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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Er....anyone else think it is extremely rude when people ask 'was it planned'?

55 replies

Millie26 · 19/09/2008 13:31

Especially when they are collegues you hardly speak to and they say it really loudly in the corridor or in front of your team or in Tescos or anywhere it seems as that is first thing loads of people have said!

Wasnt expecting that!

How rude!

OP posts:

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CookieMonster2 · 19/09/2008 13:57

I got asked this a lot as well. Suddenly when you are pregnant it seems acceptable for people to start asking questions about your sex life.
I even had quite a senior guy that I work with work out when it would have been conceived and commented that we would have been celebrating something in particular at the time. Cheeky bastard. I didn't complain about him because we were at a work party and he was completely pissed but I don't think it was acceptable, especially in his position. Funny how he didn't have any comments to make at all when I had a miscarriage the week after.

zoejeanne · 19/09/2008 13:59

I didn't get this (too much) - but lots of 'bad timing, having a xmas baby' (due on xmas eve) - which is pretty much the same. As if people expected us to get the calendar out each time we got down to it, just to work out 9 months from that day ...

CookieMonster2 · 19/09/2008 14:14

I remember a reply a gave to one person was "well its quite complicated, how much information would you like?". It was at that point they realised they didn't want any information at all.

BTW - now on pg no.3, all have been planned, but when someone asks I never say that, I always make sure they wish they had never asked.

MrsMattie · 19/09/2008 14:20

Loads of people asked me and DH this when I was due with our first child. I presume because we weren't married...? Bloody cheek.

BabyBaby123 · 19/09/2008 14:20

yes it is rude and none of their bloody business. I'm keeping a mental note of some of these responses though as I think I'll probably be asked by some nosy bugger soon enough

beanieb · 19/09/2008 14:31

if I get pregnant I think I will be blunt if anyone asks me... "We tried for months on end with little success until now, I used two fertility monitors, took agnus castus, spent a fortune on Zita West vitamins, held my legs in the air every time even when I was knackered from having sex 5 days in a row... anything else you want to know?"

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks · 19/09/2008 14:33

thing is everyone we know knew we wanted a big family and i still get asked...does make you wonder whether some people think before engaging in conversation

SpookyMadMummy · 19/09/2008 14:33

I get that all the time from the Mums at school. I am pg with DC3 and often asked is this one planned?
They think just because DD1 and 2 are in f/t school my time having children is over

mustrunmore · 19/09/2008 14:41

The first person we tld when I got pg wiht ds1 actually just burst out laughing. And then asked if it was planned

MrsBick · 19/09/2008 14:57

when anyone asked during my 1st pregnantcy if it was an accident, i replied with " yes, we accidently had sex"

not many people have asked this time.

skidaddle · 19/09/2008 15:00

Am I the only one who doesn't think it's rude at all? I have also been asked a lot and happily told the truth (no with DD, yes with DS). Maybe being a nosey old bint myself I don't mid when other people are nosey too

MrsMattie · 19/09/2008 15:10

What do people expect you to say, though?

'No, it was a complete shock. I considered getting rid of it, actually...'

'No. The condom split. Gutted!'

'Yes, we'd been trying for months. I thought DH might have been firing blanks, actually!'

Christ.

Original poster

Millie26 · 19/09/2008 15:12

haha, yes I know what you mean skidaddle - I always want to know

I just take it personally because we're not married and I look quite young although I'll be 28 when baby is born and I feel like somehow people dont think it's normal or something and they cant just accept it and be happy for me like they are with other people that are married or older or something.

It's also embarassing at work because I said in my recent promotion interview that in two years I want to be in a so and so position and , ahem, now I'm leaving...

OP posts:

wonderstuff · 19/09/2008 15:20

I got asked this too, it didn't offend me as much as people constantly asking if I was planning to have children before I was pg. Why do complete strangers think this is an ok converstation starter? We had a mc and tried for dd for 3 years, fertility is such a sensitive issue, people really don't think before they open there mouths do they?
Try 'gosh thats so rude, you must be very embarressed'

Pontypine · 19/09/2008 15:38

I find it more rude when people say "ooooh, you're brave having a 3rd" - AM I??? Maybe i WANT 3 children!!!

SummerLightning · 19/09/2008 15:46

Yes, wonderstuff I agree with you, I hated people asking when I was having children!! nosey buggers. Also telling me to get a move on as I am getting old.

My DH asked a friend of mine when she was planning on having children, this friend is a lovely sweet natured quiet person, and she told him to f* off! Hahaha! I told him it served him right.

