20 week scan: Should I find out the sex? What are the advantages/disadvantages of knowing/not knowing?

[misselliemae]

Should I find out the sex? My DP wants a surprise but i am worried about not being prepared and not having any time after the birth to get stuff (it's our first baby). What do you think? Have you found out and regretted it, or do you think its best to know? Thanks v much

There is plenty of time after the birth to get stuff - you will have to buy all sorts of things you never knew you were going to need, and small babies really are very portable (plus others can shop for you). Tiny babies don't care if they are colour co-ordinated according to gender - massive toddlers shouldn't care either IMO.

I prefer a surprise - it feels too intrusive for others to know what I'm having when baby is still unborn IYSWIM. I'd never be able to find out and keep it a secret.

I didnt find out with my first baby as like your dp wanted a surprise.It was an amazing moment finding out when she was born that it was a girl.

And i wouldnt worry about being unprepared as you will get so much brought for you once the babys born. Just buy enough unisex babygros and vests to last you the first couple of weeks. Its more fun shopping afterwards anyway as you know what will suit your baby.

I did find out the sex second time round as my daughter really wanted a sister and i knew if it was a boy she would need a few days to get her head around it and would rather deal with the tears and tantrums before the baby was born. And yes it was a boy, she stood in the scan room screaming she didnt want a brother she wanted a sister.Glad i didnt have to deal with that just after giving birth!!

Didnt regret either way, it was what was right for us at the time.

Personally first time around i think a surprise is the best.

It's a very individual/personal decision.
We found out and part of me was glad, part of me wished we'd waited.

Asfar as getting stuff goes, unless you specifically want lots of colour coded nursery stuff/clothes/etc there is plenty of white/neutral coloured stuff you can get beforehand.

We didn't find out, and it was lovely to only find out as DS came out.

Just buy a six pack of white sleep suits and white vests, as they are easy to wash anyway - you don't want to do separate non bio washes for dark and lights at that stage

I didn't find out first with either of mine. But I can understand people who do - it just wasn't for me.
There's bags of time to buy gender orientated things after the birth.

I always felt it was like opening your Christmas presents in September and then wrapping them back up again.

I'm always a bit surprised that so many people don't want to know - and would like a 'surprise'. We found out at 14 weeks and I am glad we did.

We didn't even think through it very much. I had thought I was having a girl from the start and every time I 'saw' myself with my child, it was a girl - I thought before I had 40 weeks of envisaging a girl, it was best to check if it was.

I thought that birth was likely to be so eventful and exciting that there was going to be surprise enough on the day. We just didn't tell anyone else, so it was a surprise for them.

We had lots of time to agree on a name. In fact we decided really quickly and I really enjoyed chatting to her, calling her by her name.

I didn't really want a nursery that was just 'white' or 'pale yellow' and all the Christmas sales were on, so I was able to enjoy buying everything in advance, often at a discount. I didn't have any family support and very few friends nearby and I didn't see that I would be up to going out 'shopping' in the first few months - nor much in the mood.

But if your DH is set on not finding out, you still can but just agree not to tell him. A friend of mind did that and it worked fine. She got to plan in advance, he got his 'surprise'.

I hate when friends have told me what sex they are going to have - it takes the surprise out of it. DH is very against finding out the sex. We didn't with DD and won't with second (20 week scan coming up soon), although I am a little bit more curious this time around. If DH wants a surprise, would you be able to keep it quiet if you found out? Friends who recently had a baby boy - mother knew in advance, father didn't.

I think what sammybeth says makes a lot of sense

I think it's a marmite thing wither your the type of person that wants to know or your the type of person who likes a surprise.

I have known with all 3 and am 100% glad I have, it meant only arguing over one set of names, buying clothes etc and also I think it helped us bond with the baby more especially with DD3 as her sisters knew they were having another baby sister.

There's just no right or wrong. I was just too noisy and the temptation too great at the scan (last twice had to pay for a private scan)

Slow typing - what everyone else says makes lots of sense too

I personally think that as you get older surprises are few and far between, having the sex of your baby hidden in your tummy is the best surprise of all. I didnt find out with DS and i wont find out with this one, there is plenty of time after the birth to get bit you want in pink or blue.

I would also like to add that i have no issues with other people finding out the sex, its honestly a personal opinion.

Good luck

Dh very much wanted it to be a surprise. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself if I knew, so I did not try to find out.

I found out our 1st and 3rd children's sexes myself (dh couldn't help himself and announced no2's sex to the whole labour ward before I ever saw her!). It was the most amazing and awesome experience - holding such a completely new and amazing person in my arms, so new that nobody could introduce us, and then finding out that they were my sons. Oh it was wonderful each time.

As for buying stuff, you don't need to get gender-specific kit, and once you've had the baby people will buy lots of presents for the baby - and 9 times out of 10 they'll buy girly stuff if it's a girl, and boyish stuff if it's a boy, rather than neutral stuff.

I prefer a surprise, it's my motivation to push!

I am going to find out next week hopefully. Like Daisy5 I have always envisioned having a girl, and though I won't be disappointed if it is a boy, I would prefer to find out now and have some time to get used to the idea of a son. I am not a fan of surprises in general, prefer to be prepared and know what is coming! So, if I am able to find out then I will. It is totally each to their own though and I don't think it is right for anyone to condemn anyone else's decision to find out or not find out.

