Things they don't tell you before you get pregnant

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I know this has been done before, and that there are lots of bad things they don't tell you before you get pregnant.

But also, everyone goes on about how once you have the baby your life will never be the same again - they don't mention that you will love the baby so much, you will really like the new way, and not mind that everything you once enjoyed about your life has changed, because you have your baby instead.

OK, and then there is:

That you might never get the second trimester energy rush, and in fact might be exhausted all the way through!

That you will get instant attention from the NHS, until you get to 36 weeks pregnant, and then they will ignore you unless you can prove you are in labour (something that is impossible to do)

That you will never see the same midwife twice

That they will make you take home your wee, clean out the tub, and wee in it again a month later!

that you have to 'push down into your back passage' yes, like pooing so you inevitably poo and it gets everywhere. yuck. they must see it all the time but it still feels pretty shameful!

that people you barely know will ask you if the pregnancy is planned

that the midwives won't believe you when you say you need a poo the night after your c-section (whilst hooked up to catheter, etc) and so you end up pooing in your bed

that your rage levels will go through the roof

that no matter how fit you were before you got pregnant, you'll feel like you've run a marathon from walking up a single flight of stairs

That you will gain a sense of smell like a blood hound.

That palpation (???) is not that accurate. That at 38 weeks your midwife can say "Oh yes, his head is engaged", when actually he is back to back footling breech and will need to be born by emergency caesarian. (Not a hint that he was anything but perfectly positioned up to this point).

that you will be told to keep your mouth shut and not waste energy screaming, when you have been pushing for what feels like hours, by a no nonsense, non-smily, seen-it-all-before senior midwife

that seeing your baby at the ultrasound will be one of the most wonderful experiences of your life

That having a head cold can be like heaven because it stops you smelling everything, and you can actually have a day when you don't vomit at the smell of your own wee....

that maternity clothes are generally shit and very uncomfortable.

The good : your periods don't return if you are breastfeeding and lucky like me (14 months and still no sign)!

The bad : The dark line that draws itself along your tummy can stretch right up to your breasts

The ugly : Said line can remain like a stubborn ink blot (14 months and still no sign...of it going)!

that people - strangers, friends, work colleagues - will openly tell you how fat you are.

That the first time you stand up after giving birth you feel like you are going to fall over because your center of gravity changed so quickly.

That the immediately post-birth sleep deprivation will cause you to develop a stutter.

That after 36 weeks EVERYONE will expect you to be able to give birth on demand and that when it doesnt happen you are to blame and are being unreasonable for keeping ahold of baby when everyone else wants to meet him/her................ maybe i want to meet my baby too!

that your lung capacity will be so reduced that when you try to give a presentation to staff at 8.5 months, you will sound like larry the lamb.

that an epidural might only work down one side, feeling like half of you is in labour and half of you has been on a weekend bender.

that your capacity for farting even after the baby has been born has your neighbours looking at you funny.

that your previously friendly, nice MIL will turn into a wierd, jealous person.

That you can leak CM constantly so that you have to wear panty liners the whole time. So much for 9 months of no towels

That you can fall completely in love with your bump and be very protective of it in crowded places

That your fingers swell and never fully go back down, so that you can never wear your engagement ring again.

The first time you stand up after giving birth, you can feel all your internal organs go kerlunk kerlunk kerlunk down into the gap left by the deflating uterus. That is the weirdest physical experience of my life so far.

And yes, the FEAR of pooing again post-partum

(I think I win on the periods not coming back - I managed 30 months post-partum last time with extended breastfeeding feels proud and ubercrunchy and dead smug)

that feeling your baby kick in a work meeting is the smuggest, best secret ever.

that your forthcoming maternity leave will feel like a luxurious eternity as you've only ever had a fortnight off before - but it will fly by. Make the most of every day of it.

Some of these may have been said before, but this is what I didn't know:

That the smell of your favourite things in the world can now make you vomit (for me it was fresh coffee, amongst other things).

That tens machines are rubbish and a waste of money.

That you don't sleep much towards the end of pregnancy, so you're actually accustomed to no sleep when baby arrives.

That the first poo afterwards is on a par with child birth, especially if you've got stitches -Episiotomies can effect your sphincter.

That straight after the birth you still look pregnant.

There are many more! BTW, am I the only one who actually liked her maternity clothes? Also, I had much better skin and very little body hair.

That you would get the most painful cramps in the world which would not only wake you up in the middle of the night, but also spasm your foot in a pointed stance, such that it wouldn't

That you could wake up one day with painful claws instead of hands, your fingers refusing to bend for an hour or so. And that this would continue for a full third trimester.

That you shouldn't sit on the floor in the last month of pregnancy, lest you stay there flapping about like an overturned turtle until DH stops laughing and helps you up

That you would beg doctor for an induction towards the end because you just can't take it anymore.

The sheer hell of heartburn. Absolute agony. Can't understand how people live with it in 'normal' life.

Tha you will love your new baby more than you ever dreamed possible.

That you really, actually, do go off tea even though you've drunk it since you were 8 and previously moaned if you didnt have a cup every two hours.

That you cringe about posting on the Conception thread before you got pregnant with subjects such as 'blocked up nose - symptom of pregnancy?', 'woke up in night to have a wee - symptom of pregnancy?', 'felt a bit sick for 3 seconds this morning - am I pregnant?' and 'bit more tired than usual today - hoping for bfp!' when actually you dont feel any different until week 6 and then OH MY GOD do you know what tired and sick means...

That, everyday for at least 6 weeks, you spend from 5.30pm to 9pm on the sofa when dp tells you to wake up and go to bed.

That, because you spend so much time on the sofa, you hate television.

Oh, and that you feel you can genuinely reassure other people on MN that a day withoutmorning sickness/mild cramps in wk 14/achey boobs having a day off don't mean you are having a miscarriage, but the first sign of those happening to you and it's DEFINITELY game over.

Maybe just me that one!

That you quickly learn the location of all the public toilets when you are out shopping, and have rated them all, and that your bladder will dictate where and how you shop.
That the first time you take a walk after giving birth, you have to stop every 5 seconds to check your uterus isn't trailing along by your ankles...