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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

any one have promlems with their partner going off sex?

32 replies

jbakedbean · 03/10/2008 23:10

I'm just over 12 weeks pregnant and since i told my partner ( week 4) he has shown me very little affection. It's as if I have suddenly turn from his girlfriend into this baby carrier that should not be touched. I have tried showing him the books and advice that say sex is perfectly healthy as long as it is comfortable but it doesn't seem to work. He has said he will have sex "if it will make me happy", i've got to be honest and say it completely lacks affection and may as well not happen. He is so scared of hurting the baby and or can't get his head around having sex whilst there is a baby in there that I'm really missing affection.

He is also avoiding showing me affection, hugs, cuddles, kissses or anything that I may interpret as a come on. Not just that but even the basics have stopped. I'm feeling quite low and in desperate need of some tlc. I've tried telling him but he says i'm over reacting and hormonal, which i know I can be but this has been going on for weeks.

Is anyone else experiencing similar?

OP posts:
RedOnHerHead · 03/10/2008 23:15

i had this at the beginning of my first pregnancy - he got used to it towards the middle, then as i got bigger he went off it again. then on my second towards the end he was the same again - it was awful, then after having the babies he wanted it again and couldn't understand that bloody hell it stings and i'm too tired!

sorry i don't have any useful advice, but just to let you know that you are not on your own.

oh, and congrats on your pregnancy

Original poster
jbakedbean · 03/10/2008 23:20

thanks, It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I've always had a higher drive than him, and probably wrongly I've always used sex as a way to get reassurance for love and build confidence so when it's not there and at a time when I really need a boost I'm left feeling very rejected.

Was your partner open to alternatives? as mine has said a very strong no to all alternatives which I also don't understand.

OP posts:
shhhh · 03/10/2008 23:29

pregnancy for dp/dh can be daunting and just as scary...

I had x2 mc before having dd and dh & I were concerned about sex etc and tbh dh did worry about contact iykwim...I guess they worry they will harm you or the baby etc...

imo, I would sit her down and chat to him about it. I guess the fact you are having a baby togther means he's committed so don't stress..just wait till after the baby arrives...sex isn't always the 1st thing on your mind .

Forensica · 04/10/2008 01:24

Hi, I had some bleeding at the start and that put us both off sex for some time. However after a while we tried some oral sex and then realized that nothing is happening to the baby so we slowly progressed further .
If he said that he could have sex with you if you really wanted to, maybe you should ask him for it. I know that it is not very romantic, but he might realize that nothing is happening to you or the baby and that might reassure him for future. Fingers crossed

But to be honest,I am very lucky since hubby seems to be extremely attracted to my bump and everything now when I am pregnant.

zazen · 04/10/2008 01:35

try having 'it' in the bathroom / standing up in some lingerie / a babydoll dress etc!

I know my DH went off it completely when I fell preggo and since we had DD we've only done the deed a few times. He thinks of me as a mother and not his gf / dw: he makes an advance if I've been doing pilates, and pull my tummy in.

Sex when preggo is daunting and scary, good luck with everything.

Ginni · 05/10/2008 00:20

my partner has gone off sex and all the alternatives, he just says my belly is full. I am so horny though and finding it very difficult. We seem to manage it about once every 1-2 months which is torture for me and makes me feel very unattractive so I do empathise with you.

broodymom · 05/10/2008 10:48

My dp was like this my first pg and it was really hard. But things returned to normal right after the baby was born. This time he is sex mad and i'm the one who doesnt want it! he says he finds it a turn on now to think the woman he loves is carrying his baby and cant keep his hand off me. Dont get too upset with him he probably is just worried he may harm his baby and is treating you like a delicate flower bless him x

babyinbelly · 05/10/2008 12:21

My DP is the same. We have only had sex twice since I got pregnant and I am now 18weeks. The first time was awkward and horrible and ended in me crying, but the 2nd time was great, even though we haven't had a repeat performance.

DP wont discuss his sudden lack of sex drive so I don't know why it is, whether he doesn't want to hurt me, the baby or if I am suddenly unattractive now I am pregnant?

TBH I have just accepted the lack of sex and satisfy myself alone iyswim. In my case though we still have cuddles and a very close relationship in other ways so I at least get comfort and affection from him.

I would ease up on trying to get your partner to have sex as he obviously is uncomfortable with it and explain that you still need his affection and wont take it the wrong way.

Sorry for the long post!

Louisexox · 05/10/2008 12:53

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and I only stopped having sex 2 weeks ago I can't get off a chair properley never mind time for any naughty stuff. My Partner said he loves my pregnant body( I think he means the fact I have went from a DD cup to an F), I don't know what I would of done if he wouldn't have sex with me during pregnancy I felt very unattractive and having someone tell me that they love me and still find me attractive really does help. Maybe try getting a film out one night and just having a cuddle, you sound like you need some closeness and affection. Also explain to him that you are not just carrying his child you a sexual being who just wants some attention from your lover. Maybe go on the internet get some print outs about sex during pregnancy and he will see that he cannot harm the baby.

Good luck I hope all goes well.
x

mummy2000 · 05/10/2008 15:15

I had the same problem when i first told my partner. There has been some progress now that i've talked it over with him and i'm getting plenty of cuddles and kisses now. His reason for it was that he wanted to wait until i was at the safer stage of my pregnancy.

titmouse · 06/10/2008 17:31

I asked my husband this morning why he doesn't seem to want to have sex or even some touching and he said he's a bit scared about what he can and can't do. To be honest I didn't think I would want to have it but I've got to 16 weeks and I am feeling much better and I am missing the loving, haven't had any since we conceived!