Hi misselliemae, I'm in the same prediciment as you. It does seem that unless you know the sex, your purchasing options are very limited.

Have been looking at baby stuff for weeks now and I must say it looks quite difficult to buy 'neutral' stuff, even the pram I liked could I definately be described as more feminine than masculine in colour, and vice versa for the travel system i like

Then there's the distinct lack of nice baby clothes in neutral colours, yet if you go pink or blue the options are endless

This even comes down to the colour of the top and tail bowl and the baby bath.

I know many people will say this is very superficial and it shouldn't really matter, but like you it's my first dc I would like everyhing to be nice and not be sat thinking two weeks after the birth, oh i wish i'd bought that in pink/blue it was so much nicer.

It does seem a silly reason to find out, but it's my reason, because otherwise I can't buy anything untill after the birth, and I have feeling that's the last thing I'll feel like doing

It is a personal decision. I can understand why people find out, but it wasn't for me. I didn't find out with either of my children and have no regrets.
I felt that having gone through nine long months of pregnancy I really wanted that fabulous surprise at the end. I enjoyed 'umming and ahhing' about whether my bump looked like a boy or girl bump etc and I was also glad it was a lovely surprise for friends and family.
As for getting things ready - don't worry, you'll get lots as presents and other stuff can wait...

My thoughts

1. If one of you wants a surprise, then you shouldn't find out IMO.
2. You can buy neutral stuff so there's not a lot of planning needed! friends/family will buy you gender specific gifts once the baby is born.
3. If you would be upset to have one or the other sex, it's best to find out so that the birth of your baby is not marred by any sense of disappointment. You will love the baby whatever sex it is once you have it in your arms

I've done both. DS1 I didn't find out, DS2 I accidentally found out at a late growth scan and was able to get over my "not a girl" disappointment before he was born, DD I found out and had enough time to get over my shock at what to do with a girl All were great.

Also bear in mind that they can't always tell the sex depending on what position the baby is in. We didn't find out with our first but this time I asked at my 20 week scan because we thought it would be good to know so we could explain to DS and get him to call it by its name, etc before its born. But the sonographer said she couldn't tell because of the angle the baby was at, then she said she'd guess at a girl but she's not sure because she couldn't see much. So we still don't really know so now I kind of wish I'd not asked! People keep asking if its a girl or boy and I kept explaining that it might be a girl but we're not sure, and I think its made DS more confused!

I didn't find out with my dd - in fact I'd convinced myself I was having a son. I didn't worry about the colour of the pram (blue) or her baby bath top/tail bowl (green) being inappropriate as I don't see colours as gender specific - it drove me mad when people assumed my dd was a boy later on as I'd dressed her in blue outfits. I was inundated with enough pink stuff after the birth to clothe an entire nursery! Her cot blankets were white or cream as were her vests/baby gros.

I don't know what I'd do if I had a second child - it would depend on what my DP wanted as I've had the experience of a 'surprise'.

I agree simplysally - I love blues and greens and bought these colours too even though I knew I was having a girl.

But the shops are so naughty, putting a little bit of lace on the collar or sleeve of items in the girls section and making the boys clothes really 'plain' - so even navy blue items looked very 'girlish' or 'boyish'.

My aunt said to me 'so this is the equality we fought for in the 60's'?

Last time I found out but didn't tell DH (he wanted a surprise). I found it easy to keep the secret and didnt' tell a soul. Was still a lovely surprise when she came out - amazing to see what she actually looked like. I liked knowing last time (didn't know with DD1 though). Am undecided whether to find out this time (DC3).

There are benefits to knowing - just depends how organised you want to be I guess. I found it a relief to know last time as was desperate for her to be another girl (and she was).This time I'm not fussed about the sex so maybe that's why I'm not desperate to know?

I prefer new babies to be dressed in white sleepsuits for the first couple of months anyway so knowing the sex didn't really affect my shopping. And the nursery was pale green and white anyway so didn't bother painting it.
(If I'd started splashing pink paint around it would have given the game away I guess!)
This time I'm going to paint the nursery with duck egg blue and white (IMO that's fine for a boy or a girl - although I bet everyone will (wrongly) think that I've done that becasuse know it's a boy!!!)
Best of luck with your decision.

It's as much a surprise when you find out the sex of your child in the 20 week scan as it is after giving birth.

It really depends on your personality.
I found out because I was soooooo worried about complications in birth and me not really able to deal with a 'surprise'. I just wanted to focus on a healthy baby.
I'm also super organised and don;t regret having everything ready and not having to go shopping for the first 3 months of my DD's life.

I found out last time and will again this time round. It was lovely being able to say "she" istead of it, got lots of lovely pink bits etc.

There is plenty of time to get stuff after the birth BUT we had no money and needed to get things cheap/free as and when we saw them so from the 20 week scan we started getting everything together, where as if we had waited till baby was here we would have had to buy it all in the shops full price which we couldn't afford.

And I don't like all the white babygrows etc so there was no point in getting loads!

When I am helping a woman to deliver her baby I love it if we don't know the sex. It just seems to add to the excitement of the moment somehow. I didn't find out with either of mine, what's the point? They have the rest of their lives to conform to gender stereotypes!

Buy white clothes.

It is the only true surprise you will ever have.

Don't find out.