Anyone else's DH/DP not taking time off when they have their baby?

[BorgLady]

My DP works for a small firm where his input is pretty essential, and his employers have been good to him over the years, so I understood when he didn't want to take proper Paternity Leave. He saved holiday for when the baby is born instead, but only a week, so he wouldn't be out too long. He was also planning to stay at work while I was in hospital and just visit after work.

Perhaps I should have found out sooner, but silly me assumed he would be taking his week straight after the baby arrives, so that he can bring us home and we can spend our first week together as a family.

Now I have gone overdue and am due to be induced on Friday. He has managed to get Friday off (but didn't ask for this until yesterday) but he has just said "I don't know when I'll be able to take my holiday"

I was REALLY surprised and I am now very worried about being alone with our new baby next week. It's our first, and to say that it's a bit daunting would be an understatement.

Added to which, if I have a cs or a ton of stitches or something, I'm really going to struggle. I'm sure if I ask my mum, she would take time off and come and help me out but I really don't want it to be that way.

I want a babymoon! I want us to be a family and to have our first week together getting to know our baby. Most people get two weeks and it was bad enough that we were only getting one.

I wanted us to muddle through together and learn feeding and nappies and all that stuff together and now I'll be a week ahead with it all. It probably won't matter in the long run, but I can't help feeling really really disappointed.

Has anyone else had this situation? Should I be really upset and angry and have a row about it?

TIA

Just from another point of view...
if this turns into a series of arguments/heated conversations in which he continually gets upset (regardless of the reason), then I would be worried that the week or two that he does end up taking off could result in resentment on his part. You want the time that he is home to be a happy time with you and the baby...
I might be just way off base here.. I'm only 28 weeks with first baby, so I have VERY LITTLE IDEA of how exactly the baby will change our lives (although I know it will be a lot) and who knows? Once baby is born, maybe the "hard feelings" of things like that from before the birth just go away - I can't say for sure, but you do want to make sure that any time he does get to spend at home with you is happy and quality

This is my second time around, and our priority isn't that we'll be happy, but that I won't make myself ill again, through doing too much! It seems to be surprisingly common in MNers. We're obviously a hard-core lot.

oh starlightmckenzie.... that last line just made me CRY!!! Damn pregnancy hormones!!! You are so right!

My DH took 3 days off, DD was born on friday night, he was back at work on the thursday. H works for a small firm, and decided as a manager he "couldn't take paternity leave, as the rest of the staff might think it was ok for them to take it too". .

Barring a disaster, you'll survive. Unless he's amazing, I expect you'll prefer to be on your own if he's going to grump about it. Better to be on your own, than to have him stressed.

IME Dads like looking at newborns, but they are so absolutely terrified of them, that they don't really know what to do. DH took 10 months to get his head round DD - although he was fab with the PFB DS.

Don't row about it, you have the rest of your lives together to love your baby . if you do have a CS, I expect he'll pull his finger out and be great.

good luck. enjoy your baby when s/he arrives.

I was certainly booted out before I was ready, and the early days weren't about DH looking after DD, they were about DH looking after me. I had been in early labour for 3 days, active labour for 14 hours, second stage for 4.5 hours, I lost a lot of blood, my bits were really mangled so it was difficult to sit, stand or walk (note to first timers - I was unlucky, not all first births are like this!).
I think that almost all interested DHs/DPs learn the whole holding and nappy-changing thing at some point, that isn't so necessary.

I think that it would be ok for him to not take any leave only if you were 100% happy with that too.
You obviously arent, and I know that I wouldnt be either.

It would be a different matter if he couldnt take time off, but it sounds as though he can but doesnt want to leave his work struggling without him.

Its a horrible position for you both to be in.

If it was me I think what I would do is send him an email today while he is at work and say something like this...

'First of all I am sorry we argued about you taking time off. I understand that you are in a difficult position.
I thought it would be a good idea to put my thoughts in writing so that I can say what I really feel without getting upset and emotional.
You taking the week off immediately after the baby is born is very very important to me. It came as quite a shock to realise that you had not planned to take your leave immediately and that is why I acted with such surprise.
I understand that your work will find it hard without you there and may struggle. However in that first week I will also find it incredibly hard without you there and will struggle as well.
Although its a tough choice for you, it basically comes down to you deciding who you would rather leave in lurch - your work struggling or me struggling and upset.
At the end of the day which would you rather look back on in the future? Being at home for the first week of your baby's life and ensuring your wife is supported and happy or being at work the first week of your baby's life and ensuring your boss is happy?'

Sorry so long winded! It has reALLY STRUCK A CHORD WITH ME (sorry caps) as I can so imagine my dh doing something similar and honestly not realising properly how thoughtless he was being until I pointed it out rationally. I know my dh would see my point if i sent that email whereas he wouldnt if i argued with him and got upset in person iyswim.

Good luck for Friday x

startlight - I know.... i was half waiting for him to comment that women get too much maternity leave or something.

