Pregnancy after stillbirth

[feedmenow]

Just wondering if there are any other mums-to-be out there who have had a previous stillbirth?

I'm finding it quite hard on the normal ante-natal threads, I think because my concerns are mainly different to everyone elses. But I don't want to bring any of them down when they deserve to be so happy and excited, IYSWIM?

Anyway, am hoping there might be some others in the same boat as me who i can chat to in a more open way?

I joined MN especially to reply to your message, so forgive me if I make mistakes - Im new ! Yes I suffered a Stillbirth 04, had a baby 06 and am 15 weeks pregnant again. Pregnancy is a worrying time anyway without the added concerns of another miscarriage / stillbirth at the back of your mind that is always there. Hopefully my history proves to you that all can be fine the next time round and I wish you all the luck in the world. Congrats on being pregnant by the way - I think we are very brave!

I am not pregnant; wish I were, (SB 2004, DS born 2005 now TTC) but I have lived though a pregnancy after stillbirth. It is awkward in the antenatal phase, but it does get better as baby is born and grows up.

Everyone I've met has been hugely kind and reassuring, and didn't seem to feel that I was bringing them down. I went out and did mum to be things - not antenatal classes which I felt were a complete no-no, but I did aquanatal and that sort of thing.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm very sorry to hear about your previous loss.

Beanie & Mrsgboring, thank you for your replies, they are very much appreciated.

I'm sure ther must be others too, but I suppose if you aren't looking for a thread you won't necessarily find it?

Would you ladies mind hanging around?

I am a member of sands and I know lots of people get lots of support there but I just don't feel that I fit in all that well there. I feel much more able to be open and honest here on MN.

And like I said in my OP, it really wouldn't be fair of me to burden the AN group with this - plus they (luckily!) wouldn't have a true understanding of it.

Truth is, I feel so very strange. I am so determined to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can, just in case it is all I ever get of this baby. I am so sad that I didn't relish every moment I had with my dd2, that we didn't have a 4d scan, that I didn't record her heartbeat. But despite my desire to have as much as possible, I feel so detached. I used my doppler to hear the babys heartbeat this morning and couldn't find it for a while. I just thought "thats it then, another one gone". No panic, no tears. Just a really unsurprised attitude.

Beanie, are you on a bog-standard antenatal thread? I take it you aren't cos you joined specially (that is really, really lovely, thank you!) Are you finding this pregnancy easier than your first after the stillbirth?

Mrsg, am glad to hear you found it getting easier after the birth. I have been worried that I'll just be a forever worrier now, even more so than I am usually with my children! Now I know that things can and do go wrong I just think I'll forever be expecting the worse!

feedmenow - our dd was still born last year. It took us many months until we felt ready to try again and, happily, we're pregnant once more. I know that Sands is a wonderful organisation but I too found it very hard to relate to and have instead dipped in and out of (i.e. lurked on!) MN over the past year.

I can completely identify with your feelings of detachment at the moment. My first pregnancy was a wonderfully happy experience that I sailed through without a single problem. Then suddenly, at full term, our girl was gone from us.

Survival instinct this time I think has necessitated a certain amount of detachment from my pregnancy. I can't imagine making the same kind of plans this time around and we do not talk about the future. Although I can't imagine that the same thing could happen again, I am suddenly aware of everything else that could still go wrong. It seems almost impossible to imagine that a baby will arrive and I can't even begin to let myself imagine what that reality would be like.

So feedmenow, you are most definitely not alone and I will gladly provide company on the long months ahead.

Hello feedmenow - couldn't read your post without answering

My DS2 was stillborn in Dec 07, I'm now 16 weeks preggers again and have to say I'm more scared than I ever was with DS1 and DS2. We lost DS2 at 35 weeks and I think that is going to be my hardest point - when it comes round to the same point in this pregnancy. I'm clutching to the consultants view that what happened to Finn (DS2) was just pure bad luck with no reason and there is very little chance of it happening again.

Congratulations and good luck - feel free to PM me anytime if you want to chat!

Oops x

Pleasecutmygrass, when are you due?

