

Ladies - THANK YOU as always for setting my mind at rest! I knew i was doing the right thing, but when everyone tells you differently you start to doubt yourself, you know...

I'll ask her to arrive when DH is back to work - I like that idea, she can help out AND it'll be her Birthday that week so we can have a little celebration. Hooray!!

Pagwatch - eating the placenta... ROFL...

OP posts:

womblingalong · 13/11/2008 11:18

I agree YANBU at all, maybe try and sell it in to her, as you will really need her when DH has gone back to work, and you want to spend some time on your own with her (and baby too!), Maybe that will give her some 'special' time with you?

CookieMonster2 · 13/11/2008 11:20

I don't understand what happens to some parents when they find out they are having a grandchild - they suddenly become very unreasonable people. My parents wanted to completely take over the situation when our first was born. I wanted them to let us have a bit of time to ourselves, mainly because it was highly likely that we were going to have a sick baby and I just wanted to get her sorted out and make sure everything was OK before the relatives descended. We all spent a lot of time arguing about when they could come, and this was far more important that the problems we might have, or what we wanted.

In the end the consultant decided the baby had to come earlier, and we decided not to tell anyone. As mean as this sounds it meant we had a day to ourselves before they arrived, and I really valued that. To this day my parents don't know that we knew in advance the baby would be born earlier.

The idea of having parents there to help after the birth sounds ideal as well, but when it is done on their terms it just becomes very difficult, and 'bonding with the baby' goes out of the window. I had to eat when I was told it was a meal time, sleep when I was told it was my nap time etc. It was like being a child again.

I would stick to your guns and do things your way. This is a very special time for you, why should it be done on other peoples terms.

I have no idea what I will do this time round. I would love to tell my parents that they can't come until things have settled down, but we have no one else to look after our first while we are at the hospital. So it looks as though I will be having a second baby on someone elses terms.

Sorry its a long post. I could go on for hours, and as you can see, this is something that I feel quite bitter about.

MrsMattie · 13/11/2008 11:22

YANBU and are certainly not a heartless cow! I have a different relationship with my mum, so wanted her there from the outset, but thinking of my MIL (who sounds a bit like your mum) I would have really liked her to come 2 weeks after the birth - it would have been fab, I appreciated she wanted ot help and was grateful etc etc. As it was, she turned up before the birth and was in my face from the moment I had our son until he was a month old. It was hellish. I was very sensitive to any criticism or interference from her and it ende dup causing a lot fo friction in the family - between me and MIL, me and DH, DH and MIL etc - with other relatives also getting involved. Stick to your guns. This is an important occasion for you and your Dh and you should be able to proceed as you feel comfortable.

bikerunski · 13/11/2008 11:36

YANBU - I love my mum and have a great relationship with her, but there is NO WAY I would have had her at DS's birth. It was a very special, unique time for me and dh only. I didn't even tell her when I went into labour 2 weeks early, but she was the first person I rang once he was born. I had an emergency c section and she came up to help me when dh went back to work. She and I have a great relationship, but I was ready to stab her by the time she went home!

Wade · 13/11/2008 12:23

It is your right to have the most relaxing, comfortable birth environment to optimise your chance of a straightforward delivery. It is not her right to be at the birth. I like the 'all naked' birth suggestion but if you want something more tactful, you could try "I know you'll want me to be as relaxed as possible when I give birth so I've decided that only dh will be present - I'll be so grateful for your support afterwards". My Mum was invaluable after the birth of our dd but I wouldn't even consider having her at the birth. Good Luck!

Flip

1 2