Mind you, this is coming from the man whose first comment when |I was in hospital about to havemy appendix out (at 11 weeks pg) was "well whaht do I do with DS? I've got to go to work".

he didn't come and see me before my op, despite the risks of losing the baby. and didn't see me til 24 hrs later. baby was fine, and is now 11 months old!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and messages. DP is a mechanic, so it's not possible for him to work from home, though I could suggest about the on-call idea. The problem is that his boss is quite old and not in the best of health, so DP does a lot of the work as there is only the two of them. DP has worked there since he was an apprentice and his boss has been very good to him over the years, treating him almost as a son.

I am pleased that my DP is a caring and responsible bloke, it's one of the reasons I fell for him, but I do agree that I don't think he truly realises how much the baby will change our lives. I don't suppose anyone does with their first really!

I've had such a rubbish pregnancy I can't believe that fate will be kind and let me physically recover from the birth quickly, and I'm finding the prospect of a new baby naturally quite daunting as it is!

I'm hoping that when DP speaks with his boss today, everything will go smoothly and he will say "Of course, didn't expect you to do anything else!"

Fingers crossed for me!

Leonie- you have drawn a tough lot.

if he has annual leave owing, if it is within his accumulated allowance for this a/l year, he should still be paid it. I;m not expert on redundancy, but worth asking the CAB. it might at least allow him to be with you after the baby is born. Does he have family near?

other mnetters may know more than me.
good luck.

Hope it goes well, but just to add my DP went back to work he day after our first child was born. It was a new job so no leave and plus we just couldn't afford for him to be off.

I personally found it fine, I was on my own right from the off so I never got used to having someone around. I can imagine it's very hard to wave him off to work after 2 weeks of help.

You can still have your baby moon. I have amazing memories of those early days with DD1, just me and her all on our own with no interruptions, I know this wouldn't suit everybody but I found it a wonderful time to get to know my baby so well.

Borg Lady, I think your DH is in denial about huge changes this baby is going to make to both your lives.

Spending time with your newborn is a one time only opprotunity, he/she will be grown up forever after. In the grand scheme of life his job will be there waiting for him (we're only talking about two weeks here not a 6 month sabatical) babies are only tiny for the blink of an eye and you are going to need the physical and emotional support.

My DH is a self-employed mechanic who works alone (nobody else to open up for him in his absence). He couldn't take two full weeks off but worked short weeks for 6-7 weeks instead. Also, being self-employed he wasn't able to claim any paternity pay.

Hi BorgLady

Sorry that you're in this difficult situation. I'm expecting my first and I'm lucky that my DH's firm are very supportive of his need/want to take paternity leave. I think I would find it very distressing if that were not the case.

I haven't read your whole thread in detail so, sorry if this has already been covered, but do you know if your DH feels that it would be unreasonable to take the leave to which he is entitled so hasn't really pushed for it OR if he has discussed with his boss who has asked him not to take the leave?

I just wonder if his sense of duty is preventing him from feeling able to take the time rather than the firm actively discouraging it.

Have you asked him how he feels about the first few days. Perhaps he is a nervous about it and feels that he will cope better being at work - this might be about other stuff.

He sounds like a very loyal person and may be feeling confused about his responsibilities as an employee and a DH who will provide for you financially. Maybe he doesn't realise that at this point in time you need his emotional and practical support as a priority. He may not yet realise that he is likely to regret missing out on those first few days. If he's anything like my DH it takes a while for him to get his head around conflicting emotional situations but usually gets there in the end.

I'm getting a bit pop-psychology here so I'll stop now!

Hope it all works out for you and that your induction goes well tomorrow.

borglady, what happens if your DH want to take a holiday? his boss would have to sort something out then

and totally agree with all the great words of wisdom you have had

I can understand both points of view here. And lets not forget that employers are entitled to 28 days' notice of any leave, including paternity leave... You're supposed to book paternity leave, but most employers just assume you'll want it directly after the birth and allow flexibility (given that babies rarely come on their due date).

Perhaps everyone could be a bit flexible in this situation? DH tells boss he'll be off the day after you come home from hospital, then asks to take as many full days as he can after that for a couple of weeks, but goes in mornings/ afternoons or whatever when really needed.

My DH works in a small team, where everyone has to take the strain when anyone takes any kind of leave. He's taking a week's paternity leave, but may have to go in some days for a few hours.

bl, hopefully your all nice and relaxed and gettig ready for tomorrow.
best luck in the world to you.
i will be thiking of you tomorrow.
please let us know all about your lovely newbaby.
you are so lucky, the 1st time you get to see and hold your baby is the best feeling in the world.
enjoy it xx
oh ad the smell of the newbaby ahhh heavenly xx

i hope this works out for you, and best wishes for your induction. it's a cliche but what is DH going to remember 20 years from now - that he was there for you and his child at the beginning of becoming a family, or that he helped the business run smoothly for one week?

Thank you everyone!

My DP has come home with it all sorted. His boss was of course very understanding, and he has the whole of next week off, so that's something.

I hope all goes smoothly and quickly so that we can spend as much of that week as possible with the baby!

Thanks to everyone for your support and best wishes. Can't wait to meet our little man.

I'm sure I'll be on soon showing him off.

Thanks again!

horray!!!

im so pleased for you.
good on your dh, and well done for you both sorting it out.
bodes v well for future happiness

Wonderful news , good luck for today...how exciting

Hi BorgLady, just wondering how you are? and how it all went, been thinking about you and haven't seen you on here.
hope last friday went really well

xx