Oops, I'm glad you've come along. I've joined the Jan AN thread and saw on the stats that you'd had a stillbirth, but you don't seem to be on there much. I'm 14 weeks, so due 4th Feb, but have joined Jan cos I'm pretty sure I won't make it(psychologically and emotionally) past 38 weeks.

Has anyone thought in detail about the birth? It seems that people are treated differently up and down the country with regard to birth after stillbirth. From my perspective, they seem happy to go along with what I want/need (within reason?)but I just don't know what will be for the best.

Dd1 was an EMCS and ds was elective. Dd2 was a much wanted vbac (despite the fact we already knew she had gone). So now, do I vbac or do I section? What is really going to be the healthiest and safest option?

Not been on the Jan thread because I can't keep up with it and don't really want to care the first timers with my still birth story!!

DS was a forceps delivery and DS2 was normal with alot of morphine. I was told by my consultant when we went to get Finns post mortum results that our next pregnancy would have three scans one at 12 wks, one at 22 wks and one at 30 wks (only get one at 12 wks normally here), I will have most appointments with consultant instead of midwife and would visit hospital twice a week from 30 weeks for heartbeat monitoring, then they are likely to induce me at 37 weeks since DS1 was 2 weeks early and DS2 was 5 weeks early. Level of care seems so much higher this time but they said it was more for me than for the baby because they don't see the baby being in any danger

Its very hard going though. Feel very detatched (sp) at the moment but like someone said early I think its a survival mechanism so if it happens again then .....

I keep thinking about what I want to do this time round when it comes to the birth and all I keep coming up with is I just want him/her here and alive - I don't care how he/she comes into the world as long as they do it kicking and screaming!

Oops x

sorry that should be scare not care - I do care how the mums on the Jan thread are doing bad mistake to make!!

I knew what you meant ooops!

Hope you don't mind me asking, but did you get anything conclusive from Finn's PM results? Or were you just one of those "unlucky" people (as if unlucky is any real description!)

I don't mind at all - it helps me to talk about it!!

We were one of the "unlucky" people. Post mortum results came back that he was a perfectly healthy boy whose heart just stopped beating and they don't know why. He was a good size as well at 5lb 10 at 5 weeks early! We were in two minds as to how we felt about having no answer. I was (and still am) of the mindset that there has to be a reason for it - his heart wouldn't stop beating for just no reason would it??? Its something that I've not really said to anyone but the one thing that I'm struggling with most. What if there was a reason and they didn't find it with Finn and it happens again? Don't think I could survive it twice

Sorry just read that back and its really not a positive post!!

There is no reason for it to happen again - there really isn't but it doesn't stop your head playing with your heart!

The thought just doesn't bare thinking about does it?

I'm not medical in the slightest, but I don't understand how his heart could have just stopped for no reason. And 5lb 10? He sounds like he would have been a right little bruiser! I really feel for you, having that uncertainty.

In the build up to getting Eris' pm results I prayed that we would get an answer and that it was that she had something wrong with her but nothing hereditary/genetic, etc. I just wanted it to be extreme bad luck that she had developed a condition for absolutely no reason, but something that was a 1:1000000chance - i.e. really not likely to happen again!

Well, we did get an answer but not one of much use. She was deprived of oxygen, most probably from various clots on the placenta. No reason for the clots, just "bad luck". Nothing we can do to stop it happening again, or at least reduce the liklehood.

So similar in a sense to you, in that we have no real reason and no reassurance for this pregnancy. I think that is probably something that i, too, will struggle to accept for the rest of my life

DS1 was 8lb 5 at two weeks early so don't think there will be any little babies coming my way ouch!

The hardest part was explaining to DS1 who is 6 what had happened. He wanted to know what caused his heart to stop and we couldn't give him an answer. Now he very protective over me and always asking how baby is doing and making sure that people don't hug me too hard etc. The first thing he said when we told him I was pregnant again was "well lets hope this babies heart doesn't stop beating like baby Finn's because I don't think granny McAllan could cope with two babies in heaven". I had to just smile at his view of the world

Sorry to gatecrash but just checking in to see how your doing feedmenow!
This must be a real emotional rollercoaster for you.
I hope all you ladies get a happy healthy baby at the end of your pg it must be terribly difficult.