VictorianSqualor · 19/09/2008 15:57

It's one of those things isn't it.

In a few months time you'll be pissed off because someone ahs said either A)You're huge, sure it's not twins or B)Don't you have a nice neat small bump.

People have absolutely no idea what to say about someone else's pregnancy. They just don't care! Especially if they aren't a clsoe friend, but society tells us that if we hear some news about someone we must comment on it, and by trying to be polite and talk about something we really have absolutely no inbterest in we utter the most inane bullcrap we can think of and then look around in the hope that the ground will actually open up and swallow us hole.

Normally in the form of 'was it planned?' or a comment on the number/sex of children you already have be it 'Gosh you're brave' or 'Bet you hope it's a girl/boy this time (usually the opposite of what you already have) or sometimes 'Don't you have a telly?'.

mollythetortoise · 19/09/2008 16:04

I agree with VS. I think this is just one of those things that people say.. pregnant women have to listen to lots of this over the 9 months they are pregnant so you might as well get used to it.. soon everyone will be commenting on your bump, whether it is a boy/girl/ whether you ahve swollen ankles/ whether you'll be going abck to work etc etc etc and when they're born it get's EVEN worse. I think people don't care what your answers actually are.. it just smal talk and something to say plus gives women with children already a chance to talk about themselves and their own kids (which we all love to do!)

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks · 19/09/2008 16:39

we had the 'don't you have a telly' countless times this time (am pg with no 5) my response was 'yes and it works! but i like sex more than tv' cue very embarrassed looking person

we have 3 boys and one girl and i get the 'i bet your hoping for a girl this time aren't you?' why would i be? we have lovely boys and a lovely girl whether we have a boy or girl next i'll be just as grateful to have a lovely baby

i know people say things for the sake of it but why not think before you speak, it just irritates me in general i think

NorthernLurker · 19/09/2008 16:49

I didn't notice this with the first two but with our third (6 years between dd2 and dd3) it felt like everybody asked this! Together with -'hoping for a boy then' Then after she was born it was ' are you disappointed' or 'will you try again for a boy?'

It is rude - but also a reflection of normal human curiousity I suppose.

CaptainNancy · 19/09/2008 16:54

My 'DB' said this after the birth of DD. DH and I had only been together 14 years, and married for 3.... it's not as if we were 17!

CookieMonster2 · 19/09/2008 17:04

I can't believe anyone would have the guts to suggest you might be dissapointed to have a baby that wasn't the sex you might have been hoping for. OK, if there was a form to fill in to select the sex we would all have a preference, but who is going to look at their new born child and say 'oh well, we'll just have to try again'. Do these people have children of their own? We have a dd and people have already started asking if we want a boy. Yes, it would be nice, but I refuse to answer the question because its ridiculous to say you want a boy/girl when you can't control the outcome.

Original poster

Millie26 · 19/09/2008 17:08

Some people say things like 'are you pleased'? or 'what does (insert partner's name) think?' as if I'm going to say 'no, devastated, this huge smile and public announcement is just great acting' or 'Partner is mortified'.

Is totally human nature though, I feel mean being cross about it in a way but then again I would never ask something like that.

Maybe its a backhanded compliment - we are all just so easy to talk to and open and nice that relative strangers feel comfortable asking us about v private information

Maybe it's karma - I'm a researcher for the govt and have to ask all sorts so I deserve it I guess...

OP posts:

Anglepoise · 19/09/2008 19:56

This was one of those things where I always wondered why people got offended, and then when someone asked me was absolutely livid! I was asked by a bloody Jehovah's Witness, who looked like a stereoptypical apple-cheeked white-haired old lady, but who was just horrid. She'd already implied that I was about 15 (should probably be flattered, I'm 32!) and I think she was a bit shocked I'd answered the door in my dressing gown at about 11 am (I worked evenings at the time), then she asked something along the lines of whether she should be congratulating me or not - I think it was the implication that she could come in and give me moral absolution if I'd slipped up.

On the plus side, I was so upset and annoyed that the next time they came round, DH gave them such a talking to that they never came back, whereas before I'd had about three groups coming round every week because I was too much of a wuss to tell them to piss off

mummy2000 · 19/09/2008 22:44

Very rude indeed! It's none of their business if it was planeed or not.

I broke the news to a friend who i haven't spoke to for about a month and i got "congrats! Is it ***?" refering to my partner of years?!?! Did my friend honestly think that in that month, i had split with my partner i've been with for years, met someone else and fallen 6 weeks pregnant!?!?! I thought that was a very rude question to ask someone! I would never dream of asking someone that esp if they have been in such a long relationship!

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