Messy situation

[Lucyloop99]

Hi.
I did post before about this and the comments were very much get rid , abort , leave him.
Yes I had the abortion booked. But cancelled it because I just couldn't go through with it and the dad didnt want me to.

Im now 9 weeks pregnant.

Back story, ive spent 2 years with a man who's gone between me and his ex of 20 years.
They've had a turbulent relationship during that time. Constantly arguing. Fighting. Breaking up. Getting back together. Then the cycle happens again.

Hes just not that committed to anyone. He goes with whats easiest and what suits him at the time.

So 2 years with this man, february to may we split and he went back to his ex , got her pregnant. She's due in january. She's not let him at scans. Ruined rhe gender reveal by screaming it's a girl in his face during an argument.

Then things went wrong, and he came back to me, got me pregnant.

Told me he didnt really want the baby with her. He's excited for the baby with me. It would be so special. We've a much greater bond than he has with his ex.
When I first found out , he was happy, 3 days later, not selling up where he lives. He chooses her.
Then they fell out, and
Weve spent two weeks being happy about the baby, now hes back to I cant do this. I cant please everyone. I cant support everyone.
She's been on the phone to him tonight crying , and hes now again changing his mind on me and the baby, again.
I'll block you for a few weeks, I need a break ... ive done nothing to warrant being blocked!

I just can't bear myself to abort. But im also gutted im potentially in this on my own.
I feel like ill have lost in a way, if I abort and go no contact.
I dont see why her baby should live, and mine has to die because its inconvenient or becsuse im.not as far on as she is.
Also to add, she did actuallyabort his baby 4 years ago, behind his back, which hes never forgiven her for .
Just ranting I suppose.

Its so easy for strangers to say, just get rid and move on.. its not so easy when youre living it.

If you choose to keep this baby. Do it alone, I can only imagine the hell he’d bring your baby.

Can you support yourself and give the baby a loving, warm, safe home.

You definitely need to step away from this man, he’s only bringing you down.

Sounds ridiculous.
I think I’d end the pregnancy, the relationship and all contact forever. And focus on finding some peace and perhaps a more stable, suitable partner in the future to start a happy family with.

If you want your baby just expect to bring it up alone. The father is flaky and not to be relied upon. Stop talking him back. He will never make you happy and will be a shit Dad.

I would keep the baby and dump the flaky bf. He's done nothing but give you the run around. Time to look after yourself and the little one.
You got this 🙏💐❤️

A baby does not deserve to brought into this shit show of a life, no matter how much you want it

I can give a baby everything physically and financially.
I worry that I won't cope emotionally.
I already have two children. 6 and 8.
I have no family , fallen out mainly due to his behaviour towards me, and things have been said that's gone too far for me to forgive.
My opinion is that I am 37 years old and even if I am in a situation they don't agree with, its my life, my choice.

Why on earth have you allowed this man to do this to you for so long? Leave them to it. He doesn’t care about you or her or either baby. He cares about himself and whatever works best for him at the time.

Separate the man from the baby. If you can do it alone then do it, but either way you need him out of your life.

Your poor children having to live in this shit show.

OP, of course you’ll cope emotionally - you’ve done it before with your previous children. What you don’t need is this man in your life, so draw the line, resign yourself to having this baby alone, and plan how you’re going to make it all work. It’s possible that if you tell your family he’s history, they might regard you more kindly - clearly he’s a bad lot who has done you less than no favours. If you could move away so he doesn’t know where you are, so much the better, but for now, block and delete. You and his ex are both letting him have his cake and eat it, so tell him to sling his hook and mean it.

Keep the baby and whatever happens with him happens.. don’t make decisions based on him

Thats where lies a problem with the family.
They've haven't just been concerned and worried. They've been savage with me.

Even to the point my mums threatened to call ss on me , for encouraging independence with the children, because i don't molly cuddle them, and i will not do absolutely everytbing for them.

I don't parent the same as she did, therefore im doing it wrong !

What does encouraging independence entail in this context?

And why have you let this man treat you like garbage for two years? I see multiple people asking, but you don’t appear to have answered.

Even to the point my mums threatened to call ss on me , for encouraging independence with the children, because i don't molly cuddle them, and i will not do absolutely everytbing for them.

They’re 6 and 8, they need a bit of molly coddling and most things doing for them don’t they? Not to mention they have been living with you playing the pick me dance since they were 4 and 6.