Hi fmn and oops. I'm currently only 10 weeks + 4 (due March 2nd) but have already had an early scan at 9 weeks just to check everything looks ok which, thankfully, it does.

The care I received in my first pregnancy was excellent and I believe the care this time will be even better. My next scan is booked in at 16 weeks with a scan each month from then on. My midwife is incredible, was extremely supportive when we lost Molly and is taking the best care of me again.

Like you ladies, they anticipate inducing me early at 38 weeks which is reassuring as, with my first pregnancy, I was 41 weeks + 6 when Molly's heart stopped beating.

The birth part doesn't really scare me at all - it's just hard to believe I'll get that far. In most ways we are keeping positive but I feel it would be foolish to just expect everything to go to plan this time.

A fast forward button on life would be very much appreciated at this time!

A fast forward button would be amazing

We're getting married in three weeks time so thats keeping my mind occupied at the moment but after the wedding is when i think I'll start to dwell on it more.

Hello all!
I had a stillbirth in my first pregnancy at 26 weeks. No cause found, he just stopped moving.

Since then I have gone on to have ds2 and ds3. DS2's pg was very stressful for me and I ended up with pre-eclampsia and an 'planned' emergency section (i.e. - we are getting your baby out later today) at 35 weeks. DS3's pregnancy was much mroe relaxed but he kicked me hard from early days so did his part to keep me reassured (actually he is now 16 months and hasn't really stopped kicking me )

The one thing I found brilliant when I was pg the second time was a book called Pregnancy After Loss by carol cirulli langham. I would lend it to you but since I borrowed it from my local sands i can't! I read only up to the part I was at (iyswim) and she talked so much sense. I drove people insane (i think) with "well in this book it says..."

I was totally detached from DS2s pregnancy and really rather startled to have a baby at the end of it. Which sounds a bit silly now I have written it down.

AS far as birth plans go - I was always a bit fan of the "wait and see" approach even before all of this. As I said, I had to have a c section with ds2, for ds3 it was much more up to me and in the end I went for an elective section at 38 weeks. I just got really scared about waiting any longer.

Best of luck.

PS didn't go to any rl antenatal things at all. Most of my antenatal advice was from places like this! And a website I helped set up - you can have the address if you want it.

The address would be great please!!

Definately a fan of waiting and seeing how things pan out - nothing I do ever goes to plan anyway

So incredibly reassuring to hear a lovely, positive story! After such a shocking loss I find it almost unbelievable that anyone goes on to have a healthy baby. And when I see families with more than 1 child I just think, 'HOW??!! How did you possibly do that?!'

Thanks growly for reminding us there can be a happy ending.

The group is here BLSG

It is a private group but if you apply, it is me that sorts out the applications, so just mention where you are from and I will remember! We have a separate area for pregnancy after loss and a whole host of graduates from there too!

Hello, I've also been through pregnancy after stillbirth - in my case I lost my little boy at 32 weeks (one of identical twin boys) and I'm now on my second pregnancy after that. We had a post mortem but no cause was found for his death, and his twin brother was born healthy and well. I'm currently 32 weeks (not a good week for me).

I can't say I'll ever find pregnancy an enjoyable experience and so I must admit I tend to avoid ante-natal groups, boards etc - tbh I don't feel I've got much in common with people who haven't experienced a loss! But I learnt the last pregnancy (resulting in another healthy little boy) to take each day as it comes and that has made life a little easier. I still wonder every day what life would've been like with both my little boys, but it wasn't to be, and if I hadn't lost a baby I almost certainly wouldn't have gone on to have the baby I'm expecting now. Its also helped that I've had excellent care from the mws and hospital staff.

Anyway, I do check the pregnancy boards every now and again so I'll keep an eye out for you - if you need anything just shout! And try and be extra kind to yourself - I've learnt that I have to be super-aware of where I am emotionally as well as physically just because pregnancy is such a vulnerable time when you've had a previous loss.

