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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

20 week scan: Should I find out the sex? What are the advantages/disadvantages of knowing/not knowing?

51 replies

misselliemae · 12/11/2008 13:20

Should I find out the sex? My DP wants a surprise but i am worried about not being prepared and not having any time after the birth to get stuff (it's our first baby). What do you think? Have you found out and regretted it, or do you think its best to know? Thanks v much

OP posts:

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dilbertina · 12/11/2008 16:21

We found out with dd and then with ds. With dd it was pure nosiness really...with ds it was helpful to prepare dd knowing she was going to have a little brother. This time we are determind not to ask....

CaptainKarvol · 12/11/2008 16:23

It's an odd reason, I suppose, because I know they offer to tell you, but I felt it was slightly disrespectful to the sonographer to treat the scan as an opportunity to find out the sex. There she was, doing a very serious and technical job of checking all the heart valves, bones, the lenses of the eyes - always with the possibility of having to give someone really awful news. I just felt asking 'boy or girl' was too flippant - like I was there to see if the baby was healthy.

It's a totally personal pov, and I've not been that bothered to find out while still pg either time, which means there is no conflict for me. But that's how it feels.

Oh, and I hate the fact that you can't get nice gender neutral stuff - lemon yellow, eugh. Everyone is soooo keen to categorise into pink or blue. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, but I like bright colours...

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/11/2008 16:25

This reply has been deleted

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cece · 12/11/2008 16:34

We didn't find out with either of ours and I am glad we didn't. I am curretnly pg again and doubt we will find out the gender this time either.

My reasons are;

I love all the seculative talk of whether it is a boy or girl.

I love the discussions for names and not knowing allows more scope for this!

I personally prefer babies in white or cream, looks sooo much nicer... (imo). In fact all my newborn stuff is very neutral.

We had yellow baby bath and so on so isn't a problem for us.

Also prams, I have noticed since I had DS they are more gender specific colours! Having said that DS rode around in a predominately purple pram as he had an older sister, he also had a lilac blanket!

I love the surprise when they come out.

hunkermunker · 12/11/2008 16:35

It's up to you. There are pros and cons for both. Depends on the kind of person you are. Just don't call people who don't do it the way you do "stupid" (am sure you wouldn't).

noonki · 12/11/2008 16:54

Go with your heart - if you don't care then wait as you will find out eventually and have nothing to regret, if it matters a lot to you about the sex then find out

(for DS2 I was hankering for a girl and tbh was a bit sad that he wasn't ..not know as I love every squishy bit of him but for the first few days)

also - it honestly doesn't matter about colours etc... both my DS's have donned some lovely pink items donated from friends!

daisy5 · 12/11/2008 17:18

Yes, I agree with noonki - do what your heart tells you. There is no right or wrong.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster

misselliemae · 12/11/2008 17:46

Thanks so much everyone for all your posts -all super helpful. Real food for thought, am thinking maybe we won't find out. It is rubbish though how there is a lack of neutral clothes and baby stuff out there. Thanks again!

OP posts:

cece · 12/11/2008 17:51

Boots do packs of white babygrows. I also recommend Primark white vests, they wash really well. TBH all you need to start with are babygrows. People will buy you 'outfits' as presents...

CatDean · 12/11/2008 18:19

Message withdrawn

fishperson · 12/11/2008 18:37

People have different reasons for wanting to know or not. We wanted a surprise for our one and only dd and I'm happy we didn't know beforehand. Though reading the post about being able to talk to your "bump" by name sounds wonderful.

Not sure how common this is, but dh's cousin was told she was expecting a girl...decorated the nursery accordingly, bought lots of pink clothes, and then produced a BOY!! She didn't mind having a son but did mind preparing to have a girl!

gingercat12 · 12/11/2008 18:50

I just knew I was expecting a boy, I do not know how. So really the ultrasound just confirmed what I could already sense from his movements. (I originally hoped it would be a girl, so it was not just wishful thinking. I am delighted he is a healthy boy though.)

It is up to you. My DP and I are very practical, so we were happy to find out officially.

frazzledoldbag34 · 12/11/2008 20:03

I also know someone who was told at scan she was having a girl, did everything in pink, bought an entire wardrobe of pink clothes etc etc Baby came out with a willy! She didn't mind the gender being wrong but was annoyed she'd spent all that money on pink!

I also (irrelevant but funny story) know of a woman whose baby was born, was told it was a boy, was given 'him' wrapped in a blanket, fed 'him', phoned the relatives to announce his name etc etc etc.
When she came to do his check with the midwives they unwrapped him from his blanket and found that actually 'he' was a 'she'. Don't know WHAT the midwife thought she'd seen when he was delivered but she's defintely a girl and not a boy. Was really embarrassing having to phone everyone up and say 'Actually, we got it wrong. It's a girl!'.

The only sure way to know I think is if you happen to have an amnio or cvs (although obviously you wouldn't have one of these just to find out the sex!!!!!!!)

