AIBU to think I can have a baby with no additional support network

[Filmlover1]

My husband and I live about 2 hours from my closest relatives and 3 hours away from both of our parents. We want to start TTC early next year, but I am worried about the lack of support for me when I am on maternity leave. I know my parents and in-laws will come and stay the odd weekend, but is that enough? I am likely to be off for closer to a year, and I worry about being alone postpartum. Am I being silly to think I can do mat leave on my own? My husband will be working from home some days, but could be staying away the odd night for work, and then after this, are we being silly to have no wrap-around care? We will have to pay for it. We could maybe move, but curious what other people recommend.

Wraparound care is to cover the gaps around school whilst you work. You don’t need that if you are on Mat leave!

No, I am able. I have a sister-in-law who has both her parents/in laws and siblings to help her - she only works part-time and says it's not enough. Thats why I did a post to check.

Yes, and he is incredibly supportive. Obviously, my husband will be at work when I am on Mat leave, so he can't support..

I have done this. It will be ok in terms of day to day, week to week managing. We did find it tricky not having family available to babysit. But the big difficulty was people expecting to come and stay for a weekend/week/fortnight and causing a lot of extra work - getting house ready, shopping, hosting when they actually arrived, needing to be on best behaviour during their stay, clearing up when they left.

What 'support' do you need? I literally don't get it. Your job while your husband is at work is to look after one very small and immobile person. It is challenging, a big change, etc but is as normal and everyday occurence as I can think of. You just get up, get on with it and get into a good routine. I had a crap enough (ex)husband and still it was fine, enjoyable even.

I don’t think it’s massively important to have parents nearby but I do think it’s important to really think about what support you do have, your ability to pay for that support, the availability of that support in your area, what flexibility your jobs offer to help with that.

Not just for maternity leave, which is a short space in time in the grand scheme of parenthood, but for life with a child in general. Maternity leave in some ways is the easy bit socially because there tend to be lots of baby classes so you can make friends, spend your time around other parents etc there. Nursery can be easy-ish (although expensive) because they have much longer opening hours so dropping off at 7:30am and picking up at 6pm is doable.

Where we live nurseries are hugely oversubscribed with big waiting lists so something to look at, but the bigger issue is that at least here school breakfast & after school clubs are becoming either none existent or inaccessible, the ones that do still run have got waiting lists that are literally years long. My niece and nephew have both been on waiting list for breakfast club since they started reception, now in Year 3 & Year 5 and still no places available for them despite obviously years worth of children leaving over that time. My godson at a different school has only now in Year 2 been able to get a place for after school club. So worth scoping out what options would be if you found yourself in this situation.

It is worth thinking about your support generally though. I have been very lucky in both of my pregnancies and postpartum period’s not to have suffered with my mental health, that is not the case for lots of women though sadly. If you are one of those who suffers with PPD/PPA, you do need
support and if that can’t be family then hopefully you have friends who can provide that. Two of my best friends suffered terribly with PND and I truly dread to think about how they would have managed if they had been isolated with no family or friends to support them through what was ultimately a terrible time.

Of course, this is the norm you'll be fine. A lot of the support you need doesn't need to be physical during mat leave, your DH will support financially, when he's not at work, with moral support, being there for emergencies etc so he will still support you on mat leave. The same for more distant relatives. My only family live abroad but they still supported me during mat leave through advice, phone calls, video calls. You then have all the support around you of your community; the GP, the health visitor, the pharmacy, the hospital, don't underestimate how useful they are when you need them. I found the GP to be completely different once I had a newborn, much more helpful. Surprising places become sources of support, I was amazed how important to me the local library became but they ran a wonderful baby group and held a drop breastfeeding clinic there and had baby toys so you could you go there for a change of scenery. There are then all the things you can pay for like nannies, babysitters, nursery, baby massage courses, post natal support groups, baby activity groups. There is a huge amount of support out there. Usually your health visitor gives you a big pack of local sources of support at your antenatal visit or shortly after you give birth but if you start googling you can reassure yourself. You may find you don't need most of it but it's reassuring to know it's out there. Family don't always step up or can't at the time anyway so it's good to know you've got other options.

