Am I being a heartless b*&ch to my Mum by not wanting her at DGC's birth?

[KittyCat8]

My Mum and I have had an interesting relationship... she'll always see me as the ten-year-old in pigtails who can't tie her shoelaces, even though I'm almost 30, and this has caused numerous problems between us.

Dad left us all 10 years ago and she took it really, really badly (understandably!) - it is only in the last two years that she's become herself again, met the nicest man and married him.

She is quite controlling (probably because she was the only parent for so long) and it's only in the last few years that I've had the strength to say "No" to some of her demands/requests. This does not always result in happiness and sunshine, but at least I feel better about being strong but tactful. One example of her "requests" was when she got married last year, she invited me and not DH... her excuse was she couldn't afford 2 tickets - well of course I said he MUST come too, as he's family as well, and bought him a ticket that same day. (he has no idea that this happened).

She lives in Johannesburg, South Africa, and is keen to come to the UK for the birth of her first grandchild. I would LOVE to have the help - I can only imagine how hectic the post-birth period is! - but she has asked to come on "her" terms. She actually asked if I would consider having the baby two weeks early so that she could fit it into her school holidays! (not sure if she meant being induced or C-section, but was nevertheless.)

So I have asked her if she wouldn't mind coming 2 weeks after DC's arrival - to give our new family time to adjust, settle into our own routine and start our lives together. I understand that this will be hard to plan - she'll have to book long-haul tickets way in advance and chances are DC'll be late anyway as it's our first, but at least this way I retain some control.

Some members of my family disagree with that - in fact, even my Dad's Mum (who hates my Mum and hasn't spoken to her in 10 years!) made a comment about how mean I am to not let her be there. Even my DH thinks this is unreasonable of me - that she should be there for the birth as well if she wants to, but I know what she can be like and would prefer to bond with my baby on MY terms and not under Mum's instruction.

Does this make me a heartless cow??? I know that she has the right to be with me, and her brand new DGC, and I don't want to cause a major family rift! She hasn't actually said anything to me about it, but I know her way would be to talk to everyone else hoping it'll get back to me (which it now has).

I want to be the nicest person I can but have this terrible vision of Mum standing at the foot of the bed, waiting to catch DC, making sarcastic comments about my untidy ladygarden, unshaven legs, the colour of DC's hair, DH not being supportive enough, etc etc... I'm dreading it! I need all comments please - harsh ones too... Help me, what do I do???

No, not a heartless cow - it's a time for clear priorities and clear boundaries. You and baby first, husband second, everyone else some way after, including your DM. I hope she can learn to respect that. She's obviously excited but what you've offered is totally reasonable imo. Good luck!

for me personally, the birth if for me & OH.

I don't think your being at all unreasonable in the slightest. My mother wont be at our birth, and neither will my mother in law.

i was when in laws said are taking a week off RIGHT after bubbas birth and had intended to stay WITH US (they live about 2 hours away) i got OH to tell his mother NO way... (they are going to stay with his sister who lives 15 mins away!)

I think you need to be firm and makesure you have exactly what you want. like you said its important YOU bond as a family before anyone beyond that turns up. Plus, its situations like these i have heard lead to a mother feeling down/depressed.... so maybe that too is an angle to tell your mother too!

Good luck!!! xxxxxxx

You have to do what feels right for you nobody else.

I have quite a strained relatonship with my mother she constantly critised me and dp, then expected to be at my dd1s birth but i said no, as im not comfortable with anyone but dp there (and many friends i have feel the same). Dd was born at 4.30pm and she came an hour after she was born (with half my family!)which was better for me if not exhausting!

You need to bond with your baby first, my mother literally took over my dd (i was only 20 so had no balls to tell her to shove off)
and i think she bonded more with dd. in her first week my mom had already sent me out for the weekend and kept dd overnight!

i started bf and she told me that it was how lazy people feed their baby and changed her to formula, and whenever i went to her house she had a wardrobe of baby clothes for dd that she liked and would change her and bin the clothes i had put on her!

needless to say we had a mega huge bust up and resulted in me not allowing her to see me and dd for a few months till she got the message that i was now the mother!

Dd has just turned 9 now and we only see grannie maybe once a month and things are much better now. Since dd2 we barely see her and dd2 is now 7!

But for me and my dd1s bond there is something thats missing between us and it really hurts i truely believe its because i let my mother take over at the beginning, its not like my bond with dd2 who i never let anyone interfere with.

Im pg with #3 and if anyone asks to attend i will say no again!

Just make sure you put you and your baby first as the early days are very important and you cant have them back. xxx

Sorry, I've come to the thread rather late but there's no way I would have had my mum at either of my 2 births. She had really poor experiences having all of her children and would be way too panicky and useless, frankly. Not to mention our strained relationship - my dad left in my early 20s too. It completely changed all of the familial dynamics and when I was going to be the one producing the first ever grandchild I felt torn from many angles - parents and ILs became extremely demanding.

Luckily, both of mine were early and we had precious time soon after they were born when only us (and the mws of course) knew. It was magical.

Obviously everyone's experiences are different but I wouldn't be so sure that you're going to be desperate for help in the early days. I holed up for 5 days with dh and our dd1 and only saw the mws. It was bliss before the onslaught of relatives. I may sound selfish, but it's what I felt was best for me and my baby. I wouldn't have wanted any visitors when I'd had a three day old strapped to my breast and I was still grappling with breastfeeding. Stock the freezer, take the phone off the hook and relax with your new lo... for as long as you want.

I just want to put a slightly different view in here, by telling you my experience. My mother was like yours, very controlling, treating me like a 10 year old even though I was 35 when I had my first child. I would have said no-way absolutely no-way would I want my mother at the birth. However things conspired in such a way that my mum was at the birth of my first son, she was amazing, such a calming influence as she had been through it all 5 times before and been birth partner for someone else previously too. I was so surprised at how she did not dictate like she would have normally. And it was the turning point in our relationship. I used to avoid my mother due to the way she treated me, but following the birth of my son, she seemed to have a new respect for me that had never been there before. It was as if by witnessing me giving birth she finally saw that I was grown-up, an adult in control of their own life.

It changed my relationship with her to such an extent that I was positively disappointed when at the birth of my daughter the hospital rules were only one birth partner (that was my dh) allowed in the labour ward at any time.

However with my latest birth my second son, I asked her to come over from abroad to be with me for the birth, even if it meant that she had to wait til after baby was born to come into labour ward. She booked a 4 week trip, three weeks before and one week after my due date (as I was convinced baby would arrive early again). Well to my delight I had a wonderful homebirth with my mum and husband there (alongside a midwife, doc, and two ambulance crew!!!! but that is another story)

This has been a long winded story of my experience, and not necessarily to say that you need to heed it in anyway, but I just wanted to put another opinion, and to definitely say that you are not heartless regardless of what you do, as it is the birth of YOUR child and should be done YOUR way. I do hope that you find your mother has a new respect for you as an adult and an individual when she sees you as a mother too.

it is your birth and therefore up to you who is there.
i couldnt imagine giving birth with anyone other than my dh there.
basically if you dont feel happy about her being there just tell her it is up to you the birth needs to be relaxing and with people that you feel relaxed and happy with

No her mother was at her birth this is her childs birth