I think I am going to get the NHS book out cos that has a chapter for the fathers and I seem to remember it had some reasurrance in it.

Original poster
jbakedbean · 08/10/2008 20:07

Thanks everyone, must admit he is getting a bit better and showing a bit more affection. I've had a chat to him about how i need to be made to feel special and if he does that through cuddles i'd be happy with that and not expect more, and yet he then has led it to more.

I'm hoping with me not pressurizing him, he'll naturally approach, although have a feeling when my bump gets bigger it might stop again, but for now I'm just really greatful for all your comments and support.

Thanks

OP posts:
heverhoney1 · 09/10/2008 11:28

I have the opposite problem. He wants it - I really dont!! I still want him and the general idea of it is great but when it comes down to it I am just too worn out to put the effort in. Is that really bad?? Am 10+4 and REALLY hoping that the RUSH of the second trimester kicks in soon!!! Poor DP

bikerunski · 09/10/2008 15:31

My DH probably has a problem with his partner going off sex!

kitty26 · 09/11/2008 17:47

after reading all your messages, i feel exactly the same, i am 20 weeks and my partner wont have sex with me, he gives me kisses and cuddles, and i have reassured him that sex wont hurt the baby but there is still a block there. I also feel unattractive and it makes me feel unloved as we were always very physical and affectionate, also thought he was cheating at one point as if he's not getting it from me then he must be getting it from somewhere. Think thats just paranoia though. It does make you feel like there is something wrong though, as to me at the moment, having sex is a sign that he still finds me attractive and loves me. Am hoping it will improve, but not counting my chickens. I tried foreplay the other morning and he still wasnt interested??????? can anyone advise, dont think i have ever been this frustrated????

titmouse · 09/11/2008 18:17

Since I last posted on this thread I've got my mojo back, as has my husband - it took a lot of talking about how we both feel to get over the physical stumbling block.

Kitty26 would your partner read something on the subject - the latest issue of Prima pregnancy and baby magazine has a good article on sex during pregnancy, complete with diagrams! It's reassuring without bring technical or threatening.

kitty26 · 09/11/2008 19:05

Hi titmouse, we have done some research and i found some articles on the internet which i emailed to him, but it still doesnt seem to change anything, i sometimes wonder whether its not him and its me wanting it soooooooooo much, that the more pressure i put i on him the more it pushes him away (not pressure in like me pouncing on him) but by always seeming to bring it up, the articles havent helped, my talking to him hasnt helped, i dont really know what else to try. My only option i feel is to leave it for now, put sex to the back of my mind, not get upset when morning after morning he gets up rather than getting jiggy with me. I do feel so unattractive and un loved at times though, and suppose feeling so sexual could be my way of feeling reassurance from him.

melmamof3 · 09/11/2008 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titmouse · 09/11/2008 19:27

Hi Kitty26, maybe leaving it for now is best in that case, as time goes on he might get more into the idea? It sounds like you've done all you can to help him see it is healthy and won't harm the baby or you.
I completely empathise with the reassurance thing, my body is changing in ways I couldn't imagine before pregnancy and and I think I needed to know I was still desirable even though up until recently I haven't actually wanted the sex! Now I do :-)

Have you tried just kissing and being close without hoping or mentioning that it might go further? that's what worked for us, the rest followed naturally.

kitty26 · 09/11/2008 21:05

It seems that now we are starting to feel the baby move about as well, its sort of made the situation worse. I think you're right about leaving it for now, and hopefully he will come round in his own time. I never realised how many changes are made to our bodies until i became pregnant, its amazing, but also like you and prob every other pregnant woman, we all need reassurance and when we dont get it it makes us feel low. We do alot of cuddling but only first thing in the morning. Hopefully the natural side of things will kick in, and perhaps its time for me to tell myself i am like you say, desirable, the lack of sex is purely down to the pregnancy. Thankyou for your responses. its much appreciated. am glad things finally sorted themselves out for you x

lecohen · 09/11/2008 21:37

Hi there, totally in the same boat as you both this pregnancy and with previous...It's not a nice feeling, esp when you feel less attractive anyway, hardly reassuring.

Strangely though, when out, I do find that I get lots of unwantd attention from other men which although very bizarre, reassures me that I am not hideous lol

kitty26 · 10/11/2008 16:55

thats good lecohen. Not about how you feel but the attention when you're out. Honestly i havent noticed myself, but its hard to when he gives strangers more attention than me.

lecohen · 10/11/2008 21:17

yup...men are crap! xxxhugsxx

kitty26 · 11/11/2008 11:36

agree totally, at one point i thought i understood them, how wrong was i??? what will be will be but its so hard not feel rejected day after day, we argued over it yesterday and i was made to feel bad!!!! how is it my fault, aaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh, its not gd though, have started reading too much onto everything now, perhaps i shudnt care so much. big hugs too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lecohen · 11/11/2008 11:51

Hi Kitty,

Sorry it makes you feel so low, I have made peace with it to be honest as I know that it's my hub's hangup and not mine.

I am sure you look just as lovely as ever but it's hard for some partners to go from seeing you as a sexy lover to mum with a bun in the oven.

At my later stages of pregnancy (have 4 weeks left), I am actually getting grateful for his lack of interest as feel so uncomfortable now and hardly ever in the mood anyway.

Is your partner still cuddling you and making small gestures or has that declined too? With my first preg, my hub and I used to bicker all the time and hardly ever expressed affection - until AFTER my c-sec, then he was a perfect angel lol....Shame I had to wait 9 months eh! x

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