I did it, OP. But I will say that it isn't just the postpartum period which is always hard, but how hard it is very much depends on the temperament of your baby and your own unique postpartum experience.
It is also the small moments in the years that follow:
The lack of being able to get on with anything at the weekend because you can't pop the kid round to nan and grandad.

Not having back up for nursery pick ups when work is demanding.

If there is a show, a movie, or a gig you both want to go to, it can be a bit more of a logistical issue for the next 12 years!!!

Support when you and your DP are unwell.

Now, of course these things aren't guaranteed even with family near-by, and you might have amazing and supportive friends who can plug those gaps, but it is worth thinking about.
I'm not saying don't do it.
If you want a child and you don't want to move your life across the country, then you have to do it.
But I didn't think about all the small ways I was going to feel our isolation in these first few years and that is with only one healthy, happy little girl to raise.
One thing I would advise is to really and truly think about your partner and how he shares the mental and domestic load with you. My DP is a good, kind man, but I didn't fully notice how much rested on my shoulders until our daughter arrived and my capacity and tolerance plummeted. And when I did notice, I should have guided us to a fairer division of labour instead of trying to be super mum for two and a half years before snapping and trying to change habits that had become entrenched.
We worked it out and we're far more balanced now, but it took a long time and I wish I'd thought about it all sooner.

Good luck OP. Wishing you happiness whichever path you take ❤️

Thank you for a lovely response. Not sure why others are saying what support do you need? Of course, I am talking about emotional support and PND. So thank you for your kind words.

Super helpful to know about breakfast clubs and after-school being oversubscribed. Definitely lots to think about

@Filmlover1 , you really need your DH's contribution to be a partnership, not you slipping into the Mum role, with Dad 'helping' .

Basically, you need to be sharing the parenting fairly equally once you are back at work.

You might have an easy baby and not everyone gets PND.

While it may be obvious to you that you meant "emotional support" it wasn't to everyone else. I was about to ask the very same question.

Would you say you're quite a fragile person who needs a lot of emotional support? If not, you'll be fine. You don't know what you're doing at first and competing advice isn't going to help. Plus you have the internet at your fingertips for practical advice!

I had 2 babies in the last 4 years without any family nearby. DP took the brunt of my tears and complaining. The random mums at baby groups were helpful for trauma dumping 🤣

I personally found my mum trying to help, get involved and give advice extremely stressful. When all I wanted to do was sit in my pants with a baby on my chest, I resented having to get dressed and hand him over for cuddles. Also all her baby knowledge was wildly outdated. E.g. she thought we should bind his legs to straighten them out (dangerous for hip development). There were other silly things but this has stayed with me!

All that to say... you'll be fine!!

But this isn't obvious at all, because emotional support can be provided from a distance. You don't need people locally to provide emotional support.

If you need practical support, you do need people locally. I was fine with only DH being local practical support and in laws being an hour away. But my SIL, MIL and parents very emotionally supportive via WhatsApp!

What a strange thing to say?

You don’t have to be “quite a fragile person” to be very seriously and dangerously unwell with PPD/PPA, psychosis.

No, but to worry about it to the extent that you're putting off starting a family because you don't live close to your own parents is a bit odd, unless you have reasons to believe you will develop PND etc.

I was scared of PND. Instead I had ante natal depression. As soon as babes were born I was fine. I had a two year old and twins with none of the support you are talking about. I was absolutely fine even though lots of people (I’m looking at you TAMBA) told me it couldn’t be done.

I didn't say I was putting off starting a family. I was saying my concerns about living somewhere with no friends or family to support (whether that be emotional support or in person). I thought Mumsnet was about supporting other people, but if you are trying to make out that I am weird for wanting some other support when my husband is at work, then I think you are the one with the issue.

