had a really bad 1st childbirth.....

[ahappymummy]

and its really traumatised me! seriously! that was just over two years ago and now myself and hubs are talking about baby no.2,i am really nervous,maybe scared of both the pregnancy and birth.any suggestions guys?

I had a bad time with my first DD, and was badly affected by it. The hospital I gave birth in had a service where you could go and review your medical notes and all that had happened with an independent mw. I found this really helpful - I had felt that I had 'failed' by needing an emergency c-section under GA, and also that I had totally lost control of my birth. The mw was very good at taking me through the events that led to this, and making me see things more clearly. She also suggested that DH came in with me a second time, as she felt that some of my problems were that I felt that I had let him down too.
Lots of hospitals offer this sort of counselling - even if yours doesn't, it might be worth getting in touch with the jead of midwifery and asking her for it. You can get past this - I have had 2 DDs, both VBAC, since

This happened to me too, when I was pregnant with ds2 I had flashbacks to ds1's birth, which was beyond awful.

I insisted on an elective c section for ds2 and dd, dr wasn't keen, but I was determined not to go through that again. IME, recovering from a c-section is WAY easier, physically and emotionally, that a ventouse delivery, episiotimy and stiches

thanls poledra,it has become a bit of an anxiety for me and am stuck on how to overcome this.i desperately want a sibling for my son but am just so bloody scared!

macherie,i was thinking of an elective c section but now am nervous of that!

Similar here. Had a miserable time with my first labour, but thought that I had coped with the distress - after all, I had a healthy baby at the end of it. Ha ha ha. During my labour ward tour towards the end of my second pg the midwife noticed that I was getting quite upset (in fact very angry, but trying to keep it under wraps) and asked if I wanted to have a private meeting with her in her role as the midwife who specialised in talking with mums after labour.

took her up on the offer and spent about two hours with her going over my notes in great detail. She listened to me in a completely open and non-judgemental way. Explained what had happened and why, and was frank when she could not explain why certain things had happened. She accepted my anger and distress, and feelings of humiliation as perfectly valid. Above all, she effectively gave me permission to say "No" when I needed to do so. Which I did, when I came to the hospital in labour a few weeks later. It made such a huge difference to that labour, which was vastly better than the first one.

Unlike you, I didn't realise that I had unresolved issues over the first labour, until it was nearly too late to deal with them. But when I did deal with them, and had had this 'debriefing' with the specialist midwife, I felt so amazingly better. I was able to look forward to the labour with confidence in my ability to birth the baby, rather than in fear of repeating the previous miserablness.

And, you know what? Having a good birthing experience wiped out the memory of the bad one. It's a bit like the memory of labour itself - you remember that it hurt, but you don't actually feel the pain any more. I remember that I was very upset by the labour, and some of the events that upset my, but I no longer feel the distress at all.

Having had a decent birthing experience, and through that having learned to trust my body's ability to birth a baby, I then went on to have an amazing third birth.

Go on, take that first step - talk to the hospital...

I know you will already know that a second labour is different, but just in case it's encouraging... my first labour was horrible (though luckily DD1 was fine, so actually it was OK) - so I was pretty scared about doing it again. But the second time around could not have been more different.

First time my body failed to labour efficiently, it went on for days & days and ended in a massive haemorrhage needing transfusions, horrible tearing, episiotomy, ventouse, needed surgery some months later. This time around I had a textbook-perfect labour, delivered in water and only needed gas & air just before the pushing stage.

Obviously I don't know what went wrong for you, but it is very likely that your second labour will be significantly easier than your first.

If you can afford it I would suggest having a doula or independent midwife or even going private, as I think having trust & confidence in your birth team is really important if you have had a difficult first labour.

I was having similar fears until recently. First time round I had a third degree tear & needed to spend 2 hours in theatre being stitched back together. DD was only 5lb 1oz too so I just got really unlucky! Thankfully I healed well & haven't had any major problems as a result of the tear, but I'm all too aware that if it was to happen again there's a chance I could end up being incontinent for life. My doctor told me that the chance of it happening again is around 1%, so I'm feeling confident about giving birth naturally again. I was offered an elective caesarian but turned it down.

What really helped me was reading online about other women who had been through the same as me & then gone on to have much more positive birth experiences with subsequent children.

I was very nervous before my first c-section, but it was fine. I didn't like the doctor and the hospital was understaffed, so nursing care was pretty bad, so went to a different hospital for dd. Fantastic female doctor, had children herself, I think that makes a difference.

Dh and I walked into the theatre, dr introduced us to all the staff, lovely anaesthatist gave me the epidural, when I felt a bit woozy, held my hand and was so reassuring for the few seconds until my blood pressure came up again. Dr was telling everyone else how we had 2 ds already and when dd was lifted out, she said it's a girl, and everyone in the room clapped and cheered. It was the most amazing moment I even feel teary remembering it!

The recovery was so easy, I didn't have morphine, just regular painkillers, was up and about the next day. In contrast, with ds1, it was weeks before I could sit down without wincing, and I don't want to remember the pain when I had to pee, urgh!

I know there a lots who disapprove of elective c-sections, but it was a hugely positive choice for me.

1st birth worst experience of my life
2nd probably the best.