MrsMcJnr · 13/11/2008 21:25

Was really against knowing with DS (though I was convinced he was a boy) this time I'm not sure but swaying towards finding out, I'm in Spain now and everyone seems to find out don't know

tinkisexcitedabouthavingababy · 14/11/2008 17:32

we found out what we were having with dd1 and know that we are having another girl this time i am 31 weeks.
i couldnt imagine not finind out the gender as i wanted to buy all the gender realtd bits
this time have bought pink teddies,pink vtech toys,lots of cute newborn dresses,pink coat. have chosen a red buggy as liked that colour like someone else said it is hard to get pram etc in neutral.
like to have all the clothes ready.
with dd1 helped us decorate nursery abit more girly and buy girly clothes etc.
find that it really helps with bonding knowing what gender i have in there.
mainly wanted to find out this time to prepare dd and they are sharing a room

eejaykay · 14/11/2008 18:01

we decided to find out as having had two mcs last year, I hadn't let myself get excited til the 20 week scan and personally felt it would help with slightly catching-up bonding! Happy we've done it but we're mostly not telling other people as it feels very private. I find it very weird the number of people who ask me 'do you know what it is', especially as they look at me askance when I say 'a baby'...

I know why we wanted to know but I can't work out why people who know us do!

tillyblue · 14/11/2008 18:15

For me, much more importantly than what sex it's the surprise of who is this?

Their hair colour, skin tone, their cry, their eyes, who they look like... the surprise at meeting your new little person is so much greater than the boy/ girl thing.

i found out at my 20 week scan with all 3 of mine and wouldnt have had it any other way.

2beautifulgalsandabean · 14/11/2008 18:40

I found out with DD1 and 2 and pleased i did. DD1 reasoning was i wanted to prepare mentally and physically with clothes etc and i thought labour would be a surprise enough. DD2 i wanted to find out to prepare DD1.
Now 13 weeks pregnant and really really would like a surprise this time, last ever pregnancy and last chance at being able to be surprised in the best way possible. Plus it will stop me going mad on the baby clothes buying if i can only buy neutral clothing (always end up with way tooo much. However DH really wants to find out, his main reason is because he really wants a boy (not that he admits this) So i know if we found out and it was a girl he would be dissapointed, whereas once the baby is here and he found out it was a girl he would just forget the dissapointment and see a beautiful baby.

starmucks · 14/11/2008 18:53

As everyone says, it's a personal decison. I was sure that I didn't want to know, while my husband was the opposite until the day of the scan. Then he was ambivilant and I really wanted to know! In the end he caved and we decided just to keep it to ourselves - we didn't tell a soul so it was a surprise to everyone else. In the end it was still a surprise for us because we had no idea what DS was going to look like, who's nose he would have (mine luckily), etc. ..

miamla · 14/11/2008 18:59

we found out mainly to confirm what i was pretty sure I already knew. I was right! bit strange because i always imagined myself having a girl but as soon as i found out i was pregnant, i knew it'd be a boy. and he was and i wouldn't change him for a million girls!

Turniphead1 · 14/11/2008 19:09

Miss congrats on your PG. Dh and I have always been very pro-not finding out. Our personal view is that it is so lovely to have a surprise at the end of all the huffing and puffing. We were also very swayed by a nice m/w we know who said that she wasn't going to find out about her first baby, as having been at 100s of births she thought there was something just that little bit more magical in those births when the sex wasn't already known. Only her view of course!

For me the bonding with baby/getting nursery , clothes etc arguments really don't wash. I think the only circs I would find out were say if I have two or three DC of same sex and wanted the other last time round (to manage my own and other people's expectations).

Pet dislike of mine is when people find out the sex, tell you in advance AND the name. (I'd keep all these to myself if I did find out) So by the time baby arrives - peoples reaction is a little "oh yeah, so Bob is here. Great"

miamla · 14/11/2008 19:12

forgot to say, we didn't tell anyone else (although DP slipped up a couple of times) and we kept name secret

mrsfossil · 14/11/2008 19:22

Don't be too disapointed if they can't tell you the sex. My sisiters baby wouldn't move into a good position so they couldn't see what was between the legs.

orangehead · 14/11/2008 19:22

I didnt want to know with my first but then I sadly lost it at 12 weeks. I then went on to have two more mc's, so by the time I got preg with the 4th I didnt dare get remotely excited infact I cried for the first 18 weeks as we had planned to stop trying for a couple of years as I wasnt coping well. Finding out the sex helped me to accept that it looked like I was finally getting my baby. We didnt tell anyone the sex or the name that we had choosen quite early. As it turned out if I had not found out I would not of missed out on that surprise moment as I had a emergency section under G.A and my first memory of seeing my son is very fuzzy as I was coming round

Littleladyloulou · 14/11/2008 19:42

Why does it matter if other people tell you the sex of their baby and the name in advance though? It's no great shakes if they find out and want to tell others too. My mum feels like this and it annoys me she does, it is slightly arrogant of her to be annoyed that her surprise has been spoilt as to what the baby is.

Understandable perhaps if it's a very close family member who's having the baby (ie a sister or daughter) and you will be related to said unborn baby but other than that, such as friends, colleagues, neighbours etc - it is not about you having your surprise "spoilt", it's about allowing the parents-to-be their moment of excitement and pleasure in telling people in advance what they are having and what names they like, if that's what they want to do.

IMHO I think if you want one particular sex badly then it's good to find out at the scan to allow time to adjust. If you really aren't bothered either way then don't find out if you don't want

I am VERY pro-personal choice and pro-each-to-their-own-its-not-my-baby rather than pro-finding out or not

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