Answering your question FMN sadly I dont think Im finding this pregnancy any easier than last my last one following loosing our little girl( 28weeks)... I actually spent the day sobbing in an AN clinic having a medical but got great sympathy and came out feeling lots of confidence. I suppose we all will have good and bad days. I doesnt help that my sons birth was an em c/s.... but he was worth every worry and gives us so much hope ( and love ) I had a major wobbler once and rung sands and found them really helpful and thought their logo really great on my notes and door while I was giving birth a fantastic idea. Although a midwife popped in a side door to turn my blood pressure monitor off and asked me if I'd 'produced' yet. I didnt know what she was going on about and said 'what do you mean? a poo ?' ' No a baby'. i said 'oh, eh, no not yet'. off she went and came back the next morning mortified, apologising all over the place as she didnt know my circumstances. I didnt mind, she wasnt to know, I felt really sorry for her actually, me apologising for not clicking as to what she meant. I should have had a sticker on the side door!

Not coming on here with any experience or anything to offer except my support and best wishes.

A friend lost a baby at 37 weeks (my son has the same name so it feels strangely connected) and her next pregnancy was so not fun. The only good thing about it was the healthy baby at the end of it. In the end she had weekly scans for her sanity.

No idea how you are feeling, but i pray that the weeks fly by and that it will end well.

Growly, yes it isd nice to hear a "happy ending". think I'll consider getting that book too.

Oops, what your ds1 said is so lovely. I have dd1 (9) and ds (6) and they are so aware of everything. They haven't talked about what if this one goes wrong too but I can just see in their eyes that they are that little bit more aware - horrible that children so young should have had to experience this. Dd1 had a good cry last night about eris and abo0ut "why us?". I had a missed mc in January last year and the children had been at the scan when we found out. And then we lost Eris. Dd1 feels it is very unfaitr on us that we have lost 2 babies

But ds this mornign was giving me a hug and he started saying "Hellooooo in there" to my tummy! Made me chuckle!

Hi Lily - thanks for the drop-in! I'm doing OK (quite standard answer I'm afraid!). Good days, bad days, you know.

Greenlawn, hope you don't mind me asking but how does it work to lose one twin and for the other to be healthy and well? Were they both born at 32 weeks? The reason I ask is because my dp was one of triplets, one of whom died around the 20 week mark. But their mum had to carry all 3 of them to term (or as close as she got) because otherwise it would have put the other 2 at risk. Now obviously this was some time ago!! But it must have been awful for her knowing that. And I was wondering whether they still do the same now?

Madmouse, thanks for the thoughts. I'll second the weeks flying by please!

Beanie - can't believe you asked if she meant had you had a poo!!! Any idea on delivery this time?

Hi feedmenow, yes I'm afraid the same happened to me as your dp's mum. We went for a scan at 32w and were told one baby had died, and then that there was a 50% chance the other baby would die or be brain damaged. The other possibility was that both babies had a congenital abnormality which had caused one of them to die. They offered a termination, or a 10 day wait for an mri to assess whether there was any brain damage, so I opted for the mri which then gave us hope that at least there was no apparent brain damage to the survivor.

By then it was 34 weeks, and our "only" worry was the congenital abnormality issue which there was no way of testing for - so we waited another 2 weeks till they thought the survivor was strong enough and then both were born by cs. And my survivor is now a healthy happy 5 year old boy! Some very minor issues over the years due to lack of growth in the womb, but we count ourselves as very lucky.

We have some lovely pictures of the two babies together - we were very lucky that the twin who died was still in a reasonable condition, he just looks smaller and a bit more premature in the pictures - and we've always been honest with ds1 about the situation.

But I second what you said about how sad it is for siblings. We've always told him his brother was very poorly and that the drs tried to save him but he was too sick - and now he's started to ask what if the same happened to this baby? I wish we had answers too - but the pm came back clear. Some mistakes were also made by the original hospital meant to be monitoring the twins and that has been very hard to accept, but nothing will bring him back.

I didn't enjoy the next pregnancy at all, I expected the worst and then went into complete denial when I was presented with another healthy boy! It helped for me to have a completely different experience too - I had a full term vbac. This pregnancy, I've finally given myself permission to try and enjoy stupid things like buying maternity clothes - and even moaning about morning sickness or tiredness! - and I'd say so far its been easier. Day to day - its the only way to get through it.

All the best.