Do LOTS of research, write a detailed birth plan and hire a doula

I also agree that talking to the hospital re your first will be helpful.

good luck

macherie, I'm surprised at people disapproving of elective c-sections - it's your choice of what's best for you and your baby, and no-one else's business. For me, I was desperate to have a vaginal birth after the emergency section, so that was the right way to go. Another friend had a similar first birth to mine, and she had an elective section for her second birth and it was totally the right choice for her.
Also, my third birth was what some might consider medicalised (induced, epidural) and it was bloody fantastic and I loved every minute of it. It's never the same for each woman.

thaankyou guys for all the positive threads,its made me feel a bit better.
how expensive are doulas? its something iv never looked into.and is the second birth always easier as i have heard this before?

Not always ahappymummy. There are no guarantees with this childbirth malarky, but it usually is.

However, hiring a doula may help you have an easier 'experience' even if the birth has complications iyswim.

The cost approx £300-800 for a qualified doula and between free-£150 for a trainee.

They usually give you a free chance to interview them which usually includes a debrief of your last birth, - and then 2 antental visits, being on call for a month, and then two postnatal visits. You can usually contact them any time for advice, info or just support as soon as you book them, and thy can help you have the information available that you might need to 'challange' anything during your antenatal care!

HTH

Look at the doula uk website for more information.

thanks for that starlightexpress.
Is this just a natural reaction to a difficult 1st birth,maybe it could be i thought i was the only one stressed!

ahappymummy, not necessarily - my first labour was fine straightfoward, but had a shoulder dystocia with 2nd

am pg with third and really scared now too, considering asking for an elective...

Sadly you're by no means the only person feeling afraid of having further children I've seen post on here. My experience was much less traumatic than yours and I'm 28 weeks pregnant but I still fret from time to time, but there are lots of women here with real horror stories.

Although I've yet to talk to her for more details, a baby group friend who was in labour for 42 hours before having an emergency caesarian with her first baby last year sent me a text message announcing the arrival of her second, within a couple of hours of the birth.

Read here and you'll find loads of stories including plenty of how things can be different second time around. But also, it does sound like talking to someone in real life about what was so bad for you and how you can move on from that if you want to go ahead with another baby would be well worth it. Good luck.

'Is this just a natural reaction to a difficult 1st'

I don't know. I certainly DO know that a lot of people feel like you, but I have my reservations about whether they 'ought' to iyswim. Even with complications a potentially horrific birth can be without trauma if the woman feels in control, fully supported etc.

For these reasons I would describe my two text book labours as this:

1st: Worst experience of my life
2nd: One of the best

Have you written down your birth experience, or talked it through, with your hospital or a councellor?

Goodness this is a very timely thread. I spoke to the other girls on my post natal group about this last wk. I am currently 35wks with DC2. I was am still a bit terrified about giving birth again after my last labour. 21/2 days on the labour ward constant monitering epidural 2nd degree tear but all in all not a horrific birth but traumatic to me all the same.

I went to my local birthing center last wk to have a tour and I completely fell apart. It was so lovely the staff fantastic and a totally different to what I had experienced last time round vv busy central London hospital. So much so I feel I can give birth there without the back up of a hospital and epidurals etc. I am off there next wk to discuss things with a midwife to properly out my mind at rest.

I think you should make an app to speak to the midwifes at your hospital so that you can reconcile what happened. I think that dealing with this now is a great idea much better to have it sorted out in your head now than when you get pregnant.

Good luck.

Each birthing is different. If you can get beyond the fear of repeating the previous experience then you can learn from it and improve your next birthing.

For example, two things made a big difference for me: firstly having gained the confidence to say "No" to the medical professionals, and secondly recognising that my instinct to 'deal with it' and avoid physical contact with anyone was counterproductive. So, during dd's birth, instead of trying to get through contractions on my own, I got dh to hold me. Sounds simple, but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

I also recognised certain sensations in my body, and I knew where I was in the labour, and what was going to happen next. Unfortunately I didn't quite trust myself, yet! But, again, I learned from that experience, and in my third labour I trusted my body, and my recognition of what it was doing - even to the point of ignoring the midwife's instructions - and ended up having the most amazing labour.

Umm, I don't want to sound like a vaginal birth evangelist. If ECS is your way, and would enable you to gain the joy of extending your family, then that's fine - it's your body, your choice, after all. But, please, don't go into it blindfold. Explore all your options, starting with a good debrief with a specialist midwife.

PrettyCandles, how do you go about talking to a specialist midwife if you have fear of childbirth? thanks, Dinny

Dinny, I don't know how PrettyCandles went abou t it (obviously{grin]) but my hospital ran a service called BirthRight (I think) that was specifically for women to go and talk over their birth experiences. You could find out if this sort of thing is available in your area by asking the Patient Liaison Service, or the Head of Midwives.

thanks

does it matter that I didn't have my first two births at the hospital I am now booked at, do you think?

I had a traumatic first birth and had an elective section for my second. I had a bad tear so was advised this would be the best route and I was quite relieved. But I didn't feel happy with my second experience either. 3rd time around I booked a doula who was fab and had a great VBAC experience.

Now on my 4th pregnancy and the second person I told after DH was the doula, to make sure she is free!

Hi, Changer, I had a doula second birth too - she was fab and it did help but am still really scared, despite knowing she's be there

congrats on your 4th!