AIBU to think I can have a baby with no additional support network

[Filmlover1]

My husband and I live about 2 hours from my closest relatives and 3 hours away from both of our parents. We want to start TTC early next year, but I am worried about the lack of support for me when I am on maternity leave. I know my parents and in-laws will come and stay the odd weekend, but is that enough? I am likely to be off for closer to a year, and I worry about being alone postpartum. Am I being silly to think I can do mat leave on my own? My husband will be working from home some days, but could be staying away the odd night for work, and then after this, are we being silly to have no wrap-around care? We will have to pay for it. We could maybe move, but curious what other people recommend.

Lots of my friends did exactly this. 30 years ago, I don't think any of them expected all this support - they just paid for childcare and got on with it.

Of course you can! How do you think the millions women who don’t have family manage? I had no one by the time I started a family and to be perfectly honest I quite liked doing things my own way, without anyone criticising my choices. Unless you have disabilities or other difficulties?

I did. Didn't give it a second thought. You have a baby ..... it is your responsibility.

YABU. You've got a DH to support you for a start.

You can, of course you can. You should try and make friends with babies when you have yours though. It's much easier when you're not isolated

In my (almost 40 years old) incredibly close friendship group - none of us had 'additional support'/family nearby. That's how we all met - at baby groups, playgroup and, before long, in our own homes.
We became incredibly close. Still are - now sharing the grandparent experiences!
Go for it. Good Luck.

I think this is very normal these days. You should try to build a bit of a local network for company (antenatal classes, mums groups etc) but that will happen when your pregnant / have a baby.

We did it with now 2yo. Parents live 5 hours away. They came most months for a weekend at the start, not seen for a few months now!

Maternity was fine. I made my own village. I went to groups, made friends. DH pulled his weight. He knew looking after baby was tough. He took baby while getting ready so I could sleep, made me lunch and put in fridge so I didn’t need to make anything, did most of the cooking (baby had CMPA so was tough until we figured that out!).

He got a shock to the system when I went back to work and he had to consider childcare for illness etc as before that he knew I was on baby duty. Luckily we both work pretty flexible jobs so we could swap out and work evenings/weekends to catch up so didn't need to take as much time off as we would have otherwise. If you have really strict jobs with limited scope to take time off you'll struggle more.

Of course you can! I had our two 300 miles from family, and never dreamt of asking for help. We were lucky to meet other families (thank you NCT!) in the same boat and we made our own village. The children all grew up together and some are still friends 30 years later. We had a babysitting circle and all passed on cast offs. I used to rather despise people who needed to rely on their mother's to raise their children!

Lots of women do it without the husband as well (I am, no family, no partner, just me all the time) it's perfectly doable.

Most of my Mum friends don't have this "support network" you're told you should have rallying around you. I certainly didn't either.
It's far more important to be fully confident in the person you're choosing to raise children with, they're the only one that matters.

You’ve just described what the vast majority of women have in terms of support - you’ll be absolutely fine.

I did it with two, I had no sitters, no one to watch the kids. I mean it was tough but I didn’t know any other way

Of course you can. That’s what all the other people do who don’t have family near by. There will be the odd day where you feel poorly / sleep deprived / ill / a combination of all three, but you’ll drug up, have a double espresso and push through (signed - a mum with no family whatsoever in this county and a husband who works day and night).

I wouldn't recommend a big family but lots of people have babies without family support.

Of course you can. When I had my kids my parents still had full time jobs, you just get on with things in your own way.

Eh?
You have a dh.
You make other parent friends thru nct.
You pay for childminder nursery household help etc

Hopefully you'll get support from whoever YOU'VE been supporting up till now?

That's now a "village" works isn't it?

Completely normal, what I did. My partners parents are dead and my parents live abroad. They visited for the first week and I saw them a few weeks across the year but otherwise on my own. It was absolutely fine. In London very few of my friends have family close by.

My view is that you can manage fine without family around but that maternity leave can be isolating and depressing if you don’t make the effort to get out of the house and socialise regularly. My advice is to join several parent and baby groups, just for the social connection, even if you’re not particularly interested in the activities.

I don’t have family and exh’s family live miles away and too old to look after dc. Exh was also away 3 weeks in every 4 and was no help when he got back.

I would say that it was for the most part so much easier than having family around.

Having a baby without much support - fine. Having a toddler or child without much support and juggling their needs - much harder.

Even if you have lots of family around, you'll want to make friends with people your age with babies, so throw yourself into that anyway. Meeting up gives you something to do to stop you feeling lonely on mat leave.

When you are off on maternity leave it should be fine because you are only looking after baby. So if baby is ill, you are at home anyway. If baby is up all night - you're knackered but can chill at home, rather than downing expressos and blinking whilst trying to commute.

You'll be fine, it's what most of us do in reality. But think of the bigger picture - baby is only stage 1, and for many of us, it's not where we need support the most.

Of course you can. I had both my children whilst living abroad. No family in the country at all. You get to know people when you have a baby, you built your own network. It's absolutely fine and it's not a worry that ever even crossed my mind.

I’ve 2 children i’ve done them all on my own with next to no support network so it’s definitely doable just depends on your own needs..

I have one DD and have no help apart from DH. We both work full time and I went back to work after 4 months as maternity leave in my country is short. We manage with paid childcare and good wraparound provision. It is hard but doable.