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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How can I get my DH to support my Birth choice 2nd time round...

38 replies

LullyMummaOfOne · 08/07/2008 13:02

With my DS I had an epidural at 4cm dilated as I was dilating quite slowly and the pain was horrific. However this did have bad sife effects as i lost all control of my water works, i couldnt pee for 3 weeks unless i used a catherter. This was a very bad experience as my bladder nearly burst and ended up staying in hospital for 4 days. All of this has been confirmed as a result of having the epidural.

So... now im pregnant with DC2 (only 7 weeks) but am thinking about the birth already. I really dont want to have an epidural again because of what happened before, however my DH is not being bery supportive of my decision. He thinks i should be open minded and if im in too much pain then have an epidural. Surely if im againts in from the start then he should back my choice and support me thoughout the whole thing. I know for a fact that i will need him to remind me of my choices when im in pain but his attitude is 'as long as this baby comes out safely and you dont have any problems then what does it matter'.

I know i have a long way to go before this baby arrives but how can i get him to support my decision, i really dont want to go though what i did before!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheHedgeWitch · 08/07/2008 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Spidermama · 08/07/2008 13:57

Absolutely he should back you. There's no question whatsoever. Your body, your birth. I wouldn't even consider DHs wishes. If they were totally at odds with mine he'd better make sure he steers clear.

for you. How dare he.

bruxeur · 08/07/2008 13:59

Spidermama, have you actually read the thread?

lulumama · 08/07/2008 14:03

does he fully understand that having an epidural could lead to serious issues for you again?might he have forgotten how bad things were for you:? a gentle reminder might help.

of course it is your decision whether to have another epidural or not, it might be a good idea to talk about other pain relief options for the birth. perhaps a doula to support you both would be a help?

in all likelihood, your second labour will be faster and you will cope better and probably won;t even need to consider an epidural.

Spidermama · 08/07/2008 14:05

Brux yes I have. Why do you ask?

bruxeur · 08/07/2008 14:06

Never mind.

*backs away slowly

Original poster

LullyMummaOfOne · 08/07/2008 14:10

Thansk Spidermama, i just fell that if he is behind me 100% and reminds me why i dont want one then the chances of me breathing though it are more high,
Other pain relief will be considered closer to the time. Im just concerned that if i have the same experience then my DS will suffer as i will be completly usless for the first 3 weeks and that not fair on a new born and 2 yr old.

Lulumana, im hoping this one will be quicker as the last was 14 hours!

OP posts:

Original poster

LullyMummaOfOne · 08/07/2008 14:11

Bruxeur is there someting you need me to clarify about my thread?

OP posts:

lulumama · 08/07/2008 14:12

if you are unsure he can offer you the level of support you need then definitely look inot a doula. 14 hours is not bad for a first birth ! you have lots of time to get sorted and get things clear in your heads about what you need

SoupDragon · 08/07/2008 14:13

I think pain relief is one of the things that the father should keep his nose out of.

FWIW, I've had 3 births with just gas & air (the 1st was a 10lb OP baby) so it is doable

OTOH, your DH is right that you shouldn't rule anything out.

bruxeur · 08/07/2008 14:14

No, OP, just the amusingly strident and slightly misdirected reply from spidermama...

TheHedgeWitch · 08/07/2008 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 08/07/2008 14:16

actually , i can see why spidermama would feel angry on the OPs behalf

as effectively, the DH is forgetting about the pain and the problems that the OP had due to the epidural and telling her to keep an open mind.. if i had that problem after an epidural, i would not want to keep an open mind, my mind would be fairly closed, due to the problems.

bruxeur · 08/07/2008 14:17

Lulumama- the op reports no pain due to the epidural. Where did you get that from?

EffiePerine · 08/07/2008 14:20

It is a good idea to keep your options open though - if for eg you wrote 'NO epidural under any circs' in your birth plan I think they would have to follow this even if you were begging for one (though experts may correct me on this!)

I'd talk it over with your DH and the mw and agree a plan where an epidural was absolutely the last option.

Pruners · 08/07/2008 14:20

Message withdrawn

DarrellRivers · 08/07/2008 14:20

well it might might have been painful when her bladder nearly burst or when she had to use a catheter to wee
not 100% sure though......
brux, are you self-appointed monitor to the thread?

foxythesnowfox · 08/07/2008 14:21

There's so many other ways of managing the pain to try. I found (much to my surprise) hypnotherapy really effective (I used an NCT CD - very basic, very relaxing, very straightforward). TENS, water, massage, visualisation (yeh, I know, sounds a bit lentil-weavery, but it helped me!). I think you can overcome a lot of the pain in your head IYSWIM before medical intervention.

But, don't forget you may want to retain the epidural as an option - so perhaps if your approach is 'won't rule it out, but there are lots of other things to try'.

I certainly found the pain more managable in my subsequent births, and each birth was progressively faster (despite the babies being progressively bigger!)

Good luck, you have plenty of time to research and explore so many options.

lulumama · 08/07/2008 14:21

the pain of retained urine and then having a catheter

gawds sake

EffiePerine · 08/07/2008 14:23

Thing is, he isn't being unreasonable. He isn't saying 'you MUST have an epidural', only 'if the pain gets too bad you might need to have one again'. It sounds like your feelings about your first birht (and those pg hormones) are making you upset about the thought of having another bad experience. Can you contact your hospital to go over your notes? You have plenty f time to research other ways of helping you towards a better experience this time round, and plenty of time to bring your DH round to your way of thinking

lulumama · 08/07/2008 14:24

but, if you all problems due to an epidural, would you want your birth partner to say ' never mind, you can have another one if you need it?' i think taht is the point, certainly , how i would interpret it if it were my DH

bruxeur · 08/07/2008 14:24

Not at all Darrell!

Just interested, is all. Mainly in how little people actually seem to read posts here - just skim for words and then .

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 08/07/2008 14:24

at least he's more of the "keep an open mind", maybe he's worried that he will insist on the wrong thing if at the time you start asking him for one and he lets you and you go through the same sort of trauma?

I would say it's still early enough to have plenty of time to convince him - even try my failsafe plan of making him think you agree with him the turning him round to your original idea but he thinks it is his idea not yours...tell him you definately want to be open minded and the most important thing is the safety of your child....if that safety is being questioned then of course you will have one. You don't however want to put your own comfort before the baby's (ie getting painrelief that may result in you finding it difficult to look after the baby once it's born) so you need him to make sure he double and triple checkes that definately what you want if you end up asking for one - and make sure nobody offers you one.

makes it sound like you're going with his suggestion.....all about manipulation....

Original poster

LullyMummaOfOne · 08/07/2008 14:25

It was very painful and the whole experience has left me scared. Not only was it very unpleasent using a catheter myself after being stitched but having my bladder nearly burst because it was holding over 2lt of urine that could not be passed, now this was bloody painful!

Effie- i know for a fact that DH would not consider another birth partner, he wants to be there 100% and feel very strongly that is a moment that only me & him should share. I had this with DS as i wanted my mum there also be he didnt!

Anyway talking is the best way to resolve things, maybe i need to get my notes out from before to remind him of how it was after the birth! thanks for your advice

OP posts:

JoyS · 08/07/2008 14:25

Could you perhaps speak to your midwife or consultant about this? Get as much info as you can on why the epidural went wrong last time and how likely it is for the same thing to happen. If you have the midwife or ob on your side, you could have her speak to your DH about the risks of having another one. I always find that my DH is supportive of my choices when he has facts to go on. Maybe a hypnobirthing class or similar would help him, too.

I do think he should support you without any work on your part! You're the one having the baby, not him.

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