I think even with all the support in the world it can still feel such a shock. A real moment of oh my own life has ended I am now a slave to a tiny human. Maternity can be boring and you can lose your identity. You have no way of knowing what kind of pregnancy or birth you will have. I couldnt walk without pain and needed physio for a good 18months after.

It's really difficult question to answer no one has a crystal ball. We have no support and one of my children has additional needs so that immediately rules out holiday clubs and wraparound unless they are 1 to 1/ or expensive sen trained nanny.

I've essentially had to give up working to cater for their needs. That's a hard one to adjust to in so many ways.

You may hear lots of oh it gets better when they go to school. Actually we found the brief years in a private nursery (not pre school even shorter days!) worked so much better around working hours. The school day is so short. Can't necessarily find wraparound and there is ages where they can't do holidays clubs or age out of them but still need care in the holidays. Lots of hurdles.

A very flexible job is hugely beneficial.
I'd echo what a previous poster said about making sure you both lay out the expectations with your partner now. Financially and freedom wise.
Have a plan on how you will keep your sanity on maternity leave. What will you do for you? How will your partner view it? Like you're on your holiday everyday or the actual relentless reality? What will the nitty gritty look like? Will they be doing the nights as well will they get up early to let you shower prep lunch for you the night before ? Are they willing to take days off so you don't have to go to a smear test with a baby/toddler in toe?

Will you be able to afford a babysitter going forward or will your relationship be able to sustain not going out much together/ on a couples holiday etc

It might be wonderful op and I hope it is. But it's worth looking at all the potential realities.

@Filmlover1 , you can't rely on support from anyone really. Not even your DH or parents. They might be great though, even if at work or 100s of miles away.

MN can be brilliant at times, but not always. @MightyGoldBear 's advice is good.

Don't make your posts an AIBU? , ask for specific help instead.

We moved to a new area just as I got pregnant, and didn't know anyone in the area and all parents lived miles away. DH worked an hour away. I just had to get on with it. You get to know other parents through baby groups whilst on maternity leave.

Having DC can make it easier building a network of friends

I did, 300 miles from parents, had two small children and was eventually a single mum. Got two adults now and we managed just fine. Used childcare and holidays at grandparents - both young adults very well rounded and happy people.

Yes, but you are only looking after one baby, so should be entirely manageable for the hours he's at work.

Your SIL is back at work so will have more to juggle. Also, is it just the one child she has? Multiple children are obviously a lot harder to juggle.

I'm not saying that being a FTM is easy, but being on maternity leave you have time to devote yourself to just your baby.

Finding ways of not being lonely is really important form your wellbeing though.

I had no close relatives living nearby when I had my children. It was fine. A friend stayed overnight with DD1 when I had DD2 .
My mother came to stay with me for a couple of weeks after I had DD1 but I coped fine without anyone with Dd2 when it's actually much more difficult because I had a toddler to keep happy as well as a baby
You'll be fine looking after a baby by yourself

No, we are saying that most people don't particularly need support when they are off work and have a baby and a husband off work.

Many more need support when their toddler is waking hourly, you get 4 hours broken a night, you've got a work deadline, a long commute are stuck in a meeting, whilst nursery is phoning to pick them up because they've started projectile vomiting. And you've got an important presentation tomorrow.

A relatively small number of women get PND. Many find newborns absolutely fine - sometimes the easiest stage, even when they don't sleep. You may need emotional support, but it's at least as likely you won't, and if you do, that's available on the phone. Practical support is more important in many ways (at least to me) but that is more of an issue later.

It's odd that you are focussing on the tiny baby part, not the childhood bit which is far longer and often far more challenging.

AIBU is not the board for considered support, it can be tough going as it gets the most attention. I made that mistake as a newbie to the site when I was in a highly emotional state and was given varying levels of advice/abuse (including that I was a leach and that I should leave my husband). You might do better to explore other boards on the site for a more helpful audience.

I thought you meant alone. You have a DH. This is pretty standard - many people have no family help other than them and the baby’s dad.