How can I get my DH to support my Birth choice 2nd time round...

[LullyMummaOfOne]

With my DS I had an epidural at 4cm dilated as I was dilating quite slowly and the pain was horrific. However this did have bad sife effects as i lost all control of my water works, i couldnt pee for 3 weeks unless i used a catherter. This was a very bad experience as my bladder nearly burst and ended up staying in hospital for 4 days. All of this has been confirmed as a result of having the epidural.

So... now im pregnant with DC2 (only 7 weeks) but am thinking about the birth already. I really dont want to have an epidural again because of what happened before, however my DH is not being bery supportive of my decision. He thinks i should be open minded and if im in too much pain then have an epidural. Surely if im againts in from the start then he should back my choice and support me thoughout the whole thing. I know for a fact that i will need him to remind me of my choices when im in pain but his attitude is 'as long as this baby comes out safely and you dont have any problems then what does it matter'.

I know i have a long way to go before this baby arrives but how can i get him to support my decision, i really dont want to go though what i did before!

i read the OP and responded accordingly, bruxeur. i don;t do default responses.

I have th oppsite proble, I don;t think DS's birth was too bad (considering some of the stories I've heard) but DH's recollection is 'no-one knew what was happening, he NEARLY DIED' (cord round neck) so despite the quick labour and no pain relief would be against me having a home birth, for example. Strange how two people's experiences of the same event can differ. Maybe he didn't realise how much pain and distress you were in afterwards?

agree (unfortunately) about the manipulation. The issue isn't what pain relief, but how to get your DH to accept your choices.

So from his point of view, he saw you in labour awful pain and the epidural fixed that. Therefore, birth + epidural = good.

His experience of your pain during the following period was probably not as intense (given he would not have experienced it with you) so he doesn't 'get' the severity of what the epidural did to you.

I'm not making excuses at all for him, just trying to explore it through his eyes. Although I'm probably rambling and spouting nonsense.

If it were me, I'd do all my research, get my facts and notes, as suggested, and then sit down and go through it.

But I'd have made my decision by myself already

ah foxy....who knew we'd all get so good at getting our own ways? Over last weekend I managed o get DH to go from not even bothering to read any research on home births to signing up to antenatal classes specifically about it so we can find out more

sometimes it just has to be done and I personally think th line "sorry darling but it's not your body, it's mine" is a bit harsh when at the end of the day they really do want the best for us....much better getting them to research with you and feel like you've made the decision together rather than you've just out your foot down (another reason I think it's a bit mean to immediately say get another birth partner!)

that sounds like a horrendous experience OP - I had an epidural years ago because I was in labour for four days and had no problems at all. If anything like what you experienced had happened to me I would never consider having one again and would expect my OH to fully support that! Having an edipural or not having one is not something that affects the safety of the baby - its about pain relief so you should be allowed to decide for yourself.

I imagine that even if you are in agony when the time comes you will have the previous problems in your mind so at that point it will be a matter of your judgement which is the lesser evil. No -one can force you to have ne surely?

Message withdrawn

But all you have to do is decide you don't want one surely? I mean, assuming you are conscious, I don't imagine anyone will be listening to the opinion of your DH during the birth and I can't imagine that he would stand next to you demanding you have an epidural?

Are you sure that maybe he just doesn't understand the ins and outs of what you are saying and what goes on?

Starlight is right. It's all very well being a strong woman who knows her mind etc. etc. but if you have a long labour then there comes a point when you are completely exhausted, and that's when it's really important that your birth partner is 100% on your side. Because with the best will in the world, you can't have the same mental resources as a pushy medical professional.

I wish that my DH could talk to your DH, Lully. He didn't fight my corner last time, and feels great regret about it. This time around, he is determined to make sure that I get what I want and would point out to your DH that if you go through the same complications again that he will have to live with you in pain for 3 weeks, knowing that it was partly his fault for not supporting you when things got rough.

Fair enough, he should support her no matter what she asks, yes, but I do think that maybe he just doesn't understand what she means, what having an epidural means and the wide variety of options available during birth. I certainly didn't first time round, and her DH will never experience it firsthand.
I think that to a lot of men, it can seem to be as simple as "in pain, have epidural, not in pain - don't, let's just wait and see" and they don't think that there can be anything more to it than that.
I do apologise though, of course she needs the support of her DH.

Have you considered a homebirth which would make the epidural a non-issue?

I don't think you should rule anything out but definitely put epidural at the bottom of the list.

Stay home as long as possible, before going to the hospital (if that's where you choose to give birth)

Have you thought about a water birth?

Hi MKG, a home birth is not practical and not really something that i would consider. I know home births are becoming more popular but i honestly wouldnt feel safe at home just in case someting went wrong.
Yes a water birth is something i would like to try, i wanted this before but there is only one birthing pool at my hospital and it was already in use. I will have this at the top of my list for birth options.

I am going to wait until i have my scan and MW opt then i will discuss my concerns. Once i have a clearer pitcture of pregnancy i will then speak with my DH to help him understanf.

Thanks for all your advice