You need to let this man go and focus on your children. Have this baby if it’s really what you want but don’t do it to be in competition with this other woman.

I also don’t really like the way you say “he got you pregnant”. Contraception was just as much your responsibility as his. Arguably more your responsibility as you’re the one literally left holding the baby.

I already have two children. 6 and 8

Hang on, has this guy been coming and going and all of this three ring circus happening in your children’s lives, or is it that he hasn’t been introduced to your kids as a flaky live in boyfriend but sees you when they are at their dad’s? This is putting a whole new layer on that didn’t exist in your original posts, If your kids have been exposed to any of this ridiculous behaviour, your family should have been trying to have them removed from such an unhealthy situation.

He lives an hour away, he's here on his days off and some weekends. He's not here 24-7 then completely gone no.

I do do everything for my children, I get no help. I hVe no village.
I do expect rhem to get dressed for school independently, some mornings, I think they are capable of making themselves a bowl of cereal. I do expect them to keep their room tidy etc.

As you struggle to keep this man out of your life, I wouldn’t keep the baby. You will be forever tied to him and he will always use the baby as an excuse to be in and out of your life.

Think about the children you have and how hard this is for them. They don’t need this turmoil. They need stability and peace in their home.

End the pregnancy, cut him off and heal yourself physically and emotionally before you date again.

It does sound like your family are very concerned about you and your relationship with this man. I think you need to listen to what they have to say. They don’t want to see you being treated so badly.

This man has provided you with zero evidence that this chaos will ever end. Is this how you want the rest of your life to play out? Put an end to the madness, for goodness sake. Your family are probably at their absolute wits end, given everything you’ve described. Staying with this man is a deeply unhealthy choice for you and your children that will see this cycle go on forever. Choose peace.

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, I'd strongly suggest, you don't continue a relationship with this man. The situation is toxic. Your family are obviously worried for you. Only you, can make this decision. Only you, will know if the decision is the correct one. Please think carefully, and weigh everything up. Are you really prepared to do this alone? Are you financially able to support your child? Can you separate yourself from the man, because he's not at all committed to a full time relationship with you, by the sounds of it.

You need to work on your self esteem. This man doesn't love you. He enjoys watching you both suffer and 'fight' over him.

OP why is what the guy thinks any part of what you're thinking about right now? Him not wanting you to abort is irrelevant. His never forgiving his other girlfriend for aborting is irrelevant. You should not be giving a second of your thought process to this man. He isn't worthy of being a father. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you need to cut him off as he will be really bad for the child.

And while it's not surprising you feel upset at the situation, you need to stop feeling like it's unfair. there is nothing about this situation that wasn't totally predictable - you haven't been hoodwinked here. He's clearly been a train wreck since the beginning and you've stayed in a relationship with him, kept having sex with him, etc. You need to take control and accept that you're in this situation because of your choices and you're going to have to make some hard ones now to stop this being a mess for you AND a child.

You're old enough to know better. Obviously it is easy to say abort and cut him out of your life, but I'm sure you do actually know this is what a wise person would do. I doubt you will enhance your children's lives by making any other choice.

I would just be so worried about what kind of father he is going to be to your baby (and hers), all this ridiculous hot and cold, cutting off, never knowing where you stand, keeping you both dangling. Can you imagine what that kind of inconsistency would do to a child? I’d also be worried that you are no strong enough where he’s concerned to tell him to do one. I think you might continue to come running/be there whenever he clicks his fingers. And that maybe you want to go ahead with the pregnancy because you think it will keep him and otherwise his ex will have a link with him you don’t have. If you do have the baby, just please make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and are to be able to put your child first.

If it was just you I’d say crack on living in chaos and see how things go but as you’ve got two children already I have to say I think you’re wildly irresponsible to be engaging in this soap opera. Have the baby if you can support yourself and 3 children but for goodness sake block the absolute loser and focus on your children and not the embarrassing drama. The other woman and her pregnancy are none of your business.

You're essentially the OW. I'm sorry to say that because this is a delicate time but you need a reality check. He will always chose her and you are there to fill a gap for the times she doesn't want him. Cut him out of your life. Stop taking him back. If you want the baby keep the baby but don't let them grow up watching their mum being used and disrespected whilst their dad is in and out of their life.